I wrote this because I was sick the last couple of days. It seems about twice a year my diabetes goes ape sh!t for no apparent reason. The last two days just happened to be full of bananas and primate excrement.
A friend of mine wrote a story a while back that was titled "Do You Eat?" I feel her pain. Lots of things have changed about me in the last seven or eight years. Lots of things have happened. When I moved to Houston I weighed 260 pounds. When I left Houston I weighed 230 pounds, when I left Jackson to move to St. Louis I weighed between 190 and 210. When I left St. Louis to move back here I weighed 149 pounds. I was 164 pounds two days ago and today I weigh 147 pounds. So in seven years I have went from being 90 pounds over weight according to the always true BMI to being 15 pounds underweight. It scares the sh!t out of me. In the last six months I have spent over six grand, after insurance, with no one being able to tell me what is wrong. Something is.
Let me tell you a secret, when one of a man's favorite songs is "Bell Bottom Blues" by Eric Clapton, he really doesn't want to fade away. From memory or from existence.
I don't eat sweets, I don't drink things with lots of sugar in them, I take my medicine, and I eat enough to kill a horse just to keep from disappearing. I pray for one more day, every day.
So the next time someone asks me what I did to lose all the weight, tells me I look "good" and when I reply that there is something wrong I just haven't been able to figure it out yet. When that person asks is it, contagious, can I have a little of it, or pass it on. I ask that you pray that I have the strength and the tact to not tell them exactly what is on my mind about it all. I usually reply. "Remember that wish when they stick me in the ground", but that isn't quite macabre enough apparently. I tell people it is a voodoo curse, and you know I spent a lot of time in Louisiana. My brother tells people it is a tape worm. I just don't want to fade away.
I must admit I like being skinny, I haven't been in years and years. I remember the exact day I last took my shirt off in public. I was 16 and I was at Ben Jenkins house playing basketball with him and Lance Rice. Ben is married now to a gorgeous girl he went to high school with and got re-connected with on Myspace of all places. He looks very happy. Ben is a great guy, we gave him a lot of hell back in the day, but he always came back for more. Lance was married to a wonderful woman who we all met at Chili's, was. He has two kids a boy that looks exactly like him, and a girl that looks just like her. We shared letters a while back when I was home for vacation. I looked at him as he was trying his best to hold some tears back, and I held mine back to help him with his. I put my hand on his shoulder and I told him, "I ain't trying to be an a$$hole, but I am glad I got this (my letter) now instead of that (his letter) five or six years and a couple of kids down the road. Lance doesn't want to fade away either.
Back to being shirtless. I wander around outside with my shirt off trying desperately to get a little sun on my chest. I should just fork up the money and go to the tanning bed. I mean seriously how funny will I look with everything tamed but my scrawny white ass? People drive up, go into the neighbors, or turn around to go back down the drive to the little beauty shop, and I don't even flinch. I have muscle in places I never thought I would see again. It makes me feel like I am far healthier than I am. I went to a little piece of hell on earth called Wal-Mart to grab some spicy hot V-8 juice, yeah I like it too Lorie, except I add a tablespoon of Crystals to each glass. I am almost out of my Crystal's hot sauce. Surely someone has a bottle or two just sitting around somewhere? It, the V-8, contains enough of the essentials to get me back to an almost even keel, and contains far less kryptonite (sugar) than Gatorade does. Let me tell you something, having to lean against a grocery cart to keep from falling over ain't one damn bit of fun. They at least had soup on sale, small miracles right? I saw an older lady trying to pick up a case of Ensure, and I told her I would help her if she would help me. I didn't have the strength in me to lift it myself, but we handled it just fine together. Now if only life were as simple as a case of vitamin fortified Ensure.
To answer the question, yes I eat, like a horse. Where does it all go? You tell me.
It took me two months to get up to 164 pounds from 149, it took me less than two days to find myself back at 144. Yeah I lost three more pounds today. It has to stop right? Oh well, it won't kill me, that would be far too easy. I have dreams about some toothy beast wandering around the woods of the Pacific North West. In those dreams that beast isn't evil, it is just hungry and in my dreams I see what it dreams about, me. It sees me as too skinny, but it licks its lips in anticipation of a man who is more then just bone and tendon. I dream about tearing that beast limb from limb, and cooking it slowly over an open fire. One of us is going to leave that little shaded hill with a full belly. What ever the outcome it will not be easy; I am certain of that.
The beast dreamed of a man, not old but not young either, making his way slowly down the stairs. Cautious. He is too skinny to wet the appetite of the beast, but it licks the toothy maw that belongs to him regardless. He can smell the years of seasoning that this man had marinated in. There was no evil in this corporal manifestation of thoughts. It wasn't that aware of things. There was only the hunger it had to abide by. The hunger and the waiting; it lay slumbering patiently waiting for the time to be right. It dreamed of a man finally full, marinated to tender perfection. Not so skinny. The beast watched in his dreams as the skinny man stumbled his away around and the beast watched in satisfied glee as he picked out things to eat that would fill him up again. Time was no enemy to the beast. The beast dreamed about not being hungry anymore.
