What should I do?
What should I do?
First of all let me tell you my mother-in-law passed away May 27th of this yr. My husband and his brother are excutors of her estate. He has a sister who is manic-depressive, is 70 yrs. old and weighs 315 lbs. She is fine as long as she stays on her meds.and stays in this state home. Anyway my husband and I have been working our behinds off trying to clean up all of his mothers 94 yrs of junk to get ready for and auction. Her house stinks because at the last she did not feel like getting up to let her dog out so it pood and peed on the carpets and anywhere else she could hike it. When I got home today I had a very nasty message on my machine from my sister-in-law telling me to stay out of her mother things that they are personal and she wants to go thru her things and wants most of her stuff. I am very hurt as I have put long hours in cleaning up this house. This women does not really need this junk as she does not have a place to store it. She lives 150 miles away and depends on one of the caretakers to bring her up. She is so heavy she can't stand more then a few minutes as her legs give away with her. My husband says he doesn't want her around. What should I do, just stay away and let my husband have to do all the work or go ahead and help for his sake. He has a brother and another sister who will not help except themselves to the money after the estate is settled. I'm hurt and in a quandry as I feel I should help my husband with all this work. Someone help me see this more clearly.
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Accountable
- Posts: 24818
- Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 8:33 am
What should I do?
Do what you need to do. Have your husband deal with his sister.
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nvalleyvee
- Posts: 5191
- Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:57 am
What should I do?
flopstock wrote: Sometimes you are SUCH a MAN! :wah:
She's trying to help her husband, not become one more thing he has to deal with here!
:wah: :wah: Yes by all means - document the hours you have already put in and charge the estate and then do as Flop says - hire someone to do the rest and take that money from the estate. It's too bad you can't dump everything on your sis-in-laws lawn, sorry, not helpful but people like that really get my goat. How dare she get on YOU for trying to help in a very difficult situation. If need be you can tell her to hire her own attorney (at her personal cost) to get what she wants - afterall she has nothing to do with the administration of the estate, and your Mom-in-law did that for a specific reason. Good luck and I admire you for trying to help.
She's trying to help her husband, not become one more thing he has to deal with here!
:wah: :wah: Yes by all means - document the hours you have already put in and charge the estate and then do as Flop says - hire someone to do the rest and take that money from the estate. It's too bad you can't dump everything on your sis-in-laws lawn, sorry, not helpful but people like that really get my goat. How dare she get on YOU for trying to help in a very difficult situation. If need be you can tell her to hire her own attorney (at her personal cost) to get what she wants - afterall she has nothing to do with the administration of the estate, and your Mom-in-law did that for a specific reason. Good luck and I admire you for trying to help.
The growth of knowledge depends entirely on disagreement..........Karl R. Popper
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Accountable
- Posts: 24818
- Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 8:33 am
What should I do?
To quote many a Utahn I knew: Oh my heck!
Husband tells sis: Shut up or help - unless you want a noogie (okay, that last isn't realistic, but it may get a laugh)
The politics of female is OH-GOD-THANK-YOU foreign to me. the sibling thing is more familiar territory. The whole family could be in their 90's and the marriage could be 75 years strong and the sister-in-law is still an in-law. The husband should run interference with his sister.
I like the money idea as well. Do 'em both.
Husband tells sis: Shut up or help - unless you want a noogie (okay, that last isn't realistic, but it may get a laugh)
The politics of female is OH-GOD-THANK-YOU foreign to me. the sibling thing is more familiar territory. The whole family could be in their 90's and the marriage could be 75 years strong and the sister-in-law is still an in-law. The husband should run interference with his sister.
I like the money idea as well. Do 'em both.
What should I do?
Bridgett-
-This sounds bold, but tell the rest of the family "put up or shut up" outright tell them either help or we dont want to hear one single comment afterwards.
I agree with the others document, document, document.
-This sounds bold, but tell the rest of the family "put up or shut up" outright tell them either help or we dont want to hear one single comment afterwards.
I agree with the others document, document, document.
What should I do?
