Greetings all!
I am new to this forum but not so new to forums in general... I just wanted to get some input on my current "situation" and this looked like a pretty good place!
I will cut to the chase and explain...
I am currently dating a married woman. Before I get slammed here... I do want to emphasize that we are seeing each other with her husbands blessing! It seems as though he is just not passionate enough for her and doesn't really even care for sex in general. They have been married for several years and about a year ago they were on the verge of divorce over the fact that he never wanted to have sex with her. Not wanting the marriage to end, they agreed to allow her a lover on the side. I met her ( chance meeting ) about two months ago and she was completely up front about what she was wanting out of our "relationship". I am a single father of two with a full time job and no time to really date so the idea of having a "no strings" sexual relationship ( with a beautiful woman, I must add ) sounded very appealing! I met her husband ( one of his stipulations ) and he is a super nice guy! Apparently I made a good impression as well because he made the comment to her after dinner that night that I was "perfect" for her. Now before you ask... he has absolutly no interest in making it a threesome... that's not at all what this is about. It is one of her fantasies but not one his!
Before we ever had sex we laid down some ground rules ( crazy sh!t, huh? ) with one being that she would never leave her husband for me and that I would never pressure her to leave her husband. I think that so far we have done pretty good about keeping it all together ( feelings can be very hard to control as most of you, I'm sure, already know ) but this past weekend she told me that she loved me... and what is even more disturbing is that I told her that I loved her too! The thing that kinda bothers me about swapping the "I love yous" was that it didn't happen in the throws of passion... we were riding in my car just talking and cutting up as I was taking her home!
My delimma is... have I let this go too far? Should I have even gotten involved in the first place? Just how deep of a hole am I digging myself here?
Is there anyone else here that has gone through something like this before that can offer a little advice?
I have developed feelings for her and I'm sure that she has for me as well. I really enjoy being with her ( not to mention that the sex is vavooom! ) and we are starting to spend a bit more time together outside of the bedroom and I guess that I am just trying to find out if it's time to back off just a tad.
Thanks for hearing me out guys... this isn't something that I can really talk to friends and family about so I figured this was a good place...
RIP
New guy in an odd situation (long)
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Bill Sikes
- Posts: 5515
- Joined: Fri Aug 20, 2004 2:21 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Cripes! That's bollixed up the works. You're knackered either way. If you drop
her then your feelings will try to get in the way... if you take her on, then you
know you've got someone who may change their mind again when someone
else comes along. I'm glad that I am not you. Daft thing to do in the first place.
her then your feelings will try to get in the way... if you take her on, then you
know you've got someone who may change their mind again when someone
else comes along. I'm glad that I am not you. Daft thing to do in the first place.
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greydeadhead
- Posts: 1045
- Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2004 8:52 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Whoa.. talk about being caught between a rock and a hard spot.. literally. Unless you want to make some kind of emotional commitment here I would back off and let this fade into the sunset.. And lets not even get into the rest of it.. husband.. etc....
Feed your spirit by living near it -- Magic Hat Brewery bottle cap
New guy in an odd situation (long)
If you have time for this, then you have time to find a date a single woman. Play with fire and you're going to get burnt.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Thanks for the quick replies!
Once again the general sentiment ( I have discussed this with two very close friends that have never met her ) is that I should just walk away from this... this again is part of the problem... I really dont want to walk away!
At 38 I really should know better ( we are the same age ) than to be doing this. The thing is it's really kind of nice to have someone on a "part time" basis and not have all the pressures of "dating" someone single. I have been divorced for four years now and have dated several single women since then. This is a very different situation! We see each other once sometime twice a week and our primary reason for getting together is sex. She is not my wife and does not even come close to acting like it.
I guess that my biggest concern here is that she will get too attached and do something she may regret. Like leave her husband! I really don't want to be the catalyst for their splitting up.
Thanks again guys and gals! I look forward to some more unbiased feedback... keep it coming please!
P.S.
Peg,
It disturbed me to read that Ms Bobbit was a hero of yours... my ex-wife ran around on me for years while we were married so I guess that it would have been OK for me to super glue her (expletive) shut so she couldn't do it anymore... maybe I could've been somone's hero too! :rolleyes:
Once again the general sentiment ( I have discussed this with two very close friends that have never met her ) is that I should just walk away from this... this again is part of the problem... I really dont want to walk away!
At 38 I really should know better ( we are the same age ) than to be doing this. The thing is it's really kind of nice to have someone on a "part time" basis and not have all the pressures of "dating" someone single. I have been divorced for four years now and have dated several single women since then. This is a very different situation! We see each other once sometime twice a week and our primary reason for getting together is sex. She is not my wife and does not even come close to acting like it.
I guess that my biggest concern here is that she will get too attached and do something she may regret. Like leave her husband! I really don't want to be the catalyst for their splitting up.
Thanks again guys and gals! I look forward to some more unbiased feedback... keep it coming please!
P.S.
Peg,
It disturbed me to read that Ms Bobbit was a hero of yours... my ex-wife ran around on me for years while we were married so I guess that it would have been OK for me to super glue her (expletive) shut so she couldn't do it anymore... maybe I could've been somone's hero too! :rolleyes:
New guy in an odd situation (long)
LOL--Let me explain. She did something that I think almost every woman in the world has wanted to do at one time or another. The difference is, she had the guts to do it.
That said, make sure you are thinking with the right body part. This situation could go either way. Could be a great thing, or 3 people could end up very hurt. Good luck to you and let us know what you decide.
That said, make sure you are thinking with the right body part. This situation could go either way. Could be a great thing, or 3 people could end up very hurt. Good luck to you and let us know what you decide.
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A Karenina
- Posts: 968
- Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 8:36 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Hi Rip, nice to meet you.
rippy38 wrote: Thanks for hearing me out guys... this isn't something that I can really talk to friends and family about so I figured this was a good place...RIP
If you can't talk to people you are close to about it, then that's probably a good indication you shouldn't be doing this.
I guess I'd add that it really doesn't matter what people say, it's what they do that counts. She may say she won't leave her husband, you may say you don't want the emotional entanglement, but what are both of you doing? Falling in love? And then what happens?
Rough roads are worthwhile when the final view is spectacular. Only you can decide if this road is worth it.
I sincerely hope things work well for you, whatever you decide.
rippy38 wrote: Thanks for hearing me out guys... this isn't something that I can really talk to friends and family about so I figured this was a good place...RIP
If you can't talk to people you are close to about it, then that's probably a good indication you shouldn't be doing this.
I guess I'd add that it really doesn't matter what people say, it's what they do that counts. She may say she won't leave her husband, you may say you don't want the emotional entanglement, but what are both of you doing? Falling in love? And then what happens?
Rough roads are worthwhile when the final view is spectacular. Only you can decide if this road is worth it.
I sincerely hope things work well for you, whatever you decide.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle
Aristotle
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Hi
I'm kind of new to this forum myself and was intrigued by your situation.
As an older married man (3X) who has survived a number of
"situations" over the years that have taught me a few lessons, I thought I would take a shot at a reply.
I would suggest that you seriously consider how important your marriage is
to you today. Maintaining a "normal " relationship at home must require some effort. Do you think your wife has any idea that somthing has changed? Women have can have an uncanny ability to sense these things. You made a big jump when the new relationship moved up to the "I love you,s". I dont believe you can now go back to a point when that will not be important to you both. Its pretty clear that a major decision on where it goes from here is lurking around the next corner. I could add more but for now I suggest if you can , step back and consider the way this effects all four of you. Good luck.
Hoppy
I'm kind of new to this forum myself and was intrigued by your situation.
As an older married man (3X) who has survived a number of
"situations" over the years that have taught me a few lessons, I thought I would take a shot at a reply.
I would suggest that you seriously consider how important your marriage is
to you today. Maintaining a "normal " relationship at home must require some effort. Do you think your wife has any idea that somthing has changed? Women have can have an uncanny ability to sense these things. You made a big jump when the new relationship moved up to the "I love you,s". I dont believe you can now go back to a point when that will not be important to you both. Its pretty clear that a major decision on where it goes from here is lurking around the next corner. I could add more but for now I suggest if you can , step back and consider the way this effects all four of you. Good luck.
Hoppy
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Thanks again for the replies...
Just a few thing to add to the conversation...
Peg,
I am glad you found humor in my P.S.. I tend to have a rather dry sense of humor sometimes and that really was supposed to be funny... in a cynical kinda way!
Karenina,
Thanks... and it's nice to meet you as well. The easiest path is almost always the most boring as well...
Blahh,
I understand where you are coming from completely... I have read your saga and at times felt like it was my story from four years ago... almost to the "T". I truely feel for you and I do know where you are right now. Hang in there, it will be better on the other side! PM me if you like... I'm serious our situations are so alike it's scary!
