DoI or Dont I

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:45 pm

My brother in law has terminal cancer. Iwent to see him late last year and alth ough he wasnt well he looked good and we had a lovely visit. Yesterday I was talking to my sister and he has gone down hill very fast and is very depressed. I love him like a brother and it is breaking my heart to think of him suffering. My problem is I have been thinking of going to visit him this weekend for the last time but do I want to rember him looking fairly good or do I want to remember him looking so ill. I would like to know what you would do. Thanks for any input:-4

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:48 pm

kayleneaussie;923229 wrote: My brother in law has terminal cancer. Iwent to see him late last year and alth ough he wasnt well he looked good and we had a lovely visit. Yesterday I was talking to my sister and he has gone down hill very fast and is very depressed. I love him like a brother and it is breaking my heart to think of him suffering. My problem is I have been thinking of going to visit him this weekend for the last time but do I want to rember him looking fairly good or do I want to remember him looking so ill. I would like to know what you would do. Thanks for any input:-4

If it were me, I'd have to go, no question.

Don't envy you though, just take it easy on yourself :-4

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:50 pm

Betty Boop;923231 wrote: If it were me, I'd have to go, no question.

Don't envy you though, just take it easy on yourself :-4

Thanks Betty

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:51 pm

Just go, and be there, and if he lets you, hold his hand. Just so he knows he is loved.

southern yankee · Post by **southern yankee** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:55 pm

kayleneaussie;923229 wrote: My brother in law has terminal cancer. Iwent to see him late last year and alth ough he wasnt well he looked good and we had a lovely visit. Yesterday I was talking to my sister and he has gone down hill very fast and is very depressed. I love him like a brother and it is breaking my heart to think of him suffering. My problem is I have been thinking of going to visit him this weekend for the last time but do I want to rember him looking fairly good or do I want to remember him looking so ill. I would like to know what you would do. Thanks for any input:-4

He may want to say good bye to you. I have friend who is dying. she is trying to get all her ducks in a row. like saying good bye to everyone who was and is important in her life. i think you should.

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:56 pm

along-for-the-ride;923236 wrote: Just go, and be there, and if he lets you, hold his hand. Just so he knows he is loved.

Thats what I would like to do but as I dont visit often as we live a long way away I dont want him to think I am visiting because he is dying and making things worse. I do ring every week. Ohhhhhhhhh I dont know I am just so confused and upset:-1

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:58 pm

I would be more concerned that he may want to see me and not so much my own comfort level for lack of better words. I would go. Most certainly. Be there for him. In the end you'll still remember him as he was when he was healthy. Our minds have ways of coping with that.

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:00 pm

southern yankee;923239 wrote: He may want to say good bye to you. I have friend who is dying. she is trying to get all her ducks in a row. like saying good bye to everyone who was and is important in her life. i think you should.

I dont think he would be thinking like that. He is fighting to live and at the moment thinks he can beat this horrid thing but unfortunatley it has taken over his whole body. He refuses to believe he is dying:(

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:00 pm

Be there for him - you'll regret it if you stay away.

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:02 pm

I honestly have no advice, never been in that situation but maybe id go so to lend my sister some support too. Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you Kay x:-4

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:03 pm

Bryn Mawr;923245 wrote: Be there for him - you'll regret it if you stay away.

Thanks Bryn

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:03 pm

kayleneaussie;923240 wrote: Thats what I would like to do but as I dont visit often as we live a long way away I dont want him to think I am visiting because he is dying and making things worse. I do ring every week. Ohhhhhhhhh I dont know I am just so confused and upset:-1

Kaylene, he knows he's dying. You aren't going to make things worse by seeing him. What if you chose not to go and regretted it? Nobody wants to be in your situation and I feel badly for you. We're all going to go through it in one way or another. Maybe think of it like this....God forbid if it were your time, would you not want a chance to see, to touch, your loved ones before you go? Your answer may be different from his, I realize but it's something to consider. Death is part of life. It shouldn't be hidden or treated as a terrible thing.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:05 pm

kayleneaussie;923244 wrote: I dont think he would be thinking like that. He is fighting to live and at the moment thinks he can beat this horrid thing but unfortunatley it has taken over his whole body. He refuses to believe he is dying:(

Well in that case, think about going anyway. If you do decide to go, you'll know what to do and say once you get there. I'm sure of that. I don't think your presence would be a reminder that he's dying but rather a reminder of your love and support.

