Hi, this is my first post. I've been looking for a forum like this to ask it in.
So I'll get right into it.
I've never had many friends, but I've had a best friend since college. We used to hang out together, etc. He was the closest thing I had to a best friend. Suddenly, about a year ago, I noticed he had changed. We stopped hanging out as much and it seemed like we were starting to become interested in other things. Then around May we just stopped talking period.
Here's how I view the situation. About a year ago he bought a motorcycle and later, joined a motorcycle club. Not like a motorcycle gang, just a bunch of guys that get together and ride. Nothing wrong with that. We'd still hang out even though he had the bike. But I noticed that the motorcycle lifestyle started consuming him. All he ever talked about was motorcycles and parties and events he was going to. Once while I was on vacation with my girlfriend, he called me, nearly crying that his girlfriend had dropped his motorcycle (apparently this is a big deal). I told him to calm down and it was just a bike, but he seemed like a child was killed or something. That was the first thing I thought was strange.
Later he became the Public Relations officer for his motorcycle club. I guess that makes him in charge of recruiting. He kept trying to get me to take the test and get a bike. I've always been interested in riding, but I guess not to the degree he was. His girlfriend started telling me "He wants you to join his club, he's trying to recruit you." I thought that was cool, but I'd do it in my own time. No big rush.
One time, he brought his girlfriend over and went to check his email in my apartment. I sat outside with his girlfriend for about an hour and a half. She really opened up to me and told me how he was ignoring her and he'd ride through her neighborhood and not see her. I'm his friend, so I didn't want to get involved in something like that, so I just told her to talk to him about how she felt. Normally, I'd tell someone to break up with someone treating them like that. That was the second strange thing.
His girlfriend and I planned his birthday party together. Of course she invited members of his Motorcycle Club. It was a dinner at a nice restaurant and there were a lot of people there. We had a good time, but when the bill came, people paid and left and there was a big discrepancy with the bill. I stayed behind and help sort it out, but the people in his motorcycle club left. I decided, these were not the type of people I wanted to hang out with.
He started inviting me to motorcycle parties. I'm his friend so of course I went. The cover to get in these parties is steep, like the cover for a dance club, especially if you're not in a motorcycle club. They weren't anything to write home about, especially since you pretty much get ignored if you don't ride. So, I didn't see the point of wasting my money going to them. My girlfriend even commented, "What's up with X, why don't you guys hang out anymore?"
When we'd talk or hang out he'd say weird things like he wanted to ride, and get his license, but none of his "friends" wanted to do it. That's not true, he never told anyone he was going to get his license or a bike, he just went out and got it one day. I would've taken the course with him when he took it.
So while he was doing his thing, I discovered a martial art called Capoeira. It's very cool and I enjoy the vibe. I tried to get him to come to a couple of ceremonies and workouts, but he never did. I was still interested in bikes and when spring came I took a course and got my motorcycle license. He started inviting me to parties again, but when I told him I couldn't make one party, because I was going to a ceremony one night he just stopped calling me and we stopped talking. I kind of had this feeling that he would do something like this eventually. I haven't talked to the guy since the end of May.
I've known this guy for 10+ years, but I don't quite understand what happend. So I'm interested in someone else's take on it. I'm thinking I've lost a friend. I'm curious about what other people think.
Friendship Question (long)
Friendship Question (long)
Welcome, Lorca! I hope you enjoy this forum (although I don't see how anyone wouldn't.....)
Don't be offended, but you seem like a younger person. What we don't realize in our teens and twenties is how much more changing we're going to do as we become "adults." Perhaps you and your friend are merely growing apart and finding very different interests and styles.
If it's something which seriously bothers you, why not buy him a coffee one morning and ask if he feels differently about your friendship? Otherwise, we sometimes have to accept that friends we had during some times in our lives are not going to be friends forever.
Sorry.
Don't be offended, but you seem like a younger person. What we don't realize in our teens and twenties is how much more changing we're going to do as we become "adults." Perhaps you and your friend are merely growing apart and finding very different interests and styles.
If it's something which seriously bothers you, why not buy him a coffee one morning and ask if he feels differently about your friendship? Otherwise, we sometimes have to accept that friends we had during some times in our lives are not going to be friends forever.
Sorry.
My candle's burning at both ends, it will not last the night. But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--It gives a lovely light!--Edna St. Vincent Millay
Friendship Question (long)
People have different interests....
sounds to me like hes just been a little busier than usual.
He did make an attempt to affiliate you with his new lifestyle, so I personally dont think your friendship is altering just because you havnt spoke for a few weeks....i mean, take the names of the months out of the equation and you have nothing more than about 8 weeks.