I already got my revenge on the guy my wife was screwing four years ago by screwing his wife at the time. He was very upset when he found out but hey, what could he do... he was doing the same thing to someone else wife! Revenge can be so sweet...
And just where do you get off calling my ex a little slut! She is a BIG slut and I don't ever want to hear her refered to as a "little" slut again...
We have a difference of opinion on the definition of cheating... to me, cheating is done behind someones back and involves lying and deception. Her husband is fully aware every time that we are together and knows what we are doing. Technically you could say that she is cheating but I just don't really see it that way.
I don't really see myself facing legal action here... disappointment and heartache, yes, but not legal action.
Hoppy,
I am not married, she is... nor was I seeing anybody when I met her.
Thanks again... this place is pretty cool, I think I'll hang around awhile if yall don't mind!
RIP
Just a few thing to add to the conversation...
Peg,
I am glad you found humor in my P.S.. I tend to have a rather dry sense of humor sometimes and that really was supposed to be funny... in a cynical kinda way!
Karenina,
Thanks... and it's nice to meet you as well. The easiest path is almost always the most boring as well...
Blahh,
I understand where you are coming from completely... I have read your saga and at times felt like it was my story from four years ago... almost to the "T". I truely feel for you and I do know where you are right now. Hang in there, it will be better on the other side! PM me if you like... I'm serious our situations are so alike it's scary!
I already got my revenge on the guy my wife was screwing four years ago by screwing his wife at the time. He was very upset when he found out but hey, what could he do... he was doing the same thing to someone else wife! Revenge can be so sweet...
And just where do you get off calling my ex a little slut! She is a BIG slut and I don't ever want to hear her refered to as a "little" slut again...
We have a difference of opinion on the definition of cheating... to me, cheating is done behind someones back and involves lying and deception. Her husband is fully aware every time that we are together and knows what we are doing. Technically you could say that she is cheating but I just don't really see it that way.
I don't really see myself facing legal action here... disappointment and heartache, yes, but not legal action.
Hoppy,
I am not married, she is... nor was I seeing anybody when I met her.
Thanks again... this place is pretty cool, I think I'll hang around awhile if yall don't mind!
RIP
New guy in an odd situation (long)
I hope you do hang around awhile. 
I think you know what you should do in this situation. The question is, can you?
I think you know what you should do in this situation. The question is, can you?New guy in an odd situation (long)
Girty1600 wrote: I am new here as well but, my take on this is: do whatever feels right. Just be careful not to hurt anyone.
Hi girty. Welcom to the garden.
Hi girty. Welcom to the garden.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
I am in a similar but less open situation.
I am dating a married man who's wife doesn't know. It's not something you decide to do. This is an emotion field not a logic one. Logically, one would realize that falling in love with a married person is fruitless since they are unavailable to some extent. Emotionally, when you are drawn to someone your heart rules the day.
Before sleeping with my cheater, I had to decide how I felt about the situation. He is the one who made the commitment and is betraying it, not me. Regardless, the moral question before me is: If he is cheating on her, why would he not cheat on me? There can never be complete trust when someone is not being honest. In your case, there is honesty but confusion. What is love? I am still too young to even attempt an understanding of that. This is a closer situation to my older brother and his 'wife' who asked him to get a girlfriend so they could stay together for the kids and she wouldn't have to sleep with him anymore. His EX 'wife' now, has proven herself to be a cruel and heartless woman in many ways, which is why they are exs now. These situations are always difficult. I wonder what the children grow up thinking love is when two people who are not physically close and supportive stay together. Will they find passionate, supportive partners when they start looking for a mate?
I think sex is important in a relationship. If you aren't comfortable bearing yourself and becoming vulnerable with your mate then the love is merely that of a close friend with whom you can never fully unite. Why do they think it is better to stay together? My ex-husband and I are better friends now than we ever could have been when we were married. As spouses we were losing each other, when we split we found each other again.
My philosophy is that every person who enters your life is your teacher and you are theirs. So ask what you are learning from this woman and, regardless of how it turns out, try to be the wisest teachers to each other. I am very interested in how this may evolve or dissolve. I wish my cheater would at least be honest with his wife even if they aren't sleeping together anymore, she probably knows anyway and at the very least, deserves that respect.
The morals are irrelevant, in a way. It is something that happens TO you. Emotions can not be reasoned with.
Good luck.
I am dating a married man who's wife doesn't know. It's not something you decide to do. This is an emotion field not a logic one. Logically, one would realize that falling in love with a married person is fruitless since they are unavailable to some extent. Emotionally, when you are drawn to someone your heart rules the day.
Before sleeping with my cheater, I had to decide how I felt about the situation. He is the one who made the commitment and is betraying it, not me. Regardless, the moral question before me is: If he is cheating on her, why would he not cheat on me? There can never be complete trust when someone is not being honest. In your case, there is honesty but confusion. What is love? I am still too young to even attempt an understanding of that. This is a closer situation to my older brother and his 'wife' who asked him to get a girlfriend so they could stay together for the kids and she wouldn't have to sleep with him anymore. His EX 'wife' now, has proven herself to be a cruel and heartless woman in many ways, which is why they are exs now. These situations are always difficult. I wonder what the children grow up thinking love is when two people who are not physically close and supportive stay together. Will they find passionate, supportive partners when they start looking for a mate?
I think sex is important in a relationship. If you aren't comfortable bearing yourself and becoming vulnerable with your mate then the love is merely that of a close friend with whom you can never fully unite. Why do they think it is better to stay together? My ex-husband and I are better friends now than we ever could have been when we were married. As spouses we were losing each other, when we split we found each other again.
My philosophy is that every person who enters your life is your teacher and you are theirs. So ask what you are learning from this woman and, regardless of how it turns out, try to be the wisest teachers to each other. I am very interested in how this may evolve or dissolve. I wish my cheater would at least be honest with his wife even if they aren't sleeping together anymore, she probably knows anyway and at the very least, deserves that respect.
The morals are irrelevant, in a way. It is something that happens TO you. Emotions can not be reasoned with.
Good luck.
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Bill Sikes
- Posts: 5515
- Joined: Fri Aug 20, 2004 2:21 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
koan wrote: I am dating a married man who's wife doesn't know.
Before sleeping with my cheater, I had to decide how I felt about the situation. He is the one who made the commitment and is betraying it, not me.
I am outraged. This is repulsive behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Before sleeping with my cheater, I had to decide how I felt about the situation. He is the one who made the commitment and is betraying it, not me.
I am outraged. This is repulsive behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Bill Sikes wrote: I am outraged. This is repulsive behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Perhaps I should be ashamed but I've spent too much time living in shame and trying to heal from it. Your outrage means only that you are solid in how you feel about this situation but it offers no arguement against it. Repulsive behaviour is subjective. I think it was repulsive when my older brother raped me as an adolescent. I think consensual sex is rarely repulsive. Judgement is best left for a person to judge themselves.
To aggrevate you more...my therapist was not surprised, repulsed or negative at all about the situation. He feels that society is structured to destroy relationships and he is only surprised that people stay together at all anymore. Maybe he is not a good therapist but he has proven quite wise in many ways. Why should I be ashamed when my actions are to embrace a fellow human who needs understanding and companionship. I don't think he needs me to love him, I think he needs to learn to love himself more so that he can understand his relationships better. When people stay together 'for the children' they can end up doing more harm than good. His family starts to feel like his sacrifice instead of his source of joy and then the desire to escape or punish them emotionally ensues. If he wasn't with me he would be continuing to create misery around his home. My hope is that he stops living in the shadows and starts living in truth and love. Maybe he really does love his wife and he has just forgotten. Until he rediscovers himself and what he really wants he will continue to look for love and happiness in all the wrong places.
Until you know the events that have led a person to where they are, it is harsh to make judgements or demand shame. I thought we were looking for unbiased opinions.
Perhaps I should be ashamed but I've spent too much time living in shame and trying to heal from it. Your outrage means only that you are solid in how you feel about this situation but it offers no arguement against it. Repulsive behaviour is subjective. I think it was repulsive when my older brother raped me as an adolescent. I think consensual sex is rarely repulsive. Judgement is best left for a person to judge themselves.
To aggrevate you more...my therapist was not surprised, repulsed or negative at all about the situation. He feels that society is structured to destroy relationships and he is only surprised that people stay together at all anymore. Maybe he is not a good therapist but he has proven quite wise in many ways. Why should I be ashamed when my actions are to embrace a fellow human who needs understanding and companionship. I don't think he needs me to love him, I think he needs to learn to love himself more so that he can understand his relationships better. When people stay together 'for the children' they can end up doing more harm than good. His family starts to feel like his sacrifice instead of his source of joy and then the desire to escape or punish them emotionally ensues. If he wasn't with me he would be continuing to create misery around his home. My hope is that he stops living in the shadows and starts living in truth and love. Maybe he really does love his wife and he has just forgotten. Until he rediscovers himself and what he really wants he will continue to look for love and happiness in all the wrong places.
