Single, Childless and ‘Downright Terrified’

[RedGlitter]

Okay I've caught myself feeling this same way, even though I'm not near elderly. My biggest fear is being thrust into a nursing home and dying alone in neglect and my own filth. It's kind of sobering to know I've boxed myself into this situation by my own life choices. Anyone else?



July 29, 2008, 9:03 am Single, Childless and ‘Downright Terrified’

By Jane Gross





It’s tough to rely on one’s children and tough to care for a parent. But who cares for the single and/or childless people? — Posted by Cathy.

I’ve never married, have no children and, apart from my mother, do not have a close family. I have a “caretaker’’ personality, helping elderly neighbors, new parent neighbors, pet owner neighbors (and homeless pets), but there is no one to take care of me¦. I am downright terrified. — Posted by EMC.

Many of us who are unmarried and without children are wondering who is going to care for us when the time comes. — Posted by Kathleen.

As a single childless woman, I share the fear of my readers, above, and no amount of financial preparation for a prolonged old age calms me. For sure, my long-term care insurance policy will buy me a home health aide and pay to retrofit my house if I’m able to remain here, or contribute to care in another setting. I have the luxury of savings and a mortgage that will be paid off by the time I’m 70. If I need a geriatric case manager, I’ll probably be able to afford one. I count my blessings.

But, having witnessed the “new old age’’ from a front-row seat, I’m haunted by the knowledge that there is no one who will care about me in the deepest and most loving sense of the word at the end of my life. No one who will advocate for me, not simply for adequate care but for the small and arguably inessential things that can make life worth living even in compromised health.

My friend Esther has my health care proxy and will use it wisely, I know. But with a large family of her own, she cannot be my daily mainstay, as I was my mother’s (and she was hers). My friend Jill’s grown daughters have vowed, in their words, to “feed me creamed spinach’’ when the time comes. My reply: “You’ll only be able to do that, my darling girls, if your own parents don’t need you at the same time.

Another friend, Ann, shares my fantasy of setting up joint housekeeping, assuming she outlives her husband. Our thinking goes something like this: If one of us can see and the other hear, if one of us is mobile and the other cognitively intact, we’ll muddle through as long as we can and then pool our insurance premiums to hire home care. We’d prefer to use the benefit for a masseuse and a manicurist but know it would be a hard sell to persuade MetLife that those were the kinds of “activities of daily living our policies cover.

I’ve written before about pairs or small groups of unrelated women who are already doing this, some even constructing houses designed for their old age. But these arrangements, however cozy and comforting, exist outside the law, since friendship remains, and likely will always remain, an unsanctioned relationship with none of the legal rights granted to parents, children, spouses and, in some locations, domestic partners. Friends helping friends through illness or old age is a luxury of those who can afford to do it with no help from the government or their employers.

The handful of benefits available to family caregivers are not available to friends who have taken on the identical role. The most obvious example of this is the Family Medical Leave Act, which excludes friends (and also siblings!), even if they are around-the-clock caretakers, as I was for a beloved colleague during a 10-month siege of brain cancer. An A.C.L.U. attorney, at the time, was chomping at the bit to file a class-action lawsuit to try and establish that right, with me as the lead plaintiff. But — and here comes another “count your blessings’’ moment — my employer voluntarily cut me all the slack I needed and I was not about to reward generosity with litigation.

All of this came to mind last month when I stumbled upon an essay in The Boston Globe by Rebecca Tuhus-Dubrow. She examines the “second class’’ status of friendship in “the American hierarchy of relationships’’ and describes a nascent movement to grant it legal status. The subject seems ripe for conversation at a time when more and more of us are approaching old age outside of nuclear families.

[Patsy Warnick]

"GOLDEN GIRLS" weren't too far off this issue.

Yes, RED - I certainly can relate to this letter.

I have no children - My husband has no children

since I recently had my experience with the in-laws,moving into a retirement center, FIL died, etc..

Like looking in a mirror.....

Patsy

[RedGlitter]

Patsy Warnick;935125 wrote: "GOLDEN GIRLS" weren't too far off this issue.

Yes, RED - I certainly can relate to this letter.

I have no children - My husband has no children

since I recently had my experience with the in-laws,moving into a retirement center, FIL died, etc..

Like looking in a mirror.....

Patsy


Glad I'm not the only one, Patsy. I started taking stock of things in my thirties and people said I was worrying for nothing. But....I'm an only child, most of my family is dead and I rarely am in contact with my cousins, their choice not mine....I have no husband and no kids. I'm screwed. Or it feels that way sometimes. I have great friends but most of my close ones are my own age or even older so that's not much help either.

[RedGlitter]

grecianurn;935137 wrote: I can understand how you feel, I have my own attacks of the horrors of getting old! but having children doesn't necessarily mean you'll be looked after and not alone when elderly - children have their own busy lives even if they live close by, sometimes families fall out and, sadly, parents and children can become estranged.

You're still young, enjoy it! :-6


Thank you GrecianUrn for the nudge, I know you're right. I just had to make a living will recently and it kind of made me start thinking of this stuff again and then -poof- there was that article.

I know what you mean about no guarantee. I have seen that several times with my own family, I'm sad to say. My grandmother had five children for instance, and when she took ill, it was left up to my aunt and mom to take care of her. The men shied away or couldn't be bothered. I'll never understand that. I know everyone has their own stuff going on, but it just has always seemed to me that your parents bring you up and make sacrifices for you...how can one not care for them in their final days?