Its so easy to offer advice....or............

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:17 am

life has a way of ALWAYS biting you in the ass. Oh I jumped right in there yesterday, offering my wisdom and outlooks on lifes trials and tribulations to our Wendy. I was feeling pretty confident and secure. Despite all of my lifes stresses Ive been very happy because MY son who uses drugs has been clean for a while. Nothing could make me happier that that. Hes been staying in my spare room for almost 2 years now. Begged me to help him get straightened out when I came back from Georgia to Virginia. Its been pretty awful, for the most part. Keeps me down financially... hes a major slob ( so more work) my family hates me for being an enabler, and of course the usual...... constantly monitoring him for signs of drug use. As Im sure you all know these people can be very verbally abusive, erratic, and generally impossible to deal with. As a mom I felt I had to hang in there, to the end, and give it my all. What more worthwhile project could there be? Ironically, I got up from writing here to Wendy... went in his room, and caught him getting ready to use a needle. ( Dont get shocked... It really doesnt shock me the way it did the first couple of times) Just breaks me heart, in a million pieces and actually makes me feel physically ill. Some of you know, I have put him out before... caved in, and let him return. I put him out yesterday morning. Its over. The realization finally sunk in that I am actually providing the means for him to continue to do this. I am very calm. Not looking for sympathy. The crazy thing I want to say, and there is no cure for this... is this. And maybe this is why I need psychological help...........

I do not want to live with him. I want my life free of everything that goes along with what he does.... I do not want to be verbally abused. And yet, I spend 24 hours with him gone..... AND I MISS HIM. The nice him. The him when he is the sweet sweet boy that I knew who comes up behind you like a cat. Now and then, quite unexpectedly, and gives me a hug. The boy who used to take me by the hand, and bring me to hydrangea bushes, in our neighborhood... so I could cut the dried blooms. The boy who is such an incredible artist, that you just would not believe it. And the way he laughs at me, when he comes in and I am playing some corn ball music......

Im really not going to let him come back this tme. It is his only chance.

Oh please God... let him be safe.

Remember the thread I started a while back entitled " I gave up God today?'

HA!!!!!!!!

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:49 am

Weeder--As bad as it hurts you, you know in your heart that you did the right thing for both of you. :-4

Jimbo--They may say they hate you now, but I bet 10 years from now they'll both be thanking you.

I always thought as our kids get older, it'd get easier. That's what I get for thinking.

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:51 am

Weeder, Jimbo - Having not reached those 'teenage' years yet with my two, I can only try to understand. I can see how easily our children would take advantage of us. And how our love for them will keep us, providing for them and sheltering them. I think I can also understand, that wanting to give up stage, and then the sadness of having to let them go. So, I'm not much good here, other than to say, good luck, you both sound like wonderful parents. :-4

PS.... And when you work out how to deal with these moments, let me know ...... I have this whole 'teenager' thing to look forward.

Good luck :-4

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:51 am

My life is yours.... my good man. But when do we look at the way we are living and say enough is enough? Hate to discuss the food thing because of course I would go hungry to feed my kids but...... its the selfishness that gets me. Ill load the refrigerator.... go to get a drip of some kind of liquid, and there isnt a drop. Cranberry juice, orange juice, tea etc......

Honestly? after a lifetime of putting my boys first, and loving them with my whole heart... I know that if I was sick, or on the street... neither one of them would help me.

You mean to tell me that after all the suffering you did over your daughter, she wants to go back tho the US? You have got to be kidding me!! And how in Gods name can you afford to keep those kids in cigarettes????

Youd better reasses your situation... like me.

Actually, you just gave me more fortication to keep my son out of here.

Its like someone else putting your own life up in front of you, for you to see it more clearly.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:09 am

Oh and by the way........ my BOY????? will be 23 on November 2nd.

He has a son of his own.... my grandson, who is 3.

So..... this is a MAN ( or supposed to be) not mammas little boy.

Heres the equation..... My son lives with me... like jimbo.. rent free.

Rent, food utilities, internet, phone and CELL PHONE.

He is supposed to pay child support, which he barely manages to do.