Until you know the events that have led a person to where they are, it is harsh to make judgements or demand shame. I thought we were looking for unbiased opinions.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
His family starts to feel like his sacrifice? Then it's time for him to get the hell out! If he weren't with you, he'd be with someone else. Having never been in your situation, I can only guess how it must be. You more than likely are available pretty much any time and have to work around his being able to make time for you. I just cannot understand why a person would want half a relationship. As long as he is still with his wife, he can never put 100% into a relationship.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Peg wrote: His family starts to feel like his sacrifice? Then it's time for him to get the hell out!
I beleive he is planning to, but I consider that his business.
If he weren't with you, he'd be with someone else.
I would be naive to think he hasn't been, I only know I'm the only one right now.
Having never been in your situation, I can only guess how it must be. You more than likely are available pretty much any time and have to work around his being able to make time for you. I just cannot understand why a person would want half a relationship. As long as he is still with his wife, he can never put 100% into a relationship.
I have been used so many times by boy-men that need a mommy to take care of them that it is somewhat of a relief not to have to be his caregiver. That is where I feel sorry for his wife, that she keeps his home and does all that work and may not know that he has already left her. Since I sincerely believe they don't have sex anymore and haven't for many years, I would think that it would not be much of a surprise. I would not be ok with it if I thought he was still sleeping with her too. We work together from time to time so I see him a fair bit and he phones me very consistently. I am surprised at the level of commitment I have seen so far. I really think that he just feels like he wants to make for 'lost opportunities'. He got married in his teens due to her pregnancy. He is no less available than a lot of single guys who lead busy lives. I don't really expect it to last as lovers but I hope that we will develop a very good friendship as usually happens with my exs.
Thank you for your concern.
I really don't think all cheaters are horrible people. Just confused...like most the rest of us.
I beleive he is planning to, but I consider that his business.
If he weren't with you, he'd be with someone else.
I would be naive to think he hasn't been, I only know I'm the only one right now.
Having never been in your situation, I can only guess how it must be. You more than likely are available pretty much any time and have to work around his being able to make time for you. I just cannot understand why a person would want half a relationship. As long as he is still with his wife, he can never put 100% into a relationship.
I have been used so many times by boy-men that need a mommy to take care of them that it is somewhat of a relief not to have to be his caregiver. That is where I feel sorry for his wife, that she keeps his home and does all that work and may not know that he has already left her. Since I sincerely believe they don't have sex anymore and haven't for many years, I would think that it would not be much of a surprise. I would not be ok with it if I thought he was still sleeping with her too. We work together from time to time so I see him a fair bit and he phones me very consistently. I am surprised at the level of commitment I have seen so far. I really think that he just feels like he wants to make for 'lost opportunities'. He got married in his teens due to her pregnancy. He is no less available than a lot of single guys who lead busy lives. I don't really expect it to last as lovers but I hope that we will develop a very good friendship as usually happens with my exs.
Thank you for your concern.
I really don't think all cheaters are horrible people. Just confused...like most the rest of us.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
I have to give the husband of the lady rippy is seeing credit. At least he is hearing that she is unhappy, at least he is trying to do what it takes to keep her, whether or not it is the right or best way. I think a lot of times, a person knows their spouse is unhappy, but thinks it'll pass or something and then they are in shock when he/she cheats or leaves.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Paramour2_99 wrote: OK,,,,now you realize that your are trouncing on a relationship that God has brought together. Marriage is a sacred entity, blessed by God, and one that "no man" should tear apart.
Didn't God give him the option to do it. Isn't God allowing it to happen? Why don't you lobby the government to reintroduce stoning for adulterers? Maybe that would stop the number of cheaters there are in the world. Incidentally, it's the woman who is tearing it apart :wah:
There is absolutely no advice anyone should give you to encourage an adulterous affair. Picture this, you find out that your daughters husband is seeing another woman - now take those feelings you would have about that and imagine God having those same feelings about "YOU" as the cheating man in her marriage!
You forget that the spouse knows and encourages this. Otherwise, I would hope the marriage ends...which it should have long ago...and which would be my advice to my daughter, probably loooong before the cheating happens because you can see the tendancy towards that behaviour long before it happens.
You and this woman are selfish and the 3 of you are morally abandoned. You'll have no luck in life and niether will the married couple envolved.
You cannot abandon morals, you can only define them. Some people choose different sets of morals and I don't think you've learned enough about them to make a judgement of their level of karmic luck. It actually sounds like you are cursing them
If you really cared about them, you would wish them luck in finding a happy solution to their problem.
My advice is to pray for forgiveness and cease your activities and feelings for this woman.
Have you ever tried to "cease a feeling". Feelings don't take too well to suppression! They should forgive themselves if they need to but I beleive in a God that has compassion and doesn't require praying to forgive us errant people. You are one of those errant people too.
Nature has a way of paying you back for all offenses no matter how many wonderful lustful days you've enjoyed,,,,believe me,,,,believe you me!
You sound like you have experience in offending nature. Is this the source of your rage?
Didn't God give him the option to do it. Isn't God allowing it to happen? Why don't you lobby the government to reintroduce stoning for adulterers? Maybe that would stop the number of cheaters there are in the world. Incidentally, it's the woman who is tearing it apart :wah:
There is absolutely no advice anyone should give you to encourage an adulterous affair. Picture this, you find out that your daughters husband is seeing another woman - now take those feelings you would have about that and imagine God having those same feelings about "YOU" as the cheating man in her marriage!
You forget that the spouse knows and encourages this. Otherwise, I would hope the marriage ends...which it should have long ago...and which would be my advice to my daughter, probably loooong before the cheating happens because you can see the tendancy towards that behaviour long before it happens.
You and this woman are selfish and the 3 of you are morally abandoned. You'll have no luck in life and niether will the married couple envolved.
You cannot abandon morals, you can only define them. Some people choose different sets of morals and I don't think you've learned enough about them to make a judgement of their level of karmic luck. It actually sounds like you are cursing them
If you really cared about them, you would wish them luck in finding a happy solution to their problem.My advice is to pray for forgiveness and cease your activities and feelings for this woman.
Have you ever tried to "cease a feeling". Feelings don't take too well to suppression! They should forgive themselves if they need to but I beleive in a God that has compassion and doesn't require praying to forgive us errant people. You are one of those errant people too.
Nature has a way of paying you back for all offenses no matter how many wonderful lustful days you've enjoyed,,,,believe me,,,,believe you me!
You sound like you have experience in offending nature. Is this the source of your rage?
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greydeadhead
- Posts: 1045
- Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2004 8:52 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
wow.. way to morally superior for me to comment on. Lots of scary fundamentalist vibes.
Feed your spirit by living near it -- Magic Hat Brewery bottle cap
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Paramour2_99 wrote: Yes, I do have experience in "offending God's nature" as we all do. Some more than others.
No, I'm not cursing them. I'm warning then to stop.
It is hopeful that people be allowed to make their own mistakes. How would you have grown as a person had you not been allowed to err? The request was not, specifically, for religious advice...there is another forum for that. He did not ask if anyone thought God would be happy about his choices. He, I believe, was looking for advice from non-judgemental people who may have knowledge of this particular type of situation.
If you have experience falling in love with a married person, now would be the time to share it and that would be your best contribution to this thread.
No amount of language, no matter how strategically calculated should attempt to justify their behavior.
Justifying requires a need to justify. That is not what I am attempting to do. That is one of my points. I'm not a very strategic person...I kinda think s*** just happens, like falling in love with a married person. I don't think he was looking for justification, I think he was looking for understanding as to how this could happen and why. (I may be wrong)
God allows man to do anything he want's, it's called free will.
Yeah, God!
Either way, "She's" not the only one tearing apart her marital union. And although the "husband" permits this - he's still ultimately responsible for his part in this travesty.
You are the one who thinks it is a travesty. Maybe a person who thought they had lost the ability to love found love again. That would not be a travesty at all.
If the adulterer and the adulteress have no control of their emotions and of their organs then she should divorce and he should seek a relationship with a single woman. And the husband should review why all this has come to be and everyone should correct their behavior for the benefit of their future relationships.
I agree. I think they should divorce too. But they have not. Perhaps because, instead of religious pressure, they have societal pressure telling them to stay together 'for the kids' or they have family pressure which does not allow them to be honest about their relationship...maybe it's as simple as they can't afford to get divorced. No one has asked that question.
Why haven't they gotten divorced?
I'll pray for them, as I would want them to pray for me should I be in a similar circumstance.
It's always a good thing to pray. I'm sure it's helpful.
Please try not to word your prayer in a way that assumes you know what God should do !
No, I'm not cursing them. I'm warning then to stop.
