New girl, playing with my heart?

FMT · Post by **FMT** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:47 am

Okay this is a really really complicated situation.

Met this girl almsot 5 months ago and we started talking and seeing each other. We're in our early 20's, so it's not like we're that young also. She had broken up with her boyfriend, needless to say the guy was an ******* and the breakup was nasty. She made it clear she never wanted to be with him ever again. But she was with him for 2 years and it was her first, now she's heart broken over an ******* and misses/loves him but does not want to be with him again. This came straight out of her mouth. She doesn't even want another relationship until she has completely moved on. We talk almsot every night for over an hour, go over her house to watch movies together, we've even been cuddling and a couple of kisses, nothing more.

I said okay and respect what she wants and that I understand (not really but okay...). She has said plan out that she likes me a lot, and compared to her ex I am better in almost every aspect imaginable from whatever angle you look at it. The thing though is that I would have normally quit right there but during the course of these 4 months I fell in love with her. I've told her how I felt and she's sorry that she's hurting me by not being ready for another relationship. She even suggested I start seeing other girls a few months ago, but I told her how I felt and how I couldn't do that so easily.

Now it's 5 months and she has been recently talking to her ex the past 4 weeks, not to get together, but as her way of "moving on." Her ex wanted to get together, and made it clear. But a week ago a friend of this girl announced that her ex and her were officially "together". Now the girl I've been seeing for the past 5 months is furious at her friend hooking up with the ex.

But the past week, she has been talking to me less and not hanging out. She says she's sorry for being distant and what not. She has promised me to give me a chance to be with her, she said it's not a gurantee or anything.

Now my question here is, does it really take over 5 months or more for a girl to get over a horrendous relationship from hell she never wants to go back to? And she said she is mad at her friend for betraying her, I dont see anything wrong with her friend dating her ex if she didnt want him ever again and it has been 5 months. What the heck is going on? Is she pplaying with my heart, am I the backup guy incase things dont work out, damn I am so freaking confused. What she says is "im not ready for another relationship" but how she acts with me says "i want to cuddle and kiss you."

Can anyone please help me, thanks.

Blackjack · Post by **Blackjack** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:58 am

She sounds pretty weak and indecisive. Women (and men too, actually) who say they're not ready for or looking for a relationship will usually make an exception right away for someone they're really attracted to. I'd say forget about her and look for someone else who has a better idea what she wants and won't have as much baggage for you to deal with.

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:02 am

Sorry, but it sounds as though you're on a sticky wicket. It does not sound as though you're going to get anywhere. Difficult indeed to move on, but maybe

best as a damage-limitation exercise.

weber · Post by **weber** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:43 am

Gee FMT

sounds like this gal will only hurt and more as time goes on and you fall harder. Might be nice to take a break and have some fun with the gang or whatever without forgetting her but not falling in love more. Hate to see you hurt more.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 9:02 am

Im really sorry but...................

Your in for a world of hurting. You need to prepare yourself for a fall here in my opinion. Nothing you said indicates she ever stopped loving him regardless of what she may have said. Her actions do indicate that you were there to soften her blow. I dont think she will be there when you fall. You fell in love with her so you were desperately hoping she would reciprocate but it sounds like she just needed someone to help with her own pain. Im not saying thats a bad thing or that she was using you per say, she needed someone and you were there.

Shes not complete now, she has many loose ends and shes hurting. And now so are you.

I mean this with care ok ? Stand up dust yourself off kiss her on the cheek and walk out the door. Be a gentleman but stand tall. In other words,

--->take care of yourself now<---

Of course this is just my opinion and you do what you think is right.

Good luck.

FMT · Post by **FMT** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:24 am

Thanks for the replies!

I knew what I was getting myself into, a world of hurt. I'm torn up inside right now over this girl. I told her straight up that it was my choice to wait for her to be accepting of a new relationship.

I just don't know if there is anything I can do to change the situation. I've met a TON of girls before and gotten to know them enough to know they weren't for me. But this girl is different and I want to pursue her. She is obviously confused, lol she told me herself.

I will not stop going after her until she A.)is receptive to a new relationship or B.) finds another guy when she is receptive for another relationship. I'm just looking for something to ease my pain and get this over with as soon as possible lol. What if we didn't talk to each other for a few days or whatever? I'm open to any solutions/

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:29 am

have to agree with the wandering one on this issue i'm afraid buddy i broke

up with my partner met some one new who was really into me but i just did

not feel the same , she just is not ready to move on pal end of . her friend

just reminded her how much she felt for him when she started getting jealous

over the two of them getting it on .to be honest mate though it hurts you

have not really lost her for she was never really yours to begin with

so start again with someone new , its the same old same old we all want

something we cant have dont we who knows when your suddenly unavailable

for dating and out of her reach she might just decide she wants you after all

there is more to life than chasing women chill out buddy they will come

running to you:)

Shweet tatersalad · Post by **Shweet tatersalad** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 11:19 am

You pal,are the rebound guy,or the tweener.Youare just filling a viod until she finds better. You need too move on and get your life together.and Find someone who will give you the attention you need.

