The Bee Sting
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee."
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Golf Jokes
Golf Jokes
:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl
Lmao Sojo! You get the 'Hole in One' award!
Lmao Sojo! You get the 'Hole in One' award!
Golf Jokes
The Golfer and the Caddy
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
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StupidCowboyTricks
- Posts: 1899
- Joined: Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:51 pm
Golf Jokes
:-3
Rules for Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
:-2
Rules for Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
:-2
Someone asked me why I swear so much. I said, "Just becuss.":)
Golf Jokes
StupidCowboyTricks wrote: :-3
Rules for Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
:-2
Why Stup, I did not know you played...............
Rules for Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
:-2
Why Stup, I did not know you played...............
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StupidCowboyTricks
- Posts: 1899
- Joined: Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:51 pm
Golf Jokes
SOJOURNER wrote: Why Stup, I did not know you played...............
:D
:D
Someone asked me why I swear so much. I said, "Just becuss.":)
Golf Jokes
StupidCowboyTricks wrote:
I love that pic! I've heard it's a bloke dressed up like a gal fer a laugh!
Can't tell if its true, although the legs look a bit hairy! :wah:
I love that pic! I've heard it's a bloke dressed up like a gal fer a laugh!
Can't tell if its true, although the legs look a bit hairy! :wah:
Golf Jokes
The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset
Golf Jokes
18 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous.
Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"
You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous.
Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"
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telaquapacky
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2004 3:00 pm
Golf Jokes
Two guys were playing golf, and noticed that two women ahead of them were playing too slowly for them.
One said, "I'll go and ask them if they'll wait and let us play through."
He walked part of the way up the fairway toward them, then turned around sheepishly and came back to his friend.
"Why didn't you talk to them?"
"That would be awkward. It turns out that one of them is my wife, and the other is my girlfriend!"
"Alright then! I'll go talk to them."
The second guy walked part of the way up the fairway toward the women, and like the other, turned around quickly and walked back.
"Small world," he said.
One said, "I'll go and ask them if they'll wait and let us play through."
He walked part of the way up the fairway toward them, then turned around sheepishly and came back to his friend.
"Why didn't you talk to them?"
"That would be awkward. It turns out that one of them is my wife, and the other is my girlfriend!"
"Alright then! I'll go talk to them."
The second guy walked part of the way up the fairway toward the women, and like the other, turned around quickly and walked back.
"Small world," he said.
Look what the cat dragged in.