Political jokes (US flavour)

[Chookie]

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, the Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. It was just like the other debates, except the moderator asked the same question over and over." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday while in Europe, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani called for an expansion of NATO. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I believe it's pronounced Nintendo.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Dan Rather announced yesterday he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, 'Then I'm suing for $700 million.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the Secretary of Education spoke to a group of school children in Cleveland. She told the students that if they got a good education, they can get the hell out of Cleveland" --Conan O'Brien

"The Iranian President ... is coming to New York, but he's been denied permission to go to Ground Zero in New York City. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. I got an idea. Is there any way we can bring Ground Zero to him?" --Jay Leno

"Another person was tasered today during a John Kerry speech ... not for being disruptive. I guess while listening to Kerry, the guy slipped into a coma." --Jay Leno

"In fact, when asked about that tasing incident the other day, John Kerry said at first he was for the tasing, but then he was against it." --Jay Leno

"It is now being reported that restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig is no longer using the Minneapolis airport when he flies from Idaho to Washington, DC. Instead he's using Denver. He says Denver's faster, more convenient and with 23 stalls." --Jay Leno

"Reporters at the Washington-based web site The Politico said that Larry Craig's return to the Capitol this week was 'about as wanted as a mystery meat sandwich.' ... Which was what Craig was asking the undercover cop for." --Jay Leno

"There are now allegations that New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick may have tampered with the stadium's audio frequencies to eavesdrop on the other teams' conversations. But the good news of these spying allegations is that today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration." --Jay Leno

"What's going on with Dan Rather? ... Dan Rather's suing CBS for $70 million, claiming that the network where he worked for years forced him out a job. Hmm, you can get $70 million for that?" --Jay Leno

"Just today, President Bush gave a press conference to talk about an issue on everyone's mind -- health care. Specifically, this so-called SCHIP insurance bill. It's a Democratic measure that would expand what children would be eligible for federally funded health insurance. And you know why that's bad [on screen: Bush saying, 'The SCHIP plan is an incremental step toward the goal of government run health care for every American']. Oh my God, they're gonna put Communism in our kids' drinking water ... and then inject them with the gay and load them on Michael Moore and float them to Cuba!" --Jon Stewart

"So obviously, the president has a better idea [on screen: Bush saying, 'I believe the best approach is to put more power in the hands of individuals. By empowering people and their doctors...']. Okay, I'm just going to stop him right there. ... I think I figured out the disconnect here. I think I figured out the problem. 'Empowering people and their doctors.' See, he thinks the uninsured have doctors." --Jon Stewart

Sept. 19, 2007

"At a John Kerry speech at the University of Florida, a student was asking the senator so many annoying questions that police tasered him. ... Of course, people in Washington were stunned by this. What? John Kerry's still giving speeches?" --Jay Leno

"While the cops had him down, did you hear what he yelled to the police? He was yelling ... 'Don't tase me bro.' You know something, any time a white guy says the word 'bro,' he deserves to get tasered." --Jay Leno

"O.J. Simpson was released on bail today. ... O.J. was charged with two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon, of course, was O.J." --Jay Leno

"When the cops arrested O.J., they found him at the blackjack table trying to play the race card." --Jay Leno

"Tourists are flocking to Minneapolis to the bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested. It's like a tourist attraction. People are actually going to the airport now to see it. In fact, today Senator Craig called it 'The Happiest Place On Earth.' They have a sign at the door: 'Your stance must be this wide to get in.'" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton was in town last night. He was giving a speech at the home of a wealthy campaign contributor in Brentwood when the power went out. ... L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was there too. Embarrassing moment -- when the lights came back on ... both of them had their hand on the same woman's ass." --Jay Leno

"CNN's Lou Dobbs will be off the air for two weeks after a tonsillectomy. I thought this was kind of mean. While he is recovering, CNN replaced him with an illegal immigrant." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts, including kidnapping, robbery and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, 'Wow. Now I really have done it all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday during a speech, Jesse Jackson criticized Barack Obama, and said Obama's been acting like he's white. Obama said Jackson's comments were hurtful, and they completely ruined his night at the Jimmy Buffett concert." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a judge told Britney Spears she could lose custody of her children if she doesn't improve her behavior. Britney Spears was furious, and told the judge, 'I dare you to look me in the vagina and say that'" --Conan O'Brien

"Britney Spears has some hurdles ... of her own to clear. Yesterday, she was dropped by her manager, and dropped by her lawyer. She's been dropped now almost as much as her children" --Jimmy Kimmel