I ask you..... Who is really paying the child support??

This situation for a woman who raised her two sons without receinving a dime of child support.

Not Good.... Not Good... Not Good.

I feel so much better.

Here to make you laugh.... Older son.. totally different scenario.

27... put himself through school.. married... owns a home... great job...

also very talented. Computer wizard. carpenter. writer......

Hes been seeing a therapist. Seems he hates me. Wont say exactly why..

For marrying his dad, divorcing his dad, working when they were small, coming to Virginia... who knows?

He tells the therapist the other night.. that he was abused when he was young. Seems I hit him in the car one night with a CHICKEN ROLL!!!!!

YES INDEED... I certainly did hit him with a chicken roll. I probably had worked 14 hours that day.. picked them up from school... stopped to get food... to go home to do home work.. you know the routine...

They probably were fighting in the car. Or one probably called the other a

*********g B****rd or something. Or maybe they were ripping up the seats in the car.. who knows? But yeah, I lost it and slapped him with a chicken roll.

I actually think its pretty funny. If he was here right now, and I had a chicken roll.... Id hit him with it!!!

He told the therapist that being raised by me was like being raised by Dennis Leary. I think that would be a great upbringing. It certainly wasnt boring.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:10 am

Wow you two, hugs to you both, hope you can sort things out.

We can all sit in judgement of others raising teenagers/young adults, I'm not there yet but do have some friends that are also struggling. Seems to me that there's no one way works for them all. I wouldn't know where to start and will be taking notes for future reference!

Stay strong Weeder!:-4

So did your daughter take you up on the offer of the ticket back Jimbo?

If it was just your son living in the flat you could just become the heavy landlord and evict him for non payment of rent.

How do you make them step outside of their little boxes and take responsibility for life in the 'real world'

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:16 am

I guess you have to PUSH them out. And you have to accept that loving them is no guarantee that they will love or respect you. The thing that hurts the most is that one of my parenting priorities ws to teach them to love themselves...and in the case of the younger one... Im destroyed that he doesnt love life. Despite struggling and heart ache, sometimes almost poverty, and fear.... I was always laughing, and always optomistic, and no matter what it took... I kept them safe, and well, and clothed and fed.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:31 am

Wow Weeder and Jimbo, I'm reading all this with tear filled eyes, can completely relate to every single word.

Weeder, If I saw my son with a needle held up to his arm, you'd have to commit me into an institution! I don't blame you and am with you 100% on your decision and how you feel.

I didn't get to comment on something you said the other day, and of course I'm kinda pressed for time right now, but the part that you were describing the "single mom" on TV, how they are dressed in black and ready for Mr. Wonderful, etc. .....bunch of BULL!! I don't even own a black dress!!

I understand the giving to the kids all your life, going hungry if you have to. My one hope is one day they will understand.....

Weeder and Jimbo, I am here for you and love both of ya bunches!:-4

Lady G · Post by **Lady G** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:43 am

OMG we all seem to be experiencing very similar issues within our different lives.

My middle sister is an ex user, the real hard stuff. I have ALWAYS been there for her and her children, you know the routine, call at 4am, sister and her kids huddled in a phonebox, police been called on violent addicted partner, sister with broken eye socket, bust lip, cracked skull etc. It went on and on for years and years and years till one day when she was living with me coz she lostit all AGAIN, I threw her out. Yup, I turned my back on her and told her "BYE".

She sorted herself out, cleaned up, got all her kids back, moved back to London and has been struggling to survive ever since. She lapses every now and then and she hates herself for it, but when she does lapse I am the one who gets abused by her, about everything and anything, so she can deflect away from the **** she is doing. So I say "BYE" again and she pulls her socks up faster then she did before. These lapses are getting fewer and fewer and last a lot less timethen before and I have realised that for her (not everyone) being cruel to be kind is the only way. The above is less then the tip of the iceberg, and I love my sister, however all those years that I supported her in everyway possible, I was enabling her, giving her a green light. She knew that G would save the day no matter what she did, until the day I said "NO MORE".

