Advice

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:09 pm

OK, I know, I don't often look for friendship- or relationship-advice on this thing, but this one is troubling, and also a little bizarre, and I would like to know what people think.

Okay, you see I lived with this Scottish woman for 3 or 4 years in a relationship, it ended very bitterly indeed and we have no contact whatsoever. That was 6 years ago. Now, she did this advert years ago in Ireland for the concert Orchestra, and her face pops up from time to time on the TV, so I saw her the other night on the telly and I got curious, as I often wonder what became of her.

Anyway, I googled her name, and this UK missing persons thing came up, it was from a woman looking for contact information from my ex-girlfriend and her sister, as their mother had abandoned them as children and never made contact again, (this was an issue that my ex would never discuss herself) so this woman (who by the way claims to be her half-sister) was trying to get into contact with them to let them know that their mother died in March.

She also has a half brother, who was living with the mother when she died. Now also I found my ex's email address as well, so my dilemma is should I break the contact taboo of 6 years (which might not result in a good reaction regardless of the news) and tell her she has various half-siblings and her mother who abandoned her is dead, or should I let sleeping dogs lie? This is quite a difficult situation I have to admit.

I really wish I wasn't so curious sometimes, but its done now, so what can I do?

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:11 pm

Absolutely. No question Dr.

Its her mom.

Its the right thing to do.

Good luck.

Post by **spot** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:12 pm

You've no choice, you're obliged. I know you'll do it politely.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:16 pm

I agree this has all happened for a reason. I will tell you that your news may not be well received and old wounds may be opened. But as Nomie said it is her Mother she needs to know. Good Luck Dr. G.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:16 pm

I would tell her, Galbally.

Six years is relative. Feelings could have festered in that time or they could have mellowed somewhat. But you're not trying to start anything anyway, you are just delivering some very pertinent information. She may even be appreciative. Regardless, I believe things happen for a reason. I think you should certainly tell her about this.

---------------- Listening to: Smashmouth / The Way That You Are via FoxyTunes

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:18 pm

Is there any way to do it through a third party to avoid the direct contact.

I would agree that you need to pass on the info - but not necessarily by getting in touch yourself ( a mutual acquaintance maybe).

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:19 pm

Absolutely, tell her...it's the right thing to do:-6

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:21 pm

Yes you need to tell her ... it's up to her what she does then. But you do have to tell her :-4

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:30 pm

Surely if you googled her then they could too?

Why did they just not google her?

Does she have a different name?

.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:47 pm

Ah, Galbally, you must tell her. You will find out how to tell her the best way possible.

Post by **spot** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:47 pm

abbey;827947 wrote: Surely if you googled her then they could too? Some people are not competent to be let out on the Internet at all. Or, indeed, put in front of a keyboard.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 5:53 pm

spot;827959 wrote: Some people are not competent to be let out on the Internet at all. Or, indeed, put in front of a keyboard.You mean me dont you? :yh_silly.....:p

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:18 pm

The relationship ended badly ?

You "Happened" across this information ?

No contact for 6 years ?

Stay clear, say nothing, what has it to do with you ?

The news is out there, why should YOU be the bearer ?

Do you owe her anything ?

OK an anonymous Email from behind a non traceable, non attributable link, forgotten the term............but dont get involved personally.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:24 pm

Yes, thank you all for the advice, I am very reluctant to initiate any contact with her I have to be honest, I am going to see if there is any way that I can try and pass the information on by proxy, but it will be difficult, if that's not possible, I will reconsider.

I think there are several siblings from different men, she never had a clue about her mother once she had left her and her sister to be raised by her father. It was always a very odd situation that she had a lot of issues with (naturally). I think for now I am going to sleep on it, the funeral was a week ago anyway, so the time issue is past.

What a bizarre situation, that relationship was never a good one for me, I really should have not gone looking under rocks about exes, but we are all only human I suppose. Thanks everyone!

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:28 pm

Galbally;827985 wrote: Yes, thank you all for the advice, I am very reluctant to initiate any contact with her I have to be honest, I am going to see if there is any way that I can try and pass the information on by proxy, but it will be difficult, if that's not possible, I will reconsider.

I think there are several siblings from different men, she never had a clue about her mother once she had left her and her sister to be raised by her father. It was always a very odd situation that she had a lot of issues with (naturally). I think for now I am going to sleep on it, the funeral was a week ago anyway, so the time issue is past.

What a bizarre situation, that relationship was never a good one for me, I really should have not gone looking under rocks about exes, but we are all only human I suppose. Thanks everyone! :)Very wise Gallers.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:30 pm

Bruv;827982 wrote: The relationship ended badly ?

You "Happened" across this information ?

No contact for 6 years ?

Stay clear, say nothing, what has it to do with you ?