And I hope I don't sound preachy. I sure don't mean to.

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:07 pm

RedGlitter;923250 wrote: Well in that case, think about going anyway. If you do decide to go, you'll know what to do and say once you get there. I'm sure of that. I don't think your presence would be a reminder that he's dying but rather a reminder of your love and support.

And I hope I don't sound preachy. I sure don't mean to.

Thanks Red, I appreciate your input:-4

G#Gill · Post by **G#Gill** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:24 pm

Kay I feel for you love. Not an easy decision under the circumstances, however, I would go. He knows you are a long way away, so visits can't be very often, he will understand this. So when you turn up to visit him, he will be so pleased to see you. As others have said, he needs to know he is loved, and his loved ones are there for him, even though he believes he is not dying, he will still love to see you Kay. The others are quite right --- it isn't for you Kay, it is for him.

Thinking of you and your family :-4:-4:-4

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:30 pm

G#Gill;923258 wrote: Kay I feel for you love. Not an easy decision under the circumstances, however, I would go. He knows you are a long way away, so visits can't be very often, he will understand this. So when you turn up to visit him, he will be so pleased to see you. As others have said, he needs to know he is loved, and his loved ones are there for him, even though he believes he is not dying, he will still love to see you Kay. The others are quite right --- it isn't for you Kay, it is for him.

Thinking of you and your family :-4:-4:-4

Thanks Gill:-4:-4

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:31 pm

It is a good idea to go, it isn't ever easy. You will always remember him the good way. You don't have to worry what to say or anything, just sit there, say hi, and everything else you will know what to do.:-4

I went to see my friend at hospice on Thursday. So frail and weak, still half awake and cognizant of those around her. I didn't stay a long time, 10-15 minutes. I talked to her, I prayed with her, then I talked to her some more about things I knew she would want to hear. It isn't always easy to do these things, but you know you should see them when you have the chance. Because the chance can slip away before you know it, like she did the next day.

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:34 pm

chonsigirl;923263 wrote: It is a good idea to go, it isn't ever easy. You will always remember him the good way. You don't have to worry what to say or anything, just sit there, say hi, and everything else you will know what to do.:-4

I went to see my friend at hospice on Thursday. So frail and weak, still half awake and cognizant of those around her. I didn't stay a long time, 10-15 minutes. I talked to her, I prayed with her, then I talked to her some more about things I knew she would want to hear. It isn't always easy to do these things, but you know you should see them when you have the chance. Because the chance can slip away before you know it, like she did the next day.

Thanks for your input its helped a lot:-4

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:41 pm

Sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside Kay,

it's a hard decision to make but one you may live to regret whichever way you chose.

Go and say your goodbyes, tell him you love him, comfort him and your sister, sure you'll be upset when you see him but believe me those images fade and you start to remember him how he was when he was well.

My heart goes out to you hon. :-4

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:42 pm

chonsigirl;923263 wrote: It is a good idea to go, it isn't ever easy. You will always remember him the good way. You don't have to worry what to say or anything, just sit there, say hi, and everything else you will know what to do.:-4

I went to see my friend at hospice on Thursday. So frail and weak, still half awake and cognizant of those around her. I didn't stay a long time, 10-15 minutes. I talked to her, I prayed with her, then I talked to her some more about things I knew she would want to hear. It isn't always easy to do these things, but you know you should see them when you have the chance. Because the chance can slip away before you know it, like she did the next day.:yh_hugs

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:48 pm

abbey;923272 wrote: Sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside Kay,

it's a hard decision to make but one you may live to regret whichever way you chose.