Teenagers will always say they hate you, they want limits, they want freedom they want this but not that, the other but not whatever and we as parents try and do it all the way they say they want it andthen throw it in our faces coz it wasnt right. AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Remember, we do the best we can with what we have.

The thing I hated about couselling was the insane need to bring up your childhood and blame the whole lot on your parents. That to me is a BAD counsellor, a destructive one and these ppl should be struck off. it is not about laying the blame on anyone but about accepting what happened and dealing with it, not channeling all negative issues onto someone/something else as it ten doesnt allow one to move forward but keep you back under a different disguise.

Am I rambling or does anyone understand?

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:24 am

I definately understand. Want to go the whole nine yards????

My middle sister started using drugs in the 70s. Heroine mostly. She died 15 years ago, at 38 years old from HIV. We all watched her die. My boys saw her become a living skeleton. They knew why she was dying. I thought I had it in the bag. That there was NO WAY my kids would ever touch drugs. One did... One didnt. For me, Ill tell you why I have continued to handle it. Because deep inside... I feel the reason he is doing this.. is because of something I have done. Some wrong choice I made. Some wrong decision I made. Something I did that made him want to do this to himself. The guilt is unbearable. Constantly fighting to tell yourself. I didnt do anything wrong.

And you stand there like an idiot saying " I love you, why are you doing this?

Love doesnt have a damn thing to do with it.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:28 am

Lady G;703895 wrote: OMG we all seem to be experiencing very similar issues within our different lives.

My middle sister is an ex user, the real hard stuff. I have ALWAYS been there for her and her children, you know the routine, call at 4am, sister and her kids huddled in a phonebox, police been called on violent addicted partner, sister with broken eye socket, bust lip, cracked skull etc. It went on and on for years and years and years till one day when she was living with me coz she lostit all AGAIN, I threw her out. Yup, I turned my back on her and told her "BYE".

She sorted herself out, cleaned up, got all her kids back, moved back to London and has been struggling to survive ever since. She lapses every now and then and she hates herself for it, but when she does lapse I am the one who gets abused by her, about everything and anything, so she can deflect away from the **** she is doing. So I say "BYE" again and she pulls her socks up faster then she did before. These lapses are getting fewer and fewer and last a lot less timethen before and I have realised that for her (not everyone) being cruel to be kind is the only way. The above is less then the tip of the iceberg, and I love my sister, however all those years that I supported her in everyway possible, I was enabling her, giving her a green light. She knew that G would save the day no matter what she did, until the day I said "NO MORE".

Teenagers will always say they hate you, they want limits, they want freedom they want this but not that, the other but not whatever and we as parents try and do it all the way they say they want it andthen throw it in our faces coz it wasnt right. AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Remember, we do the best we can with what we have.

The thing I hated about couselling was the insane need to bring up your childhood and blame the whole lot on your parents. That to me is a BAD counsellor, a destructive one and these ppl should be struck off. it is not about laying the blame on anyone but about accepting what happened and dealing with it, not channeling all negative issues onto someone/something else as it ten doesnt allow one to move forward but keep you back under a different disguise.

Am I rambling or does anyone understand?

Not rambling, a lot of therapy always takes you back to the 'inner child', the reason for this is because the first time you would ever have encountered feelings was as a child. And thats the important bit, it all comes down to the childhood perception of what happened and how it made you feel and how you responded to those feelings. You continue to live your adult life reacting to the same triggers in basicaly the same way. A counsellor should never imply that oh well its your mum/dad's fault. They should be looking at your perception and then asking you to try and see it from the other persons perspectives, ie your mum and dads perspectives. Then you need to start the process of forgiveness and letting go to move on.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:30 am

weeder;703903 wrote: I definately understand. Want to go the whole nine yards????

My middle sister started using drugs in the 70s. Heroine mostly. She died 15 years ago, at 38 years old from HIV. We all watched her die. My boys saw her become a living skeleton. They knew why she was dying. I thought I had it in the bag. That there was NO WAY my kids would ever touch drugs. One did... One didnt. For me, Ill tell you why I have continued to handle it. Because deep inside... I feel the reason he is doing this.. is because of something I have done. Some wrong choice I made. Some wrong decision I made. Something I did that made him want to do this to himself. The guilt is unbearable. Constantly fighting to tell yourself. I didnt do anything wrong.

