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spot;1337936 wrote: Are you keeping count of the number of dead animals?

Believe me, you ain't seen nothing yet.


Nah, I figured it was commonplace after God moved on to wanting foreskins.

Genesis24

Abraham decides to find Isaac a wife from the old country and finds a servant for the task but makes him promise that Isaac will never be taken back there. The girl must come to them. They make a pact with a strange hand ritual that involves thighs. Assuredly no one ever spoke of it again.

The servant is a little jittery and goes over a plan in his head. He comes up with a list of "signs" from God that it is the right girl that reads like a secret agent encounter at the watering hole. "My, what nice jugs you have." "I inherited these jugs from my father. Your ass looks thirsty." pause "I come with news from the East."

Miraculously, the signs fall into place with the first lady. He follows her home and tells the story of his instructions and plan ver-freakin-batim... so you only need to read half this chapter.

oh, ok... at the end of 24 Rebekah sees Isaac and they fall instantly in love, get married and get it on. It was like a Disney ending.

Genesis25

Abraham got busy with a second wife and some concubines... to help lift his depression over Sarah's death, of course. He had six more legitimate children and some bastards. He left everything to Isaac and I don't think the names of his other children come up again so... chop.

Abraham "gave up the ghost" after that. It's the first time we hear speak of ghosts, but not the last. Presumably, Abraham's ghost was holy.

Ishmael comes back to help bury his father and we find out that he has twelve sons, who are princes, then Ishmael loses his ghost as well.

Isaac's procreation is a little slower. He has to beg God for some kids. Then, two for one, Rebekah has twins: Esau and Jacob. They are fraternal twins, notably different in that Esau is fur coat kinda hairy and Jacob is remarkably smooth. Isaac is fond of the hairy beast and Rebekah favours Jacob. This turns into quite the rivalry. Rebekah was foretold by God that the younger would be stronger than the elder but she might just have not liked hairy guys.

Esau is a hunter and Jacob a planter. Esau is struck by faintness one day and stumbles to Jacob for food and drink to save his life. Jacob makes him give up his inheritance for help. Esau agrees as possessions are no good to a dead man. There is mention of despising shortly thereafter.

Genesis26

Like father, like son.

Isaac goes into Gerar telling folks that Rebekah is his sister. Fool-him-once-but-you-ain't-fooling-him-twice Abimelech catches the two of them messing about in a non-sibling kind of way and confronts Isaac. Abimelech bypasses the curse part and just gives Isaac a bunch of land.

There is a famine and Isaac's land is the only produce that grows so he becomes wealthy. There is a little jealous spat of locals blocking his wells but Isaac prevails. Abimelech knows the drill and goes to set a truce with Isaac. I'm rather fond of Abimelech. He seems like he can take one to the jaw and still keep his head up.

We end with news that Esau took two wives. I hesitate to name them because they seem to disappear. (Judith and Bashemath)

The bible says it best: "Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah"

We don't know why they disappear but... God works in mysterious ways.

Genesis27

Isaac is getting old and mostly blind. He calls Esau to him, wishing to bless his sons before he dies. He tells Esau to fetch and prepare some venison the way he likes so he'll be strong for the blessing.

Rebekah overhears and, knowing Esau is the favourite, she convinces Jacob to impersonate his brother to gain the better blessing. Jacob, to his credit, is a little leery but Rebekah wins out. They have to pass impersonation tests with a blind man. How hairy is Esau? So hairy that they use the venison carcass to cover Jacob's hands. Ew. She dresses him in Esau's clothes, which apparently smell stronger than dead deer.

The ruse works and Isaac grants Jacob dominion over the land, possessions and household. This is why wills are now written on paper instead of given magically through blessings.

Of course the real Esau returns and Isaac has a fit. He still has one wish left so he grants Esau the might to slay his brother. Hate is a strong word but Esau is getting pretty close now. Rebekah, aware of the danger Jacob is in, maneuvers Isaac into sending Jacob away to find a wife since neither of them can stand the local girls. Presumably that's why we don't hear of Judith and Bashemath anymore. Lets just say Isaac disliked local girls more than he disliked Jacob at the time so... a lot.

Genesis28

Esau, having overheard his parents despising of his wives, leaves to get a new wife in the tradition of marrying relatives. We don't hear much about the new girl so you'd think it went better. Then again, we didn't hear much about the old girls either.

As much as we all like a bad guy to hate, Jacob camps out at the well in Beersheba and seems to have a guilt ridden freak out when God appears to him. If he were a really good bad guy he'd be smug when the Lord tells him he's inheriting Abraham's gifts but, instead, he makes an oath that he'll happily accept it only if he can one day return in peace to his father's home. Cute little fuzzy warm things.

"How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven."

Doesn't make me too eager to pick up that application.

k. that's it for tonight.

Chapter29 and 30 get all "Raise the Red Lantern" so hold on to yer bibles and tivo As The World Turns.

I'm looking forward to your description of the Lord talking thru....is it his Ass or Balaam's (numbers22)?









Sorry, couldn't resist.

please do tell if I've left out important details or chopped a name I'll need later.

Genesis29

So, Jacob, once a self-serving, inheritance stealing, blessing thief, has had some time to rethink his approach. The fear of a father's ire and being smote by one's brother can do that. Rather humbled, he comes upon a watering well and ascertains that it is used by the relatives he seeks. There is much ado about a stone over the well that must be rolled and Jacob performs this task, we imagine, with King Arthurly chivalry because it earns him a kiss from the fair maiden he wanted to impress.

There might be some foreshadowing with the stone regarding odd customs surrounding ordinary events.

He gets himself invited to Laban's house, which is where he wanted to be, and his bid for Rachel, Laban's youngest daughter, is accepted. They arrange that Jacob will work seven years for Rachel's hand in marriage. He is so smitten with the girl that the seven years fly by. "Give me my wife," Jacob demands.

A feast is prepared, the bustle of wedding preparations ensues, Jacob dresses in a tux, the Wedding March starts playing. Happy bride is walked down the aisle. She lifts her veil. Scritch! The music is torn from the phonograph. Zoom to close up of Jacob's horror stricken face. Leah, the eldest daughter, has been substituted. Some stomping, ale chugging and harsh words ensue. Laban explains that Rachel can't be married before her elder sister... "Traditional Law." Jacob might be feeling a little of what it's like to have to swear over your inheritance. He agrees to spend "a week" with Leah, at which point he can take Rachel as his wife as well... for another seven years of labour. Anyone else sense danger in marrying two sisters to the same man?

God sees that Jacob hates Leah and loves only Rachel so he makes Leah fertile and Rachel barren. Nowadays we call that "Murphy's Law." Leah bares Jacob four children so they must have been having some of that Angry Sex.

Genesis30

(I like to call this one: The Battle of the Bitches)

Leah and Rachel begin a war in which, instead of firing canons at each other, they fire babies out of groins. I'm sure Jacob developed migraines in this section of the bible, but to make up for it, he gets lots of nookie. Both women offer their maidservants to Jacob as well.

Despite all this, Rachel negotiates for Jacob to spend the night with Leah in exchange for some mandrakes that Leah's son finds in the field. Considering the extent of the battle between the two sisters, we might be tempted to think that mandrakes have special powers. Both sisters later have more babies, though Leah was supposed to be barren at that point and Rachel was always barren. But, we could probably chop the whole mandrake story out as it was God giving out blessings again and not the plant after all.

We don't know if God was answering the prayers of the women or of Jacob but the options were likely "grant me power and status over that stupid hag" or "please make them shut up for awhile."

Jacob had other problems to deal with. He tells Laban he wants to get his own place and needs to be given some resources in exchange for all the hard work he's done around the place. They come up with an agreement wherein Jacob can take only sheep and cattle that have markings and leave the rest.

This is the OT's first lesson in not making decisions based solely on appearances.

Jacob is able to selectively breed the marked beasts in a fairly short time so that his herd increases in numbers and strength while Laban's are left weak and thin. We don't like Laban very much at this point so we don't feel sorry for him.

We don't like his daughters very much either.

God's got one hell of a sense of humor

Wait til I tell my wife that God invented swinger parties.

Can we ask questions? Ok, did you actually see the word "nookie" in the Bible? And then I read that wrong, I thought it said "man jacks" and I could certainly understand that they would help to multiply, although I couldn't see why Leah's son found them in the field but what sort of "mandrakes" were they? The kind that promote conception or the kind that make you throw up? Or is that redundant?:-3

ZAP;1338411 wrote: Can we ask questions? Ok, did you actually see the word "nookie" in the Bible? And then I read that wrong, I thought it said "man jacks" and I could certainly understand that they would help to multiply, although I couldn't see why Leah's son found them in the field but what sort of "mandrakes" were they? The kind that promote conception or the kind that make you throw up? Or is that redundant?:-3


lol. ok, "nookie" is my translation... kinda like the noodles that Lot sought.

Mandrake isn't a common herb anymore but there was all kinds of lore from the past attributing aphrodisiac, painkiller and fertility benefits to the plant. More fun is the lore that says a person who pulls a mandrake root from the ground will go insane if he hears the scream it emits (the root looks like a little man) so the prescribed method of culling is to get a hungry dog, tie it to the mandrake tops and put wax in your ears to block the sound as the dog chases a hunk of meat in the other direction.

koan;1338479 wrote: lol. ok, "nookie" is my translation... kinda like the noodles that Lot sought.

Mandrake isn't a common herb anymore but there was all kinds of lore from the past attributing aphrodisiac, painkiller and fertility benefits to the plant. More fun is the lore that says a person who pulls a mandrake root from the ground will go insane if he hears the scream it emits (the root looks like a little man) so the prescribed method of culling is to get a hungry dog, tie it to the mandrake tops and put wax in your ears to block the sound as the dog chases a hunk of meat in the other direction.


:yh_rotfl Thank you so much for the clarification. That explains a lot. I think I've met some men who tried to pull the mandrake root from the ground. Wonderful image of the

dog chasing the hunk of meat. :wah:

ZAP;1338482 wrote: :yh_rotfl Thank you so much for the clarification. That explains a lot. I think I've met some men who tried to pull the mandrake root from the ground. Wonderful image of the

dog chasing the hunk of meat. :wah:


ya, don't think I won't be watching what they say about Reuben hereafter. He's the bloke who brought the mandrake home.

And Jacob beheld the countenance of Laban, and, behold, ... he was pissed

Genesis31

Jacob gathered his troops to make a break for it. He didn't trust his father-in-law as his wages had been changed ten times in deceitfulness. When he asked the allegiance of his wives they were disposed to stick with the guy who had God (and really good cattle) on his side. So they followed a stealth plan and took off on the sly. Little side note here that Rachel took "images" from her fathers home. ahem. ok. that explains a lot.

Aside: There's a little thing that hasn't been announced yet involving NOT worshiping other gods. This could be why Laban was crappy at his job and you can take this as a little foreshadowing that Rachel ain't gonna make it.

So Laban catches up to them, Rachel successfully hides her thievery, God warns Laban in advance so there is no epic battle, they just pile a bunch of stones up and call a truce. Oh, they kill an animal too. Personally, I have to wonder why God talks to jerks like Laban.

Genesis32

I haven't mentioned it but Jacob is on his way back to his father's house. He's just a little bit nervous about being smited.

We got ripped off on the epic battle of good(Jacob) vs evil(Laban) in the last chapter so they tease us with good(Esau) vs evil(Jacob) in this one. If you're wondering how Jacob can be both good and evil, you're not alone; he's wondering too.

His inner struggle becomes a literal struggle with a "man," maybe an angel, maybe God, but certainly no ordinary man, who can't defeat him but maims him by touching his leg resulting in a Holy Limp for the rest of Jacob's life. (Jews don't eat the sinew of the thigh of any animal now because somehow eating the dead animal is like eating Jacob.)

The setup: Jacob sent a messenger to tell Esau he was coming with a peace offering. Esau sent a messenger that he was coming to meet him with 400 men. Needless to say, Jacob was a little nervous so he split his camp into many so any greeting party, whichever it was, would only result in a small smiting before they could assess the situation. Don't get too excited, though. Remember how we got ripped off in the last chapter.

Times were tough! Worrying about being smited and eating the sinew of thighs.

Genesis33

"And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him:" unless Esau is a vampire now, I'm sensing no epic revenge scene. "... and they wept." Well, crying isn't an easy thing for most men to do.

Esau comments on the size of Jacob's family, they pat backs and have a wholesome family reunion.

I skipped mentioning that Jacob was renamed "Israel" in the last chapter, after the fight. Of all the things that don't happen in this chapter, calling him Israel is one of them.

Genesis34

This is a nasty bit of business.

Jacob and family build a house in Canaan. The prince of a nearby town kidnaps Jacob's daughter, Dinah, and rapes her. The prince wants to marry Dinah, and redeem his cretin-ish ways, so he sends his dad to speak with Jacob and smooth over the little kidnapping incident. The prince says he'll do anything to earn her. Anything?...

Simeon and Levi, two of Dinah's brothers, decide to handle this one themselves. They tell the prince that Israel's women can't wed uncircumcised men so, if he really wants Dinah, all the men of the town have to undergo the procedure. The prince agrees. I had a good joke here but the editor cut it out.

The two brothers went to town and slaughtered all the men on the third day when they were too sore to fight back. They also stole all their goods and all their women and children. This wasn't exactly subtle, or proportionate. Jacob found out, probably when he woke up and saw a bunch of refugees staring at him with hollow eyes while he tried to eat his breakfast.

Sensing this was going to be bad for his rep in the neighbourhood, Jacob decided they should move.

Genesis35

As when anyone finds themselves hunted by angry mobs, Jacob moved and changed his name. Although his name had already been changed, no one was calling him Israel yet so it still worked for the purpose. Otherwise he'd have needed a new one and the world would now be filled with "Children of NotJacob." I'm going with "NotJacob" for now because they seem to keep forgetting God changed it.

To aid in the fresh start, NotJacob made sure everyone got rid of their superstitious hoodoo voodoo crap that some had insisted on bringing along. Surely it was bringing them bad luck.

He buried it all at the old camp, though someone probably snuck a Nikkal-wa-Ib Pez dispenser into their backpack because Rebekah, his mother, and Rachel, his favourite wife, both died on the journey. Rachel died giving birth to a final son.

Rachel called the baby "Benoni" but she probably died mid-naming as NotJacob ended up calling him Benjamin. ("oni" is the sound she made as she died)

When NotJacob reached his father's house, Isaac died. Esau and his brother, who was not Jacob, buried their father.

At this point, NotJacob probably sought out the moron who was still carrying the Ba'al action figure doll and beat the crap out of him.

Genesis36

We get a little geneology of how things went with Esau. Esau, for an unknown reason, is renamed too. Realizing that these name changes are not sticking like they used to, the passage takes to repetition on the point.

Now these are the generations of Esau, who is Edom.

Thus dwelt Esau in mount Seir: Esau is Edom.

These are the sons of Esau, who is Edom

: he is Esau the father of the Edomites.

Basically, Esau moved further from Jacob's clan in an "I like you from a distance" kind of way. His children became kings and generally had a good time of it, though it keeps being said that Esau was wicked. I really haven't been able to figure out how the conclusion of wickedness is drawn. I haven't seen any evidence of it in the text.

Genesis37

Back to Jacob (being called the wrong name but I'm sick of fighting it so just call him whatever you want).

Jacob's favourite son was Joseph, because he didn't learn about the horrors of favouritism from his own childhood. He made Joseph a multicoloured coat just to make it more obvious. Being made to wear a rainbow coat nowadays would have the same result: he got bullied. Aside from the "coat of many colours," Joseph was a tattletale. He told his brothers every time he had a dream that they'd all bow down to him one day then he'd run back to daddy when they threatened him. His father wasn't too pleased when he got added to list of subservients. Most people would have wanted to beat the snot out of Joseph because he seems to have become a spoiled brat.

When he goes to look for his brothers one day, they see him coming and plot to kill him. Reuben, the eldest, gets a little conscientious and says "maybe we should just throw him in a pit," with the plan of rescuing him later. The other brothers wait until Reuben isn't looking, take Joseph's coat, and sell him to some Ishmaelites who are passing by on their way to Egypt. Reuben is distraught but they rally together to cover the coat in goat blood and return to Jacob with convincing evidence of the boy's death.

Jacob shreds his clothes and becomes non-functional for awhile. Donny Osmond does not sing in this version.

Genesis38

The story of Judah, Jacob's fourth son.

Judah had three sons, Er, Onan and Shelah. Judah got Er a wife, named Tamar. God slew Er for being wicked in the same way other people were wicked without apparent evidence... he just knew.

Judah told Onan to knock up his brother's widow but Onan liked having his own things so he practiced bad aim. Every sperm is sacred so God slew Onan too.

Judah told Tamar he'd marry her to Shelah when the boy was older but might have started wondering where the Lord's wrath was coming from because he didn't seem to follow through on his promise.

Tamar got tired of waiting so she dressed as a harlot to trick Judah into sleeping with her. When she became pregnant, Judah wanted to burn her for being a whore until he found out she was his whore... which somehow made being a whore okay again.

So, if you're going to be a whore, do so with the people who might want to kill you for it. Nowadays called blackmail.

Genesis39

Back to Joseph, who has now been sold to an Egyptian captain.

The captain noticed that Jacob was extremely lucky in everything he did and made the leap to figuring God liked the boy. He gambled that putting Joseph in charge of his entire estate would pay off in the long run. So, Joseph did quite well for a slave boy. He also got the attention of the captain's wife.

Joseph didn't fall for the boss's wife. She may have been unattractive, he might not have liked older women, or he might have seen what happens to bad slave boys in Egypt.

Not to be put off, the wife tries to trick Joseph into her bed but he runs away so thoroughly he leaves his clothes in her grasp. Picture a Joseph shaped hole in the wall. The nasty woman immediately plays victim, using the abandoned clothes as evidence.

Joseph is thrown in the slammer where he manages to get put in charge of everything once again, though not so in charge that they give him a set of keys.

koan;1338696 wrote: Genesis39

Back to Joseph, who has now been sold to an Egyptian captain.

The captain noticed that Jacob was extremely lucky in everything he did and made the leap to figuring God liked the boy. He gambled that putting Joseph in charge of his entire estate would pay off in the long run. So, Joseph did quite well for a slave boy. He also got the attention of the captain's wife.

Joseph didn't fall for the boss's wife. She may have been unattractive, he might not have liked older women, or he might have seen what happens to bad slave boys in Egypt.

Not to be put off, the wife tries to trick Joseph into her bed but he runs away so thoroughly he leaves his clothes in her grasp. Picture a Joseph shaped hole in the wall. The nasty woman immediately plays victim, using the abandoned clothes as evidence.

Joseph is thrown in the slammer where he manages to get put in charge of everything once again, though not so in charge that they give him a set of keys.Excellent.

Genesis40

Joseph is joined in gaol by the Butler, the Baker and the Candlestick Maker. We only hear about the Pharaoh's butler and baker though. Both of them have a dream one night and Joseph finds them looking sad the next morning. Are they sad because they're in jail? No. They are sad because there is no one to interprete their dreams. I suspect they ended up in jail because of misplaced priorities... or sounding like a segment from Sesame Street.

Joseph listens to their dreams, predicts that one will go back to service with the Pharaoh and the other will hang in three days time. He only bothers to ask a favour of the Butler, who will live. The Butler was supposed to tell the Pharaoh about Joseph being innocent and clever but failed to do so. Most likely he didn't want to remind the Pharaoh about the whole "me being in jail" fiasco.

Ahso!;1338699 wrote: Excellent.


I like the cartoon getaway.

Attached files

koan;1338704 wrote: I like the cartoon getaway.One is tempted to imagine that that may be fairly accurate in the physical sense.

Genesis41

Two years later, Pharaoh has a two consecutive dreams that are pretty much the same. Seven good things arise from the earth, then seven bad things, then the bad things consume the good things. He is deeply disturbed and none of his magicians or wise men can tell him what the dreams mean. At this point the Butler finds an opportunity to mention Joseph's abilities to the Pharaoh. Joseph is immediately yanked out of jail, washed, shaved, and given proper clothes to meet the Pharaoh.

We are retold the story of both dreams, even though they are pretty much the same, because Joseph needs a chance to hear them.

The dreams foretell seven years of good harvest followed by seven years of famine that will be harsh enough to erase memories of better times. The Pharaoh decides that Joseph should be put in charge of preparing to survive the famine since he was blessed with the vision. He showers Joseph with fineries, marries him to the daughter of an Egyptian priest, and basically creates a "Mini Me" to ride around in a second chariot with him. While some might say the Pharaoh was being generous, I think he was dodging responsibility.

When the famine hit, the Pharaoh told everyone to ask Joseph for bread. Luckily for Joseph, he had some to give.

Joseph had two children with the Egyptian wife. It struck me as "concerning" since the Children of Israel are "concerned" so much with their blood heritage.

Genesis42

Joseph has become the man of his own dreams. He went through some tough times that helped him mature from the snotty momma's boy he was when his brothers threw him in the dumpster. So all is as prophesied when his brothers show up asking to buy his corn. They arrive without their youngest brother, Benjamin, since Jacob doesn't seem to have bought their story about what happened to Joseph and refuses to let the other child of Rachel go with them.

Joseph recognises his brothers, though they don't know him, and he demands they bring Benjamin as proof they aren't spies and have been honest with him. He keeps Simeon to make sure they return.

As the brothers decide that they are being punished for their evil deeds, Reuben says "I told you so." That never fixes the problem but it makes him feel better so it's good he got it out of his system. They return to their father and Reuben offers his own children to Jacob as collateral for the safe passage of Benjamin.

Jacob doesn't find that deal attractive. He writes Simeon off as dead and goes back to having no short or long term plans.

Genesis43

When Jacob's food supply runs out he is faced again with the decision of allowing Benjamin to travel to Egypt with his other sons. "Why did you go and tell him you had a little brother in the first place?" "Because he asked!"

This plan of Joseph's is either convoluted or not thought out well at all. If he'd sold them less grain they would have come back sooner and been less fearful. To all appearances, Joseph is an elevated member of a heathen society. He's "the guy with the corn" not "the guy who brought a new religion to Egypt." Really, he's just torturing his father.

The brothers arrive in Egypt again with Benjamin in tow. Joseph rewards them with a lavish dinner then releases them to return. We can be sure that Joseph is steeped in the Egyptian pantheistic ways "because the Egyptians might not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination unto the Egyptians." So he had to send dinner to his brothers' table. He sent five times as much to Benjamin so the brothers are probably pondering the strange Egyptian's fascination with younger boys.

Genesis44

Joseph seems drunk with power as he focuses his plan on removing Benjamin from his brothers. He has a silver cup planted in Benjamin's sack so they can follow and arrest him upon leaving. His brothers repeat a whole lot of dialogue from the previous chapters summarizing how detaining Benjamin will kill their father. If we delete the repetition this is a very short chapter.

While we'd like to be on Joseph's side, seeing how his brothers tried to kill him, it's hard to admire his tactics.

Genesis45

Mention of his father's vulnerability seems to wake Joseph up like a slap in the face. He breaks down crying, sends the Egyptians out of the room, and reveals his identity. The Egyptians must have had drinking glasses to the door as word soon spread that Joseph's family had arrived. The Pharaoh gives his blessings for Jacob to bring everyone to Egypt.

"Also regard not your stuff; for the good of all the land of Egypt is your's." Ok... blessings don't really use the word "stuff" so it's more like a friendly clap on the back.

Jacob gets the news of Joseph's survival, sees all the wagons sent for them, and probably does an arthritic version of the Snoopy dance. However it went down, "the spirit of Jacob their father revived:"

koan;1338487 wrote: So Laban catches up to them, Rachel successfully hides her thievery


If I remember right, Rachel goes slightly further than that. Daddy's searching the caravanserai at Jacob's invitation (Jacob not knowing anything's been filched) and Rachel hides them under her cushion, sits on it and tells Dad it's that time of the month so he'd best be cautious while rummaging. Hence the success. I reckon the author of Genesis was the first stand-up comedy act, he must have had his listeners rolling in the aisles. What I love about your paraphrase is that you're bringing back the original flavour.

spot;1338814 wrote: If I remember right, Rachel goes slightly further than that. Daddy's searching the caravanserai at Jacob's invitation (Jacob not knowing anything's been filched) and Rachel hides them under her cushion, sits on it and tells Dad it's that time of the month so he'd best be cautious while rummaging. Hence the success. I reckon the author of Genesis was the first stand-up comedy act, he must have had the listeners rolling in the aisles. What I love about your paraphrase is that you're bringing back the original flavour.


Rightly mentioned. It's rather important that she hid the old Gods under her skirts. I had originally read it that she didn't get up because she said she was pregnant so I missed the aspect of the Gods being subjected to soiling.

I hope you realize how much I appreciate what you're doing here, Koan. Take as much land as you so desire along with the best produce I have to offer. Also, if you need a few "concubAne" (my new name for male sex partner), they're yours too.

I'm quite excited about making the Bible more fun to read. There are some really great stories in there. Practically a page turner!

I figure a summary of "What I've Learned Thus Far" will be appropriate at the end of each book. I'm counting on feedback here to make sure I'm telling the stories right.

Its been pretty long since I've read it and the memory isn't quite what it used to be but I'll try. Hopefully those with clearer recollection will keep you on track.

Genesis46

Jacob appears a little worried about moving to Egypt. As has been mentioned, Joseph has been abiding with polytheistic heathens and is not just accepted by them but in a position of distinction. No matter what side literature has been written about how Joseph's wife isolated herself and changed to his religion before wedding, he most assuredly has not been insisting to people that there's only one God. Jacob has a little communion with God before leaving the land he felt safe about owning.

A big list of who's who ensues. We'll hear about the ones who matter later.

Joseph meets them part way and advises them to keep the shepherding part of their business on the hush. Egyptians have a bad history with shepherds... They just don't like them, ok?

I'm not sure if they hid the sheep or just pretended the flocks followed them like a nuisance.

Attached files

Genesis47

Despite what Joseph says, they tell the Pharaoh that they are shepherds anyway. I can see why the Bible repeats things so often now. It takes a while for stuff to sink in. Regardless, Pharaoh says to give them some choice land and all is well. Perhaps God made Pharaoh forget about the abomination thing.



The famine continues and Joseph, on behalf of Pharaoh, is nice enough to buy all the cattle and all the land from the starving people in order that they get some bread. Quite specifically, Joseph doesn't take any land from the priests of Egypt in honour of their arrangement with the Pharaoh. This also lends to the idea that Joseph is not being clear about his religious beliefs in order to further the wealth of himself and his family.

The famine ends shortly around the time Jacob's life does. He calls Joseph to him and they perform the strange hand ritual... so I was wrong, they do mention it again. He secures Joseph's promise that his bones will not be buried in Egypt. Again, a little security there that no one is going to use the Bible to try and claim Egypt for themselves.

Genesis48

Before his death, Jacob's children sit before him to receive their blessings/find out their inheritances.

Joseph goes first. Jacob gives him an extra portion of the estate over his brothers. He also favours Jacob's youngest son over the elder, which annoys Joseph but what can he do? I didn't hear him arguing that Reuben should get his extra portion. There's mention that the extra portion was taken by force from the Amorites by Jacob himself. This is a battle that I don't recall reading about as all their stuff, except for the town Simeon and Levi slaughtered, was given to him by God.

Anyway, he also tells Joseph that God will be with him and bring him back to Canaan. Basically, asserts that he still dislikes Egypt. Considering how good Egypt was to Joseph, it's rather like a parent saying "Lord deliver him from evil" at a child's wedding.

Genesis49

The Will of Jacob continues. This one's a bit longer... as Wills tend to be rather wordy.

Reuben: To you I leave... a curse, because you slept with one of my women. Don't think I didn't know it ya bastard!

Simeon and Levi: To you I leave... a curse, because you killed that guy and his whole town. We had to move... I lived in fear... it was a terrible time!

Judah: (now this is a little confusing) You're awesome! All your father's children shall bow to you, you'll have wine and milk and the second largest part of my inheritance. (Jacob is supposed to have suspected him of killing Joseph and later Judah asks for all the blame over the incident. Also: God killed two out of his three kids)

Zebulan: Take the seashore, no one even knows who you are, don't sweat it.

Issachar: I can't remember if I like you so I'll give you a mixed blessing. You're a strong ass weighed down with burdens.

Dan: I'll make you judgemental and like a snake that bites. Work out for yourself if that's good or bad.

Gad: You'll get conquered but kick their asses later so... chin up.

Asher: ? (I think he said you'll gain a lot of weight and have homosexual children)

Naphtali: I'm running out of stuff so... you get to give good advice.

Joseph: We've already talked about this a bit. So you get all that and the gift of my God telling you what to do all the time. You can hand that down to your own kids later. Your brothers tried to kill you and God saved you so they better not contest this will.

Benjamin: You can live like a wolf. You know, devouring prey and working under the cover of night. Give me a break... I'm dying here and running out of ideas.

Final words: Bury me in that cave with my father... you know the one... that cave he bought. Just do it!

Genesis50

We spend a moment wrapping things up as this is the last chapter of Genesis.

There is a big funeral for Jacob, a lot of wailing and a large gathering to transport him to the cave tomb. Shockingly, Joseph has Jacob's body embalmed. I can't say Jacob would approve. Some say it was to allow for the transportation time required but... Joseph is just plain steeped in the Egyptian religion. He is later embalmed, himself. These are the only embalmings that happen to Hebrews in the Bible.

Joseph's brothers are deeply concerned that, without their father's protection, Joseph will finally get revenge on them so they send a messenger saying "Dad wanted you to forgive us" then go and bow before him to hear his reply. Joseph states that he doesn't plan to take revenge... he's leaving that up to God. He points out that their actions contributed to his current success. In exchange for continuing to assure their well being, he elicits a promise that the children of Israel will one day take his bones back to Canaan.

So Jacob dies uncomfortable with the whole being in Egypt thing, God has decided the next chosen one is the child who took on the vestments and customs of a bunch of heathens and no one figured out that leaving for Jacob's burial was a good time to get the heck outta Egypt.

Genisis- Summary

Overview:

I feel that you can separate the first 4 Chapters of Genesis into "pre-history" archetypes.

Cain and Abel seem to represent problematic relationships that developed when people formed societies. That was their only function and then they are removed from the geneology. Chapter 5 seems to be written by an entirely different person solely concerned with geneology. People fly by without incident until Noah's family in Chapter 6 when we start getting linear.

Prehistory: Adam and Eve show that life cannot remain simple due to curiosity. Cain and Abel show that when people enter group relationships competition and jealosy become the downfall.

Noah: I don't know if a real flood took place or if it was a good way to clean the slate with the concept of wanting to be good and chosen by God to survive. People thought the world was flat and I'm not against the concept that a flood that seemed to cover the whole of the imagined world could have happened.

Lessons from Genesis:

God only ever told people to procreate, eat, and offer him sacrifices, preferably dead things.

Curses aren't necessarily worrisome unless they come from God. Caanan was cursed by Noah yet Caanan is the name of the coveted land of all the Hebrews. Guess he made a go of it afterall.

Being blessed by God doesn't make a person a good listener. (Lot and many others)

God never answered Abraham's question as to how to prove he'd been given all this land. Sorry, Israel.

Name changes were only effective the first two times. (Abraham and Sarah)

God is into the fun of a good con. (Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah)

God was the first to kill animals (giving Adam and Eve skins to wear) found He liked the smell of burning flesh (Cain and Abel) but moved on to human foreskins just to see if they'd do it. (the demand for circumcision was made in order to receive what God had already promised to Abraham)

God used to appear to all sorts of non chosen folk but got more selective.

Sometimes God picks the stronger person instead of the nicer one. (Esau and Jacob)

God doesn't mind if you sell out to another religion for profit and personal gain. (Joseph)

The Hebrews do not want Egypt.

God seems to be a guy who just continues to kick the can down the road and make adjustments on the fly. It make me wonder why with all the ability he possess he'd choose to go it that way. Looks like more of a game being played by a kid than anything else. But then I'm no longer 'saved' which makes me instead of God suspect.

There has been a little bit of prediction on His part. He mentioned that the children of Israel will be rather miserable in a land of strangers for 400 years and that's about to happen. Not sure why He thought that was a good plan for people He likes but perhaps it preps them to listen better when He gives the commandments. I think it's easier to get an idea of what the "plan" was in hindsight so I'll have to wait before I draw conclusions about the whole scheme.

I'll probably add to the list of "what I've learned" if I go back over my notes more closely. It might help to come up with a list of questions as well. Every good story should have you asking questions of curiosity after the first Act. Otherwise, why keep reading?