A message from the Queen

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 8:54 am

See next post.

Disclaimer; Immy posts this in the knowledge that her dear friends at FG who reside in the USA have a sense of humour!!!! :-4:D:wah:

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 8:55 am

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing this word.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it!!

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue inFour Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4:00 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen !!!

PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends around the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor).

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:08 am

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:14 am

I love it, It looks as though Kansas will be their own country. I want to be King of Kansas Qeenie baby. Pick me pick me....

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:14 am

YZGI;992769 wrote: I love it, It looks as though Kansas will be their own country. I want to be King of Kansas Qeenie baby. Pick me pick me....

Then I get to be the queen:wah:

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:54 am

I received this a couple of months ago and didn't dare post it lol...

So funny:D

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:14 am

I'm moving to Kansas. :wah:

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:17 am

No-body would understand a word Gordon Brown is saying. He's scottish & allegedly had to "Downspeak" in order for those Essex folk to understand.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:21 am

#9 - the spelling is ketchup not catsup. Sounds like something the cat ate.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:21 am

Chezzie;992879 wrote: I received this a couple of months ago and didn't dare post it lol...

So funny:D
Chezzy, please tell me what the hell lol means. People have been texing it to me for months & i don't want to look dumb & text it back. It's driving me nuts!:mad:

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:23 am

qsducks;992958 wrote: #9 - the spelling is ketchup not catsup. Sounds like something the cat ate. ketchup is something the cat sicked up:wah:

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:25 am

oscar;992959 wrote: Chezzy, please tell me what the hell lol means. People have been texing it to me for months & i don't want to look dumb & text it back. It's driving me nuts!:mad:

laughing out loud

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:28 am

oscar;992959 wrote: Chezzy, please tell me what the hell lol means. People have been texing it to me for months & i don't want to look dumb & text it back. It's driving me nuts!:mad:

LOL = laughing out loud

LMAO = Laughing my a$$ off

ROFLMAO = Rolling on floor laughing my a$$ off

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:29 am

oscar;992963 wrote: ketchup is something the cat sicked up:wah:

It's spelled ketchup here. Catsup sounds too tomatoey:wah:

Post by **spot** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:47 am

qsducks;992984 wrote: It's spelled ketchup here. Catsup sounds too tomatoey:wah:

Believe me, "dressed not with catsup but with vinegar" was one of the highlights. Whoever wrote that entire piece on Her Majesty's behalf deserves a knighthood, it says all that needed saying.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:27 am

Is it really fair to burden America with her maj? They can just have Madonna back. I'm sick of her bothering the wildlife of England.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:29 am

oscar;993064 wrote: Is it really fair to burden America with her maj? They can just have Madonna back. I'm sick of her bothering the wildlife of England.

:wah::wah:

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 12:41 pm

oscar;992950 wrote: No-body would understand a word Gordon Brown is saying. He's scottish & allegedly had to "Downspeak" in order for those Essex folk to understand.

I can sympathise with that. Speaking to the English you I find have to speak slowly and try not to use complicated words of more than one syllable. I dare not say anything about Americans since they don't get proper humour.

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 12:50 pm

There is a reply which is equally funny:-

Message to the British People:

Attention to Orders!

In light of emerging threats to US Homeland Security (REF attch. 1), and in order to protect the threatened Royal Prerogatives in accordance with our long-standing principles of Royalism-by-proxy, the United States hereby declares the territory of Great Britain and Northern Island (sic) to by a Occupation Zone under temporary US Military Government. Military police detachments have been dispatched from NATO bases to arrest the British Army.

No action is planned against the Westminster/Downing St. complex, as interminable debate is not expected to impact events.

In order to prevent the recurrence of recent threats and create an example of benefits of American Democracy and Culture to the backwards nations of Old Europe, the following orders are issued and take effect immediately:

1. Lose the accents, y'all. We're not impressed. Speak English.

2. Fix up your spelling while you're at it. 'U' does not always come after 'O.' And if you're not going to say 'Worchestershire,' don't spell it 'Worchestershire.' You're going to save MAN-YEARS of effort just by going to 'Worstasure,' and not having to look at or type all those useless letters.

