I've often wondered if the traumatic experiences people suffer in life (i hate that word suffer because it sounds so weak) dictate who we are as people.
Why is it, that some people can just roll with the flow and others are permanently stunted. Every single person goes through something traumatic in their life.... but some people never get over get over it ... is that something to do with the inner strength of the person or the severity of the traumatic experience
How it affects them will differ on the person. Meaning is this a culture shock to one or will one react with control and strength and have a break down later..??
I've been thru too much that another would not be able to handle.
I have a very close girlfriend who is amazed on what I have experienced and dailt BS I Cope with & Handle.
She would never be able to handle what I've experienced..
Everyone is different due to experience..
Your only strong when life has whip you into that stage... What ever age..
Patsy Warnick;823523 wrote: Trauma will change everyone - no matter what..How it affects them will differ on the person. Meaning is this a culture shock to one or will one react with control and strength and have a break down later..??
I've been thru too much that another would not be able to handle.
I have a very close girlfriend who is amazed on what I have experienced and dailt BS I Cope with & Handle.
She would never be able to handle what I've experienced..
Everyone is different due to experience..
Your only strong when life has whip you into that stage... What ever age..
Patsy
I agree Patsy .... i think i thrive on stress
I've always felt lucky because what ever happens i'm not digging around in the dirt and starving like some people in Africa . What ever life throws at you , if you have kids you have a duty to be strong .
I'm a great relative - great Aunt to my Nephews - and natural maternal instinct.
All changes will create who we are - trauma - now that's pacific
Dad died 1981 @ 62
Husband died 1988 @ 30
Mother died 1996 @ 62
Nephew died @ 2005 @ 27
I've had 16 surgeries in @ 10 years and my husband has has a triple by-pass 2003.
My husband cancer 2004.
And a Mother in Law from Hell for @ 3 years..
Has all this experience changed me - YES Eye's are wide open....
changed me from what ???
Every thing in life will change you
I enjoy watching a " LIGHT BULB MOMENT " Oh - one does wake up and PIVOT
and take another road..
Patsy
Your an inspirational lady :-6
You've been through a hell of lot (another surviver).
I have a lot of admiration for people who never complain and have been through the worst instances . I hope life treats you better ...take care :yh_hugs:yh_hugs
Everyone handles stress differently....I was thinking about this to a degree the other day, that I always feel when I tell people what I'm going through, someone wants to "out-do" me in what I'm going through, there is a huge side of me that wants to say "go for it"....I can name a few people off the top of my head that actually couldn't go through what I have been through, they have come out and told me, and even right now with what I'm facing...I have a family member that was in need of my help and I was able to give it, and they looked at me like I was an alien....:-3
WonderWendy3;823554 wrote: Everyone handles stress differently....I was thinking about this to a degree the other day, that I always feel when I tell people what I'm going through, someone wants to "out-do" me in what I'm going through,
your not wrong ,i've seen that here aswell i can tell you .
there is a huge side of me that wants to say "go for it"....I can name a few people off the top of my head that actually couldn't go through what I have been through, they have come out and told me, and even right now with what I'm facing...I have a family member that was in need of my help and I was able to give it, and they looked at me like I was an alien....:-3
Wendy, sometimes you need to put yourself first . Your family should be helping you . Any woman who can come out of an abusive marriage/ relationship is a strong person .....i defy anyone to not be damaged . Life is life ..i don't know anyone who hasn't been affected in some way by something . Could it be a woman thing ....are women stronger than men . i've often wondered .
Lifes not been easy .....my childhood has the worst memories and still haunt me to this day and yes I have to admit still brings tears to my eyes also.