And you stand there like an idiot saying " I love you, why are you doing this?

Love doesnt have a damn thing to do with it.

Let the guilt go Weeder, you didn't do anything wrong, you did the best you could at the time, it's his perception that needs to change and only he can do that.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:33 am

Have you thought of going to a support group such as NarcAnon for families of drug addicts? It may help to talk to people who have been there, done that, are there, and can offer support and advice.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:26 am

Lady G;703895 wrote: OMG we all seem to be experiencing very similar issues within our different lives.

My middle sister is an ex user, the real hard stuff. I have ALWAYS been there for her and her children, you know the routine, call at 4am, sister and her kids huddled in a phonebox, police been called on violent addicted partner, sister with broken eye socket, bust lip, cracked skull etc. It went on and on for years and years and years till one day when she was living with me coz she lostit all AGAIN, I threw her out. Yup, I turned my back on her and told her "BYE".

She sorted herself out, cleaned up, got all her kids back, moved back to London and has been struggling to survive ever since. She lapses every now and then and she hates herself for it, but when she does lapse I am the one who gets abused by her, about everything and anything, so she can deflect away from the **** she is doing. So I say "BYE" again and she pulls her socks up faster then she did before. These lapses are getting fewer and fewer and last a lot less timethen before and I have realised that for her (not everyone) being cruel to be kind is the only way. The above is less then the tip of the iceberg, and I love my sister, however all those years that I supported her in everyway possible, I was enabling her, giving her a green light. She knew that G would save the day no matter what she did, until the day I said "NO MORE".

Teenagers will always say they hate you, they want limits, they want freedom they want this but not that, the other but not whatever and we as parents try and do it all the way they say they want it andthen throw it in our faces coz it wasnt right. AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Remember, we do the best we can with what we have.

The thing I hated about couselling was the insane need to bring up your childhood and blame the whole lot on your parents. That to me is a BAD counsellor, a destructive one and these ppl should be struck off. it is not about laying the blame on anyone but about accepting what happened and dealing with it, not channeling all negative issues onto someone/something else as it ten doesnt allow one to move forward but keep you back under a different disguise.

Am I rambling or does anyone understand? I understand completely, even though I'm very fortunate to never had to deal with a user in my family, only drunks and control freaks...That was a very good post and I have a lot of respect for you!

weeder;703903 wrote: I definately understand. Want to go the whole nine yards????

My middle sister started using drugs in the 70s. Heroine mostly. She died 15 years ago, at 38 years old from HIV. We all watched her die. My boys saw her become a living skeleton. They knew why she was dying. I thought I had it in the bag. That there was NO WAY my kids would ever touch drugs. One did... One didnt. For me, Ill tell you why I have continued to handle it. Because deep inside... I feel the reason he is doing this.. is because of something I have done. Some wrong choice I made. Some wrong decision I made. Something I did that made him want to do this to himself. The guilt is unbearable. Constantly fighting to tell yourself. I didnt do anything wrong.

And you stand there like an idiot saying " I love you, why are you doing this?

Love doesnt have a damn thing to do with it.

Weeder, we know that love has everything to do with it....that is why its killing you inside. But Betty is right, you have done all you can, and you are entitled to be free of this guilt. I know its easier said than done, I can't begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing. I think as a Mom of a head-strong ADHD son, I have a little bit of an idea, but nothing compared to what you've already been through.

Peg's got a great idea..(as usual) I have a friend that I knew in middle school, and 20+ years later we were re-united, we stopped being friends in high school when she walked down the (school) hall with acid on her tongue and showed it to me, and then later begged me for food at lunch, because she spent all the money she had on drugs....this was back in the early 80's. Through the years, I've wondered how she was, if she ever got off the drugs, and we have been re-united....she is clean and free and absolutely beautiful (always was, inside and out, when she was drug-free of course). We had a great talk last summer when we finally met up, and she told me that she HAS to go to the NarcAnon meetings and she goes to church, she will fall back into it in a minute if she doesn't.

