Lousy Report Card/Good Punishment-Help

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:49 am

Ugghhh! My daughter brought home the worst report card ever. I'm a little p.o.'d. Actually, her progress report came home a month and half ago and I warned her that her grades were not what we were expecting. Of course, she goes out everyday with her friends, etc. and obviously is not doing her studies or homework as it showed very clear on the report card. What do you think is a suitable punishment? Her fave things are the pc, watching tv and going with her friends. We already took the tv out of her room. Any suggestions would be helpful.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:50 am

How old is she?

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:53 am

13 going on 14 in June.

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:01 am

Could she still enjoy her leisure time activities (friends, pc etc) and complete her homework? I mean is there time for both?

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:04 am

Limit her time on the p.c. and the social time with her friends. If you take it all away that could just breed resentment and a complete lack of co-operation.

When I had to punish my daughter a while back I cancelled her membership of Bebo and her computer time was for homework only. She had to earn it back.

Does your daughter complete all her homework assignments?

Does she struggle to understand her work at school? Is there any underlying issues that might be bothering her, e.g. bullying, peer pressure etc.

It might be worth discussing with her why she's not doing as well as she could be and finding out what's really going on. If it's just laziness then discuss the punishment with her, I've done that and my daughter understood that she needed the punishment and we worked out together what it should be and for how long.

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:09 am

Idgie;807310 wrote: When she gets home from school, have her do her homework and studying right away in your presence. Works not completed, don't let her hang out with her friends on a daily basis. Also cutting back on her PC time would be helpful.

That could depend on the child's schedule. My son gets up at 5:45am to catch a bus for 6:45, he then spends all day at school with recess. By the time he gets home he is ready for a break. Sorry I have big issues concerning kids not having recess or some sort of break! :wah:

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:12 am

Are the bad grades due to 'in-school' work, or homework/projects?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:16 am

She's at least close to the age where you can involve her in choosing her consequences. Sit down with her and talk about "the next time" and ask her what would be a fair consequence for not doing homework, not doing chores, not making adequate grades, making excellent marks, etc. Write it down. Once all the rules are in place, tell her that these are the consequences for the bad report card as well. When she comes off the ceiling and the screaming subsides, ask calmly if she's done and send her to her consequences.

You've set yourself up to be the bad guy this time. A contract/chart like this will put all the burden on her in the future.

Good luck, and get cotton balls for your ears.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:35 am

At that age, the only way to help her is to convince her it's important. If you impose a punishment I believe she'll associate school with punishment. If she chooses to impose a work schedule for herself, like a time period after school each day in which she completes assignments or studies, then she will continue to do well.

If she hates school you are fast approaching a point where she will stop going with or without your approval. By the time I was 16 I signed my mother's name better than she did. We laugh about it now.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:50 am

I was just thinking the same thing Idgie. Accountable's solution is the thing I think will work. Make her sign a contract and make copies for her teachers and us and post it right on the fridge. Dropping out of school is not an option and she has the crappiest handwriting so there's no way she can forge my name:wah:

But I will be canceling out her Gaia account online and the pc is now only for homework projects. No chit chatting till the wee hours (she only does that on the weekends). As for her friends, I don't mind if she hangs out with them, but since she is grounded for at least a week, she'll be staying put. And when I decide to let her go out, the time she spends with them will be restricted.

Also, right now the high schools will be looking at her 7th & 8th grade reports to see what track they will place her in when she goes into 9th grade. I'll settle for 2nd track, but nothing below that.

Thank you for all the great responses.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:01 am

Interesting. I've never believed it was my job to force my daughter to do anything. The only good results I've ever seen are when she cares about it herself. When I taught her to clean her room I removed all her toys from the room and she had to earn one thing back each time she managed to keep it clean. She couldn't look through the bucket she could only get something back that she recalled missing. After about five weeks she couldn't remember what else was in the bucket and decided that she didn't want anything else.

Not only did she keep her room clean because she had a goal but she learned to avoid clutter. To this day she only buys or asks for what she really wants.

With school, I ended up homeschooling her for a year and spent that time "unschooling" her from the command system so that when she went back it was her setting the goals not me. She is now one of those students who is disappointed when she gets a B on her report card. If she doesn't want it I can't make her do it.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:10 am

For clarification... the toys in the bucket thing was the closest I've come to controlling her environment. I realised I'd gifted her all these things so she didn't respect them. When she had to earn them herself they meant more.