Go and say your goodbyes, tell him you love him, comfort him and your sister, sure you'll be upset when you see him but believe me those images fade and you start to remember him how he was when he was well.

My heart goes out to you hon. :-4

Thanks Abbey:-4

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:52 pm

abbey;923272 wrote: Sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside Kay,

it's a hard decision to make but one you may live to regret whichever way you chose.

Go and say your goodbyes, tell him you love him, comfort him and your sister, sure you'll be upset when you see him but believe me those images fade and you start to remember him how he was when he was well.

My heart goes out to you hon. :-4

I went to see my Aunt shortly before she died of cancer and I was shocked at how ill and in pain she looked but I would never have forgiven myself if I had stayed away.

I remember her at her best and love her for the love she always gave me - going to say goodbye was payback time and helped me accept her passing.

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:56 pm

chonsigirl;923263 wrote: It is a good idea to go, it isn't ever easy. You will always remember him the good way. You don't have to worry what to say or anything, just sit there, say hi, and everything else you will know what to do.:-4

I went to see my friend at hospice on Thursday. So frail and weak, still half awake and cognizant of those around her. I didn't stay a long time, 10-15 minutes. I talked to her, I prayed with her, then I talked to her some more about things I knew she would want to hear. It isn't always easy to do these things, but you know you should see them when you have the chance. Because the chance can slip away before you know it, like she did the next day.

:-4:yh_hugs

Carolly · Post by **Carolly** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:57 pm

Hard one babe....bloody hard......and I can see exactly where yer coming from.Let me tell you something......my mother died the day after she came out of hospital....she came back here and really should not have come out of hospital.....anyway her screams the next day was so bad that they still haunt me....the doctor I called...he called an ambulance.....she wouldnt go....she couldnt swallow any pain killers....he wouldnt inject her.....my other half stayed by her side...I could not go up those stairs....I just couldnt....I managed in the end to get the hospice doc out to her....she was dying he said as he walked in...she died 15 minutes later.....I didnt even want to go and see her in death thinking how terrible she would look.....but I went upstairs and saw the most amazing thing....a woman...free of pain with a smile on her face....and thats what I remember.....am I sorry I didnt go upstairs when she was screaming in pain....no Im not.....my other half was there and she didnt even know him......I could not have handled it..its that simple...also I remember a face at peace when I think of her and not one that was twisted in pain.Selfish.....yes of course it is but something I dont regret....she knew I loved her....and when you love people you dont want them to see you in pain and suffering so.....from the day we are born we are dying....only dont know when.....the time for hugs...kisses and loving someone is now.....so we can look back and remember those times....when somebody is at deaths door and because of the pain they are in they are drugged up....they are in their own private place....like my mother was when my other half heard her say something that shook him and it wasnt to anybody in this life......at the end of the day Kay no matter what anybody says you HAVE to do what you feel is right for you......he knows you love him and as I have said....would he want you to see him like that.....just be there for his wife and the rest of the family....you will all be hurting but through each other you will find comfort and remember the happy man you all loved so......whatever you decide Kay is not going to be easy................

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:57 pm

Bryn Mawr;923287 wrote: I went to see my Aunt shortly before she died of cancer and I was shocked at how ill and in pain she looked but I would never have forgiven myself if I had stayed away.

I remember her at her best and love her for the love she always gave me - going to say goodbye was payback time and helped me accept her passing.

