what to do when you know it's ending...

emil_tveschat · Post by **emil_tveschat** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 5:28 pm

please read before you judge.

my wife and i have been married 3 yrs, but we have beenliving like roomates or siblings, we have no relationship other than sharing a last name.

i have no way to express how bad i feel everyday, i feel like a house guest or a house sitter.

i live to make life easy on myself so as not to bring any attention to my own shortcomings. i feel trapped and can't think of how to keep my sanity and part ways peaceably. i would forfit anything i have to leave on good terms.

i used to have some confidence, now all i feel is guilt that i couldn't live up to a "standard" or "ideal"

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 5:42 pm

hello Emil, and welcome to FG. i notice you are a young man, what is it that makes you feel the fault is yours? and if indeed you must part, why do you feel it won't be "peaceful"? partings are painful, but sometimes for the best. is it hopeless?

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 5:45 pm

Has something happened to you to make you think you have to leave..Are you not in love with this woman? And maybe you feel she thinks things are normal and is still in love with you? No one here will judge you - but most of the time -give you very good advice...Hang in there and welcome to the FG...

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 6:14 pm

Damn, you are young. What happened to make you get married so young? Frankly, bluntly, I think that was your first mistake. But maybe you could give some more info before I (we) get much deeper into this?

Lots of people here will give you some great insight, Emil, maybe not what you WANT to hear, but what they think you should hear.

Welcome to FG, I hope you stick around a while. :yh_peace

emil_tveschat · Post by **emil_tveschat** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:01 pm

thanks for you comments

my wife and i dated for 3 yrs before getting married, i was in the military and maybe she fell for the all together soldier who was starting life anew.but i was jaded by the military i was sick of being told what to do. but i can look back and say that was the most stress free time, no bills, no mortgage no debt , maybe i was coddled by it.

as to being too young, well i have been living life day to day. and not thinking into the long term. i feel like my lives a mess and i don't want to drag down someone i care about with me.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:05 pm

emil_tveschat wrote: thanks for you comments

my wife and i dated for 3 yrs before getting married, i was in the military and maybe she fell for the all together soldier who was starting life anew.but i was jaded by the military i was sick of being told what to do. but i can look back and say that was the most stress free time, no bills, no mortgage no debt , maybe i was coddled by it.

as to being too young, well i have been living life day to day. and not thinking into the long term. i feel like my lives a mess and i don't want to drag down someone i care about with me.
So then, maybe it's not your marriage that's the problem?

I do believe that's the first time I ever heard someone say the military "coddled" them...

emil_tveschat · Post by **emil_tveschat** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:12 pm

after reading through comments i will give more detail so as to make my position clear.

my wife and i both have had a face to face and we have both said, were better off on our own.

i don't regret ever, regret makes you resent, so i feel everything can be a learning expirience.

we have financial responsibility but no children 1 year ago we were trying to have a child, but my wife is in the national guard, she went away for 2 weeks in germany. she came back with a new attitude:

no kids i want to renlist i want to party and go out. go get your friends and leave me alone.

i feel guilt because thats how i am treated, i know it but my wife has a way of twisting minor issues into my fault. i have never hear her apologize without explaining why it's her fault , the whole time with comments "quit whining" "grow up"

i like to think i have a easy going manner i let things roll off my back, i move on but

when things aren't "peachy" betwen us i get the cold shoulder for days..

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:20 pm

Well, taking what little I know of the story I'd say your wife has an independent streak in her that she didn't count on having to give up (to an extent) when she got married. It also sounds like she is thinking she might be missing out on something by being "tied down" at a fairly young age. If you don't look forward to your marriage as being the possibility to do more and be more with your partner, and instead look at it as a cage, there will never be success.

Someone else jump in here...help me out. I don't think I'm expressing fully what I mean.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:25 pm

it's hard to give opinions/advice to someone who comes to FG with their first post and asks for marital advice...we don't "know" him or his persona, or all the facts. i would be very hesitant to offer an opinion.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:32 pm

lady cop wrote: it's hard to give opinions/advice to someone who comes to FG with their first post and asks for marital advice...we don't "know" him or his persona, or all the facts. i would be very hesitant to offer an opinion.
Good point. When I have a problem with Bullet I usually come here and get input, or just ask you about it. I'm used to getting answers here, and I guess I like to be able to give them when I can. But you're right, not knowing someone makes it infinitely more difficult.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:35 pm

BULLET??? PROBLEM??? NAH! LOL he's a love! tell him hi for me!!

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:40 pm

lady cop wrote: BULLET??? PROBLEM??? NAH! LOL he's a love! tell him hi for me!!
Oh I KNOW you know better than that!!! :yh_rotfl

But I will definitely say hi from you!

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 8:35 pm

I believe when a person comes here asking what they should do, they already know the answer. They are either not ready to face the facts, or want something or someone to blame.