Hugs to Weeder!!:yh_hugs

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:16 am

Oh Bless each and every one of you who wrote into here.

Bottom line is you are all parents, your love for your child is unconditional, accept that and know that our children have all reached the ages of choice's, they have chosen to do what they do and we no longer can control them... I don't think control is the word I want here. But we can no longer make them do what we think is right. That is when we realize it's time for them to leave the nest and fly it alone good or bad, they are adults now.

I too have been blessed with a defiant teen fortunately not a user, but at 17 I sent her on her merry way telling her I loved her but that she could never come back to live with me again. Prolly more painful than loosing everything in my divorce, more painful than childbirth, more painful than the death of my FIL. But it was time to let her go.

Result....

Her choices are her choices, she has learned a lot about life and hey she actually is making some good choices.

Hugs and beam to you Weeder, Jimbo, WW3 and everybody else.

Life wasn't ever meant to be easy was it.

Lady G · Post by **Lady G** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:20 am

I would like to tell you Weeder that it is not your fault that your boy has an addictive personality.

Look, we are 3 sisters, all brought up the same (to a degree) All behaved differently, all coped with lifes BS differently.

After years of crap with my middle sis and years of therapy, counselling, AA meetings, and dozens of rehabs, support groups and so on so forth we came to the realisation that she is addicted to drugs because she has an addictive personality. Some ppl can do drugs and stop when they want to, just like that. Others cannot. She cannot. Your Boy Can Not. Well I dont mean never ever hun, so dont give up hope, but it is 10 x or 20/30 x's harder for them to. And they will find every reason to blame it on their upbringing, this man, that issue, the trip to XXX, the friend who came one day blah blah blah. And certain things will cause triggers that then trigger the need to use because they cannot cope with the thought they are having, or the issue they are dealing with and so on. What I am trying to say is DONT blame yourself girl, until he gets the real help he needs (by himself coz HE WANTS to STAY clean) he will not be able to pinpoint when this all started and why and I can bet your bottom dollar it has jack **** to do with you or what you did or said etc.

My sister blames my mum for all her shortcommings, and yes due to my mums neglectful eye my sis went through stuff she should never have experienced ever in a humans life let alone at a young age, BUT and its a big BUT she is old enough and ugly enough NOW to move on from that and take control and stock of her life and STOP blaming everyone for what happened back then. BTW she has done the right thing now.

Now it all happened to all 3 of us, in varying levels and yes my middle sis got the worst of it by far, but my elder sis and I have never turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with it, we just deal with it. We all have done our fair share of drugs and it is only my middle sis who got addicted. She has an addictive personality.

She knows it is down to her and her alone to take control of how she lives her life now, my mum cannot do or say anything anymore to make that better as what has happened happened and no amount of sorrys can fix that anymore as it doesnt change it.

Anyway, to everyone with children who are driving you nuts, or family who are on drugs, or going down the wrong road etc, all you can do is be there for them as and when they need you, in whatever capacity you can give. You all have your lives to deal with, your families to deal with and God knows so much "stuff" to deal with, so stop blaming yourselves for others issues.

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 8:24 am

Hi Laura,

I am so verry sorry that your Son has gone back to the drugs, it is so very hard being a parent, he is very lucky to have a parent like you, many would have given up years ago.

Sending you :-4

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:06 pm

Remember when you are talking to a person on drugs, you are talking to the drugs............not the person. Somethings you cannot on your own, You need supprt from others. See whats available in your area....perhaps you need something drastic like an intervention.

My heart goes out to you as parents. I have been aware that my younger son has "used". He is 19 now and lives far from me near his dad. Now he lives on his own with his girlfriend, is working and has an apartment. I pray everyday.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:02 pm

jimbo;704059 wrote: i think it was an empty threat thing ,if she does not get everything her way all the time she is the worlds biggest brat , my son tends to think if dad is buying her all her food,drink ,cigs etc why not me

i really cant win

as for her going back to the usa not a chance her mom does not want her there

Hey Jimbo..... I have an idea.. you have a go with mine, and Ill have a go with yours. We each buy a ticket and Viola!!!! They have a new jailmaster to hate.