:-4:yh_hugs

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 4:00 pm

Carolly;923294 wrote: Hard one babe....bloody hard......and I can see exactly where yer coming from.Let me tell you something......my mother died the day after she came out of hospital....she came back here and really should not have come out of hospital.....anyway her screams the next day was so bad that they still haunt me....the doctor I called...he called an ambulance.....she wouldnt go....she couldnt swallow any pain killers....he wouldnt inject her.....my other half stayed by her side...I could not go up those stairs....I just couldnt....I managed in the end to get the hospice doc out to her....she was dying he said as he walked in...she died 15 minutes later.....I didnt even want to go and see her in death thinking how terrible she would look.....but I went upstairs and saw the most amazing thing....a woman...free of pain with a smile on her face....and thats what I remember.....am I sorry I didnt go upstairs when she was screaming in pain....no Im not.....my other half was there and she didnt even know him......I could not have handled it..its that simple...also I remember a face at peace when I think of her and not one that was twisted in pain.Selfish.....yes of course it is but something I dont regret....she knew I loved her....and when you love people you dont want them to see you in pain and suffering so.....since the day we are born we are dying....only dont know when.....the time for hugs...kisses and loving someone is now.....so we can look back and remember those times....when somebody is at deaths door and because of the pain they are in they are drugged up....they are in their own private place....like my mother was when my other half heard her say something that shook him and it wasnt to anybody in this life......at the end of the day Kay no matter what anybody says you HAVE to do what you feel is right for you......he knows you love him and as I have said....would he want you to see him like that.....just be there for his wife and the rest of the family....you will all be hurting but through each other you will find comfort and remember the happy man you all loved so......whatever you decide Kay is not going to be easy................

Thanks Petal, its given me something to think about :-4:-4

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 4:05 pm

kayleneaussie;923240 wrote: Thats what I would like to do but as I dont visit often as we live a long way away I dont want him to think I am visiting because he is dying and making things worse. I do ring every week. Ohhhhhhhhh I dont know I am just so confused and upset:-1

I certainly do not want to upset you more at a time like this. If you can go see him...do. If you can't, continue to ring him up as you have been doing. I'm sure he will always have a place in your memory and heart either way.

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 4:22 pm

Thanks so much to everyone. I have now decided I will go. His daughter has a baby son that I havent seen yet so I will be happy and sad. I will ring my sister tonight.:-4

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:24 pm

I think you'd regret it, if you didn't go.

Keep the spirits up - maybe take old photo's to reminise & Laugh at.

Maybe cook his favorite dinner - or arrange & give your sister & Brother IL time alone.

I've been thru this too many times

We'll be thinking of you.

Patsy

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:33 pm

Bryn said it best I would go if you can you may regret it if you don't.

It won't be easy.

[QUOTE]Be there for him - you'll regret it if you stay away.[/QUOTE]

Luvdawgs · Post by **Luvdawgs** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:40 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, kaylen. All my thoughts go out to him and your family and friends.

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:49 pm

Just want to thank you all for helping me make this decision :-4:-4:-4

mrsK · Post by **mrsK** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 11:09 pm

Go:-4:-4

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:25 am

I'm glad you've decided to go, for what it's worth I know you're worried about seeing him in pain and the physical changes that may have happened but I don't think you'll focus on that too much.

Years ago my husband's best friend was dying, we went to see him in the hospice and he looked very different, so different that my husband almost walked past him. It was distressing at the time but now I have no memory of it - I only remember him as he was before he was ill.

In my experience of death and the way it affects people you will be glad you went to see him, it will be hard and it will be horrible but it is so worth it. :-4 to you all.

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 3:23 am

Kay, im glad you got such a lot of good advice here, and im so glad you decided to go:-4 If you love him like a brother im sure he loves you like a sister and will appreciate you making the effort to go and see him. Its hard ,, for you,, and for him, but times come along like this that we just have to go through, and i agree with so many that you would probably regret it if you didnt go. Treasure the time you spend with him and make it worthwhile:-4:-4

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:31 am

Thanks Kaz.

Rang my sister tonight and my BIL is now in Pallitive care as he went downhill over night. My isiter is going to let him know I will be there Saturday so I am hoping things go ok. Once again thank you everyone for helping me make this decision:-4