The unraveling of my brain

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:53 am

Twenty years, and really longer than that, of a very hard life, are catching up with me. Where once, I was spurned on by the challenge to survive, or to make things better, or to stand up for my principles, or to protect my children...... I now do not have the energy to accomplish anything. The effort required to reinvent myself over and over again, has left me void of feeling, and stripped of motivation to press on. I have lost my personal core telling me what the meaning of life is, as there has been so much dissapointment, and heartache. It is not good enough to simply be a good person, in this world. Success is the barometer by which we are judged by others, and determines the quality of life that we lead. The final push was my moving up to the tree house apartment. But now, I cant even muster up the energy to put a rug on the floor, or a picture on the wall. Because my head says For what? I have no interest in socializing, and my bed is my best friend. Yesterday I finally realized that I am seriously depressed. So now, what do I do? Should I pay someone to listen to the saga that has been my life, and ask them to give me a magic pill to make me happy? Depression is a terrible, terrible thing. On top of making you feel physically ill, you have to feel guilty for not feeling grateful. Sleep is the only escape. I keep thinking that if you sleep enough your brain will repair itself, and your body will produce some magical enzyme that will make you want to feel alive again.

How long I wonder, should I wait....

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:17 am

My understanding is that depression is not just a mental state, it's a consequence of a physical illness that puts your brain out of kilter. I sympathise with your desire not to ask for a "magic pill" that'll make you happy, but there are pills that can at least calm the worst consequences of the unbalanced state of your brain chemistry.

One of the worst things about depression is the way it traps you into a cycle of inactivity, just going round and round the same old issues and seeing no way out. You need to break the cycle. Talk to your doctor.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:06 am

Hi Laura,

I just tried to email you but got a message that your box has been temporarily disabled. Are you okay? Please let us know!

Your post is very telling.You and I have talked about depression in the past and what it can do to us. It does sound to me like that's what it is by what you described. There is no such thing as a happy pill. I know because I have used most of them. There is only a medication that can lift the fog for you so you can see things in a little more positive light. There's certainly no shame in using medication or talking to a professional. Your friends are good for listening but sometimes you need a pro who can help you find your own answers.

Did anything specific trigger this? I couldn't tell by your last few posts that you were feeling poorly but I'm here now to listen. Shall we talk?

Terri

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 7:49 am

Weeder

Sleep will heal your soul to regenerate - if you need to sleep, than sleep.

Do you have anything/interest/art for therapy? crochet, painting ?

I can't explain the mechanism/switch that shuts us down, it's a protective feature our bodies have when enough is enough and one needs to heal before taking on another event.

I've tried several meds and chose to ride the process out without meds.

Please lets us know how your doing - we'll be thinking of you

Patsy

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:30 am

Terri... I forgot that I wasnt a supporting member so my message capacity is limited. I have to $$$$$.

RJ.. Ill take the name of that book again. I need it.

Patsy, I knew this was coming as lately, I just feel like crying.

I dont believe in taking pills for this kind of thing. I know its just a band aid. But I dont have the energy to work through a lifetime of trauma. There was a time when I had so many interests, I didnt know what to do first. Painting, sewing, writing, gardening. And I loved people. To me this breakdown is a sign of weakness of the worst kind. Its hard to believe that just a few years ago I used to visit a battered womens shelter to motivate the women to save themselves. And now, I cant even save myself. My battery is dead, no one loves me, and I dont feel like being entertaining to try to lure anyone into loving me. This final crash comes from having your identity revolve totally around your work. You dont make memories while your working. You just make money, and money truly is the root of all evil.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:36 am

Weeder

I understand working & working you lose yourself.

What can we do to give you a boost of self worth ??

Your loved & important to us...

Patsy

Skylar · Post by **Skylar** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:10 am

I can so relate to you weeder. I've been thru so much ****, I could write a book. Recently been thru some domestic violance which took away my ability to walk. Sometimes I feel like lying down and dying, life seems so unimportant now.

I've been sleeping more then I've been awake. Someone told me I'm clinically depressed. whatever..

But I will say, I have been trying to do things to make me happy. to hell with trying to make others happy. I don't have time for that either.

this pass week I planted some bulbs and have been growing a cabbage plant and some strawberry plants. I have a small patio but I have been out there in the sun and air and listening to the birds and relaxing.

I've actually pushed my wheelchair around a concrete trail here just to get away from this place and see something new insted of the same **** every day.