This chick is playing you..You sound like a smart cookie,you know what too do.

weber · Post by **weber** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 11:45 am

FMT wrote: Thanks for the replies!

I knew what I was getting myself into, a world of hurt. I'm torn up inside right now over this girl. I told her straight up that it was my choice to wait for her to be accepting of a new relationship.

I just don't know if there is anything I can do to change the situation. I've met a TON of girls before and gotten to know them enough to know they weren't for me. But this girl is different and I want to pursue her. She is obviously confused, lol she told me herself.

I will not stop going after her until she A.)is receptive to a new relationship or B.) finds another guy when she is receptive for another relationship. I'm just looking for something to ease my pain and get this over with as soon as possible lol. What if we didn't talk to each other for a few days or whatever? I'm open to any solutions/

FMT

It sounds like you are head over hesls in love with this girl. It seems like it would be in your best interest to move on, but if you really want her that much, you won't be happy until the last insult flies to you. If you continue to pursue her, I wish you the very best of luck and hope it works out. If it doesn't work out, you will carry on and heal and find someone new.........wish I were a little younger

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 12:53 pm

Shweet tatersalad wrote: You pal,are the rebound guy,or the tweener.Youare just filling a viod until she finds better. You need too move on and get your life together.and Find someone who will give you the attention you need.

This chick is playing you..You sound like a smart cookie,you know what too do.

Thats EXACTLY what I was going to say!

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:00 pm

Okay, before we keep bashing this girl as "confused," let's look at the facts:

- 5 months ago she came out of a 2-year relationship

- she might have still feelings for that guy, but she made it pretty clear that she does not intend to get back with him

- she wants to move on and is meeting other people (aka FMT)

- she was honest with FMT and told him she wasn't ready for a new relationship yet

What's so confusing or screwed up? Did no one here ever had a messy break up?

In my humble opinion, the girl is going through a normal mourning period. Not every break up is the same: sometimes a relationship dies long before it officially ends, in which case people move on pretty fast (that was my case with my previous relationship - I felt mighty relieved to have that burden off my shoulders and got over him pronto); but sometimes, the break up comes a shock, or as the result of a crisis, and people aren't instantaneously ready to give up. There's nothing wrong about still having feelings for someone who was part of your life for 2 years, especially that 5 months isn't that long of a time. If she still mopes about him 3 years from now, then I'd say it's time she got over him.

It is also normal that she's angry over her friend dating her ex: this is in clear violation of the "code." Her friend could have at least asked for her permission. The fact that she didn't do that shows that dating the ex was more important to her than sparing the girl's feelings. The girl suffered a triple whammy: her ex prefers someone else, he moved on before she did, and her friend betrayed her. I would be angry or at least annoyed as well. You don't want your friends hearing the same intimate words you heard or doing the things you did with a certain person.

Also, this girl isn't part of the delusional crowd either: she understands that guy was bad for her and has made the sound decision to not go back to him. But there is a difference between being aware of that and doing away with all feelings for someone. It might take her a lot longer to be completely over him than it took her to realize it's not a bright idea to date him again.

Thirdly, she's been fair to FMT: she made it clear that she was not ready to date him (or anyone) yet. Cuddling and stealing the occasional kiss are NOT proof that she wants a relationship, but that she needs a bit of affection (normal after being single again after a long relationship). That doesn't mean she's leading you on, FMT - she already told you what the situation was and you chose to still be around her. Now I'm not criticizing your choice - I might have done the same thing - but you have to be realistic here: she said she might be ready for it in the future, but that's not a firm promise. You took a risk when you decided to pursue your hope that she will turn around.

The one thing she's not handling too well is the moving on process: in my experience, making a clean cut is the best way to go. Talking to the ex, still being involved in his life, knowing about his partners - these all serve as reminders of the relationship and of him and prevent her from moving on with her life. She'd do better to stop talking to and about him, delete and block him, and try not to think about him. After a while, especially when you try to build new friendships and do new things, it all goes away.

As for you, FMT, you are not in a good spot putting your life on hold. I understand that you love that girl and that it would be hard to think of someone else. But you might be better off doing your own things, checking up with her every now and then, meeting people, basically minding your own life for now. Maybe in a few months she'll be ready for a new relationship, and that's when you can become more involved in her life again. But for now, if it is too difficult for you to be around her, I'd say limit the phone calls and the exposure. I think the reason why she's distant is because she knows she can't reciprocate as of yet and doesn't want to be unfair to you. So take your cue and keep your distance for a while. After all, you want her to want you for yourself, and not as a temporary band-aid. When she's ready, you two can start building something of your own, with the ex out of mind and out of your relationship.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 9:05 am

flopstock wrote: but, what do I know?

Hey Floopy

Sounds like you know a lot :-6

Good advice here

FMT · Post by **FMT** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 12:29 pm

Thanks again for the replies and advice, I think Felinessa hit the nail on the head on the situation. Well I already told her I'm taking the pressure off of her in regards of wanting a relationship with her, so she can focus on getting passed the ex thing and her friend thing. I will still be open for her, but keeping a distance and a watchful eye on her.