Lady G..... Your story is my story... growing up years. It was my middle sister too. And she had no reason.. Good family. Mom and dad who took care of us. No abuse alcohol etc,,,,,

Well, at least God is giving me a small break. He came here to get some stuff today. He is moved in with his girlfriend. So I do not have to go to bed thinking he is on the street. But I know this... when she has had enough, he is not coming back here. It is over.

Mel... remember when I put him out the last time? It was right before we went to England. That is a year and a half ago. More time out of his life, and more time out of mine. I always think of you, by the way, and the strength and courage you had, when you told your daughter to go on her own.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:26 pm

weeder;704226 wrote: Hey Jimbo..... I have an idea.. you have a go with mine, and Ill have a go with yours. We each buy a ticket and Viola!!!! They have a new jailmaster to hate.

Lady G..... Your story is my story... growing up years. It was my middle sister too. And she had no reason.. Good family. Mom and dad who took care of us. No abuse alcohol etc,,,,,

Well, at least God is giving me a small break. He came here to get some stuff today. He is moved in with his girlfriend. So I do not have to go to bed thinking he is on the street. But I know this... when she has had enough, he is not coming back here. It is over.

Mel... remember when I put him out the last time? It was right before we went to England. That is a year and a half ago. More time out of his life, and more time out of mine. I always think of you, by the way, and the strength and courage you had, when you told your daughter to go on her own.

:-4 bless Laura

and thank you. Yes I remember the last time you put him out, I guess as birds do we just have to let em fly.

Ya know it burned in my belly to kick that girl out, but you know something... she comes to me in a much nicer way now and I love her dearly for what she has become, she is still as immature as all heck but at least she has the ability to think standing on 2 feet, arms at her side and mouth flapping a little less. It ain't easy on her hehehehe but she knows she has to sink or swim.

I love her no less.

Aw yes our trip wow eh, doesn't that seem a life time ago... sigh.... I tell everybody I meet about that great adventure

Hugs Laura, we are strong women. We will survive.

Me

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:05 pm

Weeder & Jimbo, bless you both for being outstanding parents your kids are lucky to have such caring mom and dad.

I have been there done that one with the child with problems situation. All I can say is there is no easy answer or correct way to handle any of these situations.

I basically operated from my GUT when making decisions about my daughter. I had a tough road with her from the age of 15 to 30, yes I said 30 that's how long it took. Some years were better than other, and some were just plain awful. I felt like I was always waiting for the other shoe to fall and something awful was just around the corner. She lived with me, she didn't live with, she lived with me, she didn't live with me. It just went on for years and years.

Finally when my Granddaughter was born I said thats it you have a child now grow up. I made her come live with me and go by my rules. I gave them love, care, food, roof over their heads and guideance even if she hated me at times. I thought I was going to go insane or drive off a cliff some days. It took 6 of the longest years of my life to get her going in the right direction. She is now married to a childhood sweetheart and he is the best Dad for my granddaughter could have. It does at some point go one way or the other, they either come around or they don't.

So both of you stop beating yourself up over this. Each child is different girls are different than boys. It always a work in progress day in and day out.

One thing I did learn along the way is say what you mean and don't back down or give in if at all possible. You have a right to be treated with respect and that means they should behave as adults as well in your homes.

Hugs to you both..:yh_hugs:yh_hugs

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:23 pm

So nice of you to contribute to this thread Carla. Good to "See" you.

Your story does give me hope. The drug use does keep these young people immature as it halts their developemnt from the age they start using. So, the parent really is expecting behavior that isnt possible. It is difficult to have patience with a 23 year old who is behaving like a 14 year old. I recently made a new female friend. I am always forced to have to admit to havivg problems with my son, as his living with me has made it often difficult for me to have guests unexpectedly. But anyway.. nowdays 90% of the time when you admit what is going on... the other person will say " Me too"

When her son ( who was using drugs) was 23.... she took him to the bus stop.. gave him 50.00 and said thats it. Sink or swim. He swam. Hes 45 married, owns a painting business, is a dad, and is doing well. I have always and still do listen carefully to all of the stories shared with me. And the information often contributed to decisions I make. I think it is so wonderful that we all can comfort, support and help each other here, by sharing. It is a very good thing.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:32 pm

magenta flame;704214 wrote: Weeder I'm a bit different in the 'tough love' stakes. I could never no matter what put one of my own or anyone elses on the streets. why? Cause I remember what it feels like. But I'll have people know that when my nieces or nephews play up they are threatened with "THE DREADED AUNTIE MEGAN".