I was sleeping over 12 hours a day. now I'm at around 10 and feeling better about life. I still have my moments. but I don't feel like throwng in the towel just yet.

take a walk *if you can walk* and smell the flowers. nature is good therapy.

Skylar · Post by **Skylar** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:32 am

rjwould;845221 wrote: I am so sorry, Skylar. I hope all turns out well for you. Is your disability permanent?

Don't feel sorry for me. or I'll start feeling sorry for me and that gets me no where but depressed thinking about it all again.

No, there is a chance I can walk again,in time. I can walk a little with my braces and elbow crutches, not far and not for too long right now.

one day I hope to walk again.

thanks ..anyway.. but this is about weeder, not me.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:53 am

weeder;845140 wrote: Terri... I forgot that I wasnt a supporting member so my message capacity is limited. I have to $$$$$.

RJ.. Ill take the name of that book again. I need it.

Patsy, I knew this was coming as lately, I just feel like crying.

I dont believe in taking pills for this kind of thing. I know its just a band aid. But I dont have the energy to work through a lifetime of trauma. There was a time when I had so many interests, I didnt know what to do first. Painting, sewing, writing, gardening. And I loved people. To me this breakdown is a sign of weakness of the worst kind. Its hard to believe that just a few years ago I used to visit a battered womens shelter to motivate the women to save themselves. And now, I cant even save myself. My battery is dead, no one loves me, and I dont feel like being entertaining to try to lure anyone into loving me. This final crash comes from having your identity revolve totally around your work. You dont make memories while your working. You just make money, and money truly is the root of all evil.

Laura, I understand things seem pretty hopeless to you right now and as you know, the mind can knock you for a loop sometimes when depression hits. I'm not giving you any sugarcoat or any platitudes when I tell you I have been there and yes, there is hope even when you don't see it and have none. More importantly, there is potential for CHANGE. You do not have to be stuck in this hellhole rut forever nor will you be. I should have known by your posts that you were heading this direction and I'm sorry I didn't realize it. I'm glad you told us about how you're feeling so we can help you.

Respectfully, although I do appreciate your standpoint on pills, I have to disagree about them being a bandaid. Take them if you need to to get you over this hump. I'm not pushing pills on you, I'm just saying that an antidepressant is medication, not happy pills and is no different from medication for one's heart or cholesterol or insulin to a diabetic. Also, there is NO shame in using medication or talking to a counselor or psychiatrist about how you feel. You are not weak because of this. This is not a personal character flaw in Weeder, this is your brain chemicals not working properly.

Please...make an appointment and see a counselor. All you have to do is see them, you don't have to take any pills if you don't want to and maybe at this time that's isn't even necessary anyway. Maybe you just need to talk to someone who can help lift you over this rough patch. But please, call someone. If you can't bring yourself to do it, get someone to do it for you. If you want, I will help you make an appointment. I'll help you any way I can. Even if you just want to vent, I am here to listen.

It scared me when I tried to email you and got that message that your box was out of order. I am so glad to see this latest post from you!

Try to keep this in mind right now:

Things are NOT as bleak as you think they are right now, okay? It's just the depression doing that. Depression is a magnifier and makes problems seem insurmountable but I promise you they are NOT. When things get hold of you, tell yourself out loud that it's just the depression. It will pass. You may have tio help it pass by getting some assistance but you are not going to feel like this forever.

Sleep can be good. I know what you mean about an escape. I am very familiar with that, Depression messes up your sleep cycle too. Some people have insomnia and others (like me) sleep way too much. Too much sleep is just as bad as not enough. It will throw your cycle off as if the depression wasn't already.

You have to help yourself through this and I know it's tough to do but you have to. Schedule a visit with a counselor and see what they have to say. That's the first step. We do this one step at a time. I will help you all I can, just tell me what you need.

You are a wonderful and worthy person, Laura. You have so incredibly much to offer.

Your friend,

Terri :-4

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 12:13 pm

weeder;845140 wrote: Terri... I forgot that I wasnt a supporting member so my message capacity is limited. I have to $$$$$.

RJ.. Ill take the name of that book again. I need it.

Patsy, I knew this was coming as lately, I just feel like crying.

I dont believe in taking pills for this kind of thing. I know its just a band aid. But I dont have the energy to work through a lifetime of trauma. There was a time when I had so many interests, I didnt know what to do first. Painting, sewing, writing, gardening. And I loved people. To me this breakdown is a sign of weakness of the worst kind. Its hard to believe that just a few years ago I used to visit a battered womens shelter to motivate the women to save themselves. And now, I cant even save myself. My battery is dead, no one loves me, and I dont feel like being entertaining to try to lure anyone into loving me. This final crash comes from having your identity revolve totally around your work. You dont make memories while your working. You just make money, and money truly is the root of all evil.

