Koan's notes on the OT: Book 1 - Genesis

[koan]

Inspired by Bez's thread to not just skim read the Bible, I decided to start my own thread with my notes from start to finish so I don't end up spamming her thread.

For a more likely well rounded thread visit the original

I'm reading the bible

As a warning, I will probably joke about the writing style and some of the content so any religious nuts can eat a jar of stfu

I joke because I care :p

I'm also going with the King James version as that's the one my gramma gave me.

I'm going with "he" for God even though some parts say "they" because it's just easier that way.

Genesis1

originally attributed to Moses as writer (via a burning bush perhaps)

As no people existed for the first chapter (I also have little desire to learn all the 1:1 crap though I welcome others to notate sections if they wish) we can assume it's a secondhand account. The Word must come first because without it we can't very well discuss what is happening.

I had trouble with water existing when there was no form but water is fairly formless without a container so I went with something started moving around a bit and, worried that it might be bugs, the light got turned on, but it was too bright to see so it was tempered with the darkness again, just a bit until there was perspective. God doesn't make mistakes so we can picture the invention of the dimmer switch.

Next we separate water from water with a space in the middle. Unfortunately water gushes around so it would actually still be joined on the other ends but for now we have a space of 'not water'. Since diversity is the point of the exercise and God didn't want more than one firmament/heaven to keep everything apart things kept splitting into new things until the one big water part was filled with all kinds of things, some of them living.

Around the middle of the creation phase God got tired of holding the worklight and put sun, moon and stars in place rather like we would install track lighting. God put all kinds of messages(signs) in the stars but probably, because he hadn't invented people yet, it was more like just pissing in the snow for fun.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Sounds like it has potential for a rap song.

where'd this female get to? Next we hear poor Adam is all alone.

Ah, yes. I've heard of Lilith but for some reason they cut her out of the KJ version... and all the others. She went and found herself a righteous dude with wings, if you believe what you hear in back alleys.

Anyway, on the sixth day, God's only instruction to people was "be fruitful and multiply" and he grants them dominion over all the other stuff he created though he only mentions fruit and veggie being their "meat." That's not much to go on but apparently mankind's only original instruction was to have sex and eat plants.



Did I miss anything?

[binbag]

koan;1337366 wrote:



so any religious nuts



Did I miss anything?Yes koan, you're definition of "religious nuts".

[koan]

binbag;1337370 wrote: Yes koan, you're definition of "religious nuts".


quite right.

for now I'll go with: anyone who lacks a sense of humour and tells me I'm going to hell

[spot]

koan;1337366 wrote: Did I miss anything?The creeping things. You might have wondered what they were for and whether God intended them to be so scary. Great whales fine, winged fowl a bit iffy unless you enjoy having a budgie for company, creeping things... hmm.

[koan]

spot;1337380 wrote: The creeping things. You might have wondered what they were for and whether God intended them to be so scary. Great whales fine, winged fowl a bit iffy unless you enjoy having a budgie for company, creeping things... hmm.


I did mention wanting the light on to see what was moving about.

When God let loose with the creativity all the inner fears and worries would have manifested too, one supposes.

[Ahso!]

I hope you go on with this, its entertaining and enlightening. Though at this pace it'll be a while.

[koan]

Genesis2

Apparently God is in favour of a six day work week. He's a single parent too so, we might keep this in mind for later on when he gets grumpy.

We backtrack a little because God was too busy to water the plants and his people were looking a little dusty. Luckily he brought Adam back to life (this could be why Lilith disappeared though) I've discovered through unintentional testing that plants will survive for a week without water but the prototype humans couldn't survive God's one day off. Presumably he made Adam more hardy the second time around but put him in a special place where the gardens didn't just grow but were planted by God... just in case Adam was looking a little peaked again and because the first set of plants didn't seem to support human life. (thanks for the poison ivy, Big Guy)

Now we reinvent animals so that Adam can name them. My daughter is really good with names while I am not. I'm pretty sure if I had to name whole species I'd let her have a go at it first. I'd have named something a Furkenbeetsdahellouttamie.

Also, recognizing that water sources were going to be an issue, rivers were created going to places that were named despite the fact that Adam wasn't ever meant to leave Eden. So they are currently places we were never meant to see. There is the potential for a chopping block here but possibly it will become relevant later on.

When God helps Adam to meet woman, he imposes a coma on Adam which likely left him disoriented. The disorientation helps makes sense of the notion of leaving a mother and father, of which Adam is unfamiliar unless you go with God being a "them" instead of a "him". Though, in a way God gives Adam his blessing to split and find his own path with his wife, they have yet to follow the single command of having sex so it makes sense that he would spare them from the awkwardness of embarrassment at being naked. Get up on it! Time's a tickin'.

oh. part 2 is over and we didn't learn much new.

[koan]

Ahso!;1337410 wrote: I hope you go on with this, its entertaining and enlightening. Though at this pace it'll be a while.


I'm currently presuming I'll have the time. I may be wrong but we'll see how far I get.

[koan]

Genesis3

So a snake, presumably with legs because God hasn't taken those away yet, so it's actually more like a lizard, which doesn't really matter for the sake of the story, convinces Eve that she won't die if she takes fruit from a forbidden tree. After seeing that the command to have sex was going unobserved, God added another one being: See that tree? Don't touch it.

If God had said "see Adam? Don't have sex with him!" we'd all be much happier.

When Eve eats the fruit and doesn't die (so the snake was right) she offers some to Adam. When God shows up Adam instantly blames someone else. Eve instantly blames the snake lizard thingy. God is fair so he punishes all three of them. Pain, pain, and... no legs.

This is why we don't see snakes writing poems about how hard their lives are. They lucked out and got the 'no legs' curse.

Forgetting that he put those rivers in, he condemned Adam and Eve to survive outside Eden... which had formerly caused them to turn to dust. Not no more. The Earth kept spraying itself and the two were able to avoid drying out. There was the tantalizing bit about another tree that would give them back immortality but God put a cherubim with flaming sword to chop the air in front of the garden to keep them out. I'm left pondering if that is the explanation for the recent invention of Mario Bros.

[spot]

Hang on, wait up, slow down, you missed "God make coats of skins". Which presumably involved killing, else where did the skins come from. So that's the first killing in the bible and it's God did it. Starting as he meant to go on, presumably - he does end up doing most of the killing until we reach the last verse of the Book of Revelation.

[Ahso!]

koan;1337366 wrote: Inspired by Bez's thread to not just skim read the Bible, I decided to start my own thread with my notes from start to finish so I don't end up spamming her thread.

For a more likely well rounded thread visit the original

I'm reading the bible

As a warning, I will probably joke about the writing style and some of the content so any religious nuts can eat a jar of stfu

I joke because I care :p

I'm also going with the King James version as that's the one my gramma gave me.

I'm going with "he" for God even though some parts say "they" because it's just easier that way.

Genesis1

originally attributed to Moses as writer (via a burning bush perhaps)

As no people existed for the first chapter (I also have little desire to learn all the 1:1 crap though I welcome others to notate sections if they wish) we can assume it's a secondhand account. The Word must come first because without it we can't very well discuss what is happening.

I had trouble with water existing when there was no form but water is fairly formless without a container so I went with something started moving around a bit and, worried that it might be bugs, the light got turned on, but it was too bright to see so it was tempered with the darkness again, just a bit until there was perspective. God doesn't make mistakes so we can picture the invention of the dimmer switch.

Next we separate water from water with a space in the middle. Unfortunately water gushes around so it would actually still be joined on the other ends but for now we have a space of 'not water'. Since diversity is the point of the exercise and God didn't want more than one firmament/heaven to keep everything apart things kept splitting into new things until the one big water part was filled with all kinds of things, some of them living.

Around the middle of the creation phase God got tired of holding the worklight and put sun, moon and stars in place rather like we would install track lighting. God put all kinds of messages(signs) in the stars but probably, because he hadn't invented people yet, it was more like just pissing in the snow for fun.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Sounds like it has potential for a rap song.

where'd this female get to? Next we hear poor Adam is all alone.

Ah, yes. I've heard of Lilith but for some reason they cut her out of the KJ version... and all the others. She went and found herself a righteous dude with wings, if you believe what you hear in back alleys.

Anyway, on the sixth day, God's only instruction to people was "be fruitful and multiply" and he grants them dominion over all the other stuff he created though he only mentions fruit and veggie being their "meat." That's not much to go on but apparently mankind's only original instruction was to have sex and eat plants.



Did I miss anything?Please do not encourage this, I could not take religious rap music. And please spare me my indignation if it does in fact already exist. Leave me to my blissful ignorance.

[koan]

p.s. The Lord clothed Adam and Eve with "skins." This is the first time we hear the concept that something got killed to benefit mankind and God did the skinning.

Genesis4

Finally they have sex. We get Cain "a man from the LORD" and Abel... just "Abel"

Cain decides to give the Lord something, not because he has to, just because he thought of it. Abel copycats.

God says he's happy with Abel and not so happy with Cain. Cain is kinda pissed because it was his idea in the first place and Abel's getting all the credit. God seems aware that Cain will be tempted to do something bad. Sure enough... Abel's a goner. And God's all like "hey, where's Abel?" as if he isn't omnipotent.

When Cain is cursed with not being able to grow produce, we can assume he was the original vegetarian as he figured it for unbearable. Personally, I'm about to eat some salmon and couldn't care less if I have veggies with it or not. It smells really ****ing good.

Cain is worried that everyone will know he's in shame and would rather die... even though there shouldn't be anyone else around since Adam and Eve just figured out how to reproduce recently. God puts a mark on Cain's forehead so no one will kill him, which doesn't really make a difference since everyone and their offspring is going to die again shortly. What IS interesting is that Cain moves to Nod which is previously unmentioned then pops up as if we should say "oh, yeah, I heard about that place."

Cain immediately finds a wife and procreates according to God's commandment. God should be happy as **** that someone finally listened to him. We don't know where this wife came from but they all start procreating and killing to the point of braggery.

Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.

If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold.

We don't hear any more whining from Cain though he may have scribbled some emo poetry on the house walls

Meanwhile, the leftover child having abandoned mother and father, as predicted, Adam finally "knows" Eve again (really, it took that long?) and another child is born named Seth. Seth subsequently has a child called Enos and we are left waiting to find out if we will hear their names again.

This chapter ends with stating that men began to call upon the Lord so we suspect Enos isn't going to do much better than the first brood.

[koan]

spot;1337429 wrote: Hang on, wait up, slow down, you missed "God make coats of skins". Which presumably involved killing, else where did the skins come from. So that's the first killing in the bible and it's God did it. Starting as he meant to go on, presumably - he does end up doing most of the killing until we reach the last verse of the Book of Revelation.


clever boy... I was writing my p.s. as you commented. No worries. I didn't miss it, but thanks for keeping an eye on it.

[koan]

oh, ps to Genesis4... Abel did the first human killing of beasts and was favoured for it.

[koan]

Someone budded in on Genesis5

We start out with a big, long, flawed account of who begat whom. Now we can see how other beings appear out of nowhere since Cain and Abel are erased from history so, obviously, some people "happen" that we aren't told about in a linear fashion. The summary doesn't include little details about betrayal and curses so we learn that if you don't speak of things you can eliminate them from history. This would suggest that we no longer have to worry about snakes and apples, sacrifice or killing people... for now.

Chopping block: Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared (they're just names leading to Enoch)

Enoch went for a walk with God and it didn't seem to work out well for him. He died.

Chopping block: Methuselah, only relevent in that he produced Lamech

Lamech fathered Noah and said one thing: This land is cursed and maybe Noah can bring comfort.

Thousands of years have apparently passed and Lamech is the first one to say anything worth mentioning so... good on him.

[koan]

Genesis6

People are procreating like crazy and there is mention that some of the men are giants so one can presume that size, at one point, did matter since they are mentioned to have produced men of "renown." God forthwith determined that men had become wicked so, bypassing the point that God might have had penis envy, we can also determine that size leads to no good. These large men did things that grieved God and were perhaps being perpetrated with animals since God decided forthwith to do away with them all. God chose Noah because he "walked with God," which may have meant they were of comparable size... since Noah doesn't seem to have stood out in any particular way except that God liked him because he was a "just" man. Translation? Just a man... not a giant.

Either way, God determined that "his way" had become corrupted by man. We haven't been told what his way is except that he wants people to reproduce, eat, and offer him dead animals. Nevertheless, we failed him so he took the one man he could still tolerate walking with and told him to build a very specifically sized boat with a limited number of windows, allowing for females and males of all species so he wouldn't have to completely start from scratch again. Personally, I think it was that he was shirking the chore of coming up with names for all the creatures again. Then he flooded the world.

Scratch our current list of who made who cuz it doesn't matter any more. Adam and Eve had children, one of whom walked with God, one who noticed they all seemed cursed but the only one who matters anymore is Noah and his offspring... and their wives. Cain and Abel were a bad dream about what happens when you have two brothers who aren't getting laid. So, follow the first commandment and have lots of sex.

6 ends with Noah keeping pretty gosh darn quiet.

[koan]

Genesis7

So God did what he said and Noah did what God said so people survived the flooding. Unlike the common telling, some of the 'clean' animals were brought on board by the sevens so I figure that's how they ate for the 10 months of water covering the earth. Because fruit and veg go bad. I've tried it. Trust me.

Genesis8

There is a little confusion over the rain stopping after 40 days and 40 nights then they're on the ark for ten months until God stops the rain after 40 days and nights so I think that God's clock works a little differently than Earth clocks.

A raven is sent to look for land and goes back and forth, not returning like the doves do. I'm thinking that's the raven that finally shows up in Poe's story saying "Nevermore!" and that's why we have carrier pigeons instead of ravens. The dove was smarter and gauged his return time better.

Not having changed his tactics from the first time God commanded "Go be fruitful and multiply" as the only order.

Having learned from the stories, Noah immediately offers him burnt sacrifices... so we'll never know how many animals were actually saved from the flood. Though he only offered clean animals of which he had seven instead of two... presuming the family hadn't already eaten all the spares.

God is, as expected, pleased by the smell of dead animals again so promises never to flood the whole planet again. There is the small condition that the Earth will be fruitful as long as it exists but the small worry that God will just destroy the whole freakin' thing next time.

[koan]

Genesis9

God repeats "be fruitful and multiply" but adds that all other creatures should now fear and dread mankind. He demands they eat the other living creatures... excepting each other... and gets a little caught up in the blood talk.

And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.

Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.

I think God got a little punch drunk off the smell of the burnt offerings.

So we can't kill each other but if we do we should be killed by other men because we look like God?

Because we look like God we should act like him so men should kill any other men who don't act like God?

God kills those who kill others so we should save him the work and kill the murderers for him?

I fear I won't get it unless I have some of what He was drinking. I'm just glad I wasn't standing there having to answer... "um, yeah. ok, dude." (aside)"wtf?"

Then God made rainbows to distract from the confusion that otherwise might have ensued.

You can see the abundance of his wisdom even today when rainbows appear and everyone stops to point.

Apparently God can be forgetful because the rainbow was also to remind Him to stop the rain before the Earth floods again.

Personally, I don't blame Noah for taking to the wine shortly afterwards.

So, Noah had three sons: Ham, Japheth and Shem. Ham stumbles on his drunken father in the nude and tells his brothers. The brothers avoid "seeing" their father naked and cover him up. Noah becomes aware that Ham "saw him" and curses Ham's fourth child. There is much discussion about what "saw him" means. I hesitate to make a conclusion but, it was bad, folks. Apparently we have a servant class of people now because Noah was so upset. This implies that curses uttered by humans are just as valid as curses placed by God. Noah also "enlarged" Japheth... which I'm not too sure God would have liked but we don't hear much more about it so presumably God just made a rainbow and let it go.

[koan]

Genesis10

A whole bunch of begats that basically show that mankind finally got the gist of "go forth and multiply"

Not much here. If it was a movie it would have been a montage.

[koan]

Genesis11

Generic people are all getting along rather well. Not only are they not killing each other but they get together to accomplish a goal: They build a tower. Now, in the KJ version it just says "to reach unto heaven" while I've heard that God gets aggro because people think they can reach heaven and it strikes him as vain. God comes down to Earth to confound language so they can't communicate and wrecks their plans. Potentially all the getting along with each other didn't result in enough burnt offerings.

The tower was called Babel which may have resulted in the term "babbling" when people make no sense and certainly resulted in the fictional Babel fish which translates multi-dimensional languages when placed in the ear... later becoming a website that translates between languages.

People were then scattered around the earth to further complicate their relations, though the story returns to procreational lists so business was still good.

Most notably, Shem produces Abram who becomes a really important figure. Abram marries Sarai... which doesn't look so good from the procreation side for awhile, and they move to Canaan, along with his nephew, Lot. Canaan is an interesting choice since that's the name of Ham's cursed fourth son who is supposed to be a servant. Seems the servant folk did pretty well for themselves anyway.

[koan]

Genesis12

God seems to talk to a lot of people back then. He was chatting up Abram, directing him to Canaan. Abram built him an altar for a quickie which was shortly left behind. Abram had a little healthy paranoia about showing up with a pretty wife so he convinced her to lie and say he was her brother. The Egyptian pharaoh was, indeed, smitten with Sarai and fell for the dupe, lavishing many gifts upon her and Abram... to be kind to her brother. God didn't like this arrangement and punished the pharaoh instead of being concerned with Abram having started the lie. The innocent pharaoh remains blameless as, realising the scam, immediately told Abram and Sarai to leave with all their gifts. "Y'all don't come back now, ya hear??"

Later on a big deal will be made about how trusting Abram is of God but, at this point, God didn't seem too concerned with trust. He also seems to be more upset at those who believe the lies of others than at those who tell the lies.

I'll have to leave lucky 13 for tomorrow. Too much computer time gives me headaches.

[spot]

You're on a roll, I'm sat here holding my breath to see what you make of Samuel.

[Ahso!]

I thinks she should publish it as the Lone Koan Version.

[spot]

Ahso!;1337468 wrote: I thinks she should publish it as the Lone Koan Version.


She's in for a major shock when she reaches Abimelech. Pharaoh wasn't the only one caught in the sister trap.

koan;1337455 wrote: Abram had a little healthy paranoia about showing up with a pretty wife so he convinced her to lie and say he was her brother.


It's not a lie actually. Abram really was her brother. It's the first biblical acknowledgement of incest though there's plenty more coming up.

Anyway - great paraphrasing so far, it's an exciting tale.

[LarsMac]

Do go on.

[binbag]

koan;1337372 wrote: quite right.

for now I'll go with: anyone who lacks a sense of humour and tells me I'm going to hellOh yes, we must have a sense of humour, we’d be unhumorous if we didn’t have a sense of humour.

Btw koan, don’t ever listen to anyone who says you’re going to hell.

It’s those who say, “if you don’t change your ways, you’re going to hell, you listen to". :wah:

[koan]

spot;1337472 wrote:

It's not a lie actually. Abram really was her brother. It's the first biblical acknowledgement of incest though there's plenty more coming up.

Anyway - great paraphrasing so far, it's an exciting tale.
Ah, ok. That makes more sense as we intuitively feel the Lord would not approve of liars. We can surmise, then, that the Lord is okey dokey with lies of omission. It's a handy bit of info for those concerned with pearly gates.

I'm off to work soon but I've got my gramma's bible in my backpack.

[Bez]

from spot : "Hang on, wait up, slow down, you missed "God make coats of skins". Which presumably involved killing, else where did the skins come from. So that's the first killing in the bible and it's God did it. Starting as he meant to go on, presumably - he does end up doing most of the killing until we reach the last verse of the Book of Revelation".





In my version Adam & Eve made 'cover ups' from fig leaves !!!!! Animal skins came later.





And....how else could they procreate other than being incestuous....there was only Adam & Eve to start with.....but where did Cains wife come from.....what did I miss ?

[spot]

Bez;1337535 wrote: In my version Adam & Eve made 'cover ups' from fig leaves !!!!! Animal skins came later.You missed it - Genesis 3:21 "And the Lord God made clothing from animal skins for Adam and his wife". Go back and check.

As for the incest bit when humans first evolved (or when Adam and Eve started, take your pick, it makes no difference), the nature of a family tree is that if you go back down everyone's there's inevitably just one woman who is the direct maternal ancestor of every human alive today, just as there's inevitably just one man. If the children of the woman you've gone back to didn't procreate between themselves, and all their descendants who contribute to today's gene pool originate solely from those children, then you've not gone back far enough, go back further and you'll find her. No family tree can be drawn on which that's not true by necessity. It's how family trees work.

[spot]

binbag;1337490 wrote: Btw koan, don’t ever listen to anyone who says you’re going to hell.

It’s those who say, “if you don’t change your ways, you’re going to hell, you listen to". :wah:Let's face it, nowhere's more suitable for her to spend her afterlife - she's completely unsuited for heaven. As am I if it comes to that, it's a club to which I refuse ever to apply.

[ZAP]

Will I be struck by lightning for laughing hysterically at this?

[spot]

ZAP;1337578 wrote: Will I be struck by lightning for laughing hysterically at this?


With that username of yours? Damn right you will.

[ZAP]

spot;1337579 wrote: With that username of yours? Damn right you will.


:yh_rotfl

[Betty Boop]

Brilliant! Wish you'd been in my first year seminar on genesis :yh_rotfl

[koan]

I'm back with more revelations :p ...well, the revelations will be a ways off still

Genesis13

Abram and Sarai, rich with the booty of their trickery, hauled their goods back to the altar that Abram had previously built. Lot tagged along as they probably weren't too happy about the whole family. Abram tries to pray to God at the altar but has trouble focusing due to all the sheep and stockpiles of stuff between the three of them.

Abram pretty much tells Lot "get the flock outta here" and gives him his choice of which direction to go. Lot chooses to head towards Sodom. A little foreshadowing occurs that indicates Sodom has a limited lifespan but Lot didn't know that at the time... builds the tension of the story.

With Lot gone and more privacy, Abram gets his groove back with the Lord. God promises Abram that he will grant dominion over all that he can see, which is quite a bit. God also assures him that he will have children and his ancestors will be as great in number as the dust grains on the earth. Abram and Sarai were having problems in the baby department so it's quite welcome news.

Abram decides to move his altar somewhere else, presumably more central to his upcoming domain. There was probably too much sheep dung at the old one.

[koan]

Genesis14

There is a big battle of the Kings and a bunch of smoting. A war over the plains takes place over 13 years, at the end of which the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah get wiped out in the "slimepits" of Siddim. Sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings.

The bad guys take all their stuff, along with capturing poor old Lot, who obviously chose the wrong direction. Abram hears about Lot's capture and gets 318 guys together to go sack the bad kings.

A mysterious king blesses Abram after his victory and the king of Sodom offers him tons of booty to return his people. Abram doesn't want any part of the Sodom curse so he refuses reward and ditches the rescued back in their doomed city.

We suspect at this point that Abram is a little more than a lucky con man with a pipeline to God.

[koan]

Genesis15

Abram probably had second thoughts about turning down all the stuff from Sodom because this chapter starts with God comforting him and reassuring Abram that his rewards from God will be greater.

It was a bit of a nuzzle-fest as the Lord repeats all the baby promises then asks for a little more burnt offering when Abram queries how to prove the land the Lord just gave him is really his.

Perhaps realizing that God never actually answered that question, Abram has what I would call a nightmare describing 400 years of strife before the land deal takes place.

Abram might have been feeling not so sure because God comes back and says "You want proof? I give you my covenant! You, me, covenant. Done deal."

[koan]

Genesis16

Covenant or not, Sarai is still not preggo. She gets inspired to offer her handmaid to Abram as a surrogate which was likely a hasty decision because when Hagar the handmaid get knocked up Sarai has a spat of jealousy.

Abram, not wanting to look the gift horse in the mouth, tells Sarai to deal with Hagar as she wants. "Imma gonna beat yer smug ass" is the result.

Hagar runs away until God, the chatterbox, appears to her and tells her to go back. Presumably he comforted her, but I'd not have been at ease if God told me my kid "will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him" Apparently that made Hagar feel right as rain and she returned.

Ishmael is born.

[koan]

Genesis17

God renames Abram as Abraham and Sarai to Sarah. He still hasn't really given all the children he promised but reissues the promise (Abraham laughs briefly) with an added condition: Abraham has to circumcize himself and every male in his household.

It doesn't really say why so I presumed that God was getting bored of just animal flesh being sacrificed. If the condition was added because the challenge was more difficult... well it's God's own fault for taking so damn long.

This seems to be the first mention of slaves... being that Abraham agrees to also circumcize all males that he has bought.

A whole lot of chopping goes on.

[koan]

Genesis18

God shows up again, but not to fulfill his promise yet. He's got other business and three strangers, who turn out to be angels, are with Him.

Abraham washes their feet, feeds them and kills a few more animals.

Just to let him know it's not forgotten God affirms that Sarah will have children. Sarah laughs this time because she's quite old and gone through menopause... then she cowers and has a "no I didn't" "Yes, you did" exchange with God.

God is there to destroy Sodom and Gemorrah. He thinks about not telling Abraham but breaks down. We get a little insight as to why God likes Abraham: "he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment..."

While we might imagine God to be pretty set in His ways and determined since He is omnipotent, we find that Abraham is able to whittle God down from his seek and destroy mission like a common market barterer.

"What if you find 50 righteous men?"

"ok. If there's 50 I won't kill them all."

"What about 40?...30?...20?...10?"

"oh... you little cutie... Alright, you got me. I'll look before I brimstone."

[koan]

spot;1337543 wrote: Let's face it, nowhere's more suitable for her to spend her afterlife - she's completely unsuited for heaven. As am I if it comes to that, it's a club to which I refuse ever to apply.


Yeah, have to admit I've not started filling out my application.

Genesis19 has a lot of meat to it so I'm leaving it 'til tomorrow.

[koan]

Genesis19

So... two angels walk up to the gates of Sodom.

No, this isn't the start of a two guys in a bar joke.

Lot sees them and begs them to let him wash their feet, grovel and feed them. Presumably he knows something bad is afoot.

While they get their foot bath, the evil townsfolk of Sodom surround the house demanding to know what strangers are inside. Lot actually offers his two virgin daughters to the men outside to save the angels but the men, probably figuring they'll get the girls later, refuse to be sated. The angels finally step in, strike the intruders with blindness to buy some time for Lot to get the hell out of dodge.

Lot muddles about trying to talk his kinsfolk into leaving town, can't seem to convince them and takes so bloody long the angels have to whip him, his virgin daughters, and wife to safety before the fire and brimstone starts hailing down.

So, they're standing there, in the middle of the plains, with angels of death telling them, "Go to the mountain quick and don't look behind you!" We imagine Daniel Day Lewis playing the part, Mohican style, "Whatever you do, don't die!" Lot kills the drama with indecision.

"Does it have to be the mountains? Cuz I'm not so sure the mountains are safe. There's a nice little town just down the road. They make really good noodles. You should try them some time..."

So the Lord agrees to not destroy Lot's noodle town because Lot was righteous and he remembered the promise he made to Abraham.

Lot's wife: not so smart. She looked back and turned to a pillar of salt. It seems none of Lot's lot is good at following directions. I bet Lot looked halfway and saw his wife's salt pile so he focused on the noodles again.

After all the hesitation and almost getting smote by brimstone, Lot decides the town isn't very safe "No soup for you!!!" so he goes to the mountains afterall. That probably means it would have been good if the noodle town got brimstoned too but they survived because of a bumbling procrastinator.

Lot found himself a nice cave and probably lived out the rest of his life in happy hermit shock. His daughters on the other hand, took it upon themselves to get him drunk and knock themselves up. They said it was to continue his seed, having lost all others, but they were virgins living in the middle of nowhere with no prospects of ever getting laid so... there are other possibilities.

[ZAP]

"I bet Lot looked halfway and saw his wife's salt pile so he focused on the noodles again."

OMG!! :yh_rotfl

[koan]

Genesis20

Meanwhile, Abraham and Sarah get up to their old tricks again and pull the Sister Act, without the fun of Whoopi Goldberg in a nun's habit.

OT's version of Punk'd

The victim: Abimelech, King of Grerar

The setup: Sarah, so old that she laughed at God when he said she'd still have babies, is still hot enough to tempt powerful men with households full of concubines. She and Abraham know that when the king takes her into his house, God will curse them and the king will give them anything they want if they go away.

And... it works.

"waiten eine Minutein" The king points out the unfairness of God making all their women barren even though they did nothing wrong except believe a lie.

At this point Abraham confirms that Sarah is actually his wife and his half sister. It's also revealed that Abraham is God's prophet... even though he hasn't prophesied anything. We're never really told why Abraham was the chosen one but he's good hearted enough to admit he was being cheeky and God restores the women of Grerar.

I guess the king chuckled about it later because he gave Abraham a bunch of land and told him to live wherever he wants... presumably just "away".

Those crazy kids.

[koan]

Genesis21

God finally fulfilled the pregnancy promise and Sarah becomes preggo. We suspect that He put it off so long because she turns into an über bitch after the baby, Isaac, is born. She demands Abraham throw out Hagar and Ishmael, which he does after God assures him that they'll be taken care of.

Abraham gives her bread and water but it doesn't get them far. Hagar hides Ishmael under a bush and tries to keep looking for water. God creates a well spring for her and they live. The boy grows into a wilderness type archer. Hagar gets him an Egyptian wife and we lose interest in them for awhile.

Speaking of wells, Abimelech and Abraham have another run in after the locals take a well from him. When the king sees seven of Abraham's sheep just roaming about he is rightly suspicious until Abraham says they're a peace offering. They make a truce, Abraham names the well Beersheba and hangs out there for a while... probably to get away from Sarah's intense mood swings.

[koan]

Genesis22

This is said to be God's temptation of Abraham. To be tempted one has to be offered something one wants and God tells Abraham to kill his son so we can imagine there's a little tension going on in the house of Abraham.

"Daddy, are we almost there?"

"No."

"Daddy, why is the mountain so high?"

"Because it is."

"Daddy, where's the sacrifice?"

"God will give it to us."

"Daddy, this wood is heavy, why doesn't God give that to us too?"

"Shut up or I'll kill you! Um... hehe. Daddy's just joking. Wasn't that funny?"

Isaac ends up tied to the wood, at which point it doesn't say he's conscious but he sure isn't talking much anymore. To everyone's relief, presumably Abraham's too, God steps in with "Here I Am" at the last minute, as if it was a divine game of peek-a-boo, and stops the boy's slaughter.

Ultimately: If it was a test of devotion to God, Abraham passed. If it was a temptation, he failed.

[spot]

One can only hope Sarah never got to hear the details of the camping trip, she'd have had a hard time shrugging it off without complaint.

[koan]

spot;1337933 wrote: One can only hope Sarah never got to hear the details of the camping trip, she'd have had a hard time shrugging it off without complaint.


I'll just say it's a good thing He doesn't tempt us all that way. :p

[spot]

Are you keeping count of the number of dead animals?

Believe me, you ain't seen nothing yet.

[koan]

Genesis23

Sarah dies.

And Abraham buys a cave for the family tomb which is probably just a set up for a tourist trap.

Don't go there. Your imagination is probably way cooler than the real thing. And safer too.