It is hopeful that people be allowed to make their own mistakes. How would you have grown as a person had you not been allowed to err? The request was not, specifically, for religious advice...there is another forum for that. He did not ask if anyone thought God would be happy about his choices. He, I believe, was looking for advice from non-judgemental people who may have knowledge of this particular type of situation.
If you have experience falling in love with a married person, now would be the time to share it and that would be your best contribution to this thread.
No amount of language, no matter how strategically calculated should attempt to justify their behavior.
Justifying requires a need to justify. That is not what I am attempting to do. That is one of my points. I'm not a very strategic person...I kinda think s*** just happens, like falling in love with a married person. I don't think he was looking for justification, I think he was looking for understanding as to how this could happen and why. (I may be wrong)
God allows man to do anything he want's, it's called free will.
Yeah, God!
Either way, "She's" not the only one tearing apart her marital union. And although the "husband" permits this - he's still ultimately responsible for his part in this travesty.
You are the one who thinks it is a travesty. Maybe a person who thought they had lost the ability to love found love again. That would not be a travesty at all.
If the adulterer and the adulteress have no control of their emotions and of their organs then she should divorce and he should seek a relationship with a single woman. And the husband should review why all this has come to be and everyone should correct their behavior for the benefit of their future relationships.
I agree. I think they should divorce too. But they have not. Perhaps because, instead of religious pressure, they have societal pressure telling them to stay together 'for the kids' or they have family pressure which does not allow them to be honest about their relationship...maybe it's as simple as they can't afford to get divorced. No one has asked that question.
Why haven't they gotten divorced?
I'll pray for them, as I would want them to pray for me should I be in a similar circumstance.
It's always a good thing to pray. I'm sure it's helpful.
Please try not to word your prayer in a way that assumes you know what God should do !
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Paramour2_99 wrote: Lollollol!-!! I've been in situations that would easily pale to what this guy is going through. He's got an easy out since, she's not pregnant, her husband isn't comming after this guy, no one has (apparently) transmitted any deseases. All that's happened is that they've fallen in lust, which they're confusing for love.
And although we grow in our mistakes - we also grow in listening to the advice of those who've been there, and done that, suffered the consequences, bought the t-shirt, etc.
AT any rate,,,my prayers are there for anyone who seeks advice and direction in that they will find their direction not from man who's full of fault but from God, who gave us life, and this is his world. And our directions on how to behave on this rock is in Scripture. This is God's world so everything in it is under his eye. Regious or not, we'll all answer for our activities.
This isn't about a battle of words between you & I (Koan) but these people are lost.
So tell me Koan,,,,,what do you suggest these three do,,,,,
Thank you for asking.
Often when people ask for advice they leave out key information. That is why I find it easier to answer with a story of similar circumstances or a hypothetical situation.
My perception of marriage is less religious & more of a contract between two people (of any gender) to care for each other and respect each other. If they cannot be satisfied by their spouse then they should spend time alone to find out why they are unhappy. Too many people blame their unhappiness on others and, until they realize that the source of their happiness comes from within, they can not be made happy through any relationship.
A common mistake is to jump from one bad relationship too quickly into the next. These people just cut out the breaking up phase...but maybe they have been 'alone' for an incredibly long time already and need comfort before they can see clearly. Some people enter your life and stay forever, many are just transitory. There are all there for a reason at the time they arrive.
I don't believe in staying together 'for the kids' because the kids grow up in a loveless environment with two unhappy people who the children think are unhappy because of them somehow.
Having entered this relationship, I think, is something they were drawn into...continuing without a divorce or separation, I think, is odd. But if they give each other comfort it must be leading to a positive growth. I think its obvious that the situation could not stay unchanged for too long without unhappiness developing again.
I just get aggrevated with judgemental attitudes. No harm intended.
:yh_peace
And although we grow in our mistakes - we also grow in listening to the advice of those who've been there, and done that, suffered the consequences, bought the t-shirt, etc.
AT any rate,,,my prayers are there for anyone who seeks advice and direction in that they will find their direction not from man who's full of fault but from God, who gave us life, and this is his world. And our directions on how to behave on this rock is in Scripture. This is God's world so everything in it is under his eye. Regious or not, we'll all answer for our activities.
This isn't about a battle of words between you & I (Koan) but these people are lost.
So tell me Koan,,,,,what do you suggest these three do,,,,,
Thank you for asking.
Often when people ask for advice they leave out key information. That is why I find it easier to answer with a story of similar circumstances or a hypothetical situation.
My perception of marriage is less religious & more of a contract between two people (of any gender) to care for each other and respect each other. If they cannot be satisfied by their spouse then they should spend time alone to find out why they are unhappy. Too many people blame their unhappiness on others and, until they realize that the source of their happiness comes from within, they can not be made happy through any relationship.
A common mistake is to jump from one bad relationship too quickly into the next. These people just cut out the breaking up phase...but maybe they have been 'alone' for an incredibly long time already and need comfort before they can see clearly. Some people enter your life and stay forever, many are just transitory. There are all there for a reason at the time they arrive.
I don't believe in staying together 'for the kids' because the kids grow up in a loveless environment with two unhappy people who the children think are unhappy because of them somehow.
Having entered this relationship, I think, is something they were drawn into...continuing without a divorce or separation, I think, is odd. But if they give each other comfort it must be leading to a positive growth. I think its obvious that the situation could not stay unchanged for too long without unhappiness developing again.
I just get aggrevated with judgemental attitudes. No harm intended.
:yh_peace
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A Karenina
- Posts: 968
- Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 8:36 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
koan, I like you more and more :-6 Great posts!
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle
Aristotle
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Any updates rippy?
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Whew!
I just got finished reading this thread after not checking it for a while and boy... it looks like I have touched a few nerves here!
I think that it's pointless to try and "defend" my (our) actions to anyone. All that I can say is that until you have walked in my shoes ( of which no one could ever really do ) it would best not to "judge". Give an opinion... advise... relate, yes, but judgement should come from a higher power ( if you believe in that sort of thing ) and not another human being. I am not trying to get in a pissing match with anyone here, just stating MY opinion!
Love is a funny thing and I have come to the conclusion that as human beings it's impossible to "pick" who you fall in love with. It just happens... and you have to deal with the circumstances it which it comes about... whether they are good or bad. If someone were to question whether or not we ( her and I ) are morally wrong for doing what we are doing then I would have to question the morality of staying in a marriage that is absent of love. "Love" is the foundation that the institution of marriage is based on and without it, you are really just living a lie... A person could easily argue that this would be morally unjust as well. The truth, in our relationship, is that there are no lies. Nothing is happening behind anyones back, no fabricated stories or alibi's to "cover our tracks" whenever we are together. He knows how we feel about each other... and he's OK with it. I really get the impression ( from him ) that he has found an "out" from a marriage that should have never happened in the first place.
Now some of you may be saying to yourselves "oh, now I see, she is just using him (me) to get out of an uhappy marriage" but I really don't think this is the case.
If that was all she was looking for then I am sure she could have found someone with money and without children to use as her "out" instead of wasting her time with someone in my situation. I could be wrong... it damn sure wouldn't be the first time and I know that it won't be the last.
I am certain of one thing... I am in love with her... and it feels so good that words can't describe it. If that's wrong, then so be it.
I will keep you all posted...
RIP
I just got finished reading this thread after not checking it for a while and boy... it looks like I have touched a few nerves here!
I think that it's pointless to try and "defend" my (our) actions to anyone. All that I can say is that until you have walked in my shoes ( of which no one could ever really do ) it would best not to "judge". Give an opinion... advise... relate, yes, but judgement should come from a higher power ( if you believe in that sort of thing ) and not another human being. I am not trying to get in a pissing match with anyone here, just stating MY opinion!
Love is a funny thing and I have come to the conclusion that as human beings it's impossible to "pick" who you fall in love with. It just happens... and you have to deal with the circumstances it which it comes about... whether they are good or bad. If someone were to question whether or not we ( her and I ) are morally wrong for doing what we are doing then I would have to question the morality of staying in a marriage that is absent of love. "Love" is the foundation that the institution of marriage is based on and without it, you are really just living a lie... A person could easily argue that this would be morally unjust as well. The truth, in our relationship, is that there are no lies. Nothing is happening behind anyones back, no fabricated stories or alibi's to "cover our tracks" whenever we are together. He knows how we feel about each other... and he's OK with it. I really get the impression ( from him ) that he has found an "out" from a marriage that should have never happened in the first place.
Now some of you may be saying to yourselves "oh, now I see, she is just using him (me) to get out of an uhappy marriage" but I really don't think this is the case.
If that was all she was looking for then I am sure she could have found someone with money and without children to use as her "out" instead of wasting her time with someone in my situation. I could be wrong... it damn sure wouldn't be the first time and I know that it won't be the last.
I am certain of one thing... I am in love with her... and it feels so good that words can't describe it. If that's wrong, then so be it.
I will keep you all posted...
