I wasted all my good years with him

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 8:54 pm

I have heard this time and time again from women and always thought it was utter bullcrap. The only good years are ones you make with our spouse. My husband told me that tonight........He wasted all his good years with his ex of 25 years.

You want to talk about HURT! I thought I was getting all his mature satisfying years. Now I'm just getting his left over hurt years.

I never thought this way before. I aways assumed every relationship was anew on its own. Creating its own love path.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 8:57 pm

Nalley

Was you husband referring to age as good years?

Patsy

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 9:00 pm

Patsy Warnick;738524 wrote: Nalley

Was you husband referring to age as good years?

Patsy

Absolutely NOT!!!! That is what is so hurtful.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 9:06 pm

Nalley

we're not getting the whole picture - so all we can do - assume details

and speculate.

Obviously your husband is going thru alot of something - depression.?

Holidays bring the best out of people

Patsy

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 9:12 pm

nvalleyvee;738522 wrote: I have heard this time and time again from women and always thought it was utter bullcrap. The only good years are ones you make with our spouse. My husband told me that tonight........He wasted all his good years with his ex of 25 years.

You want to talk about HURT! I thought I was getting all his mature satisfying years. Now I'm just getting his left over hurt years.

I never thought this way before. I aways assumed every relationship was anew on its own. Creating its own love path.

Do you think he meant..." I gave her the best years of my life? " Which is a commonly used phrase meaning... he wasted them with someone else, and wishes he had spent them with you.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 9:12 pm

Bingo Patsy. He went off his anti depressants cold turkey...:-1

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 9:13 pm

weeder;738539 wrote: Do you think he meant..." I gave her the best years of my life? " Which is a commonly used phrase meaning... he wasted them with someone else, and wishes he had spent them with you.

Not even close to what he meant. How sad.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 10:29 pm

Nalley

If went off his medication completely - than hes going to say all kinds of hurtful remarks. He'll be down about everything - negative

This is his out of sorts mentality - not you - its not you - call his DR in the A.M..

Tell him to take a pill and go to bed.

Patsy

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 10:33 pm

weeder;738539 wrote: Do you think he meant..." I gave her the best years of my life? " Which is a commonly used phrase meaning... he wasted them with someone else, and wishes he had spent them with you.

I agree with the above quote. When your younger you have heaps of energy and feel you can conquer the world and you want to do this with the person you love, well now he has you and I bet he is thinking he wishes it was you he was with in his younger days. When you are older things are different but that dosent mean you are getting the left overs, it might mean you jsut cant do what you could of when you were younger....if you know what I mean.

I feel the same, that I wasted the best years with my ex but now I am with my 2nd husband and loving the twilight years....and these are your best years.

Remember men arent real good with words sometimes, and it may of came out the wrong way.

JacksDad · Post by **JacksDad** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 10:42 pm

nvalleyvee;738542 wrote: Bingo Patsy. He went off his anti depressants cold turkey...:-1

I had a 'friend' who went off his anti-depressants cold turkey.

I miss him.

Hang in there Vee.

You fell in Love before he started taking them.

:-6

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:11 pm

nvalleyvee;738545 wrote: Not even close to what he meant. How sad.

Didn't think about that because........... You are probably right.

Geeez I don't know. It has just felt really sad and bad.

When someone says that to you ....it hurts.

I always thought it a way of still loving the ex and a denegration to me.

watermark · Post by **watermark** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:12 pm

Hi NMex friend,

My exspouse has told me this, that he wasted the best years of his life with me after I decided to leave him. I'm not so sure your husband going off antidepressants caused his negativity. My ex wasn't on anything for his depression, yet he has said the same words to me several times.

Maybe your husband is bitter, he needs some understanding (maybe not from you but an objective third party) to understand his feelings and get past this relationship that ended without his initiation. For myself I believe it has been harder on my ex because I was the one to call it quits on us and so this may be a reason he is so bitter about it. Heck I'm bitter myself when I think about all the years I wasted in a relationship that obviously seemed to offer me no hope of endurance. I value relationship that endures and when it doesn't happen then yuck nothing is right after that. If I put a lot of energy into a relationship that doesn't pan out then what? Is this a significant loss of my time, my best years or months or days? You know, it could be.

Kayleneaussie had some good advice imo.

Hope you are ok.

Erin

ps, did you get some snow today?

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:16 pm

Thanks and it is snowing today.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:21 pm

Patsy Warnick;738534 wrote: Nalley

we're not getting the whole picture - so all we can do - assume details

and speculate.

