Colonoscopy reveals Bush's brain

[Chookie]

28 Jul 2007 by Adam Tan

In what scientists are describing as a landmark medical breakthrough, doctors have announced the discovery of George W. Bush's cerebrum. The epoch-making event occurred during a routine colonoscopy. "We found a tiny mass embedded in the wall of the president's lower intestine," said Dr Douglas Ramsbottom at a packed news conference. "Tests of the tissue indicated that the mass was indeed a brain." At approximately one millimetre in diameter, the object is believed to be the smallest hominid brain known to science.

Bush's aides immediately reacted to the astounding news. "This simply confirms that the president is an intelligent life form, something that only terrorists and their liberal enablers have ever doubted," said presidential press secretary Tony Snow. Bush associates privately expressed relief that the president does in fact possess an organ capable of cognition. "We had almost lost hope," said a White House official who insisted on anonymity.

The discovery has reignited the fierce debate in the United States over the validity of Darwin's theory of evolution. "It appears that the complete isolation of the White House has allowed Bush to become an entirely new species, much as the isolation of the Galapagos Islands produced species unique to that ecosystem," said Gregory T Mullet, professor of reactionary biology at Yale University.

Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention calls this argument "nonsense". "Only the miraculous hand of God could place a man's brain in his rectum," Land said in an interview with Fox News. "There could be no more decisive proof that the so-called evolution theory is a left wing hoax."

International reaction has been mixed. Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, who considers his own cerebrum to be "phat", said that he never doubted that Bush "deep down" was a "thinker". "I knew that President Bush had the intestinal fortitude, as it were, to understand that perpetual warfare is the only genuine way to secure peace, as well as BAE's profits of course," Blair observed. "Actually, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave that bit about BAE out of your story," he added hastily.

Others were less charitable. "I've always thought Bush had **** for brains," said Hassan Nasrallah, leader of the Lebanese Hezbollah movement. "This discovery would seem to put the issue to rest.