RIP
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Basically, the husband knew he was losing her. It is his attempt to keep her with him by allowing this. He had to have know you and she could fall in love or lust whichever the case may be. In the end, he may lose her anyways, but he basically lost her years ago anyways.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
rippy38 wrote: Greetings all!
I am new to this forum but not so new to forums in general... I just wanted to get some input on my current "situation" and this looked like a pretty good place!
I will cut to the chase and explain...
I am currently dating a married woman. Before I get slammed here... I do want to emphasize that we are seeing each other with her husbands blessing! It seems as though he is just not passionate enough for her and doesn't really even care for sex in general. They have been married for several years and about a year ago they were on the verge of divorce over the fact that he never wanted to have sex with her. Not wanting the marriage to end, they agreed to allow her a lover on the side. I met her ( chance meeting ) about two months ago and she was completely up front about what she was wanting out of our "relationship". I am a single father of two with a full time job and no time to really date so the idea of having a "no strings" sexual relationship ( with a beautiful woman, I must add ) sounded very appealing! I met her husband ( one of his stipulations ) and he is a super nice guy! Apparently I made a good impression as well because he made the comment to her after dinner that night that I was "perfect" for her. Now before you ask... he has absolutly no interest in making it a threesome... that's not at all what this is about. It is one of her fantasies but not one his!
Before we ever had sex we laid down some ground rules ( crazy sh!t, huh? ) with one being that she would never leave her husband for me and that I would never pressure her to leave her husband. I think that so far we have done pretty good about keeping it all together ( feelings can be very hard to control as most of you, I'm sure, already know ) but this past weekend she told me that she loved me... and what is even more disturbing is that I told her that I loved her too! The thing that kinda bothers me about swapping the "I love yous" was that it didn't happen in the throws of passion... we were riding in my car just talking and cutting up as I was taking her home!
My delimma is... have I let this go too far? Should I have even gotten involved in the first place? Just how deep of a hole am I digging myself here?
Is there anyone else here that has gone through something like this before that can offer a little advice?
I have developed feelings for her and I'm sure that she has for me as well. I really enjoy being with her ( not to mention that the sex is vavooom! ) and we are starting to spend a bit more time together outside of the bedroom and I guess that I am just trying to find out if it's time to back off just a tad.
Thanks for hearing me out guys... this isn't something that I can really talk to friends and family about so I figured this was a good place...
RIP
I just thought I would bring this thread forward as we have a lot of new folks out there and it is an interesting topic and the debates are well worth reading.
Now I went through this rather quickly and picked up a few interesting things.
1) Rip has kids bloody hell this ain't no way to have a relationship when your trying to raise kids. They will (guaranteed) have messed ideas on the concept of relationships. Think of the kids
2) mention was made that no 2 people should hold a marriage/relationship together "for the sake of the kids" BRAVO yes how true, kids get messed up so easily these days, and if they live in a family where parents are miserable with each otehr, hate heach other, cheat on each other just what are those kids learning.
3) This brings up my entirely favorite topic on the planet... Monogamy... do we think it is our basic instinct to be monogamous.... Think back to cave men, were they monogamous? Do we know this, we know they lived in Packs... they were proof we needed more than just a single person around us, so what about in the marital way? And who in history decided we should be monogamous... government and religiuos leaders.... dare I expand on what some of us think about them.
I appareciate all your opinions and I respect your beliefs and didn't start this to go one way or the other or slam marriage, or condone cheating, or talk any of you down for your individual situations, it is just a topic I see lots of flaws in.
I can honestly say, that cheating on ones partner is the most hurtful thing one person can do to another.... I have been there, and believe me, there are many people who know me and my ex and still can not figure out why the ex made the choice he did. I went into marriage with the belief that catching my partner cheating would be the only thing that would tempt me into doing jail time. Fortunately it gave me strength to divorce the jackass and learn to enjoy a happy and independant life.
Minks
I am new to this forum but not so new to forums in general... I just wanted to get some input on my current "situation" and this looked like a pretty good place!
I will cut to the chase and explain...
I am currently dating a married woman. Before I get slammed here... I do want to emphasize that we are seeing each other with her husbands blessing! It seems as though he is just not passionate enough for her and doesn't really even care for sex in general. They have been married for several years and about a year ago they were on the verge of divorce over the fact that he never wanted to have sex with her. Not wanting the marriage to end, they agreed to allow her a lover on the side. I met her ( chance meeting ) about two months ago and she was completely up front about what she was wanting out of our "relationship". I am a single father of two with a full time job and no time to really date so the idea of having a "no strings" sexual relationship ( with a beautiful woman, I must add ) sounded very appealing! I met her husband ( one of his stipulations ) and he is a super nice guy! Apparently I made a good impression as well because he made the comment to her after dinner that night that I was "perfect" for her. Now before you ask... he has absolutly no interest in making it a threesome... that's not at all what this is about. It is one of her fantasies but not one his!
Before we ever had sex we laid down some ground rules ( crazy sh!t, huh? ) with one being that she would never leave her husband for me and that I would never pressure her to leave her husband. I think that so far we have done pretty good about keeping it all together ( feelings can be very hard to control as most of you, I'm sure, already know ) but this past weekend she told me that she loved me... and what is even more disturbing is that I told her that I loved her too! The thing that kinda bothers me about swapping the "I love yous" was that it didn't happen in the throws of passion... we were riding in my car just talking and cutting up as I was taking her home!
My delimma is... have I let this go too far? Should I have even gotten involved in the first place? Just how deep of a hole am I digging myself here?
Is there anyone else here that has gone through something like this before that can offer a little advice?
I have developed feelings for her and I'm sure that she has for me as well. I really enjoy being with her ( not to mention that the sex is vavooom! ) and we are starting to spend a bit more time together outside of the bedroom and I guess that I am just trying to find out if it's time to back off just a tad.
Thanks for hearing me out guys... this isn't something that I can really talk to friends and family about so I figured this was a good place...
RIP
I just thought I would bring this thread forward as we have a lot of new folks out there and it is an interesting topic and the debates are well worth reading.
Now I went through this rather quickly and picked up a few interesting things.
1) Rip has kids bloody hell this ain't no way to have a relationship when your trying to raise kids. They will (guaranteed) have messed ideas on the concept of relationships. Think of the kids
2) mention was made that no 2 people should hold a marriage/relationship together "for the sake of the kids" BRAVO yes how true, kids get messed up so easily these days, and if they live in a family where parents are miserable with each otehr, hate heach other, cheat on each other just what are those kids learning.
3) This brings up my entirely favorite topic on the planet... Monogamy... do we think it is our basic instinct to be monogamous.... Think back to cave men, were they monogamous? Do we know this, we know they lived in Packs... they were proof we needed more than just a single person around us, so what about in the marital way? And who in history decided we should be monogamous... government and religiuos leaders.... dare I expand on what some of us think about them.
I appareciate all your opinions and I respect your beliefs and didn't start this to go one way or the other or slam marriage, or condone cheating, or talk any of you down for your individual situations, it is just a topic I see lots of flaws in.
I can honestly say, that cheating on ones partner is the most hurtful thing one person can do to another.... I have been there, and believe me, there are many people who know me and my ex and still can not figure out why the ex made the choice he did. I went into marriage with the belief that catching my partner cheating would be the only thing that would tempt me into doing jail time. Fortunately it gave me strength to divorce the jackass and learn to enjoy a happy and independant life.
Minks
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
― Mae West
― Mae West
-
A Karenina
- Posts: 968
- Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 8:36 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Monogamy...tough one. I don't feel I can really speak to that because my opportunity for being monogamous ended with my divorce.
I'm also very crabby about the subject after being harrassed yesterday about how I "should" get married, and I "should" put a man first in my life...apparently himself. Ugh! And why is he so interested in marrying me? Because I have a nice smile and I don't annoy him with useless conversations he doesn't want to have. That's what he says. Argh!!
Monogamy? Marriage? Not today - not if that's the basis for it. And I know that's totally unfair. I have some good friends with wonderful marriages. I don't know if they've always been faithful or not, I don't ask. But they are happy more often than unhappy. They are good friends and treat each other with respect. They enjoy spending time together.
I'm rambling...I'm sorry!
I'm also very crabby about the subject after being harrassed yesterday about how I "should" get married, and I "should" put a man first in my life...apparently himself. Ugh! And why is he so interested in marrying me? Because I have a nice smile and I don't annoy him with useless conversations he doesn't want to have. That's what he says. Argh!!
Monogamy? Marriage? Not today - not if that's the basis for it. And I know that's totally unfair. I have some good friends with wonderful marriages. I don't know if they've always been faithful or not, I don't ask. But they are happy more often than unhappy. They are good friends and treat each other with respect. They enjoy spending time together.
I'm rambling...I'm sorry!
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle
Aristotle
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Monogamy as an instinct has been questioned for a long time and used quite often, I believe, as an excuse for cheating. "It is not in a man's nature to be monogamous". Apparently. What about a woman's nature? I am having trouble right now because I don't want to be limited to loving just one person. Having a boyfriend and a girlfriend is often considered acceptable but that just leads to triangular trouble. Interestingly enough, if a boyfriend is having trouble committing to a relationship they are not too keen on letting the woman explore their own curiousities. At the same time being with two men who know each other does not work out well, even when they initiate the triangle. Trust me on this one. Jealousy always creeps in. So we should all love each other but we should not openly demonstrate our love for more than one person at a time if we want at least one of them to stick around for a while. Like it or not, monogamy is the only way to really explore ourselves and our capacity to love fully and completely.
I'm probably not as wild as I sound.
I'm probably not as wild as I sound.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
rippy38 wrote: Greetings all!
I am new to this forum but not so new to forums in general... I just wanted to get some input on my current "situation" and this looked like a pretty good place!
I will cut to the chase and explain...
I am currently dating a married woman. Before I get slammed here... I do want to emphasize that we are seeing each other with her husbands blessing! It seems as though he is just not passionate enough for her and doesn't really even care for sex in general. They have been married for several years and about a year ago they were on the verge of divorce over the fact that he never wanted to have sex with her. Not wanting the marriage to end, they agreed to allow her a lover on the side. I met her ( chance meeting ) about two months ago and she was completely up front about what she was wanting out of our "relationship". I am a single father of two with a full time job and no time to really date so the idea of having a "no strings" sexual relationship ( with a beautiful woman, I must add ) sounded very appealing! I met her husband ( one of his stipulations ) and he is a super nice guy! Apparently I made a good impression as well because he made the comment to her after dinner that night that I was "perfect" for her. Now before you ask... he has absolutly no interest in making it a threesome... that's not at all what this is about. It is one of her fantasies but not one his!
Before we ever had sex we laid down some ground rules ( crazy sh!t, huh? ) with one being that she would never leave her husband for me and that I would never pressure her to leave her husband. I think that so far we have done pretty good about keeping it all together ( feelings can be very hard to control as most of you, I'm sure, already know ) but this past weekend she told me that she loved me... and what is even more disturbing is that I told her that I loved her too! The thing that kinda bothers me about swapping the "I love yous" was that it didn't happen in the throws of passion... we were riding in my car just talking and cutting up as I was taking her home!
My delimma is... have I let this go too far? Should I have even gotten involved in the first place? Just how deep of a hole am I digging myself here?
Is there anyone else here that has gone through something like this before that can offer a little advice?
I have developed feelings for her and I'm sure that she has for me as well. I really enjoy being with her ( not to mention that the sex is vavooom! ) and we are starting to spend a bit more time together outside of the bedroom and I guess that I am just trying to find out if it's time to back off just a tad.
Thanks for hearing me out guys... this isn't something that I can really talk to friends and family about so I figured this was a good place...
RIPWhat a shame it is that you are responsible for two children. If you had anything on the ball at all, you would concentrate on raising them, not getting involved in a situation as distorted as this. What kind of a hole are you in? You already know.. or you wouldnt have to ask.This arrangement is a flaming example of why our family structure is sliding into the toilet. Complete disregard for commitment, fidelity, respect for one another, and a penchant the human race has developed for instant gratification, without responsibility for others.
I am new to this forum but not so new to forums in general... I just wanted to get some input on my current "situation" and this looked like a pretty good place!
I will cut to the chase and explain...
I am currently dating a married woman. Before I get slammed here... I do want to emphasize that we are seeing each other with her husbands blessing! It seems as though he is just not passionate enough for her and doesn't really even care for sex in general. They have been married for several years and about a year ago they were on the verge of divorce over the fact that he never wanted to have sex with her. Not wanting the marriage to end, they agreed to allow her a lover on the side. I met her ( chance meeting ) about two months ago and she was completely up front about what she was wanting out of our "relationship". I am a single father of two with a full time job and no time to really date so the idea of having a "no strings" sexual relationship ( with a beautiful woman, I must add ) sounded very appealing! I met her husband ( one of his stipulations ) and he is a super nice guy! Apparently I made a good impression as well because he made the comment to her after dinner that night that I was "perfect" for her. Now before you ask... he has absolutly no interest in making it a threesome... that's not at all what this is about. It is one of her fantasies but not one his!
Before we ever had sex we laid down some ground rules ( crazy sh!t, huh? ) with one being that she would never leave her husband for me and that I would never pressure her to leave her husband. I think that so far we have done pretty good about keeping it all together ( feelings can be very hard to control as most of you, I'm sure, already know ) but this past weekend she told me that she loved me... and what is even more disturbing is that I told her that I loved her too! The thing that kinda bothers me about swapping the "I love yous" was that it didn't happen in the throws of passion... we were riding in my car just talking and cutting up as I was taking her home!
My delimma is... have I let this go too far? Should I have even gotten involved in the first place? Just how deep of a hole am I digging myself here?
Is there anyone else here that has gone through something like this before that can offer a little advice?
I have developed feelings for her and I'm sure that she has for me as well. I really enjoy being with her ( not to mention that the sex is vavooom! ) and we are starting to spend a bit more time together outside of the bedroom and I guess that I am just trying to find out if it's time to back off just a tad.
Thanks for hearing me out guys... this isn't something that I can really talk to friends and family about so I figured this was a good place...
RIPWhat a shame it is that you are responsible for two children. If you had anything on the ball at all, you would concentrate on raising them, not getting involved in a situation as distorted as this. What kind of a hole are you in? You already know.. or you wouldnt have to ask.This arrangement is a flaming example of why our family structure is sliding into the toilet. Complete disregard for commitment, fidelity, respect for one another, and a penchant the human race has developed for instant gratification, without responsibility for others.
[FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][/FONT]
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Wednesday's Child
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2004 1:00 pm
New guy in an odd situation (long)
It seems Rippy has found greener pastures and what a shame. I would love to read
what is happening in his life and if he is still having his arrangement.
Forbidden sex is absolutely divine when one has been hurt, especially through a divorce, and rarely do divorcees take the challenge of celibacy. Something about sex with either a male or female who is married makes people lose their minds and nobody is immune, even the finger-pointers who say "Not me - ever! " HA!
It happens to anyone because love isn't something we can turn on and off at will.
My advice Rippy is to leave the situation as soon as you feel strong enough. If you two want to reunite later, wait for it to become OK ... she has some personal things to take care of and you are going to be in a world of hurt.
Sometimes after a rough divorce we lose some of our self-worth, thinking we are now "second hand material"... and "not quite good enough to attract a women or man we dream about".... this is quite common, and we all have to go through it after the loss of a love or long term relationship - especially marriage.
In other words - most people are quite vulnerable to mad escapades .... to regain their feelings of being cared about. And mistakes are easily made.
With luck, you will go on to find another woman with whom you can share the right kind of love and sex and want to have a permanent relationship with - perhaps one which will last into your old age when it is so important we have a companion who has lived our lives along side of us....in love.
In sum: It is always up to you Rippy. I hope you return to tell the posters here what your life is like now.
what is happening in his life and if he is still having his arrangement.
Forbidden sex is absolutely divine when one has been hurt, especially through a divorce, and rarely do divorcees take the challenge of celibacy. Something about sex with either a male or female who is married makes people lose their minds and nobody is immune, even the finger-pointers who say "Not me - ever! " HA!
It happens to anyone because love isn't something we can turn on and off at will.
My advice Rippy is to leave the situation as soon as you feel strong enough. If you two want to reunite later, wait for it to become OK ... she has some personal things to take care of and you are going to be in a world of hurt.
Sometimes after a rough divorce we lose some of our self-worth, thinking we are now "second hand material"... and "not quite good enough to attract a women or man we dream about".... this is quite common, and we all have to go through it after the loss of a love or long term relationship - especially marriage.
In other words - most people are quite vulnerable to mad escapades .... to regain their feelings of being cared about. And mistakes are easily made.
With luck, you will go on to find another woman with whom you can share the right kind of love and sex and want to have a permanent relationship with - perhaps one which will last into your old age when it is so important we have a companion who has lived our lives along side of us....in love.
In sum: It is always up to you Rippy. I hope you return to tell the posters here what your life is like now.
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Wednesday's Child
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2004 1:00 pm
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Koan
Your thoughts and opinions constantly hit wonderful places to think about .... you are extremely intuitive (but you already know that eh?)....
Your posts are absolute jewels to read.....WC
Your thoughts and opinions constantly hit wonderful places to think about .... you are extremely intuitive (but you already know that eh?)....
Your posts are absolute jewels to read.....WC
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Wednesday's Child wrote: It seems Rippy has found greener pastures and what a shame. I would love to read
what is happening in his life and if he is still having his arrangement.
Forbidden sex is absolutely divine when one has been hurt, especially through a divorce, and rarely do divorcees take the challenge of celibacy. Something about sex with either a male or female who is married makes people lose their minds and nobody is immune, even the finger-pointers who say "Not me - ever! " HA!
