How long does it take?

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 6:26 am

that's just former ownership angst. 'i don't want you but i don't want anyone else to have you'...normal.

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 6:30 am

saying - if you love them set them free

perhaps you are bitter? is your partner moving on & you are not?

polycarp · Post by **polycarp** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:33 am

It's only natural to feel that way for some time but time will heal your heart. You will be surprised to find out that you're indifferent about her new relationships. However, how long it will take for you to feel that way may vary from one person to another.

UK Geordie · Post by **UK Geordie** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:46 am

Get yourself out there and get yourself a 'new' woman in your life. It doesn't have to be a serious thing; just some fun!

You'll soon forget about your ex.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:50 am

anewlife wrote: Hi all -

How long does it take to get over another? I have been separated for 3 months now, but it still hurts to think of my X. One of the problems is that I have to see her often (2 kids). The odd thing is, I would not get back together if she asked, but I still feel hurt when I think of her with another.

Hey Anew, last I read I thought you were doing ok. Gosh miss a day miss a lot. Of course thinking of your X hurts. You had a good chunk of life together. How long it takes to recover depends on what you do with yourself. Might I suggest you keep yourself busy, hobbies, support groups, church, classes, new friends whatever. Take the hurt and use it to fuel you in a new direction. If your going to hurt, get out and work that off, a bike ride, a phone call and meet with a friend, a trip to the library and sit in the magazine section and read, just keep your mind busy and it gets easier to let go.

PS 3 months is still a short time span so of course you still hurt.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:13 pm

Normal totally Normal

Celtor · Post by **Celtor** » Wed Aug 03, 2005 7:17 pm

I met my "someone new" two months after my husband and I split and it still took me a long time to "get over" him. My new guy was going through a similar situation, complete with 2 kids from his former relationship, and I think he'd agree that there's definitely a long period of time where there is some level of pain associated with the ex. It's normal, even when you've moved on romantically it was the death of a relationship and it takes time to mourn. We both wanted to be out of our former relationships too.

The part that was hardest for us was that his ex wanted him back for awhile and then went through a very nasty period of anger and resentment towards us...trying to shield the kids from all the adult emotions was really difficult, but we all finally worked things out and almost two years later, we get along as well as can be expected.

Even if you don't move on anytime soon, you will have to come to terms with her needing to move her life on and do your best to make sure the kids' emotional well-being and welfare are first and foremost...but be honest about anything she does that seems like she's intentionally trying to hurt you...it happens, especially in breakups with kids, and it can get messy if left unchecked.

Celtor · Post by **Celtor** » Wed Aug 03, 2005 7:21 pm

Oh, and here's one way to think of it:

If she's with someone else, at least she isn't chasing after you, which would make her supremely unhappy and you miserable, as well as confuse the hell out of the kids. If she happens to find someone who makes her feel good about herself, then that's good for everyone (likewise for you, moving on will help a lot)...as the saying goes, when Mom's happy, everyone's happy.

Best of luck to you...things will get better

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 8:56 pm

anewlife wrote: Hi all -

How long does it take to get over another? I have been separated for 3 months now, but it still hurts to think of my X. One of the problems is that I have to see her often (2 kids). The odd thing is, I would not get back together if she asked, but I still feel hurt when I think of her with another.

Two years....definately two. No more and no less.....lol...really. Don't know why though......

alltaurus · Post by **alltaurus** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:09 am

After an 8 year relationship, it took me about a year to a year 1/2. The first 6 months were really rough, then it started to get a little better every day. I didn't date for a year and now that I look back I'm glad. I needed that time to heal and "re-discover myself". I needed to be over him and out of my depression before I moved on. Spending that time alone was the best thing I ever did. I really learned to love myself and found some great hobbies and nurtured my friendships.

I can look back now, 6 years later, and see what was sooooo wrong with that relationship. The one I am in now is so much more complete. I think I learned a lot from the experience.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:47 am

alltaurus wrote: After an 8 year relationship, it took me about a year to a year 1/2. The first 6 months were really rough, then it started to get a little better every day. I didn't date for a year and now that I look back I'm glad. I needed that time to heal and "re-discover myself". I needed to be over him and out of my depression before I moved on. Spending that time alone was the best thing I ever did. I really learned to love myself and found some great hobbies and nurtured my friendships.

I can look back now, 6 years later, and see what was sooooo wrong with that relationship. The one I am in now is so much more complete. I think I learned a lot from the experience.

Bravo I think we need to form a club of sorts for those of us who have left long term relationships and feel we have done well for ourselves. I am in the same boat. And yes take the time off alone and re-discover yourself, that is a brilliant suggestion. It worked for me too and I too look back at my past relationship and see so much wrong with it. And am now thankful for my second start in life.

alltaurus · Post by **alltaurus** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 11:01 am

Good to hear...it's so healthy for the soul!!!!

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 11:18 am

alltaurus wrote: Good to hear...it's so healthy for the soul!!!!

You have that right. Liberating to re-claim ones self.

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 12:24 pm

I'm pretty good at listening and normally find the right words to encourage and comfort....all I would say is ...life is like a book...part of your life story has been written and that can't be changed. Turn over the page and start a new chapter by writing the rest of your life story....you'll find that happy ending.

The irony of this is....I haven't got the courage to practise what I preach and I'm trapped in a 39 yr old marriage that I desperately need to escape from...oh well

Warm wishes...bez

SweetDarlin · Post by **SweetDarlin** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 12:27 pm

anewlife wrote: Hi all -

How long does it take to get over another? I have been separated for 3 months now, but it still hurts to think of my X. One of the problems is that I have to see her often (2 kids). The odd thing is, I would not get back together if she asked, but I still feel hurt when I think of her with another.days, weeks, months, years. The problem is it depends on how long it takes you to fill the gap they left. You have to be whole, within yourself. You KNOW you won't be together, but you still long for something. Find it. Fill the need. then the hurt will begin to fade.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 12:30 pm

Bez wrote: I'm pretty good at listening and normally find the right words to encourage and comfort....all I would say is ...life is like a book...part of your life story has been written and that can't be changed. Turn over the page and start a new chapter by writing the rest of your life story....you'll find that happy ending.

The irony of this is....I haven't got the courage to practise what I preach and I'm trapped in a 39 yr old marriage that I desperately need to escape from...oh well

Warm wishes...bez

Bez hunny anytime you need a boost in the right direction ask away some of us gals know where you are coming from.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 3:05 pm

Bez wrote: I'm pretty good at listening and normally find the right words to encourage and comfort....all I would say is ...life is like a book...part of your life story has been written and that can't be changed. Turn over the page and start a new chapter by writing the rest of your life story....you'll find that happy ending.

The irony of this is....I haven't got the courage to practise what I preach and I'm trapped in a 39 yr old marriage that I desperately need to escape from...oh well

Warm wishes...bez

Good luck to you Bez, I think the process is beginning!

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Wed Aug 31, 2005 4:04 am

I like to live by the 'no regrets' philosophy. Found that it helped. Don't regret what you had... the past is the past, but don't dwell on it, and don't be bitter. It was right at the time, but now it's time to move on. Sometimes it just takes time....

alltaurus · Post by **alltaurus** » Wed Aug 31, 2005 5:53 am

SuiteDarlin,

That was so nicely put!