We give our kids all this stuff then take it away as punishment. It's not their stuff until they earn it. I recall as a kid, what it felt like to be in someone else's control all the time. I didn't feel free. I've tried to empower my kid to feel like she controls her own life.

Mustang · Post by **Mustang** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:28 am

Well said Koan.Earn and Trust are the key words.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:35 am

I agree with that part. My first daughter always had great grades but her lifestyle is another thread:wah: Daughter #2 was doing great in school and then started hanging out with people who don't go to her school and her grades just started dropping along with her attitude towards other members in the family. Very frustrating.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:13 am

By the time my kids were in their teens, I always told them that school was their job. When you don't preform well in your job their are consequences. If they brought home anything less than a "B" they would have to spend the hour from 8 to 9 every evening studying that particular subject until they brought the grade up too a "B". I only had to enforce one time and it didn't take him long to improve his grade. Anytime they were struggling to keep a "B" they would come to me or their Mom for advice and we would help them through it. So far only one "C".

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 10:08 am

Mustang;807518 wrote: Well said Koan.Earn and Trust are the key words.
Of course. Koan's a brown-noser. Probably was teacher's pet, too. :p

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 3:58 pm

Id probably opt for encouragement and Id help her set realistic goals with rewards for accomplishments and improvement coupled with defining non negotiable study time as opposed to punishment.

A positive attitude will get better results in my opinion.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:12 pm

AC and RJ have great advice-make her responsible for what is expected of her in regards to schoolwork, but be available all the time. Limit her time with distractions, and be there with her for support and family love.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:15 am

Hello all and I have read every thread on here. What we did yesterday was make a list of goals that she has agreed to uphold. She signed it, posted it on the fridge and then we had a talk about what is going on with her life, etc. We both agreed that the time she spends with her friends will now just be on the weekends. No more after school stuff, unless it's softball which she has signed up for. As for this week though since it's a vacation week, she will only get Friday & Saturday out and no Wed/Thur/Sun. The pc is also out unless it is for a school project.

She was a straight A/B student in the first 3 months of school and her grades dropped about 90% after the first report in Dec. 07, so you can imagine how we felt about the latest report which was this week and explained to her that we have put alot of money towards her education because we believe it is a great educational system she's in and if she really wants to screw it up, we'll gladly enroll her in the other school. How quickly she responded that "no way am I going there". So, now the responsibility for the good grades is on her with help from us if and when she needs it.

So, just a big thankyou to all who responded. Made it easier for me to see both sides (ours & hers).:-6

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:45 am

Excellent! Good job, Mom. Don't forget to follow through. The consequences are hers, but you have to make sure the rules stay in place.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:00 am

Well Accountable, the goal sheet is right there on the fridge for all to see. She has also agreed to get free math help at school every Wednesday. Thanks for the encouragement. Made my day:-6

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:54 am

Well done you! To get her to see your point is quite an achievement where teenagers are concerned!!!

I hope she sticks to her side of the deal but if she's doesn't she at least knows what the consequences will be.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:59 am

I didn't even bother to scream and jump up & down as it wouldn't have done any good for either of us. Just talked to her calmly and as rationally as we could. Time will tell as the next report comes out in June. But, that does not end the goals adn which she is expected to help with the chores, etc. I pay them a little cash at the end of the week if they do all their chores.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 1:29 pm

qsducks;808465 wrote: Hello all and I have read every thread on here. What we did yesterday was make a list of goals that she has agreed to uphold. She signed it, posted it on the fridge and then we had a talk about what is going on with her life, etc. We both agreed that the time she spends with her friends will now just be on the weekends. No more after school stuff, unless it's softball which she has signed up for. As for this week though since it's a vacation week, she will only get Friday & Saturday out and no Wed/Thur/Sun. The pc is also out unless it is for a school project.

She was a straight A/B student in the first 3 months of school and her grades dropped about 90% after the first report in Dec. 07, so you can imagine how we felt about the latest report which was this week and explained to her that we have put alot of money towards her education because we believe it is a great educational system she's in and if she really wants to screw it up, we'll gladly enroll her in the other school. How quickly she responded that "no way am I going there". So, now the responsibility for the good grades is on her with help from us if and when she needs it.

So, just a big thankyou to all who responded. Made it easier for me to see both sides (ours & hers).:-6

Outstanding ! Good parenting.