First of Weeder we are all allowed to be weak, it's actually ok :-4

When you love yourself others will love you hunni

Is money the root of all evil?? Greed might be we all need money to survive.

Let yourself sleep, I agree with a few here that that is the souls way of repairing itself.

As you get stronger let go of all those negative thoughts and turn them around to positive. :yh_hugs:yh_hugs:-4

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 2:27 pm

I remember my mother asking nobody in particular sometimes, "What am I good for now?" She was only in her late 60's at the time. All her children were grown and gone, she never had a career outside the home, and she never drove a car. But this lady could sew, could paint,and had a lovely singing voice a long with her skills as a homemaker. When I was there to hear her question, I would smile and say, "Just relax and enjoy doing what you want to do now......for yourself. You are still loved and important to all of us." Her question would hurt me, not just because it came from my mom, but because it came from another woman. She was ill for several years and living in a hospice before she passed away in her mid 70's.

I have been thinking of this lately, especially after my hubby and I visited a nursing home where his mother is staying temporarily, recovereing from a fall and gall bladder surgery. She is 85. She is ready to come home......now. I saw that the nursing home is home to alot of people. They have part of a room to hang some photographs and a small shelf for personal items. The lady sharing the room with my mother-in-law was dressed and asleep in a chair and woke up long enough to eat from her dinner tray.......then she went back to sleep.

I asked myself, "Is this where I will wind up in the future.....having strangers tend to me in one side of a room?"

I post this to say that in some things we do have a choice about how we live our one and only life. There are things that we have never done in our lives and never will do......but so what? There are alot of things that we have done, and can do. I have to remind myself of this once in awhile.

I would say don't waste your time on regret, and don't worry so much about the future. You have today.

Rest awhile. Nothing wrong with that. Be good to yourself...you deserve it.

"Just relax and enjoy what you want to do now, for yourself. You are loved and important to all of your friends here in the Garden, Laura."

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:32 am

I read this thread when Laura initially posted it, but did not post as I could see her friends and people that could offer advice were already here. Has anyone heard from Laura? Is she feeling any better?

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:33 pm

Pheasy;847026 wrote: I read this thread when Laura initially posted it, but did not post as I could see her friends and people that could offer advice were already here. Has anyone heard from Laura? Is she feeling any better?

I hope so.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:06 pm

I hear ya

My latest Cat Scan

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:30 pm

weeder;844559 wrote: Twenty years, and really longer than that, of a very hard life, are catching up with me. Where once, I was spurned on by the challenge to survive, or to make things better, or to stand up for my principles, or to protect my children...... I now do not have the energy to accomplish anything. The effort required to reinvent myself over and over again, has left me void of feeling, and stripped of motivation to press on. I have lost my personal core telling me what the meaning of life is, as there has been so much dissapointment, and heartache. It is not good enough to simply be a good person, in this world. Success is the barometer by which we are judged by others, and determines the quality of life that we lead. The final push was my moving up to the tree house apartment. But now, I cant even muster up the energy to put a rug on the floor, or a picture on the wall. Because my head says For what? I have no interest in socializing, and my bed is my best friend. Yesterday I finally realized that I am seriously depressed. So now, what do I do? Should I pay someone to listen to the saga that has been my life, and ask them to give me a magic pill to make me happy? Depression is a terrible, terrible thing. On top of making you feel physically ill, you have to feel guilty for not feeling grateful. Sleep is the only escape. I keep thinking that if you sleep enough your brain will repair itself, and your body will produce some magical enzyme that will make you want to feel alive again.

How long I wonder, should I wait....
Weeder, I think you told us just a short while ago about what may be the best thing that can help you ...

Go to that gentleman's garden. I think it can help your healing start. :yh_flower

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:50 pm

Acc I remember her telling us about this gentleman's garden I think it might be a great healing spot for Weeder and worth a shot.

Weeder I understand your pain and wish I could help you feel happy again. But as they say it comes from within you will get yourself back I know it. I will say I had a very bad time for a while about 2 years ago. I spoke to my doctor about it and she put me on medication I took if for about a year and when I realized I was back to my old self again I got off of it. It did help me through a very tough time emotionally. :-4 We love you and are here for you always.

[QUOTE]Weeder, I think you told us just a short while ago about what may be the best thing that can help you ...