Yep, I'm the families outreach service. I have had one girlfriends child and a nephew living here already in the past few years and they know I don't take ****.

and I've heard all the sob stories before, I was the master of ceromonies in sob stories. They also know I'm their last chance before their parents put them on the streets.

the rules are put in place the second they walk through the door. for instance if you eat a man sized meal then you pay a mansized board . It's a flat rate of a third of your pay no matter what you're earning. And I'll find you the job. If not, there's plenty to do around here. They are told no drugs on the property, and no one around here is dumb enough to supply you with any either. So that means hitchhiking 25 km one way or 50 km the other to the nearest towns. GOOD LUCK.

Oh and don't think we'll protect you from the police. If you impact on my household i'll help them put the cuffs on you.

I don't make up stories for these kids I tell them the plain honest truth of what they will be looking forward to if they choose the streets.

So I guess if your kid plays up threaten to drown them in "THE DAM" i'm sure some of you have a dreaded auntie megan out there somewhere:wah:

Jimbo this may sound harsh but it works! Put all your sons pocessions out on the front lawn (on a pay day) and demand board. Tell him you'll even help him get the stuff back into his room once you have it. and if he refuses to give it to you the next pay put all his stuff outside again. Yes it's a pain in the arse but he'll get the message. what's his other choices? Leave home and go pay rent somewhere else? ha it won't happen, he'll wait for you to give up first . Don't do it!

There is nothing wrong with teaching your children to have respect. In reality they are choosing how you go about it. Show your son what you're capable of. In the end it's his choice. It's your house, not his !!!!!!

Or you can continue to whinge and whine about it.

Your daughter I can't comment on. But get a bloody boot up that son of yours he's way too old not to have respect for what he has.

Where ever you are... I wish I could send my son to you. I wish I could have enforced all of the things you outlined. No matter what rules I tried to enforce, he broke them. Demanding board? No go. Keep drugs out of my home.... no good. Speak respectfully to me? Forget it. Well, its over now. And hopefully you saw where I posted that he is staying with his girlfriend. So, I am spared the agony of wondering if he is ok. Actually, a reality of what is going on here also is the fact that I just cant swing it anymore financially. I have been doing it on my own since he was 5. Thats 18 years.

At 55 the working two jobs.. or 60 hour work weeks gets a bit old. Especially when you are continuing to do it for a young adult who will do nothing for themselves or anyone else. Hopefully this will be a turning point.

KB. · Post by **KB.** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:53 pm

Jimbo, Weeder, I love the both of you. I most certainly do. Think it is funny for me to say that having never met either of you? Well, I'm like that sometimes. People like you make the world a better place, each and every day.

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 8:26 pm

While reading ya'lls stories, I think those of us here with young kids cringe at what's to come. But then again we'll know we aren't alone in what ever difficult times are to come. Ya'll have my deepest respect!

Lady G · Post by **Lady G** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 1:29 am

jimbo;704428 wrote: ok buddy ,love me love my kids where do you live i can drop them off for five years :wah:

thanks to every one for your kind words ,it helps just knowing that i'm not the only person going through this ..... and if your kids are behaving badly also ... there is a small chance my kids are not under demonic possesion

hehehe I always refer to my kids as the devils spawn, only this morning they seemed to have the furniture fying around the front room and chasing me down, it was terrifying....................Well actually my temper is what is terrifying but not to them, to me only.........................Oh God, when will it end............LOL:-5

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 3:11 am

KB.;704374 wrote: Jimbo, Weeder, I love the both of you. I most certainly do. Think it is funny for me to say that having never met either of you? Well, I'm like that sometimes. People like you make the world a better place, each and every day.