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 10:01 pm

Far -honey write this down

......."Mom does not agree with you".........OUCH! (even though - I would of loved to hear that out of a certain mans mouth years ago....after treatment:-4 )

My input......LIFE IS TO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY! IF you think or she thinks life is greener on the other side of the pasture - then go discover it....If you both have the same feelings...that this is more of a friendly relationship - then split as friends and finish this....Don't belittle each other and make out anyone to be the bad guy/girl.........Move on with your life- because when you find true love honey--you will know it! and to me...JMO- this ain't it!!

emil_tveschat · Post by **emil_tveschat** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 10:13 pm

thanks for you posts in reply.

i do take responsibility no ones finger is pointing at anyone else.

i think that getting different perspective helps to see the picture

3 people can all see the same thing or see differences.

it's hard to know what to do sometimes , because your an adult and your supposed to be responsible, there are those out there who abuse society and take advantage.

i spoke w/ a family member and they said , you were young and and you both realize that so maybe you can move on with out dragging each other down.

if you think about all the little things you share with someone thenone day those things dont matter and it's time to put it away and turn forward.

i know the tough love approach, and it's an expirience to hit your self and say what was i thinking. but to learn from it will put things in a better light.

to be honest, for those who say 1st post martial issues jezz.., i don't have the ability to just spill the beans to a counselor or therapist. talking anonomously helps me ..so go with whats comfortable. thanks all again.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 10:16 pm

i have empathy for you Emil, my son is your age.i would hate to see him so hurt. it's just i don't know you. there are two sides. i wish you all the best!

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:46 am

emil_tveschat wrote: please read before you judge.

my wife and i have been married 3 yrs, but we have beenliving like roomates or siblings, we have no relationship other than sharing a last name.

i have no way to express how bad i feel everyday, i feel like a house guest or a house sitter.

i live to make life easy on myself so as not to bring any attention to my own shortcomings. i feel trapped and can't think of how to keep my sanity and part ways peaceably. i would forfit anything i have to leave on good terms.

i used to have some confidence, now all i feel is guilt that i couldn't live up to a "standard" or "ideal"

Hey Emil, sitck around ok and take everyones advise with a grain of salt and try not to let it feel insulting. We all come from all different sides of the coin with loads of experience. And if being annonmyous works for you that is cool. But if you feel this is a bigger issue may I suggest a councellor, minister, Family Doctor for professional advise. We here are happy to offer up anything from our own experiences and some of our opinions are vastly different but hey we are generally supportive and non-judgemental. Myself I would say, like others have..."if there is no hope, get out and look at this as a new fresh start and second chance." Only you can help yourself, you can't make someone stay married. If you both believe it is best to split do so, you still have many many years ahead of you, so look at this marriage as experience. It is more difficult that it sounds but in time it can work out. many of us here have done just what you are facing. It ain't easy, but in the end it is do-able. Please feel free to just come here and moan about it, and do remember we are not professionals but we are good listeners.

Good luck to you and keep your chin up.

emil_tveschat · Post by **emil_tveschat** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:47 pm

this a follow up as to whats been going on .

my wife, has had alot of "me time" that have been overnights

i am a bit pessimistic any way a little casual paranoia doesn't hurt.

needless to say it's time for me to find my own way, she seems to have found an out let for her behavior and it's come down to her giving me the cold shoulder, and her asking me " why are you still wearing that" looking at my wedding ring.

that doesn't hurt as much as her friends whom i see often out side of social situations, say hi and hows it going, when they are the ones who are used as alibies for her weekend getaways. it told one to her face that i feel like i am in a glass house that every one can see into but i cant see out, her reply was find someone else. and she walked away.

i don't think i am mean callous or rotten in any way. maybe i am not more aggressive about defending my feelings. i don't know

i don't like the idea of a "starter marriage" it sounds like a audition for disaster.

well i have to go with my spouse, to a family function at her parents house for 1 week , 8 hours from home i hope i can keep a level head, when her mother asks me when her grand children will be arrive.

i want to run away an join the circus anything to start over, but i am loyal to my obligations my family members say leave her, but i have no where to go

i would love to go out and do all the things i enjoy without having to think that i am tethered to home where i cant get free from.

well enough of this putting it all down puts me a bit at ease but airing laundry sometime attracts the neighbors stares.

thanks again everyone for you input .

scared20student · Post by **scared20student** » Wed Aug 17, 2005 7:43 pm

my boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 years and sometimes i feel the same way. i guess i can tell you to always stay calm. unless your spouse has done something major, like cheat, chances are it may not be the end of the world. And try not to say things that you dont mean, like mean comments for example. I always try to do that. If i dont then i just intensify the already bad situation. And believe me, it is easier said than done. Hang in there, and tell the person you love them.

alltaurus · Post by **alltaurus** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:01 am

Emil, I read your post and were wondering how you were doing.

You need to be strong for yourself. From the tone of your last post, she seems to have ended the relationship. It sounds as it may be for the best as it was bringing you down. Just remember to never blame yourself.

Life is to short to not be happy or live the way you want to live. You are young enough to start fresh, you have the whole world ahead of you.

Would love to hear from you!!!