British Humour

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:33 am

I'll credit spot for why I was doing this search.

Apparently all these jokes are a)funny b)funnier to British people than the rest of us

I used to dress off the peg, but now my neighbours take in their washing at night.

Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.

Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith.

Avenue Road

What's wrong with the old one?

(edit: ok. I get it)

Old Lady: Do you always play by ear?

Street Musician: Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.

What is white and furry and smells of peppermint?

A polo bear.

Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of aragon was bitten by a mad dog.

Tourist: Tudor?

Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.

There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:34 am

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."

"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."

"Why not asked the customer?"

"Because that's me husband."

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:51 am

Q: What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

A: Russel

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:56 am

:wah::wah:

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:44 am

What do you call a man standing in a hole?

Phil.

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:44 am

what do you call a man with a seagull on his head.

Cliff:D

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:46 am

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:47 am

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:50 am

Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my **** into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?

Doctor : Yes ... 'You're ****ing crackers.'

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:00 am

What do you call a woman on the horizon?

Dot

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud

What do you call a spider with no legs?

A currant

I could go on for hours...............:wah:

wardah · Post by **wardah** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:22 am

what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

sorted

wardah · Post by **wardah** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:29 am

what do you call a chav in a box?

innit

what do you call a chav in a locked box?

safe

ah i could go on for such a long time...

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:38 am

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

Dyathinkhesaurus

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:56 am

koan;786641 wrote: Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard":wah:

koan;786650 wrote: Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my **** into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?

Doctor : Yes ... 'You're ****ing crackers.'
These really tickled me. :wah:

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:22 pm

I loved all those guys...very funny :-6

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carolly · Post by **Carolly** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:27 pm

Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish's forthcoming

wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Hamish. "I've got everything organised

already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the

minister, even ma stag night."

Dougal nods approvingly.

"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Hamish.

"A kilt?" exclaims Dougal. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that.

And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Hamish, "I imagine she'll be in white."

Carolly · Post by **Carolly** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:30 pm

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated

In the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied

Carolly · Post by **Carolly** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:32 pm

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of

Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, " I'm afraid not, they're dead

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:39 pm

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer.

She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use when logging on.

The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife's attention. When the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that

he is keying in "penis"...

His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:43 pm

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.

I had the car out in thirty seconds.

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?

The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.

I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

I said 'What for?'

He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:

'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.

I said: 'What for, Officer?'

He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:

'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.

I said 'What For?'.

He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said,

'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

I went to the doctor the other day

I said 'have you got anything for wind'

so he gave me a kite.

I've always been unlucky.

I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.

Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I'm on a whisky diet,

i've lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.

She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,

'I've got water in the carburettor,

I said 'Where's the car'

She said 'In the river'

I hurt my back the day.

I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:45 pm

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.

A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."

So I did, and I got it....

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check

tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a

condiment".

I bought my wife a wooden leg for christmas!

It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

I bumped into an old friend the other day.

He's got poor eye-sight as well!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.

He said Hundreds & thousands?'

I said 'We'll start with one.'

He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'

I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Guy goes into the doctor's.

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside

"How's that?"

"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

koan · Post by **koan** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 12:08 am

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

koan · Post by **koan** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 12:12 am

I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:31 am

Irish Wit, this is a true story. It always make me smile when I remember it.

I was driving in Achill Island off the coast of Mayo, when I mistook a passing Van for my friend's one, (as they were identical) and waved the driver to stop. When he stopped beside me and rolled down the window I realized at once it wasn't Dav, so I said,:

"Oh excuse me, my mistake, I thought you were someone else"

The driver said,

"Shure I am someone else"

And drove off.

:wah:

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:49 am

Re: British Humour

See the earthquake thread..:wah:

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Sat Mar 08, 2008 10:37 am

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p ... CDB9A93EC1

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:06 am

I love all of those shows.....but am I bovvered:wah:

Carolly · Post by **Carolly** » Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:14 am

Geezer selling knickers down an East End Market

Sexy Knickers.....Sexy Knickers......only 10p a pair....