The man, not old and not young, dreamed about a beast slumbering in the great wilderness of the Pacific coast. He dreamed of that beast sleeping as it waited on him to finally be full again. He thought about the day when they would meet, and both would awake from their dreams to growl and grin at each other like old friends turned into enemies. The man figured he could win the fight, but then the beast felt it could as well. The man knew there was no man that he could not best given enough time, but this was not just a "man". This was things better left in the back closest made real. This beast was the kind of thing that gnawed the skeletons in that closest like they were gravy flavored rawhide bones. The man dreamed about a vanquished beast and an open fire. He dreamed about not being hungry any more.
KB
"I set myself on fire and people came to watch me burn."
~John Wesley
"Well I looked my demons in the eyes,
Laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
You see, I've been to Hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me."
Ray Lamontagne - Empty
Do you eat?
Do you eat?
Life ain't linear.
Do you eat?
FuzzyNavel;668841 wrote: Sorry to hear about your health KB. you will be in my prayers.ok? 
I'll take all the prayers I can get. It would be a shame for that toothy beast to not get it's chance, even if it will be the one to become supper. Thank you.
I'll take all the prayers I can get. It would be a shame for that toothy beast to not get it's chance, even if it will be the one to become supper. Thank you.
Life ain't linear.
Do you eat?
I cant post in this thread. I am very upset. I had no idea you had health problems. And I cant stand it that good and gifted people get chosen to suffer.
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Do you eat?
weeder;668900 wrote: I cant post in this thread. I am very upset. I had no idea you had health problems. And I cant stand it that good and gifted people get chosen to suffer.
It ain't that bad; just every so often it rears it's ugly head to remind me it is there. I'm fine now, just tired is all.
It ain't that bad; just every so often it rears it's ugly head to remind me it is there. I'm fine now, just tired is all.
Life ain't linear.
Do you eat?
Kisses... kisses... kisses..... and hugs and a rub on your feet. You dont have nise hairs sticking out, do you?:wah: Kisses.. kisses.. kisses.. and rubs on your feet:-4
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[love]light
- Posts: 338
- Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2007 6:04 pm
Do you eat?
diabetes can be so underestimated. i'm sorry you are not feeling well these past few days. hopefully, you & beffie's trip to memphis will happen soon. the three of us have a lunch date, sir.
take care of you.
take care of you.
The most important things in life are:
laughter, love, and a healthy appreciation for the dark side!
laughter, love, and a healthy appreciation for the dark side!
Do you eat?
weeder;668905 wrote: Kisses... kisses... kisses..... and hugs and a rub on your feet. You dont have nise hairs sticking out, do you?:wah: Kisses.. kisses.. kisses.. and rubs on your feet:-4
Sometimes I do, I hate those clippers as much as Jimbo does. I use them though on "special" occasions.
Sometimes I do, I hate those clippers as much as Jimbo does. I use them though on "special" occasions.
Life ain't linear.
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nvalleyvee
- Posts: 5191
- Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:57 am
Do you eat?
I didn't read the entire thing..............I eat every 3 to 4 hours. I need to eat.
The growth of knowledge depends entirely on disagreement..........Karl R. Popper
Do you eat?
nvalleyvee;668944 wrote: I didn't read the entire thing..............I eat every 3 to 4 hours. I need to eat.
Read the whole thing. It ain't even about eating.
Read the whole thing. It ain't even about eating.
Life ain't linear.
Do you eat?
almostfamous;668957 wrote: This one was a rough read. Hearing you say you don't want to fade away, it kills me. I want to help you so bad but have no idea how in the world I could be helpful. I really wish you had told me you needed something from the store though when I asked, I would've gone. I know you like to hermitize, I do too, but right now you need your friends around you. Let us be there.
It's cool, seriously. I've been dealing with it for 21 almost 22 years now. I gained 5 pounds back today. I appreciate the fact you offered, more than I can explain in words. I am supposed to be in bed, think I will head there now. These ape sh!t moments don't happen much, but when they do they are rough. I'm still kicking and can not wait to go raise some hell in Soulard.
It's cool, seriously. I've been dealing with it for 21 almost 22 years now. I gained 5 pounds back today. I appreciate the fact you offered, more than I can explain in words. I am supposed to be in bed, think I will head there now. These ape sh!t moments don't happen much, but when they do they are rough. I'm still kicking and can not wait to go raise some hell in Soulard.
Life ain't linear.
Do you eat?
almostfamous;668966 wrote: Still.
I don't care how often it happens. I know you've been/are dealing with it the best you can but there has to be an answer to it, has to be.
I'm allergic to women. Damn shame too cause I ain't got it in me to give them up.
I don't care how often it happens. I know you've been/are dealing with it the best you can but there has to be an answer to it, has to be.
I'm allergic to women. Damn shame too cause I ain't got it in me to give them up.
Life ain't linear.
Do you eat?
almostfamous;669258 wrote: Maybe not allergic but it is possible that one can allow that aspect of their life too much control. I'm only talking from my own past fubars. It CAN and will bring you down in your health when your mind is not at peace.
I'm not trying to preach at all but maybe the women are your poison. Why would you continue that path knowing the probably outcome? I don't understand that part much at all.
I imagine if I could explain that I would never write or worry again. She ain't the one causing me to be sick, I got to work and half the store was out with something like I had. Just a simple bug, that will always hit me harder because I am diabetic.
I'm not trying to preach at all but maybe the women are your poison. Why would you continue that path knowing the probably outcome? I don't understand that part much at all.
I imagine if I could explain that I would never write or worry again. She ain't the one causing me to be sick, I got to work and half the store was out with something like I had. Just a simple bug, that will always hit me harder because I am diabetic.
Life ain't linear.