I knew I had to do something with my life to make up for it and also if you like to prove things to certain people.I also realised that nobody should ever be without love in their life and to give out as much as you can to another person.I also was left unable to walk or move a few years ago and it was the worst pain I have ever known.I was like that for many months even unable to feed myself.My muscles wasted away and I had a terrible time..........getting to walk again taught me never to take walking for granted.Ok I have problems even now because of this but to the eye I walk normal.Some months after all this my house was on fire.........an electrical fault.It was a living nightmare but had to thank God it wasn't at a time when I was unable to move.So much more has happend and yes these experiences do make you the people you are.The illness taught me to do understand what people have to go through with walking problems and back problems and I even started buying items for my business to help them.I also learned through the bad times exactly who my friends were and that I think we all need to learn.Of course our life experiences make us the people we are and can also teach us so much at times even though the lessons can be so hard to take.
Women are bitchy and predictable ...men are not and that's the key to knowing the truth.
I know I've been lucky in my life, I'm not immune to bad things happening, no-one is, but many times I'm humbled by the things that others suffer and their ability to bounce back.
I've had ill health and I've had people tell me that I'm brave for coping with it - I'm not, it's not that bad, it's not life threatening - it's life altering but some of that is for the better, if you describe the symptoms it sounds horrible but I don't get them all, all of the time so it's quite easy to cope.
I often wonder how people get over some truely terrible things but it seems that most of the time humans find inner strength that we don't always know we have.
I've suffered from GAD and Panic disorder always really but horrendously for the last 7 years. It has affected my whole real. The weird thing is I've only had a few major traumas in my life and I think half the problem was I never dealt with them in any way when they actually happened. I just continued to ignore what was going on. It was only when something else happened that everything collapsed then.
Nowadays I'm really doing my best to get back on my feet and on with life but I live with this on a daily basis. Other people who don't understand what it's like say things like oh why don't you just pull yourself together? That hurts so much so I make the biggest effort to not judge people anymore. A very good tip I was given by a councillor was, 'he should me a closed box and asked what was inside it' , my answer was 'I don't know' and his answer was exactly. Never try to imagine how other people are feeling and what might hurt them because we can never know because they are a closed box unless they tell us and everyone is different. All we can do is to try and show compassion to everyone we meet in life no matter how they perceive the world.
I think 'trauma' does shape people but everyone is different.
I know within my own family. I have been able to look at the things that have happened and know that I played no part in what happened I own no blame and I could not have prevented things happening. I accept other peoples decisions and then carry on with my life.
My mother has spent 8 years on pills of various kinds and hours in therapy saying 'what if'
My younger brother has had a breakdown and is currently under psychiatric care.
The older of my brothers says he is ok but has an anger in him which has wrecked his marriage and stopped him forming any new relationship. If any therapy is mention he goes off the deep end punching walls or putting his fist through doors. Not exactly stable?
Yet we all went through the same thing. Trauma is relative, to each it's different.
Some people have a strong faith, some have supporting friends and/or family, some just have an optimistic outlook on life and believe a traumatic experience is just a temporary thing to get over and go on with life. These folks are survivors.
I don't know that you ever get over emotional trauma, which is what this thread mainly seems to be about. You learn to live with the effects, or you kill yourself. Seen both.
Ok. Take the plunge.
I was mocked and bullied by my mother all through my childhood and adolescence. She was a hard woman whose idea of support was to say, "Pull yourself together," with obvious irritation and contempt.
Highlights include holding a knife to my throat and telling me how much she enjoyed the look of fear in my eyes, and not being prepared to pay 50 pence per pill for my acne at Easter, and then paying £1 a pill for the dog's skin complaint in the summer. Told me where I stood in the pecking order.
I also know that if your face is slapped hard and often enough, left, right, left, right, left, right, your eyes will water whether you are crying or not, and then you can be mocked for being a feeble crybaby. She was a PE instructor, a golfer and a hockey player who could crack walnuts in her fingers. A smack from her was not a light matter and she had a ferocious temper.
Eventually stopped the worst of it at 17 by smacking her back, which startled her because as a sabreur I could move much faster and with more control than she realised. My smack was utterly controlled and light, but it was the fact that I'd warned her if she smacked me again I'd smack her and I was still able to do it before she moved that got her attention. It is the only time I have ever hit a woman.
It is immensely difficult to hit your mother.
The acne was not on my face, it was on my back and chest and it turned out it was a result of my skin reacting badly to biological washing powder, which everyone seemed to use in the '70s. She just made it clear it was my fault and disgusting.
Then I went to school, where low self esteem and self respect and blood and pus on your shirt make you a target. Even now I'm not prepared to say what my nickname was. Never had a girlfriend, for obvious reasons.
There were four of us kids, and I and my youngest sister got the worst of it, the middle two avoided most of it, and my younger brother was the apple of her eye. She also knocked my father about, as I heard through the bedroom wall. She herself had been knocked around by her mother.
Went to University, which was a liberation, and met the girl I married. We had problems in bed and of course I blamed myself. Loved her with the passion of first love and we married.
Discovered much later she cheated on me throughout - I now believe the child she aborted had nothing to do with me but at the time it was very difficult, especially since I myself am adopted, but I accepted that in the end it was her body and her choice. She wanted a career she said. Kids later.
Of course, I was always blaming myself for the problems in our relationship. It didn't help that she was a committed feminist and kept hitting me with the evils that men do and constantly undermining what little self esteem I had. I was drinking far too much. Eventually my career began to crash and I left it to try to save the marriage.
She left me for a woman - having been able to demonstrate to all and sundry that I was an inadequate husband. I was a lesbian's alibi. NB that I never raised a finger to her. She married her girlfriend last year and had a baby this. We were still in contact - I had called and forgiven her, not for her sake, but because I didn't like the way bitterness was curdling me (it did help), and she contacted me when my parents died. It was when she announced she was pregnant that I finally cut off contact.
It's nearly ten years since the divorce and I'm starting to recover - have not been able to sustain a relationship in that time. Tried, but could feel...nothing. May not be coincidence that a Reiki healer who knew nothing of this and whom I saw about another (and minor) issue told me my heart chakra had almost stopped. Trust is also very difficult. Wouldn't risk this if any of you knew who I actually was.
The point of all this rambling is that trauma CAN damage you. It has damaged me. I may be a kinder and gentler person than I otherwise would be, and I'm not denying that I learned a lot, but I am still upset that I was so totally used, and I wonder what I might have been if I'd had a little more self-confidence at University and in my career. I'd like to add that I have always paid my own bills and never been a burden on the state.
I'm still here, and I can still laugh, the world is a beautiful place and no-one will ever use and abuse me like that again.
Clodhopper;824691 wrote: I don't know that you ever get over emotional trauma, which is what this thread mainly seems to be about. You learn to live with the effects, or you kill yourself. Seen both.
Ok. Take the plunge.
I was mocked and bullied by my mother all through my childhood and adolescence. She was a hard woman whose idea of support was to say, "Pull yourself together," with obvious irritation and contempt.
Highlights include holding a knife to my throat and telling me how much she enjoyed the look of fear in my eyes, and not being prepared to pay 50 pence per pill for my acne at Easter, and then paying £1 a pill for the dog's skin complaint in the summer. Told me where I stood in the pecking order.
I also know that if your face is slapped hard and often enough, left, right, left, right, left, right, your eyes will water whether you are crying or not, and then you can be mocked for being a feeble crybaby. She was a PE instructor, a golfer and a hockey player who could crack walnuts in her fingers. A smack from her was not a light matter and she had a ferocious temper.
Eventually stopped the worst of it at 17 by smacking her back, which startled her because as a sabreur I could move much faster and with more control than she realised. My smack was utterly controlled and light, but it was the fact that I'd warned her if she smacked me again I'd smack her and I was still able to do it before she moved that got her attention. It is the only time I have ever hit a woman.
It is immensely difficult to hit your mother.
The acne was not on my face, it was on my back and chest and it turned out it was a result of my skin reacting badly to biological washing powder, which everyone seemed to use in the '70s. She just made it clear it was my fault and disgusting.
Then I went to school, where low self esteem and self respect and blood and pus on your shirt make you a target. Even now I'm not prepared to say what my nickname was. Never had a girlfriend, for obvious reasons.