Woman finks......cor thats cheap.....I will get some

When she gets home and looks at them they were rubbish

Holes....no elastic....all in a right state

So she rushes back to the Market and there he is still shouting

Sexy Knickers....come on girls have the night of yer life only 10p a pair!!!

The woman makes her way through the group of people listening to him and says

Oi mate!!Ive just bought a dozen pair of those fings and Ive been done!

He looked at her.....smiled and shouted.......

THERE YE GO...........ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER!!!

G#Gill · Post by **G#Gill** » Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:42 am

koan;787434 wrote: I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'

We went through a period when different people were ringing our phone number wanting to make contact with a portable building company. The reason this was happening was that we had the same phone number but were a different area code.

One week we were getting several calls each day ! The next time the phone rang, my son answered. A man the other end wanted to speak to a Mr. @>:_)& Managing Director. So my son said 'No you can't'. The man the other end asked 'Why not ?' so my son said 'Because you've been very very naughty !' and put the phone down. :wah::wah:

Slade1 · Post by **Slade1** » Wed Aug 20, 2008 2:58 pm

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar, he says to the barman 'I'm the hardest piece of asphalt there is! Don't ***** with me, I'll smash your face in 'cos I'm f*ckin' hard'.

The barman say ' OK mate, calm down we don't want any trouble' and the asphalt says 'I'm just saying, don't ***** with me, I'm hard'

Later on a red piece of asphalt coms in and starts shouting 'where's that piece of black asphalt? I'm gonna kill him, he's been going around saying he's the hardest piece of asphalt there is, now where the ***** is he?!?'

The barman looks around...no black asphalt, he say's 'sorry mate he's not here'. The red asphalt says 'If you see him, tell him I've been looking for him and if I see him again he's dead' the red asphalt leaves.

The barman looks around and eventually finds the black asphalt under the bar shaking, he says 'I thought you were the hardest piece of asphalt there was' to which the black asphalt replies 'Yeah, I'm hard, but he's a f*ckin' cyclepath'

Here all week.

Pinky · Post by **Pinky** » Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:47 pm

Stop me if anyone's done this one:

What do you call a man with fifty rabbits up his bum?

Warren.:wah:

Yup, us Brits love plays on words.

Pinky · Post by **Pinky** » Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:48 pm

Slade1;958319 wrote: A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar, he says to the barman 'I'm the hardest piece of asphalt there is! Don't ***** with me, I'll smash your face in 'cos I'm f*ckin' hard'.

The barman say ' OK mate, calm down we don't want any trouble' and the asphalt says 'I'm just saying, don't ***** with me, I'm hard'

Later on a red piece of asphalt coms in and starts shouting 'where's that piece of black asphalt? I'm gonna kill him, he's been going around saying he's the hardest piece of asphalt there is, now where the ***** is he?!?'

The barman looks around...no black asphalt, he say's 'sorry mate he's not here'. The red asphalt says 'If you see him, tell him I've been looking for him and if I see him again he's dead' the red asphalt leaves.

The barman looks around and eventually finds the black asphalt under the bar shaking, he says 'I thought you were the hardest piece of asphalt there was' to which the black asphalt replies 'Yeah, I'm hard, but he's a f*ckin' cyclepath'

Here all week.

:wah::wah: I love that one!

Pinky · Post by **Pinky** » Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:02 pm

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.:wah:

Pinky · Post by **Pinky** » Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:03 pm

Everyone knows this one:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eyed-deer (no idea):rolleyes:

Pinky · Post by **Pinky** » Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:07 pm

jimbo;958412 wrote: STAGering

Oh, stop FAWNing...:wah::wah:

Pinky · Post by **Pinky** » Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:14 pm

Barman;958427 wrote: You been drinking haven't you.:wah:

Oi!!! I have enough of a bad rep without you HERDing it along.

Pinky · Post by **Pinky** » Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:25 pm

Barman;958453 wrote: Hey, I'm doing really well you know. Three nights without a drink now.

First was March 9th, then June 11th and finally August 2nd.

:wah::wah: