Really bad Jokes and Quotes from the World of gardening

[BSGCORP]

Really bad Jokes and Quotes from the World of gardening

(Some are original -- submissions welcome)

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The best way to garden is to put on a wide brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.

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How to stop a dog from digging in a garden. Start right! Never let the dog see you digging . . . Doggy see, doggy do

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Grass is just a flower bed in waiting

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Why do melons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.



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Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop.

Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop,

but they refuse.

A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family.

Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.

Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade the friars to close.

Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop.

When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.

This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ~ Paul

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Grass is just a flower bed in waiting

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New gardeners learn by by trowel and error.

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AD for ant traps. "Will kill ants for 3 months."

. . . do they come back to life then?

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I left packet a of seeds in my pocket and my coat turned into a Chia jacket

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Compost is best aged a little like a fine wine. I mean, would you prefer to drink a nice 97, or something that was made last Thursday.

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Grow your own dope........Plant a man ~Faye

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If I could only grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator

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Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."



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The cat was hoist on his own petard

while swinging from trees in the yard

he did many tricks

even pausing for licks

but got hung out on his own leotard

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Gardening Rule:

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed

and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.

If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~ Joan

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I'm a gardener and I'm OK

I sleep all night and I plant all day!

I dress in grubby clothing, and hang around with slugs.

Oh I'm happy in the garden

With dirt and plants and bugs . . .

(to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack")

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Why do potatoes make good detectives?

Because they keep their eyes peeled.

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A toddler who was found chewing on a slug.

After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,

"Well . . . What does it taste like?"

"Worms," was the reply.

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Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost heap.

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Winter does not arrive until the ice is IN the compost. Until then, all

bets are off. ~ Ellen, MG.

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Another unwritten rule of gardening -- any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.

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Compostaphile and Compostaphobe -- To rot or not to rot . . .

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Headline: Dog attacks topiary cat.

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Sometimes what a man says, says more about the man.

Here is a quote from President George Bush in 1990:

"I do not like broccoli. And haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.". . . Umm!

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A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill

except for learning how to grow in rows.

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The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

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Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time.

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Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices of soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face -- Teresa Watkins

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A good compost pile should get hot enough to poach an egg,

but not so hot it would cook a lobster.

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Gardening requires a lot of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.

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A Veggie New Age Song:

Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars.

It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus, age of asparagus

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The difference between weeds and flowers is the weeds are the easiest ones to pull out.

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What's green and walks through walls? Casper the friendly cucumber.

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Man at the market: "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables. Have these been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"No," replied the gardener,"you'll have to do that yourself."

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[Lisa]

* A cat improves the garden wall in sunshine, and the hearth in foul weather. ~Judith Merkle Riley



* A man's children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season. ~Author Unknown



* Roses are red,

Violets are blue;

But they don't get around

Like the dandelions do.

~Slim Acres



* Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust



* Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you. ~Richard Brinsley Sheridan



* If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi





I think these quotes are nice! :-6



welcome to the Garden BSGCORP!