"O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in prison for all this. Isn't that something? You kill two people, you get nothing -- but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight we talk about the video we've all seen, the video of the University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, being tasered at a John Kerry speech. By the way, considered one of the most pleasant outcomes of attending a Kerry speech. Many people, from what I've seen, choose to be tasered. ... The entire situation was an unfortunate combination of police overreaction and what appears to be student douchebagery." --Jon Stewart

"13 years after originally attempting to radically overhaul our nation's health care system, Senator Clinton is back with a new plan, a plan being met with fresh derision [on screen: Newt Gingrich saying, 'Let's call this daughter of Hillary Care']. Wouldn't that be Chelsea Care?" --Jon Stewart

"CNN's graphics department put it even more succinctly: 'Why Is She Even Trying Again?' Hey CNN, just 'cause you stopped doesn't mean everyone else has to." --Jon Stewart

"Following a John Kerry speech this Monday at the University of Florida, a student asked too many questions, forcing security to provide him with the answers [on screen: video of the tasering]. ... Of course the mainstream media was horrified. ... Personally, I don't see what the big deal is about being tasered. It can't be worse than when I wash my hair and blow dry it at the same time." --Stephen Colbert

Sept. 18, 2007

"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now." --Jay Leno

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of John Kerry, a University of Florida student was tasered after asking John Kerry about the 2004 election. ... I believe this is the first time anyone's ever been electrified at a John Kerry speech." --Jay Leno

"You probably saw the footage on the news. In fact, John Kerry was so shocked when it happened, he almost showed a facial expression." --Jay Leno

"Actually, to his credit, John Kerry said he did not want the kid tasered. He figured if he would just keep talking for a few more minutes, the student would have nodded off on his own." --Jay Leno

"In a new book, former Mexican President Vicente Fox says George W. Bush's Spanish is at best grade school level. Unfortunately, so is his History, Math, Science." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has tapped retired federal judge Michael Mukasey ... to replace Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Conservatives in Washington say Mukasey is a real 'law and order' guy. To which Bush said, 'He was on that TV show, too?'" --Jay Leno

"The airport bathroom in Minneapolis where ... Senator Larry Craig was arrested has become a tourist attraction. ... Isn't that unbelievable? See, when I travel, I like to go to the men's rooms that the locals use, not some tourist trap" --Jay Leno

"One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won't press charges. In exchange, O.J. has promised not to double murder the man." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said being tasered in the chest was still better than sitting through an entire Kerry speech." --Conan O'Brien

"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys ... to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal-a your own memorabilia.' ... So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mexican President Vicente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says ... George Bush is the cockiest guy he's ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept demanding to meet the Taco Bell chihuahua. ... Fox also says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks grade school English too." --Jimmy Kimmel

"If the world's off track, O.J. must come back. ... But is it too late? Would a media so focused on elevating national discourse in this election cycle even notice? [on screen: multiple news reports that 'whatever happens in Vegas doesn't necessarily stay in Vegas']. You did it, O.J. You're a uniter. By the way, Las Vegas is now changing its slogan to 'Las Vegas: No One Leaves This Room Motherf-----.'" --Jon Stewart

"In other news, Friday marked Alberto Gonzales' last day as attorney general. ... On his last day, Gonzales received a full-scale send-off from whatever souls happened to survive his stewardship at the Justice Department [on screen: Acting dir. Michael Sullivan saying, 'When you think of the attorney general, three words come to mind']. Three words come to mind ... I know! [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I don't recall']. I don't recall. No, that's not it. But it will come to me, Alberto. Oh, it's coming to me. Three words [on screen: Sullivan saying, 'Discipline, duty and honor']. No, that's not it. I guess I don't recall." --Jon Stewart

"But there were other tributes to the attorney general that could also be seen as humorously leading [on screen: DEA admin. Karen Tandy saying, 'History will capture all of the extraordinary records that you set in the area of drugs']. Indeed, one of those records Gonzales has now done to promote more short-term memory loss than any other Hispanic American, breaking the old mark held by Cheech. ... It was time for Gonzales' own words, his farewell address. Now obviously, if I may, I'd like to add a personal sentiment here. We've used the attorney general's lack of candor, his use of the phrase 'I don't recall' to reduce him to an amnesiac character. But as you go, Alberto, can you, for me, make one more jaw-droppingly ironic reference to it ... for me? [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I stand before you today sincerely grateful for the many wonderful memories I have as attorney general']. You don't remember any of it!" --Jon Stewart

"At the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying the Republican Party is 'dying at the box office.' And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made 'Jingle All The Way.'" --Stephen Colbert

[RedGlitter]

There are some serious winners in there.

[gmc]

Political jokes


Sadly we keep re-electing ours.

Scottish Man At First Baseball Game

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

[el guapo]

bush

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