3. You can drive on whatever side of the road you like, but we'll be driving our tanks and SUVs on the right, like God intended. Lookout!

4. We want the names of the guys who designed all those roundabouts that the Army Corps of Engineers is commencing to blow up. They're taking a trip to Gitmo.

5. Once the Westminster boys have talked themselves to death, we'll be putting Prince Charlie in charge. The Tower of London will likewise be going back into regular business, so be sure to show plenty of appropriate respect to His Majesty.

6. You'll be delighted to know that we'll be ending that evil TV tax of yours. We'll just get you PBS instead of BBC. The BBC will of course continue as a production company creating the majority of programming for PBS. So nothing will really change, except you'll become acquainted with things called 'pledge breaks.' That's the price you pay.

7. You seem to be confused about what is and isn't food. Kidneys are not food, and anyone contaminating meat pies or anything with them is gonna do time. We're not going to ask about 'spotted d*ck,' and you'd best not tell.

8. McDonald's Restaurants will be installed on all blocks not having one already; just stick to a similar menu and you'll be fine.

9. Anyone caught using 'rhyming slang' is taking a trip to Gitmo.

10. Cricket takes too long. We figure that almost all spectators should live long enough to see the end of a sporting event. We'll replace it with our most leisurely sport, baseball. To ease the transition, we'll call it 'superfast cricket.'

11. You can continue fielding 'football' teams with nothing but kickers, but there's going to be some NFL teams on the schedule, and I predict sad results for your defensive line....

12. There will be some reforms to your judicial system. Say bye-bye to those silly wigs. How can you say 'Your Honor' and remotely mean it when the guy has this doormat draped over his head? There will be a person named 'Judge Judy' on your TVs to teach you modern judicial procedure.

13. "Telly" is a Greek nickname. The media centerpiece of your homes is called a TV (pronounced TeeVee). Practice saying this. It's the law, and we have an outfit named Blackwater that will be enforcing this one.

14. Are there ten lords a' leaping somewhere? We'd like to see that!

15. Your gasoline is going to be cheaper, but you're going to to have to pay the doctors more. You probably won't like this, but the doctors will like it a lot. Try to be happy for them.

16. We're replacing 'tea time' with a thing we call 'Miller Time.' This generic name for the end of work and the beginning of beer drinking bears the name of one of our most generic beers. Like, after the first dozen, who can tell the difference anyway?

(signed)

GEN. DWIGHT McARTHUR III

Commander

Supreme Headquarters American Expeditionary Force England

ATTCH:

1. Cleese, John, "A Message to the USA."

Now, I have some comments about this:-

Point 5 (we'll be putting Prince Charlie in charge) don't. He is even less in touch with reality than your politicians.

Point 8 (McDonald's Restaurants will be installed on all blocks not having one already) I believe this falls under cruel and unusual punishment and is, therefore illegal.

Point 10 (Cricket takes too long) True. Baseball is already played in Britain (by Brownies and Cub Scouts)- we just call it rounders.

Point 16 (Miller Time) How dare you imply that the fluid you call "Beer" bears any resemblance to real beer. (Note: This applies mainly to those fizzy waters produced by Miller, Coors, Budweiser, Pabst et al. - We are well aware that some beers produced in the USA are as good as ours - Law of Averages isn't it?))

For your further information, Americans will be welcome in the Independent Peoples Republic of Scotland on the production of acceptable references and satisfactory credit reports.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 12:53 pm

:wah::wah::wah:

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 12:54 pm

gmc;993170 wrote: I can sympathise with that. Speaking to the English you I find have to speak slowly and try not to use complicated words of more than one syllable. I dare not say anything about Americans since they don't get proper humour. Pardon??

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 12:57 pm

If you are the independant republic of Scotland, Why have we got Gordon Brown??

-1:-1

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:02 pm

That's obvious surely Shirley?

We don't want him.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:11 pm

Chookie;993196 wrote: That's obvious surely Shirley?

We don't want him. Hang on, we don't want him either

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:12 pm

Chookie;993196 wrote: That's obvious surely Shirley?

We don't want him.And stop calling me surely shirley Chookie Whookie

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:13 pm

oscar;993200 wrote: Hang on, we don't want him either

Maybe not, but you've got him -

AND YOU CAN KEEP HIM.