Er, guess I have a little bit different take on it than the rest... this is a very
rough situation for all concerned. I've recently gone through something
similar myself.
I think instead of jumping around "money" "lawyers" all that... you should
try to just be calm inside yourself. Quietly go on doing what you are doing
and realize how stressful it is for EVERYBODY. Water off a duck's back
and all that. Erase the message and try to put it out of your mind. I do
know how hard that is, believe me. But anything else is just eating YOU
up and not doing a darn thing to your sis-in-law. Don't let anyone have
that kind of power over you.
Maybe what you could do is try to get some of your mother-in-law's
things that you think might mean something to the sis-in-law and set
them aside carefully in a nice box. What kind of things? Well, I know things
that mean a lot to ME and maybe they would to her... things like the
purse my mom carried when she married my dad. Or pictures. Or hats. Or
gloves or hankies, or old letters from a loved one. Maybe you might be able to make
some headway with that approach. And if not, well, it's not so much to
do, really.
I think you are right to try to help your husband.
rough situation for all concerned. I've recently gone through something
similar myself.
I think instead of jumping around "money" "lawyers" all that... you should
try to just be calm inside yourself. Quietly go on doing what you are doing
and realize how stressful it is for EVERYBODY. Water off a duck's back
and all that. Erase the message and try to put it out of your mind. I do
know how hard that is, believe me. But anything else is just eating YOU
up and not doing a darn thing to your sis-in-law. Don't let anyone have
that kind of power over you.
Maybe what you could do is try to get some of your mother-in-law's
things that you think might mean something to the sis-in-law and set
them aside carefully in a nice box. What kind of things? Well, I know things
that mean a lot to ME and maybe they would to her... things like the
purse my mom carried when she married my dad. Or pictures. Or hats. Or
gloves or hankies, or old letters from a loved one. Maybe you might be able to make
some headway with that approach. And if not, well, it's not so much to
do, really.
I think you are right to try to help your husband.
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Accountable
- Posts: 24818
- Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 8:33 am
What should I do?
Thank you Valerie. that's what I said, without a woman's finesse.
What should I do?
flopstock wrote: Hire cleaners and appraisers to do the work. Have the fees paid by the estate. Anything she feels she's entitled to is deducted from her share of the proceeds.
I say take yourselves out of the middle of this mess. Let professionals handle it and she can deal with them. I say -pay you and your husband the going wage for the work you've put in..out of the estate, before anything is split up. And then take him for a little 'getaway vacation' where no one can contact you...
:)
Bridget, I agree with flop- let professionals do the work and get paid for it from estate funds. There's an old tired saying but unfortunately so very true: "MONEY is the root of all evil"! It comes between Relatives & friends without discrimination!
Stick by your Husband, support him as he will need your help in this mess.
Good Luck!!
I say take yourselves out of the middle of this mess. Let professionals handle it and she can deal with them. I say -pay you and your husband the going wage for the work you've put in..out of the estate, before anything is split up. And then take him for a little 'getaway vacation' where no one can contact you...
:)
Bridget, I agree with flop- let professionals do the work and get paid for it from estate funds. There's an old tired saying but unfortunately so very true: "MONEY is the root of all evil"! It comes between Relatives & friends without discrimination!
Stick by your Husband, support him as he will need your help in this mess.
Good Luck!!
Cars 
What should I do?
Thank all of you for your support, I actually have tears in my eyes that you would care enough to help me. They are all great suggestions but there are no professionals in this rather common community of 1000 people. Valerie I agree I should not let her get me riled up as I'm the one suffering not her. She says she has hired a lawyer to be sure she gets what is hers. Also listen to this: I was telling my husband about the message which I did erase because I was so upset.
His response was well get along with her because when holidays roll around her and that french poodle will be staying here. She stays a week when she comes to Grandma's house which will be sold. I have three bedrooms which our kids use because they all live at least 150 miles away. I told him we didn't have room for her. His response was "Well make room." She weighs over 300lbs. and just sets around. He moved her in with us about 13 years ago and I moved out for a week until he got her an apt. He always stands up for her and he knows what a $itch she can be. A long time ago she was causing us trouble and I called her a bad name and he hit me so hard I fell down and was four or five months pregnant at the time., so I know I have a REAL PROBLEM ON MY HANDS. I told him this morning i didn't think i should go in to help anymore and he got very hostile and started yelling at me.
Do I sound like the big baby he says I am. If I do I'm sorry. :-5
His response was well get along with her because when holidays roll around her and that french poodle will be staying here. She stays a week when she comes to Grandma's house which will be sold. I have three bedrooms which our kids use because they all live at least 150 miles away. I told him we didn't have room for her. His response was "Well make room." She weighs over 300lbs. and just sets around. He moved her in with us about 13 years ago and I moved out for a week until he got her an apt. He always stands up for her and he knows what a $itch she can be. A long time ago she was causing us trouble and I called her a bad name and he hit me so hard I fell down and was four or five months pregnant at the time., so I know I have a REAL PROBLEM ON MY HANDS. I told him this morning i didn't think i should go in to help anymore and he got very hostile and started yelling at me.
Do I sound like the big baby he says I am. If I do I'm sorry. :-5
What should I do?
Oh geez. WTF do you mean "he hit me"??? That right there is cause for you to pack it in, Bridget. No "man" (and I use that term loosely) has the right to hit his wife. EVER.
Dammit, didn't I just go through this with 2 other members here? This is starting to actually pi$$ me off....why, WHY are women still putting up with this kind of behavior from their husbands??? :-5
This is NOT acceptable, this is NOT ok, this is NOT a "one-time-thing."
Bridget, you need to go to your husband, right now, and say "I am not having your mean, spiteful, lazy crude sister in MY home for the holidays, or any other day." Why should you subject yourself to this? He's married to YOU. He is supposed to back and support YOU. You deserve it, you earned it. I gotta go think about this some more, because I am getting highly aggitated. Him hitting you is NOT OK!!!! The mental and verbal abuse is NOT OK!!! UNACCEPTABLE!!!!
And you do NOT sound like a baby, you sound like a woman in trouble.
Dammit, didn't I just go through this with 2 other members here? This is starting to actually pi$$ me off....why, WHY are women still putting up with this kind of behavior from their husbands??? :-5
This is NOT acceptable, this is NOT ok, this is NOT a "one-time-thing."
Bridget, you need to go to your husband, right now, and say "I am not having your mean, spiteful, lazy crude sister in MY home for the holidays, or any other day." Why should you subject yourself to this? He's married to YOU. He is supposed to back and support YOU. You deserve it, you earned it. I gotta go think about this some more, because I am getting highly aggitated. Him hitting you is NOT OK!!!! The mental and verbal abuse is NOT OK!!! UNACCEPTABLE!!!!
And you do NOT sound like a baby, you sound like a woman in trouble.
[FONT=Arial Black]I hope you cherish this sweet way of life, and I hope you know that it comes with a price.
~Darrel Worley~
[/FONT]
Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN?????
We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.
~Darrel Worley~
[/FONT]
Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN?????
We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.
What should I do?
All abooooard! Cause here we go again! BR, you said it perfectly.
Bridget, I'm here to tell you that any man worth his salt doesn't hit women, ever.
As a matter of fact, your husband lost the right to call himself a man when he hit you.
Put your foot down. No more hitting or you bail.
Say, did I miss something? Isn't there a will? The brother and the sister should each get half, shouldn't they? As for the huge, old battleaxe, the next time she calls tell her that if she wants some of the stuf, she can come over and help with the cleaning process.
oh...and if she's really that old and overweight, don't worry, she won't be around too much longer to trouble you.:wah:
Bridget, I'm here to tell you that any man worth his salt doesn't hit women, ever.
As a matter of fact, your husband lost the right to call himself a man when he hit you.
Put your foot down. No more hitting or you bail.