It happens to anyone because love isn't something we can turn on and off at will.
My advice Rippy is to leave the situation as soon as you feel strong enough. If you two want to reunite later, wait for it to become OK ... she has some personal things to take care of and you are going to be in a world of hurt.
Sometimes after a rough divorce we lose some of our self-worth, thinking we are now "second hand material"... and "not quite good enough to attract a women or man we dream about".... this is quite common, and we all have to go through it after the loss of a love or long term relationship - especially marriage.
In other words - most people are quite vulnerable to mad escapades .... to regain their feelings of being cared about. And mistakes are easily made.
With luck, you will go on to find another woman with whom you can share the right kind of love and sex and want to have a permanent relationship with - perhaps one which will last into your old age when it is so important we have a companion who has lived our lives along side of us....in love.
In sum: It is always up to you Rippy. I hope you return to tell the posters here what your life is like now.I am pleased to have you refer to celibacy as a challenge. That is exactly what it is. It is also a growing and tremendous learning experience. Intelligent, clear headed decisions regarding whether or not to become involved with someone, are clouded by physical involvement. As thrilling as fo rbidden sex may be.. there ARE people who are immune from the lure of it. The reason is because we have made a firm decision not to be involved with anyone elses spouse. It has been my experience to have witnessed the ravages inflicted on families because of situations similar to the one described. I do hope this man considers some of the thoughtful advice you all have contributed. It is too much of a painful subject for me... to be benevolent enough to be kind about it.
what is happening in his life and if he is still having his arrangement.
Forbidden sex is absolutely divine when one has been hurt, especially through a divorce, and rarely do divorcees take the challenge of celibacy. Something about sex with either a male or female who is married makes people lose their minds and nobody is immune, even the finger-pointers who say "Not me - ever! " HA!
It happens to anyone because love isn't something we can turn on and off at will.
My advice Rippy is to leave the situation as soon as you feel strong enough. If you two want to reunite later, wait for it to become OK ... she has some personal things to take care of and you are going to be in a world of hurt.
Sometimes after a rough divorce we lose some of our self-worth, thinking we are now "second hand material"... and "not quite good enough to attract a women or man we dream about".... this is quite common, and we all have to go through it after the loss of a love or long term relationship - especially marriage.
In other words - most people are quite vulnerable to mad escapades .... to regain their feelings of being cared about. And mistakes are easily made.
With luck, you will go on to find another woman with whom you can share the right kind of love and sex and want to have a permanent relationship with - perhaps one which will last into your old age when it is so important we have a companion who has lived our lives along side of us....in love.
In sum: It is always up to you Rippy. I hope you return to tell the posters here what your life is like now.I am pleased to have you refer to celibacy as a challenge. That is exactly what it is. It is also a growing and tremendous learning experience. Intelligent, clear headed decisions regarding whether or not to become involved with someone, are clouded by physical involvement. As thrilling as fo rbidden sex may be.. there ARE people who are immune from the lure of it. The reason is because we have made a firm decision not to be involved with anyone elses spouse. It has been my experience to have witnessed the ravages inflicted on families because of situations similar to the one described. I do hope this man considers some of the thoughtful advice you all have contributed. It is too much of a painful subject for me... to be benevolent enough to be kind about it.
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Wednesday's Child
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2004 1:00 pm
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Weeder
We are all entitled to our personal opinions on a hot potato subject such as extra marital affairs....some are stronger than others, and some are more endowed with sexual need and not enough self-confidence to withstand the flattery of being "loved" again or "falling in love again"....when we all know often it is "lust" not "love".
Problem is we are all different and make mistakes for so many reasons, it is impossible to place us all under a label of "bad dog" or "fool".... or whatever.... some may even say: "take what you can get while the getting is good".
I feel you have experience in decisions of this kind and that you have had to live through something unpleasant in your own life - and for that I am so sorry.
We can only follow what our own personal gifts allow....even if it means having denied ourselves the temporary relief and pleasure of having someone again.... but we can't stand in judgment....we can only judge ourselves...the only ones who should matter in decisions such as this....and our impact on those we love and are responsible for.
We are all entitled to our personal opinions on a hot potato subject such as extra marital affairs....some are stronger than others, and some are more endowed with sexual need and not enough self-confidence to withstand the flattery of being "loved" again or "falling in love again"....when we all know often it is "lust" not "love".
Problem is we are all different and make mistakes for so many reasons, it is impossible to place us all under a label of "bad dog" or "fool".... or whatever.... some may even say: "take what you can get while the getting is good".
I feel you have experience in decisions of this kind and that you have had to live through something unpleasant in your own life - and for that I am so sorry.
We can only follow what our own personal gifts allow....even if it means having denied ourselves the temporary relief and pleasure of having someone again.... but we can't stand in judgment....we can only judge ourselves...the only ones who should matter in decisions such as this....and our impact on those we love and are responsible for.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Wednesday's Child wrote: Weeder
We are all entitled to our personal opinions on a hot potato subject such as extra marital affairs....some are stronger than others, and some are more endowed with sexual need and not enough self-confidence to withstand the flattery of being "loved" again or "falling in love again"....when we all know often it is "lust" not "love".
Problem is we are all different and make mistakes for so many reasons, it is impossible to place us all under a label of "bad dog" or "fool".... or whatever.... some may even say: "take what you can get while the getting is good".
I feel you have experience in decisions of this kind and that you have had to live through something unpleasant in your own life - and for that I am so sorry.
We can only follow what our own personal gifts allow....even if it means having denied ourselves the temporary relief and pleasure of having someone again.... but we can't stand in judgment....we can only judge ourselves...the only ones who should matter in decisions such as this....and our impact on those we love and are responsible for.Wednesdays Child, I appreciate your outlook.
However, if we as civilized human beings were not responsible for judging each others behavior, we would not have a judicial system. Also in a more perfect world elders have a responsibility to look out for all children, not just our own. I have a tremendous respect for women in our society. The condoning of infidelity
under any circumstances is the beginning of mahem, despite the fact that it has been going on since the beginning of time. I am neither a zealot or a meddler on any subject. I would never give my opinion on a topic as fired as this, under ordinary circumstances. It is actually quite amazing for me to experience people discussing issues like these on a forum. My era was the 70's we discussed everything and anything with each other. And by thw way... in those days I was quite the little liberal. I changed, as I lived. And as I said experienced the devastation of families because of irresponsible behavior.I am dropping out of this issue now. My outlook makes me realize Im getting old... And I think I will stick to topics of of a more benign nature. Because I realize, I cant change the world.
We are all entitled to our personal opinions on a hot potato subject such as extra marital affairs....some are stronger than others, and some are more endowed with sexual need and not enough self-confidence to withstand the flattery of being "loved" again or "falling in love again"....when we all know often it is "lust" not "love".
Problem is we are all different and make mistakes for so many reasons, it is impossible to place us all under a label of "bad dog" or "fool".... or whatever.... some may even say: "take what you can get while the getting is good".
I feel you have experience in decisions of this kind and that you have had to live through something unpleasant in your own life - and for that I am so sorry.
We can only follow what our own personal gifts allow....even if it means having denied ourselves the temporary relief and pleasure of having someone again.... but we can't stand in judgment....we can only judge ourselves...the only ones who should matter in decisions such as this....and our impact on those we love and are responsible for.Wednesdays Child, I appreciate your outlook.
However, if we as civilized human beings were not responsible for judging each others behavior, we would not have a judicial system. Also in a more perfect world elders have a responsibility to look out for all children, not just our own. I have a tremendous respect for women in our society. The condoning of infidelity
under any circumstances is the beginning of mahem, despite the fact that it has been going on since the beginning of time. I am neither a zealot or a meddler on any subject. I would never give my opinion on a topic as fired as this, under ordinary circumstances. It is actually quite amazing for me to experience people discussing issues like these on a forum. My era was the 70's we discussed everything and anything with each other. And by thw way... in those days I was quite the little liberal. I changed, as I lived. And as I said experienced the devastation of families because of irresponsible behavior.I am dropping out of this issue now. My outlook makes me realize Im getting old... And I think I will stick to topics of of a more benign nature. Because I realize, I cant change the world.
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Wednesday's Child
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2004 1:00 pm
New guy in an odd situation (long)
weeder wrote: Wednesdays Child, I appreciate your outlook.
However, if we as civilized human beings were not responsible for judging each others behavior, we would not have a judicial system. Also in a more perfect world elders have a responsibility to look out for all children, not just our own. I have a tremendous respect for women in our society. The condoning of infidelity
under any circumstances is the beginning of mahem, despite the fact that it has been going on since the beginning of time. I am neither a zealot or a meddler on any subject. I would never give my opinion on a topic as fired as this, under ordinary circumstances. It is actually quite amazing for me to experience people discussing issues like these on a forum. My era was the 70's we discussed everything and anything with each other. And by thw way... in those days I was quite the little liberal. I changed, as I lived. And as I said experienced the devastation of families because of irresponsible behavior.I am dropping out of this issue now. My outlook makes me realize Im getting old... And I think I will stick to topics of of a more benign nature. Because I realize, I cant change the world.