I say give it some time......you guys may not speak as frequently as you have in the past, but that doesnt mean that will change how you feel about each other.
sounds to me like hes just been a little busier than usual.
He did make an attempt to affiliate you with his new lifestyle, so I personally dont think your friendship is altering just because you havnt spoke for a few weeks....i mean, take the names of the months out of the equation and you have nothing more than about 8 weeks.
I say give it some time......you guys may not speak as frequently as you have in the past, but that doesnt mean that will change how you feel about each other.
Friendship Question (long)
Thanks for the responses and the welcome!
I guess I feel like, I did take an interest in his new lifestyle and he didn't make any effort in my new interest at all. He kind of just blew it off and steamrolled over it like I really didn't have one. Our last few exchanges were odd, like he just felt like the friendship was pointless or he was letting it go. Like I said before he was talking like he was giving up on ALL of his old friends, not just me.
For a while, I felt like we just did drift apart as friends and he was busy with riding since it is riding season. I understand that and I accepted that for a while. But lately it started bothering me. Usually, I'm great at accepting things as they are and maybe we did just drift apart.
The thing that really bothers me is that I am looking for a bike, he was even helping me at one point. When I told him I was doing something else one day, all communication ceased. That just seems strange to me, there are plenty of things I was interested in doing that he wasn't and I never blew him off, but usually the things he was interested in doing, I'd be game because I like doing new things and going to new places.
I don't know why it's been bothering me so much lately, but that has been my sticking point that the one time I didn't want to go somewhere, because I was doing something else, no communication.
I'm kind of stuck on that.
I guess I feel like, I did take an interest in his new lifestyle and he didn't make any effort in my new interest at all. He kind of just blew it off and steamrolled over it like I really didn't have one. Our last few exchanges were odd, like he just felt like the friendship was pointless or he was letting it go. Like I said before he was talking like he was giving up on ALL of his old friends, not just me.
For a while, I felt like we just did drift apart as friends and he was busy with riding since it is riding season. I understand that and I accepted that for a while. But lately it started bothering me. Usually, I'm great at accepting things as they are and maybe we did just drift apart.
The thing that really bothers me is that I am looking for a bike, he was even helping me at one point. When I told him I was doing something else one day, all communication ceased. That just seems strange to me, there are plenty of things I was interested in doing that he wasn't and I never blew him off, but usually the things he was interested in doing, I'd be game because I like doing new things and going to new places.
I don't know why it's been bothering me so much lately, but that has been my sticking point that the one time I didn't want to go somewhere, because I was doing something else, no communication.
I'm kind of stuck on that.
Friendship Question (long)
Hi Lorca .... welcome to FG ... 
I wouldn't worry too much about the "situation" as you see it between you and your best friend.
What you're experiencing is nothing more than two people finding other interests in life, which may or may not appeal to you both. He's found his interest . You've found your's. It's no big deal. The important thing is, you haven't had a major disagreement over it. Give him the odd phone call along the lines of, " hey bud, how you doing?". As time goes by, if he decides to contact you less and less, just move on. You'll at least have the satisfaction of knowing you gave it your best shot.
You're young and will meet many different people along the way, some may come and go, others will stay. Don't lose any sleep over it.
I wouldn't worry too much about the "situation" as you see it between you and your best friend.
What you're experiencing is nothing more than two people finding other interests in life, which may or may not appeal to you both. He's found his interest . You've found your's. It's no big deal. The important thing is, you haven't had a major disagreement over it. Give him the odd phone call along the lines of, " hey bud, how you doing?". As time goes by, if he decides to contact you less and less, just move on. You'll at least have the satisfaction of knowing you gave it your best shot.
You're young and will meet many different people along the way, some may come and go, others will stay. Don't lose any sleep over it.
Friendship Question (long)
As LuLu said... In life, our interests and priorities change. Friends change. We let go of each other and move on. He might always have feelings for you, and return someday when the excitement of his new motorcycle adventure wears off or calms down. Until then.. its great that you found a new interest of your own and didnt feel the need to ride on his tail. The need to belong to a group is not necessarily a bad thing but it is a different character trait than someone who will pursue an interest which is solitary like the martial art field.
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Friendship Question (long)
Normally, I would say that it happens for people to grow apart in time, especially if they develop differently, follow different callings, and associate with different people. I think it's actually worse when someone keeps spending time with the same high-school friends, for example, just because it is a friendship of habit and they have nothing in common anymore. I have known my best friend from high-school for 15 years now, but we rarely talk anymore - sure, we went to university and grad school in different countries and have seldom each other in the past 7 years, but I have other friendships which have survived the distance and are closer than ever.