Say, did I miss something? Isn't there a will? The brother and the sister should each get half, shouldn't they? As for the huge, old battleaxe, the next time she calls tell her that if she wants some of the stuf, she can come over and help with the cleaning process.
oh...and if she's really that old and overweight, don't worry, she won't be around too much longer to trouble you.:wah:
All the world's a stage and the men and women merely players...Shakespeare
What should I do?
You know I've been thinking about this mess all morning and the next time he starts nagging me to go in and help, I'm going to find an excuse and not go. If his sister comes up and starts tearing through all the stuff we have organized that will be his problem. I am a very nervous person and do not need this in my life. He knows after 45 years of marriage that I will let him walk over me , beat me, cuss me just so long then I go balistick. I have never laid a hand on him because he would kill me. The reason I stay is first when the kids were little I couldn't leave and take the kids. No money and how could I work with four kids to take care of. it wasn't like it is now. no safe houses, no public aid. Now we have through hard work a sizable estate which I refuse see some other woman enjoy. He may make my life miserable but I'm staying and to the finish line. Call me a fool and I know I am but I have sweat blood to get what we have.
What should I do?
Well! if nothing else...I applaud your fortitude and courage!
(jives bows graciously)
(jives bows graciously)
All the world's a stage and the men and women merely players...Shakespeare
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Betty Boop
- Posts: 16987
- Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2005 1:17 pm
- Location: The end of the World
What should I do?
Bridget wrote: You know I've been thinking about this mess all morning and the next time he starts nagging me to go in and help, I'm going to find an excuse and not go. If his sister comes up and starts tearing through all the stuff we have organized that will be his problem. I am a very nervous person and do not need this in my life. He knows after 45 years of marriage that I will let him walk over me , beat me, cuss me just so long then I go balistick. I have never laid a hand on him because he would kill me. The reason I stay is first when the kids were little I couldn't leave and take the kids. No money and how could I work with four kids to take care of. it wasn't like it is now. no safe houses, no public aid. Now we have through hard work a sizable estate which I refuse see some other woman enjoy. He may make my life miserable but I'm staying and to the finish line. Call me a fool and I know I am but I have sweat blood to get what we have.
What are you talking about!!! You leave now you get a lawyer and you get half!!!! Whats stopping you???
What are you talking about!!! You leave now you get a lawyer and you get half!!!! Whats stopping you???
What should I do?
Well, now I'm REALLY at a loss!
I was going to try and have some compassion for people who lose
their 94 year old mother, who must what, be all in their 60's and 70's?
But you've stayed with a man who hit you when you were pregnant?
45 years of marriage?
This is just so much stuff, no none of us are professionals but heck fire,
woman, we try to help and then you come up with him walking all over
you, beating you, and cussing you? You don't say anything about your
adult kids but this is way way more than I can even process right now.
I'm with BR, WTF?
You're going to stay and have a miserable life to the finish line? Ooh,
yay, just what the doctor ordered. Enjoy your miserable life, then.
Sit there and wallow in it instead of getting a grip.
Unbelievable.
I was going to try and have some compassion for people who lose
their 94 year old mother, who must what, be all in their 60's and 70's?
But you've stayed with a man who hit you when you were pregnant?
45 years of marriage?
This is just so much stuff, no none of us are professionals but heck fire,
woman, we try to help and then you come up with him walking all over
you, beating you, and cussing you? You don't say anything about your
adult kids but this is way way more than I can even process right now.
I'm with BR, WTF?
You're going to stay and have a miserable life to the finish line? Ooh,
yay, just what the doctor ordered. Enjoy your miserable life, then.
Sit there and wallow in it instead of getting a grip.
Unbelievable.
What should I do?
Ok - I do know that you are eligible for half of it - no matter what he says..The estate could take up to a year to get finsihed..Are you safe there? If not - get out...Do your kids love him? Do they know what you have gone through - Maybe you can "vacation" with them when you leave...I can honsetly say- My X did quite a number on me after my breast surgery - ended his butt in jail and me back in the hospital...BUT he hit when he drank - He is sober, I am remarried, my kids have the best of both worlds, and everyone is happy- Life can move on..I never knew there was help out there until a boss I had informed me..I was afraid to leave for the same reasons - 4 small kids....But I did, I had to live in the "projects" and start over..It sucked but I SUCKED IT UP and got away...Honey don't get hurt becuase you think u are "owed" something....U will be entitled to more then half if you stayed at home and rasied the kids also....Just talk to someone - they know the laws...Everything he has is half of yours.....BE CAREFUL.......Don't get to bold until you make the choice of leaving - Bad Evil Men - cause woman to end up dead....
~~The Family~~
Happiness is knowing where you come from...
Who you are...
And why you are here.....
What should I do?
Valerie I realize you can't figure out why I stay. I told you I knew I was a fool and I am. Not to worry I have plans if things get out of hand. I know I could get half of the things we have acquired and may be forced to do so. Like I say I will take so much then I will blow a gasket. He knows that too. But in all fairnest to my husband our life has been pretty good the last 13 years. But now he really believes I won't leave him. Let him believe that. I manage all the money of our business and he knows that if I leave that will be put in frozen assets. He can't touch a cent of it till something is settled. I may be a fool but I'm not stupid. The main reason I wrote to you all was because of his dominating sister and I'm afraid I have told you too much. I'm sorry to spill my beans and appreciate everthing you have all said to me. Haven't you ever felt like life was getting you down and you needed to unload, well that was the way I felt yesterday. I needed someone to tell me if my actions were right or wrong about this mess of his mothers estate and his sister. You made me see it for what it was, especially you Valerie. Please don't discount me because I didn't dump him years ago. Like I said unless the fist start flying again I'm staying because I can see light in my future. If the Lord takes me first then I still win.
What should I do?
Ok all bets are off Bridget! After reading your last post about your husband "hitting" you, then he is not deserving of your support, and your sticking by him. I'm sorry but He sounds like a "looser", who in fact doesn't support you, but actually goes against you! You need to look out for number one & that's you. Because he's certainly not looking out for you, in fact he hurt you!!! Like others have already said, get a lawyer to work out the details on the house, and while you're at it, you may even want to consider having him work out the details of your getting, & taking your half of "your own estate"!! :wah:
Cars
What should I do?
Bridget wrote: Not to worry I have plans if things get out of hand.
Don't you mean "when"? Or, "they already have"??
Bridget wrote: Like I say I will take so much then I will blow a gasket.
How much more do you have to take? Him murdering you?
Bridget wrote: He knows that too. But in all fairnest to my husband our life has been pretty good the last 13 years. But now he really believes I won't leave him. Let him believe that. I manage all the money of our business and he knows that if I leave that will be put in frozen assets. He can't touch a cent of it till something is settled. I may be a fool but I'm not stupid. The main reason I wrote to you all was because of his dominating sister and I'm afraid I have told you too much. I'm sorry to spill my beans and appreciate everthing you have all said to me. Haven't you ever felt like life was getting you down and you needed to unload, well that was the way I felt yesterday. I needed someone to tell me if my actions were right or wrong about this mess of his mothers estate and his sister. You made me see it for what it was, especially you Valerie. Please don't discount me because I didn't dump him years ago. Like I said unless the fist start flying again I'm staying because I can see light in my future. If the Lord takes me first then I still win.
It won't be "the Lord" taking you first, it'll be your husband taking you out.
You said so much because you know it's wrong. You think that's uncommon? For a woman to "accidentally" mention that she gets hit? There's no accident there at all.
You are no different from many women I know: "Unless the fists start flying again"...I've heard it so many times. Once by a woman who is now dead, at the hand of her husband.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's the same everywhere. The women who truly want help and take the help available, make it. The ones who don't...well, they are still being abused to this day. That is if they're still alive. If it all comes down to money for you, I can't help you. It's not an easy change to make, but it does find you peace. And peace is worth more than any amount of money.
This is not a joke, Bridget. Living in fear, or in misery is not living at all. The help is there for you to have your own life, free of fear, free of abuse, whatever form it comes in. All you have to do is ask for it. If you won't even do that much for yourself, I'll concentrate my efforts on someone who wants it.