There were four of us kids, and I and my youngest sister got the worst of it, the middle two avoided most of it, and my younger brother was the apple of her eye. She also knocked my father about, as I heard through the bedroom wall. She herself had been knocked around by her mother.
Went to University, which was a liberation, and met the girl I married. We had problems in bed and of course I blamed myself. Loved her with the passion of first love and we married.
Discovered much later she cheated on me throughout - I now believe the child she aborted had nothing to do with me but at the time it was very difficult, especially since I myself am adopted, but I accepted that in the end it was her body and her choice. She wanted a career she said. Kids later.
Of course, I was always blaming myself for the problems in our relationship. It didn't help that she was a committed feminist and kept hitting me with the evils that men do and constantly undermining what little self esteem I had. I was drinking far too much. Eventually my career began to crash and I left it to try to save the marriage.
She left me for a woman - having been able to demonstrate to all and sundry that I was an inadequate husband. I was a lesbian's alibi. NB that I never raised a finger to her. She married her girlfriend last year and had a baby this. We were still in contact - I had called and forgiven her, not for her sake, but because I didn't like the way bitterness was curdling me (it did help), and she contacted me when my parents died. It was when she announced she was pregnant that I finally cut off contact.
It's nearly ten years since the divorce and I'm starting to recover - have not been able to sustain a relationship in that time. Tried, but could feel...nothing. May not be coincidence that a Reiki healer who knew nothing of this and whom I saw about another (and minor) issue told me my heart chakra had almost stopped. Trust is also very difficult. Wouldn't risk this if any of you knew who I actually was.
The point of all this rambling is that trauma CAN damage you. It has damaged me. I may be a kinder and gentler person than I otherwise would be, and I'm not denying that I learned a lot, but I am still upset that I was so totally used, and I wonder what I might have been if I'd had a little more self-confidence at University and in my career. I'd like to add that I have always paid my own bills and never been a burden on the state.
I'm still here, and I can still laugh, the world is a beautiful place and no-one will ever use and abuse me like that again.
fuzzy butt;824434 wrote: I wouldn't call anyone 'damaged' really . I speak to a lot of people who have had severe trauma in their lives and I wouldn't call them 'damaged' .
In my experience (and I don't mean my own personal experience) people can be locked into a situation or circumstance that can initially come from the onslaught of trauma but choose or do not choose for reasons only they know to work through it.
trauma has many different forms
You have people that have experienced a personal trauma.
There are accident victims.
There are people who have experienced trauma of war...........and so on .
Most use experiences of life in all manner of ways and use it as an experience to learn or to grow. Or to put life and the universe into perpective . It's like people who have gone to religion after a trauma or moved away from it.
For instance i use my experiences to help others ..................
From what i've seen of you here i imagine you do an awesome job.:yh_hugs
I get what your saying about damage ...it's not a nice word.
Let me pick you brain ( as your a counseller ) we all react differently to things but what Wendy said about people 'trying out do you' in the trauma stakes ....why do some people use their trauma as a crutch and an excuse and how do help people like that .
I believe that trauma does change people, I also believe that trauma is a personal thing as in a trauma to me might be like water off a ducks back to another.
Father left at 5
Was sexually assulted at 11
My husband had an affair and left me at 20
I lost a baby at 18 weeks and had to give birth alone at 24
I lost my house and was put in a homeless hostel with 2 children at 26
My Mum was diagnosed with cancer on the day I lost my house ^^
I became disabled overnight due to a serious back injury at 27
I died twice, had a surgeon take out the wrong parts which has led to many more surgeries and health problems at 31
Mother diagnosed with cancer in stomach, lungs, neck at 33
A good friend died after battling breast cancer she was only 31
Father died New Years Eve at 34
The above has changed me so much to the point where I look in a mirror and often wonder who is looking back at me!
Has it made me stronger? I don't think I am stronger my feelings of numbness just increase everytime another bit of s*** happens.
I am nobody..nobody is perfect...therefore I must be Perfect!
.
rolleyes:
