Sticky situation, need advice...

cinderella76 · Post by **cinderella76** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 1:51 pm

First let me give you a very super condensed version of my situation.

After going through a nasty divorce and an even nastier, disasterous attempt at co-parenting, my husband allowed his two children to be adopted by his ex’s new husband. They were ages three and four at the time. The oldest remembers my husband and myself, and according to the ex, the younger child does not remember much at all. At the time of the parental rights termination, the agreement was that my husband would still be allowed to have contact with the kids. His ex went back on that and we had no contact for over 2 years. Over the last year and a half or so they finally allowed LIMITED contact. One visit was made by my husband but things went downhill fast after that. They were overly strict in how they would allow visits to occur. Yes, I know that is their right, but it was not something we were able to deal with. We’ve since had no contact, besides sending birthday cards to the kids, for over six months now. During that time his ex contacted my husband’s parents and invited them to have very liberal contact with the kids and they are doing so.

Now to current issues. I am now 5 months pregnant. I believe it would be best for the children, my baby and my husband’s two, to know each other while growing up. Although they certainly can’t have a remotely traditional sibling relationship due to the situation, I think they would benefit from at least not being strangers. I hate the thought of the children meeting someday after they(husband’s two) are 18 and being total strangers. Especially since my husband’s two children do have contact with their paternal birth family(the grandparents), I feel it is only natural to give them the opportunity to know their half brother or sister as well. I contacted hubby’s ex to tell her about the pregnancy and request that we open a new dialogue about resuming visitations next year when the baby is a bit older. She has not responded to me, but she did fwd my email to my father in law with a note saying “I’m not dealing with this. So I really have no idea where she and her husband stand on things since they won’t reply to me. In case you are wondering why I contacted her instead of my husband, it’s because she and I have had a lot of email communication in the past and made good progress that way. My husband is willing to talk to them about things as well, but he’s a bit miffed, as I am, that she won’t respond to me at all (because that is just rude :yh_eyerol ). So now we are at an impass because she will not respond to me (which is what my husband is waiting on before he acts), and the grandparents, who do have contact with them, won’t get involved because they are afraid she will stop their contact with the kids if they make her mad. She’s done it before. My questions to you all is do you have any suggestions as to how we may approach her to get a more positive response? It is a complicated situation so feel free to ask about anything you need clarification on.

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 2:12 pm

Well, just as a wild guess... I'm thinking she is really taken aback by the

fact of your pregnancy. Knowing no more about it than I do, that's

what first pops out at me. SHE wanted to be the only one to have kids.

Jealousy rearing its' ugly head, as it were.

She can control you guys by using the kids as "weapons". She will

probably try anything to get her way. (Again, not knowing the woman).

What should you do? Well, it might be tough but let some time pass.

Give things a chance to calm down, and then have your husband try

again with the ex.

You might have to face up to the fact that YOU being able to maintain

good contact with her is just not possible any more. At least for the

near future.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 2:56 pm

Im sorry but that all just makes my head hurt. Im of no use to you at all. Maybe I shouldnt have posted anything, you know just walked on by *Walk On By* la la de de la...thats Dionne Warwicke right ? Never mind this isnt about Dionne Warwicke its about you. Ill be over in chit chat if you need me ok ?

cinderella76 · Post by **cinderella76** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 3:11 pm

valerie wrote: Well, just as a wild guess... I'm thinking she is really taken aback by the

fact of your pregnancy. Knowing no more about it than I do, that's

what first pops out at me. SHE wanted to be the only one to have kids.

Jealousy rearing its' ugly head, as it were.

She can control you guys by using the kids as "weapons". She will

probably try anything to get her way. (Again, not knowing the woman).

What should you do? Well, it might be tough but let some time pass.

Give things a chance to calm down, and then have your husband try

again with the ex.

You might have to face up to the fact that YOU being able to maintain

good contact with her is just not possible any more. At least for the

near future.

Wow Valerie, you really hit the nail on the head with your comments. Hubby will try again at some point, but she's going to have to deal with me at visits (hopefully if it ever gets that far) so I hope the jealousy or whatever her problem may be subsides soon. I feel that it is so very important for these kids to know each other and the thought of that not happening because of her makes me ill. I just want the best for my baby and my husbands two kids that I care about so much.

Nomad, it makes my head hurt too!! And if you think reading it is bad, imagine living it! LOL :-5

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 3:22 pm

cinderella76 wrote: Wow Valerie, you really hit the nail on the head with your comments. Hubby will try again at some point, but she's going to have to with me at visits (hopefully if it ever gets that far) so I hope the jealousy or whatever her problem may be subsides soon. I feel that it is so very important for these kids to know each other and the thought of that not happening because of her makes me ill. I just want the best for my baby and my husbands two kids that I care about so much.

Nomad, it makes my head hurt too!! And if you think reading it is bad, imagine living it! LOL :-5

Im sorry I shouldnt have been flippant, follow your gut, if you think the kids should be together make it happen. Best wishes, I hope you get what you need and want.