The news is out there, why should YOU be the bearer ?

Do you owe her anything ?

OK an anonymous Email from behind a non traceable, non attributable link, forgotten the term............but dont get involved personally.

Yes, honestly, her old advert came up on the telly, and that made me think about her, so I googled her name, I know it probably sounds a bit weird and all that, I tend to agree with your take on it, its a hella of a lot of weird family stuff there. I am going to have a sleep on it, and have a think in the morning. I really opened a bit of a pandora's box, thats what I get for being curious. :-3

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:32 pm

Dr. G you will do what is right. If you do nothing then that is right. We are a curoius lot we Human's and often times we get ourselves into trouble because of it. Sometimes maybe we just don't need to act on things we find out.

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:47 pm

Who am I to advise ?

You seem a sensitive, sensible.........deep .....sort of guy.

What appears right to you, might not be appreciated.....or welcome.

Ignorance is bliss.

Just another slant.....there is no right answer.

Me personally would try to forget it...........but thats easy for me to say.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

flopstock · Post by **flopstock** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:49 pm

Send the info to nomad and let him deal with her.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 7:03 pm

The information is important - yes & Maybe ??

Should you pass the info onto her - NO

Your girlfriend never spoke about her past for a reason

maybe she cares and maybe she won't care

Why would you want to take the RATH from this Female ?

She maybe irritated that you googled her family in the first place.??

IT'S NOT YOUR JOB

unless you have other intentions - hopes ??

Patsy

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 8:30 pm

I say let sleeping dogs lie. You stumbled upon the info.. you are no one in her life.... Dont open up an old can of worms for any reason.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 9:02 pm

I am with the "let sleeping dogs lie" crowd to be honest. My question is, don't you think that the family would be in contact with her also? If she is on the TV, then they certainly can get a hold of her, unless of course she makes it hard to find for them....and then in that case, she doesn't want to be found by family or old "friends"....I know the information is important, but she might resent the news coming from you, as well-meaning as your intentions are, she may not receive it as such.

You are a good man Dr. G!:-4

elixer · Post by **elixer** » Sat Apr 05, 2008 10:21 pm

That's a toughie.

Regardless of the nature of any relationship, it is never easy being the bearer of bad news. You're obviously burdened by carrying this knowledge around, or I imagine you wouldn't have shared this otherwise.

If you can find your third party, you might just ask them to pass on that someone from her family is trying to contact her, or something equally generic, and leave the contact information provided by the siblings. Then it will be up to her to pursue the information if she so chooses. She may really not want to know, but at least this way you've done what you feel impelled to do without having to become intimately involved.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sun Apr 06, 2008 1:58 am

Thanks again, I think what elixir said there at the end was probably true in that it just feels like a burden because its bad news, even though essentially its none of my business and to be frank if the situation was reversed, it wouldn't happen. Anyway, I had a sleep on it, and I do know one person who has contact with her from her days in Ireland, so she can tell her, that eases my ethical dilemma, without me having to have anything to do with her.

Let that be a lesson to ye, beware Google, its has great powers! :wah:

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Sun Apr 06, 2008 2:34 am

Ok, I'm sitting here in a very shaky state after a wonderful but very alcoholic evening with friends. I'm thoroughly Brisbane, if not actually Krookaburra. My judgement this morning is not to be trusted.

But no-one has suggested getting in touch with the half sister, explaining why you are nervous about contacting the ex, and giving the half sister the email address. Is this a bad idea?

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Sun Apr 06, 2008 6:08 am

Seems like this issue has already been handled.

rkdian · Post by **rkdian** » Sun Apr 06, 2008 6:24 am

Clodhopper;828078 wrote: Ok, I'm sitting here in a very shaky state after a wonderful but very alcoholic evening with friends. I'm thoroughly Brisbane, if not actually Krookaburra. My judgement this morning is not to be trusted.

But no-one has suggested getting in touch with the half sister, explaining why you are nervous about contacting the ex, and giving the half sister the email address. Is this a bad idea?

This is exactly what I was thinking to be the solution. The half sister didn't ask anyone to give the news. She asked if anyone could put her in contact.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sun Apr 06, 2008 9:52 am

rkdian;828147 wrote: This is exactly what I was thinking to be the solution. The half sister didn't ask anyone to give the news. She asked if anyone could put her in contact.

Yes, I had though of that, but as far as I was aware she had no awareness of having any half brothers or sisters, so I am not sure whether allowing this woman to contact her without giving her the chance to refuse contact might not be right, again, I am not really the one to be making any of these decisions, as its none of my business, lets see what way it pans out.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sun Apr 06, 2008 10:41 am

You answered your own concerns Dr. G.

[QUOTE]I am not really the one to be making any of these decisions, as its none of my business, lets see what way it pans out.[/QUOTE]