Don't you mean "when"? Or, "they already have"??
Bridget wrote: Like I say I will take so much then I will blow a gasket.
How much more do you have to take? Him murdering you?
Bridget wrote: He knows that too. But in all fairnest to my husband our life has been pretty good the last 13 years. But now he really believes I won't leave him. Let him believe that. I manage all the money of our business and he knows that if I leave that will be put in frozen assets. He can't touch a cent of it till something is settled. I may be a fool but I'm not stupid. The main reason I wrote to you all was because of his dominating sister and I'm afraid I have told you too much. I'm sorry to spill my beans and appreciate everthing you have all said to me. Haven't you ever felt like life was getting you down and you needed to unload, well that was the way I felt yesterday. I needed someone to tell me if my actions were right or wrong about this mess of his mothers estate and his sister. You made me see it for what it was, especially you Valerie. Please don't discount me because I didn't dump him years ago. Like I said unless the fist start flying again I'm staying because I can see light in my future. If the Lord takes me first then I still win.
It won't be "the Lord" taking you first, it'll be your husband taking you out.
You said so much because you know it's wrong. You think that's uncommon? For a woman to "accidentally" mention that she gets hit? There's no accident there at all.
You are no different from many women I know: "Unless the fists start flying again"...I've heard it so many times. Once by a woman who is now dead, at the hand of her husband.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's the same everywhere. The women who truly want help and take the help available, make it. The ones who don't...well, they are still being abused to this day. That is if they're still alive. If it all comes down to money for you, I can't help you. It's not an easy change to make, but it does find you peace. And peace is worth more than any amount of money.
This is not a joke, Bridget. Living in fear, or in misery is not living at all. The help is there for you to have your own life, free of fear, free of abuse, whatever form it comes in. All you have to do is ask for it. If you won't even do that much for yourself, I'll concentrate my efforts on someone who wants it.
[FONT=Arial Black]I hope you cherish this sweet way of life, and I hope you know that it comes with a price.
~Darrel Worley~
[/FONT]
Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN?????
We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.
~Darrel Worley~
[/FONT]
Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN?????
We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.
What should I do?
well i AM a "professional". and i have only one thing to add...he hits you again, you call the cops and sign an assault and battery charge if that is required (i don't need the person to press charges here, i can do it)...then you see the nearest judge and based on his arrest, you get a no contact and restraining injunction. then you ask the judge for an eviction order as well! cold, ruthless, and necessary. you will be holding all the cards at that point. steel yourself and do it. no sentiment here, just the facts. as i told another member here...respect yourself enough to do it, and develop some courage. bullies are only bullies until the cops show up. don't leave home in the ME's van. i see that in most of the women who share your attitude.
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nvalleyvee
- Posts: 5191
- Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:57 am
What should I do?
Get out! An ex of mine hadn't hit me in over 2 years (I had him arrested every time he hit me) but I could see it building in him. One day he came home and bent me over the kitchen counter and said I'm going to hurt you and I won't leave any marks this time. The kids started screaming and he threw me into the laundry room and locked the door. This man was so dumb he forgot there was an outside door in the laundry room. I went next door and called the police. When he came home the next day, with flowers in hand, he was greeted with changed locks and a restraining order.
The growth of knowledge depends entirely on disagreement..........Karl R. Popper
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Accountable
- Posts: 24818
- Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 8:33 am
What should I do?
My earlier advice was for a husband. You don't have a husband, so please disregard.
You need professional help you cannot get here. Statistically, you'll stay & take his sh*t sandwich and say "at least it's a meal" forever because you believe there is not anything better for you - or if there is that you don't deserve it.
I only pray the statistics are wrong this time.
I'm out.
You need professional help you cannot get here. Statistically, you'll stay & take his sh*t sandwich and say "at least it's a meal" forever because you believe there is not anything better for you - or if there is that you don't deserve it.
I only pray the statistics are wrong this time.
I'm out.
