I have a question for North Americans about dating.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:54 pm

I hope this isn't impertinent, but I was wondering. You know when ye say that you are "dating" people does that usuallly mean that you're sleeping with them?. I was wondering because I have American friends who say this when they are single and sort of looking about for someone nice, and you know, they might be dating 3 different people at the same time or something and in some instances they are sleeping with them all, but it doesn't seem to be a problem with anyone involved as long as no commitments have been made. I might have the wrong end of the stick here, can anyone clarify this? Its probably wildly open to interpretation. Its just that this sort of thing is very much frowned upon over here, well, when you get caught anyway.

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:59 pm

I am afraid it is kind of a vague term, dating means anything from seeing them once a week for coffee, to sleeping with them every night. I think it is a "catch all" phrase.

I am seeing someone means something more serious

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:11 pm

anewlife wrote: yes - dating means sex-

not always.....

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:23 pm

Right so, dating can mean anything? Seeing someone means its serious, but what, like hand up the sweater serious, or "how are we gonna explan that big bump in your belly" serious?. And being involved with someone means that your sort of acting out the latest Swedish adult fiction novel. This is more compilcated than I thought, though it may explain some of the more disturbing encounters I have had with American girls, (who are great by the way, just so don't get cut to shreds here).

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:30 pm

Foot in the mouth disease.......................:wah:

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:32 pm

Galbally wrote: Right so, dating can mean anything? Seeing someone means its serious, but what, like hand up the sweater serious, or "how are we gonna explan that big bump in your belly" serious?. And being involved with someone means that your sort of acting out the latest Swedish adult fiction novel. This is more compilcated than I thought, though it may explain some of the more disturbing encounters I have had with American girls, (who are great by the way, just so don't get cut to shreds here).

ahhh some days it is best not to over engineer it and just have fun.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:38 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: I'd like to hear more about these disturbing encounters, please. Well there was this rather attractive young woman from Florida and....actually no, I don't think you would want to hear about it. Though I am glad to say that I am "dating" (whatever that means) a nice girl right now. Unfortunatly we are both Irish catholics so normally this will involve a period of 6 months before we actually aknowledge that we are members of the opposite sex, another 6 to affirm that neither of us are protestants (and obviously not evil therefore), and another 6 to make direct eye contact. All in all I can see intercourse occurring round about 2012, just in time for the London Olympics. Though happily if you factor drink into the equation (and "drink" in Ireland means anything that actually is, tastes like, looks like, or has the same effect as alcohol) then everything up to marraige takes about 22 minutes 33 seconds. Its a great country really.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:42 pm

minks wrote: ahhh some days it is best not to over engineer it and just have fun.

Yes, but unfortunatly I'm a catholic, I suppose thats why Jesus invented booze. At least if he didn't, he should have seen it coming. Now that would be a religion I could understand.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:45 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: I'll have to keep an eye on the clock so I can wish you all happiness in your future nuptuals.

Don't worry, she'll probably have run off with the milkman and taken the kids by wednesday. Personally, I blame George Bush, I'm not sure why, but he definetly deseverves a good kicking.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 7:00 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: George Bush AND his idiot son. That who I meant girl. I mean, what is he like? I saw a clip of him the other night, and I quote "Fool me once, shame on......eh..........em........ehhhmmmm.......you,......... fool me again and.....well......WE WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN!", I mean in all seriousness, this guy is the bloody President, can ye not find someone better out of a population of 270 million?

And just to think that if I tried to have him neutered for the sake of the gene pool, I would be the one who would get into trouble. Oh its too late isn't it, he has a couple of daughters. Not afraid of the odd drop of drink themselves either by the sounds of it, hey, are they alright looking? thats not for myself of course, its just that I have this friend. Though to be fair to Bush, I suppose I can't blame him for all my mistakes, only the serious ones.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 7:35 pm

Are you dating and getting to know the person or did you have sex first and then tried to get to know the person. The latter is very difficult. Everyone is different. It really depends on the kind of relationship you are looking for when you first meet the person. Sex - vs - relationship. WOOHOO - vs - Dang I like you.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 8:57 pm

Y'know this is an interesting question. I've often wondered about this too. I was watching "Frasier" the other day as he dated two women. He slept with both of them then decided he should "commit" to one of them, which meant only being with and sleeping with that one person.

Here, if you start dating someone, which means going to the pictures or to a disco or a pub, even without sex in the equation, then you are expected to be faithful to your partner and not see anyone else. Sex seems to be almost expected in the States. I know kids have sex at younger ages (God I sound old! :-1 ) but is sex really expected on every date right from the start? Even for teenagers?

Going off at a tangent...there is a McDonalds ad running at the moment that I absolutely hate! A couple are in bed together, the bloke wakes up early and pops to McD's for brekkie. He brings back some bagels. She wakes up and sees them and says "Oh I promise not to tell your mates you made me breakfast in bed", he insists he just got them from McD's and she says "Oh, I love you!" Then they both freeze. Obviously its taboo to tell someone you love them because they're commitment-phobes and they'll dump you...........but HELLOOOOO...they're in bed together! Surely its okay to say ILY if you're having sex? They're telling us sex means nothing, its just something you do like catching a bus. Whatever happened to sex being a meaningful part of a relationship?

Okay, rant over. :p

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:22 pm

I met my husband on the internet - yes a dating service - it took months before we met in person and it took even longer before we did the wild thing. We are married now. I think it worked because we are both close to 50 - been there done that thing. You get to an age and either you have it for each other or NOT. There is something to say about knowing what you want and going for it. And I'm not talking about sex................

Valerie100 · Post by **Valerie100** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 3:36 am

It all depends on the people.

To me, "dating" means just dating -- no sex.

"Seeing someone" means we are seeing each other on a regular basis. Kissing is involved, but not necessarily sex. Seeing each other, to me, also means that we are seeing other people as well if we want. There is no form of monogamy. We're seeing whomever we want and going on dates with whomever we choose.

"Going together" means that we are seeing each other and only each other. We've decided that we like each other enough to only see each other. Depending on how serious the relationship is, sex could be involved.

"Engaged" is going to be getting married.

Married is self-explanatory.

G-man · Post by **G-man** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:16 am

Not necessarily... it depends... but, it usually occurs eventually if the relationship progresses...

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 5:45 am

Thank you everyone for trying to fill me in on this, unfortunatly I'm still a bit baffled by it. I think its one of those things you have to be brought up with to understand. I know that you would find our love rituals even more baffling (trust me on this one). Dating didn't even exist until we started watching American films, now we kind of do it, but I don't think we are getting it right. Now Germany, thats a great place for all this, they are extremely straightforward, though you wouldn't want to be shy let me tell you.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 5:48 am

I think every individual is different, I know when someone comes to date my daughters, it is very old fashioned. Long, lengthy ritual of interrogation by the mother (me) and specified times and arrivals. Cell phone in girl's pocket for me to call if they are out late-which they have never done-they know the consequences.

I think you watch too many movies and TV for a wrong impression of American girls and dating.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 6:02 am

nvalleyvee wrote: Are you dating and getting to know the person or did you have sex first and then tried to get to know the person. The latter is very difficult. Everyone is different. It really depends on the kind of relationship you are looking for when you first meet the person. Sex - vs - relationship. WOOHOO - vs - Dang I like you.

Yes yes, that all very true (and sensible), But I wasn't really looking for advice on the current relationship, I've been around the block a few times so I have a fair idea of how these things go, though its never the same twice. No, I'm just interested in the culture of the whole mating game in the different countries. Useful when U meet foreign (in my case) girls, its handy to have a fair idea of where they are coming from. Its getting more important actually as the EU thing means that there are a lot more poles, and spanish, lithuanians, latvians, portuguese, etc etc living in Ireland, the government should do a dating information campaign to get everyone started I think.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 6:08 am

I think you watch too many movies and TV for a wrong impression of American girls and dating.

Well thats interesting, cause the idea that I got from American movies and TV was that dating was all very innocent, bt when I actually got to know Americans that wasn't necessarily the case (and I'm including boys and girls here). Obviously I know that its not that everyone is shagging everyone else, and that younger people are not lets say as "experienced" or "active" as their older counterparts. I was reffering to sort of people in their mid twenties and upwards who are single and on the scene. And I would be exactly the same with my daughters (typical man!).

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 6:30 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Perhaps you're meeting people on holiday that feel that what they do on vacation doesn't really count. The fat lady in a string bikini? Phooey, no one knows her, what does she care? (and no, that last wasn't self-reference.)

No no, I mean living here, and yes you're right there is a big difference. I think once your on holiday all the normal rules are suspended, its like putting the hazard lights on in your car (which to some drivers here mean all the normal rules of the road no longer apply). It is a lot of fun actually dating, or seeing, or being involved with (whatever) foreign women, though its definetly tricky sometimes, specially if you need a dictionary to communicate. Thankfully thats not the case with Americans, despite your rather eccentric take on the English language, well "viva la differance", as they say. If any Americans have had stange experiences with Europeans in this regard (and we don't need to hear all the sordid details) that would be interesting.

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 8:18 am

OK, I just have to comment as a representative of the college student demographic. We use all sorts of confusing words to describe relationships nowadays, and even I get so frustrated there were times when I wanted to chuck the whole thing and become self-sufficient. I hear these tems every freaking day from my fellow students and friends:

Example 1: "Talking To"--Stepho asks her boyfriend "that girl you spoke with at the party. Did you know her?" Her boyfriend replies "well, I used to 'Talk to' her for awhile." Stepho asks "Yes, I know you were just talking to her over there in the corner." Bryan replies "No, I mean I was 'TALKING TO' her a year ago. I wanted to 'get to know her' better." (He winks devilishly.) So apparently when a guy says he's "Talking To" a lady, he's trying to see if she's someone he might want to take out on a date. I believe it's similiar to the British equivilent of "chatting up." This can get very confusing. Now when I talk to Bryan about two people of the opposite sex I have to figure out whether they were just talking or whether they were "Talking."

Example 2: "Hooking Up"--hooking up with someone implies that you "got together" with them. It can mean anything from a night of making out to actual sex. It also implies that this happened with someone you didn't have much knowledge of prior to the "hooking up." It can be a one night stand, to someone you were "Talking To" for a little while.

Example 3: "Going out with"--This depends on the context of the sentence. Behold: "I am going out with Brett for coffee." This can be a casual friendly get-together or a date. Conversely: "Brett and I are going out." This is more ambiguous. This can mean that you and Brett are going for coffee, or it can mean that you are boyfriend and girlfriend and if you haven't slept together already, it's definately in the cards. "Will you go out with me" can mean "will you go on a date" or it can mean "will you go steady." Because no one says "go steady" anymore except for my mom and we really have to get her to stop saying it. It's very 1975.

Example 4: "Dating." I try not to use the term dating. Dating usually means that you're officially going on occasional dates with someone. It's happened more than once and it's happening semi-regularly. It does not imply sex but that doesn't mean that there isn't any. It also means that the person is open to going out with other people. At this point it is rude to ask or assume the two people are having sex.

Example 5: "Seeing." If someone tells me they're "seeing" someone I figure that they've moved past the "dating" point. There is some physical activity. It's no longer gauche to ask if the people are sleeping together. It means they're probably not dating other people although that might not be official yet.

Example 6: "Involved." If someone tells me they're involved with someone, that will 99% of the time mean sex is involved. It also means that they are at a point in the relationship where they're not sure if they're exclusive or not. I know that people are "supposed" to be exclusive if they're having sex according to popular morality, but this is 2005 and it's not necessarily true with people my age. Many times the pants come off before an exclusive committment is made. This is an excellent way to get an STD.

Example 7: "Exclusivity." There are many ways to describe this. Boyfriend-Girlfriend, "we decided not to date other people." "Well, we're going out officially now" and so on and so forth. Sex is probably involved. There is no awkwardness over picking up the tab at dinner. Shampoo, conditioner, toothbrushes and contact lens solution has mingled in the bathroom of their partner. Their phone number is listed first in the person's cell phone. They have an official vacation partner or person to bring to a party or wedding.

These terms drive me insane. I hate trying to figure out what's going on with my single friends. They can be "Talking To" "hooking up" and "dating" different people all at the same time and it's very confusing. I'm glad to be in the "exclusivity" column right now. I can't imagine having to start from scratch and explaining to someone I had a crush on whether or not I was "dating" or "Talking To" anyone else.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:25 am

Right, now I'm completely lost. I'm glad I'm not in college anymore. Here are some of the Irish terms for whatever the hell it is were talking about.

Shifting: Yes really, a "shift" can be anything also up to and including well, you know, anything. This is like a one-time thing, though you can get asked "so your wan (woman), are ye shifting her?" An American comedian who now lives in Ireland was recently on the television talking about an experience with an Irish girl who asked the inevitable "are ye going to shift me yank or wha?" Needless to say he asked her where she wanted to be "shifted" to, her reply was "from one end of the f*ckin bed to the other, ye gobshite". I don't think it worked out.

Beating off: Not what it sounds like, you may also be asked the question "did you beat (pronounced "bate") off with her" which also can mean anything from heavy petting onwards. This does not refer to self-abuse, be clear about that its very important.

Riding: I think its fairly self-evident what this means.

And so on and so forth, there are others as well, though it seems our language in this matters is a little prosaic and blunt so I won't go into all the details, we're not the world's greatest romantics to be honest. Though we can be charming when we try.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:56 am

Galbally wrote: Right, now I'm completely lost. I'm glad I'm not in college anymore. Here are some of the Irish terms for whatever the hell it is were talking about.

Shifting: Yes really, a "shift" can be anything also up to and including well, you know, anything. This is like a one-time thing, though you can get asked "so your wan (woman), are ye shifting her?" An American comedian who now lives in Ireland was recently on the television talking about an experience with an Irish girl who asked the inevitable "are ye going to shift me yank or wha?" Needless to say he asked her where she wanted to be "shifted" to, her reply was "from one end of the f*ckin bed to the other, ye gobshite". I don't think it worked out.

Beating off: Not what it sounds like, you may also be asked the question "did you beat (pronounced "bate") off with her" which also can mean anything from heavy petting onwards. This does not refer to self-abuse, be clear about that its very important.

Riding: I think its fairly self-evident what this means.

And so on and so forth, there are others as well, though it seems our language in this matters is a little prosaic and blunt so I won't go into all the details, we're not the world's greatest romantics to be honest. Though we can be charming when we try.

Oh my the cultural differences are hilarious.... you are going to catch it for the "Beating Off" term ahahaha here that means..... masturbating in particular the male gender ahahahaha Funny stuff.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:17 am

Yes, beating off, I thought you would get a laugh out of that one, I did actually ask a friend of mine (an American guy) that question after a night on the town where he had met a young lady, jeasus he was mortified, I think he thought that I thought he was pervert, or maybe he thought I was one, its not simple, this stuff, is it? You can also say "beating on" or "cop off," though "cop on" means "get with the program" Confused? You will be if you ever come over here.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 11:32 am

Galbally wrote: Yes, beating off, I thought you would get a laugh out of that one, I did actually ask a friend of mine (an American guy) that question after a night on the town where he had met a young lady, jeasus he was mortified, I think he thought that I thought he was pervert, or maybe he thought I was one, its not simple, this stuff, is it? You can also say "beating on" or "cop off," though "cop on" means "get with the program" Confused? You will be if you ever come over here.

You would get a slap if you "copped a feel" ahahahahahaha

"cop out" is a poor excuse to get out of something ie you fail to show up to a commitment and say ooo my dog was sick, that is a "cop out" ahahahahaha

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:41 pm

minks wrote: You would get a slap if you "copped a feel" ahahahahahaha

"cop out" is a poor excuse to get out of something ie you fail to show up to a commitment and say ooo my dog was sick, that is a "cop out" ahahahahaha

We actually use those terms too, though its kind of juvenile boys talk to say "copped a feel" I mean I'm far too sophistimicated to be saying that. I'd say "did you get the hand up the jumper you rapscallion?" though if it was my daughter (not that I have one, but I'm fairly sure what I'd be like if I did) that was involved my response might be different. Yeah "cop" is useful old word init?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:50 pm

skittles2004 wrote: Well Americans are pretty much wild. And to those who beg to differ turn of the T.V.(i know T.V's not real instances but its what were thinking and yet we watch it) "hookin up" is a term for just sleeping with a person. Dating is just a fancy word for "courting"(although if your say 100 yrs old then you might use that):p

My impression from these replys, for which I'm grateful, is that ye're not too sure yerseves about this. That wouldn't surprise me, because I don't think we know what we're doing either, l think you just smile and nod and hope for the best, generally. Unless your French of course, those dashing devils! God they drive me mad, you're in Paris and I swear they could be walking around and they would be wearing 2nd hand clothes from a charity shop in nicuragua, driving a crappy old citroen, and listening to some warbling old pervert on their Ipods and they are still completely cool and chic, how do they do it? Anyway its not about them, I'm stuck with being Irish so I'd better make the most of it.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 1:29 pm

I'm always stuck for what to say, if I call him my bofriend I feel like a teenager, if I call him my partner people think we're living together, if I call him my lover, they assume one of us is married. If I'm talking with strangers I have referred to him as my husband, when I'm with his daughter people have said to her " your Mother" meaning me, we don't bother to correct them. I usually say "the man that I'm going out with".

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:12 pm

orangesox1 wrote: if I call him my lover, they assume one of us is married. "Lover" is actually a nickname I gave to my counterpart, although I'd never say it in front of other people because it would feel icky. It smacks of public affection. I'm never really sure what to call him, either. If I call him my "boyfriend" people assume that we've been dating for all of three months and they give me "advice" about "dating" that I really don't need. Technically I guess we're engaged but if I call him my "fiance" I feel really borgousie and then people want to know all about our "wedding" or if we want "children" and pah! Who needs that. I usually end up calling him "Mr. Stepho" or "the guy I'm seeing."

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 7:51 pm

Oh taking a lover here has a very specific meaning, and it usually refers to married women or older women who take lovers to fullful their physical needs and nothing more, though it is sometimes just used to descibe someone you are in a mostly physical relationship with, though not by straight men I think.