Wee then.... if you REALLY love us... dont now dissapear.

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 7:21 am

Wow some really good posts in here:

I think as parents we (and our kids) have to realise that we are entitled to a life, once they reach a certain age. most kds will keep on taking as long as you keep on giving, and then if you stop or life becomes just a tad inconvenient for them, they *hate*you. I have had isues with my son over the past couple of years, who is 24 now going on 12, and they are still ongoing to a certain extent. He has lived away from home since he was 19 and joined the RAF, but he wil be out shortly and coming home. He thinks he is going to be in for an easy ride im sure, but i can guarantee he will be looking for his own place sooner than he thinks:wah: I do love him of course, but he lives in lala land most of the time:rolleyes: I have thought in the past, how have i brought up a person to be like this? (arrogant/selfish/stupid/disrespectful) but then i have a daughter who is the most loving caring giving person, who has qualifcations in Business admin and chldcare, lives with her partner and has a mortgage and a car. She has just turned 21. So i have to agree with some of the posters in here, we do the very best we can, but sometimes that person just has certain tendancies within them, or due to a lot of other factors, people they choose to make friends with etc. But what it comes down to once they reach adulthood, or late teens i suppose is, they make their own choices and their own mistakes.

To be honest, thinking about it, my son changed quite a lot since joining the forces, although it could coincide with his age at that time, maybe he would still have changed as he got older:-3

I wish i could box up a huge pack of strength for all of you going through such bad times with your children, some of the posts on here have been seriously heartbreaking to read:-4

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 7:26 am

Sheryl;704387 wrote: While reading ya'lls stories, I think those of us here with young kids cringe at what's to come. But then again we'll know we aren't alone in what ever difficult times are to come. Ya'll have my deepest respect!

no no don't cringe Shery, each kid comes with it's own set of circumstances and each parent has their own way of dealing with their children. We may not all be the norm you know.

You just raise those kids the best you can, lots of love lots of hugs, and hope you are doing right by them.

All kids to reach the age where they become masters of their own destinies and at that time us parents have to step aside....comes in all shapes and forms.

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:01 am

I didn't meant to offend anyone with the cringe comment. I just meant it in that when they are young and "easier" to handle, we think ok this easy.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:08 am

Sheryl;704709 wrote: I didn't meant to offend anyone with the cringe comment. I just meant it in that when they are young and "easier" to handle, we think ok this easy.

prepare for change dear girl

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:11 am

I have a feeling when the diva starts school, my peace will end. :-5

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:12 am

Sheryl;704715 wrote: I have a feeling when the diva starts school, my peace will end. :-5

then comes.... um real boys ahahahahaha

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 1:12 pm

Sheryl, Some of this stuff ( like the drug use, or depression) are inherited traits. It skipped son #1, but it hit son #2. When my boys were small I had a wonderful pedeitrician. He was in the delivery room when they were born, and saw them for their developmental check ups for years. It was the old time kind of medicine. Treatment with a history. He knew them, and he knew me, very well. After one exam with my older son, he asked to see me alone. John was probably about 10 or 11. He said, " I am very concerned about John. He is an unhappy boy. Or rather it isnt so much that hes unhappy than just not happy. What did I do wrong? was my immediate reaction. Or, what am I doing wrong. He said" I know that you are a good mom. Its not what your doing or not doing. Sometimes its just personality, and you cant beat it. Little did I know then what was coming with the younger one. Who always rung his hands together like a wizened little old man. Whose brow was knit together in a frown with consternation usually. Who held back bowel movements until they were the size of bowling balls, that had no way to get out of his little bottom. Stomach aches for now reason many days in a row. And migranes during puberty. I checked out every problem Ive mentioned. You have to be a flamin psychiatrist to make it through with some kids. And you never know whats cooking in their little heads. But you can get a kid that just is cheerful as can be. Wouldnt dream of touching drugs. Is mature, responsibe, caring, and relatively problem free. Do your best, watch for trouble, pray, and get help when you need it. I guess thats all any parent can do.