While this may be a factor in case, I am inclined to think that your friend's hobby is more than that: he didn't just get a bike - he joined a new culture, and it seems that this culture is all-absorbing and exclusive. While you shared his interest up to a certain point, I think there is nothing wrong with the fact that you drew the line at becoming too immersed in something which is of only marginal interest to you. I also don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be a well-rounded person, who can associate with different kinds of people and who can have various hobbies. Although you mentioned the martial art you started practising, I sensed that this is just one of your interests and that it doesn't consume you to the point where you only want to talk about it and spend time with people involved in that lifestyle. That tells me that you are healthier than your friend.
Now this brings me to the central point: although I am NOT maintaining that the bike club is a "cult" in the proper sense of the word, it probably has a slightly similar effect on its members. Participating only in club activities, talking only about it, alienating family and friends who are not part of it, actively trying to recrute new members - this is what cult members do. The fact that he stopped communicating with you after you couldn't attend the party sounds like a pretext to me - he might have wanted to distance himself from you and just seized the opportunity.
Like other members suggested, you could start by dropping him an email and inviting him to hang out with you. If he does, it means the gates are still open, and you could honestly discuss your friendship (like asking him what it would take for you to be friends and explaining to him that while you share his interest to a point, you can't be part of that lifestyle). If he doesn't, you might have to wait it out for a while. In the meantime, you could read a little bit about bike clubs, perhaps find a forum for former members, and study cult psychology (not joking, you could pick up some tips). Try to understand WHY your friend is so immersed in this lifestyle - is there something he's trying to compensate for? why is it that he can't maintain friendships with other people? is there any pressure from the club to not associate with others? There may come a time in his life when he gets tired of them or finds a different interest or becomes disenchanted with the culture, and he may come back to you. So try keeping in touch, at least by email or IM, and make it clear that you'll still be friends if he wants to. But I wouldn't push him too much right now, as he might feel threatened and cut all future communication.
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Just my 2 cents
While this may be a factor in case, I am inclined to think that your friend's hobby is more than that: he didn't just get a bike - he joined a new culture, and it seems that this culture is all-absorbing and exclusive. While you shared his interest up to a certain point, I think there is nothing wrong with the fact that you drew the line at becoming too immersed in something which is of only marginal interest to you. I also don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be a well-rounded person, who can associate with different kinds of people and who can have various hobbies. Although you mentioned the martial art you started practising, I sensed that this is just one of your interests and that it doesn't consume you to the point where you only want to talk about it and spend time with people involved in that lifestyle. That tells me that you are healthier than your friend.
Now this brings me to the central point: although I am NOT maintaining that the bike club is a "cult" in the proper sense of the word, it probably has a slightly similar effect on its members. Participating only in club activities, talking only about it, alienating family and friends who are not part of it, actively trying to recrute new members - this is what cult members do. The fact that he stopped communicating with you after you couldn't attend the party sounds like a pretext to me - he might have wanted to distance himself from you and just seized the opportunity.
Like other members suggested, you could start by dropping him an email and inviting him to hang out with you. If he does, it means the gates are still open, and you could honestly discuss your friendship (like asking him what it would take for you to be friends and explaining to him that while you share his interest to a point, you can't be part of that lifestyle). If he doesn't, you might have to wait it out for a while. In the meantime, you could read a little bit about bike clubs, perhaps find a forum for former members, and study cult psychology (not joking, you could pick up some tips). Try to understand WHY your friend is so immersed in this lifestyle - is there something he's trying to compensate for? why is it that he can't maintain friendships with other people? is there any pressure from the club to not associate with others? There may come a time in his life when he gets tired of them or finds a different interest or becomes disenchanted with the culture, and he may come back to you. So try keeping in touch, at least by email or IM, and make it clear that you'll still be friends if he wants to. But I wouldn't push him too much right now, as he might feel threatened and cut all future communication.
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Just my 2 cents
The power of MEOW
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papaboo951
- Posts: 74
- Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2006 3:48 pm
Friendship Question (long)
Welcome to the Forum.....
.......You haven't lost a friend. You two are maturing. Life deals us a hand daily, and you respond differently. You are blessed to know what a friend is.
Just keep evolving, with a little luck, you'll meet another.
.......You haven't lost a friend. You two are maturing. Life deals us a hand daily, and you respond differently. You are blessed to know what a friend is.
Just keep evolving, with a little luck, you'll meet another.