Weeder
You are quite correct and this is a forum where all opinions are welcomed and encouraged. I don't see you as a meddler or zealot - only that often no matter what we wish for in the way of societal order, cannot always be.
I agree totally that societies' morals have seen better days, or perhaps we now speak of things more openly and hold back on our true opinions because acceptance is so needed by those who transgress.
Your opinion is as important as any others here and I think should be heard over and over again.... a one-sided debate means nothing.
I don't believe you are "old" at all, but have wisdom others must spend years learning as did you. If we are getting more irresponsible as we age, then there is no hope for us personally.
Your points about judgment and the judicial system are well taken except I find the judicial system these days wanting as well.... I often think we are headed for a complete breakdown and wonder what will mitigate our plunge into darkness..restoring our ideals and values once again.
But...I was merely pointing out the fact there are people who will indulge their passions in liaisons with married people or people not available to them legitimately.... for their own reasons. I accept they must have the consequences of their acts as well for they will come.
I have a choice to stand silently by knowing what will come....speak up advocating they cease their self-destructive behavior immediately.... or advise them as best I can and hope they hear.
I also have two shoulders one for me and one for others. Nothing surprises me
any more.
However, if we as civilized human beings were not responsible for judging each others behavior, we would not have a judicial system. Also in a more perfect world elders have a responsibility to look out for all children, not just our own. I have a tremendous respect for women in our society. The condoning of infidelity
under any circumstances is the beginning of mahem, despite the fact that it has been going on since the beginning of time. I am neither a zealot or a meddler on any subject. I would never give my opinion on a topic as fired as this, under ordinary circumstances. It is actually quite amazing for me to experience people discussing issues like these on a forum. My era was the 70's we discussed everything and anything with each other. And by thw way... in those days I was quite the little liberal. I changed, as I lived. And as I said experienced the devastation of families because of irresponsible behavior.I am dropping out of this issue now. My outlook makes me realize Im getting old... And I think I will stick to topics of of a more benign nature. Because I realize, I cant change the world.
Weeder
You are quite correct and this is a forum where all opinions are welcomed and encouraged. I don't see you as a meddler or zealot - only that often no matter what we wish for in the way of societal order, cannot always be.
I agree totally that societies' morals have seen better days, or perhaps we now speak of things more openly and hold back on our true opinions because acceptance is so needed by those who transgress.
Your opinion is as important as any others here and I think should be heard over and over again.... a one-sided debate means nothing.
I don't believe you are "old" at all, but have wisdom others must spend years learning as did you. If we are getting more irresponsible as we age, then there is no hope for us personally.
Your points about judgment and the judicial system are well taken except I find the judicial system these days wanting as well.... I often think we are headed for a complete breakdown and wonder what will mitigate our plunge into darkness..restoring our ideals and values once again.
But...I was merely pointing out the fact there are people who will indulge their passions in liaisons with married people or people not available to them legitimately.... for their own reasons. I accept they must have the consequences of their acts as well for they will come.
I have a choice to stand silently by knowing what will come....speak up advocating they cease their self-destructive behavior immediately.... or advise them as best I can and hope they hear.
I also have two shoulders one for me and one for others. Nothing surprises me
any more.
New guy in an odd situation (long)
Nothing surprises me any more.
Nothing?
I surprise myself all the time. :wah:
Nothing?
I surprise myself all the time. :wah:
New guy in an odd situation (long)
pixiechic2000 wrote: Ya, you made a mistake, but you set yourself up if the relationship crashes. This woman is married. I find it extremely odd that her husband gave you the nod of approval just so he wouldn't have to make love to his own wife. Red lights and loud alarms would have been sounding here.
Remember that beauty and passion fade with the years. I assume you are old enough to know the difference between lust and love. Maybe you hit it off in the sack right now, but how will you both feel when you look back at the scenario in ten to twenty years. If you are still together.
Again, this is only my opinion. Doesn't the word "marriage" mean anything to people? A holy union between one man and one woman that is sacred and blessed by God. From a moral and religious stand point, I disagree with what you are doing.
Again, this is only my opinion.
Marriage, a sacred and special bond between a couple. Even more divine if it can withstand all the other time bombs thrown at it. Marriages start out with the promise of support, love, faithfulness etc. But then what happens when that shine wears off. Lets face it many many people crave the shine, crave the attention and the admiration of another, and sadly many marriages fall apart because a) one partner can not control their craving, 2) one partner can no longer maintain the shine.
Lust, adoration, admiration, love, praise acceptance etc, all these other feel good things are something we the lowely human beings crave. It is an addiction to some and when you no longer get it in your marriage or think you are no longer getting it in your marriage, you stray. It has to make you wonder about the human "make up" so sad indeed. Marriage is complex indeed. And we all have our opinions on it and it is for some but not for others.
Remember that beauty and passion fade with the years. I assume you are old enough to know the difference between lust and love. Maybe you hit it off in the sack right now, but how will you both feel when you look back at the scenario in ten to twenty years. If you are still together.
Again, this is only my opinion. Doesn't the word "marriage" mean anything to people? A holy union between one man and one woman that is sacred and blessed by God. From a moral and religious stand point, I disagree with what you are doing.
Again, this is only my opinion.
Marriage, a sacred and special bond between a couple. Even more divine if it can withstand all the other time bombs thrown at it. Marriages start out with the promise of support, love, faithfulness etc. But then what happens when that shine wears off. Lets face it many many people crave the shine, crave the attention and the admiration of another, and sadly many marriages fall apart because a) one partner can not control their craving, 2) one partner can no longer maintain the shine.
Lust, adoration, admiration, love, praise acceptance etc, all these other feel good things are something we the lowely human beings crave. It is an addiction to some and when you no longer get it in your marriage or think you are no longer getting it in your marriage, you stray. It has to make you wonder about the human "make up" so sad indeed. Marriage is complex indeed. And we all have our opinions on it and it is for some but not for others.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
― Mae West
― Mae West
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samanthaguy
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2005 10:27 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
WOW!!!!!! FIRST OFF MY MOM WAS A FULLTIME SINGLE MOTHER AND BREAD WINNER AND MANAGED TO FIND TIME TO GET MARRIED 5 TIMES. YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN YOURSELF IN THIS SITUATION ( HINDSIGHT IS ALWAYS 20/20) YOU SHOULD DROP THEM BOTH LIKE A BAD HABIT, SHES USED TO FREEDOM SO IF SHE LEAVES HER HUSBAND FOR YOU SHELL BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ON THE SIDE WITH YOU... I KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT THIS WOMAN AND THINK HER HUSBAND IS COOL BUT THEIR NUTS............. MARRIED COUPLES DONT DO THIS SORT OF THING THEY COULD HAVE SPLIT UP IF THE RELATIONSHIP WAS THAT DEAD... AND ABOVE ALL THINGS YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE EXAMPLE YOU ARE SETTING FOR YOUR KIDS.. YOU ARE A SINGLE PARENT FOR A REASON YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE #1.. SUCK UP YOUR FEELINGS AND LET HER GO IF THIS WAS TO CAUSE PROBS. THEY WOULDNT JUST EFFECT YOU THEY WOULD AFFECT YOU WHOLE FAMILY(KIDS)THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF GROUPS FOR FREE THAT MEET NIGHTLY WITH DAYCARES JUST FOR SINGLE PARENTS WHO ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.... IF YOU ARE INTRESTED LET ME KNOW AND LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU ARE LOCATED AND I WILL LOOK IT UP FOR YOU... THESE GROUPS TAKE TRIPS AND DO ALOT OF COOL THINGS... I DONT MEAN TO SOUND HARSH BUT THIS IS NOT A GOOD SITUATION, THINK ABOUT IT.... 
VERY OPEN MINDED....BUT OFTEN CONFUSED......-
samanthaguy
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2005 10:27 am
New guy in an odd situation (long)
i found a web site you should look into www.parentswithoutpartners.org check it out good luck
VERY OPEN MINDED....BUT OFTEN CONFUSED......
New guy in an odd situation (long)
samanthaguy wrote: i found a web site you should look into www.parentswithoutpartners.org check it out good luck
PWP is an excellent group! My mother found my stepdad because of this group and has been happily married for 12 years!
PWP is an excellent group! My mother found my stepdad because of this group and has been happily married for 12 years!
[FONT=Arial Black]I hope you cherish this sweet way of life, and I hope you know that it comes with a price.
~Darrel Worley~
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Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN?????
We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.
~Darrel Worley~
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Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN?????
We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.