Obviously your husband is going thru alot of something - depression.?

Holidays bring the best out of people

Patsy

He just went off his meds - wellbutrin cold turkey.

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:58 am

Depression makes you say stupid and selfish things without thinking a damn about the hurt it will cause. I've done it when I was depressed and my husband did it yesterday, not quite as hurtful as yours but still like a knife to the heart.

Hopefully when he improves he will realise just how horrible what he said is and maybe he will be able to reassure you that it was the depression talking and not the real him.

Until then keep talking to us, we'll listen. And kick something, not a pet or a child but a pillow might do!:-4

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 4:14 am

Sounds more like he means he regrets not having had more time with you- the youthful years when you could have grown together and only truly appreciate when they are gone and that he feels were wasted on someone else rather than the one he should have been with.

Speaking as a male I get fed up with women that take the most innocuous comment as being a personal slight and put the most ridiculous interpretations on it or go off the deep end leaving you wondering what happened and what you did wrong. -usually at certain times of the month. It's not males that get emotional on a regular basis.

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 5:35 am

I think that you may be blowing this a bit out of proportion. You shouldn’t be so sensitive. Based on responses so far, no here can even fully determine what he meant. Why don’t you try asking him instead of making the issue bigger that I think that it may be.

lemon_and_mint · Post by **lemon_and_mint** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 5:51 am

I think he was trying, albeit a bit awkwardly - to compliment you.

I think he meant as others have pointed out, that he wished he had met you when he was young, when you could have taken the important decisions together (i'm supposing that most of the major life changing stuff he already did before he met you - and you could have done all that together and supported each other through it).

I take it that the best years refers to being young and enegergentic and impulsive, and that now you have an older less energentic, less impulsive boyfriend/husband.

In actual fact he is putting himself down, not you.

grh · Post by **grh** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:17 am

mikeinie;738653 wrote: I think that you may be blowing this a bit out of proportion. You shouldn’t be so sensitive. Based on responses so far, no here can even fully determine what he meant. Why don’t you try asking him instead of making the issue bigger that I think that it may be.

This gets my vote.

koan · Post by **koan** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:31 am

I think it's important that couples feel they can say what is on their mind. If you react by only focusing on how it hurts you then what can be resolved? I'd try to focus on the fact that he feels or felt that way and ask him for suggestions on how you can create a happier future.

If that's the way he feels, be thankful that he said it instead of just feeling that way and sulking without communicating. It gives you a chance to fix what, otherwise, you might not have realised was wrong.

OTOH, having been married to someone with clinical depression, sometimes you just have to tell them that when they're ready to rejoin the world they are welcome back. If it's a temporary thing then keep in mind that what feels hopeless to them one day will slowly return to normal again. It's not you it's the illness.

twizzel · Post by **twizzel** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:11 am

nvalleyvee;738522 wrote: I have heard this time and time again from women and always thought it was utter bullcrap. The only good years are ones you make with our spouse. My husband told me that tonight........He wasted all his good years with his ex of 25 years.

You want to talk about HURT! I thought I was getting all his mature satisfying years. Now I'm just getting his left over hurt years.

I never thought this way before. I aways assumed every relationship was anew on its own. Creating its own love path.

Your spouse does not realize that you are differant to his first wife and that he should appreciate the change. We all of us have something unique to us which brings joy to others. Or maybe he had just been on the juice and put his foot in it. Beat him roundly and foget his silliness.

you could always try tapping his mouth shut.

Indian Princess · Post by **Indian Princess** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:16 pm

Sweetie, I work pharmacy, and my ex is bi-polar, uh,hum, bad news, I look at each day as an adventure, think of the possibilities!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 8:18 pm

Lots of interesting feed back, in all of these replys..

Ive been around people who go off anti depressents cold turkey. Not only are they viscious... it can be dangerous.

Men, often, do not pick and choose their words are carefully as women. Often they have no clue as to how hurt we women can feel.

Wise adults realize that very often, our exes are loved. that every love is different, and that and old love is not a threat to the new. Just part of our history.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 6:05 am

The way I look at it is this, Its better to have "wasted" your good years with another living human being than with chasing money around, or playing playstation, or trying to be cool or something like that init?

Nvalleyee, don't take it so hard, he probably didn't mean it in the way it sounds, we men kinda say stuff like this without realizing how much it can be hurtful, I am sure that he loves you loads, he probably just misses his youth a bit, and thats natural enough.