Go to that gentleman's garden. I think it can help your healing start. [/QUOTE]

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 3:50 am

Here I am. I couldnt write for a while because I was so embarassed. It is unusual for me to reveal being frightened. To have done it here is very selfish, as my online friends cant get in touch with me, and so I caused worry. I have been working in the mans garden. Working there in the early morning, and working in the restaurant at night. Im sure that that is part of the problem. Working, too much all of the time. No R&R. No time to just be. Not enough laughing. No friends around. The issues causing my depression to flare out of controll, have their roots planted in a place where there is no self worth. I guess this happens over the span of a lifetime. I know where much of this comes from. But fixing it? I dont know how I will do that. Feeling the way I have been, I know that I will have to decide to get some kind of help. It is generous of all of you to share with me your experiences with feeling the same way that I described. Over the past few days, I have been stunned to accept that this is where I would come to fall apart. Isnt it amazing that a person would come here, searching for relief? Must be a valuable place. I need you all to forget I had a public melt down. Because I need to save face, and I will never be able to write about anything else here, if my image is that of an unstable lunatic. How will I ever be able to offer anyone else advice about anything, if Im not in good shape? Forgive me for the hysteria. I have vowed to stay away from the keyboard when I am out of controll, and only come here, when I have uplifting comments to share. That is what all of you good people deserve, as you all have your share I lifes problems, and knowing me is not supposed to be a burden. I do thank you for all of your concern and support. On the list of issues that fuel my illness is my dissapointment, often, in the way people treat each other in this world. My gift to all of you is to tell you that here, in this place, you all reaffirm my youthful belief that there are good and caring human beings around us. And that is very good medicine.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 4:35 am

That was no meltdown. A very strong tree swayed in a gale wind. Winds die and then it's forgotten.

It never occurred to me, but of course a professional gardener considers working in a garden as work, not necessarily relaxation. :yh_doh I was thinking more of sitting amongst the plants for a couple hours and letting their healing power wash over.

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:05 am

I have definately not perceived you as you described, Laura. You are a beautiful human being, a friend. Strong, and caring. You and I are alike...we're human. I still admire you and respect you. I wrote my long post to let you know that you are not alone and that I care. Your posts move me because I can relate to many of your feelings.

Just wanted you to know.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 12:27 pm

Weeder tell us about the man GARDEN if you can get out of it long enough. :wah: Sounds like you need to take a day or 2 off and do totally nothing..:-6

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 2:40 pm

I am going to be off from everything next Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. My best friend from Georgia is coming to visit. I know we will have a great time just being together. Ill weite more later.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 3:07 pm

weeder;847769 wrote: I am going to be off from everything next Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. My best friend from Georgia is coming to visit. I know we will have a great time just being together. Ill weite more later.

EXCELLENT!!!!

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 3:33 pm

Hello Laura:-4

Just popping in for a bit since I'm not home right now. I haven't been able to read your whole thread, but I want you to know that you're not alone. We all feel so lost and scared of our decisions and future many times. That's what life is....very scary. You can do all the right things and still find low ebbs in life.

You are a strong, vibrant woman who will get through this....it takes time to find another niche sometimes but you're searching and that takes time. You know that you're not in a good place and you're moving on and looking for solutions.

All of my best wishes are with you love.....we all care so much about you and know you'll make good choices.

Sending sunbeams to you:-6

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:27 pm

Weeder

There's nothing to be ashamed of - you have to experience everything to give advice - on everything...

I'm sure your looking forward to your friends visit - enjoy - laugh

Have a good time

Patsy

watermark · Post by **watermark** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:53 pm

Wow oh my you of the forumgarden are the best! How is it that you're so genuinely loving to someone you've most likely never met? thank god for humanity is all I can say. :-4

Weeder, it's okay to be depressed and lethargic, and all those other things. We know it's not the whole of you. We've all experienced these feelings to some degree. Hope you get your engine reved up soon but even if not, carry on your ways, we aren't here to judge you. (You aren't are you? Well if you are then strike all I just wrote NOT EVEN kidding about that last thing)

luv,

one of your supporters

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:57 pm

Watermark

Good to see you .!

And yes there are many good souls here

Thank God for Humanity..

Patsy

watermark · Post by **watermark** » Sat Apr 26, 2008 9:02 pm

Patsy Warnick;847939 wrote: Watermark

Good to see you .!

And yes there are many good souls here

Thank God for Humanity..

Patsy

It's good to be here again and see your name, Patsy Wranick! :guitarist