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:17 pm

Sarah Palin for Governor of Kansas?????

What will the Americans make of spotted dick and mushy peas???

My son lives in England. Do I now warn him to leave the country quickly, before it gets preemptively nuked???????

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:42 pm

:-5:-5:-5

And You Can Keep Him.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:56 pm

gmc;993170 wrote: I can sympathise with that. Speaking to the English you I find have to speak slowly and try not to use complicated words of more than one syllable. I dare not say anything about Americans since they don't get proper humour.
Nope, we prefer improper humor.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 2:47 pm

Hey Chookie, my cabinet & i have just had emergency talks. Under "Oscar's law", we are immediatly applying for the extradition of Gordon Brown back over the border to The Independent Scotland. He doesn't work any more & under our warranty, we want our money back.:sneaky:

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 2:49 pm

AussiePam;993204 wrote: Sarah Palin for Governor of Kansas?????

What will the Americans make of spotted dick and mushy peas???

My son lives in England. Do I now warn him to leave the country quickly, before it gets preemptively nuked??????? The queen likes a bit of spotted dick. God bless the Duke of Edinburough. He has his uses.

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 3:27 pm

He is not amused........................but I sure am.:wah:

Attached files

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:29 am

oscar;993322 wrote: The queen likes a bit of spotted dick. God bless the Duke of Edinburough. He has his uses.

*snigger*:sneaky:

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:32 am

Spotted Dick is nothing. We got "Toad in the hole" here. Camilla has her uses.:wah:

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 5:20 am

And we got "Fairy Cakes". Paul Burrell has his use as well.:sneaky:

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:35 am

oscar;993686 wrote: spotted Dick Is Nothing. We Got "toad In The Hole" Here. Camilla Has Her Uses.:wah:

oscar;993703 wrote: and We Got "fairy Cakes". Paul Burrell Has His Use As Well.:sneaky:
Pmsl!

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:06 pm

Imladris;993894 wrote: Pmsl! As i recently had to ask Chezzie what lol meant, could you please tell me what Pmsl means.? People have been texing me these things for months & i've never had a clue. TA very much

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:51 pm

gmc;993170 wrote: I can sympathise with that. Speaking to the English you I find have to speak slowly and try not to use complicated words of more than one syllable. I dare not say anything about Americans since they don't get proper humour.

:wah::wah: Indeed gmc....the Scottish people have proper humor

Hmmmmm....

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:14 pm

What kind of message is the queen sending I wonder

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:17 pm

Nomad;994723 wrote: What kind of message is the queen sending I wonder

OMG..........that's Toronto!:wah:

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 5:02 pm

:wah:Nomad;994723 wrote: What kind of message is the queen sending I wonder

Is this proper humor from the UK or Scotland:wah::wah::wah:

Post by **spot** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:51 pm

Nice legs, Nomie. You're looking good.

You took a trip to the San Francisco Bay Area?

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:12 am

Gosh I didnt notice the legs!! Love the pouch ...er, I mean pout!!!

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 2:42 am

oscar;994424 wrote: As i recently had to ask Chezzie what lol meant, could you please tell me what Pmsl means.? People have been texing me these things for months & i've never had a clue. TA very much

Peeing myself laughing!

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:56 am

Nomad;994723 wrote: What kind of message is the queen sending I wonder

Blimey, Fergi's let herself go hasn't she??

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 2:11 pm

Kathy Ellen;994749 wrote: :wah:

Is this proper humor from the UK or Scotland:wah::wah::wah:

I think it's one of nomad's holiday snaps. You wouldn't get anybody dressed like that in scotland-they'd have a woolly vest on at least.

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 7:11 pm

Is that black thing a fly whisk??? OOOOooooo, naughty!!!!

One bugbear of being a girl is that none of your clothes have pockets. Or not very useful ones. It must be uncomfy to have to pin your key to where this poor lady hasta pin hers.

:sneaky:

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:03 am

According to British papers today, power cuts are likely this winter due to the financial position of the U.K. One paper reports that "Even the queen will feel the pinch". It's that bloody Prince Andrew again.:wah: