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samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 10:55 am

Hi My Name Is Samantha And I Am 22. I Have 3 Kids And Have Been Married For 6 Years. About 4 Years Ago I Made A Mistake And Was Unfaitful. I Kept This Secret For 4 Years And Boy Did I Torture Myself With It. About 8 Months Ago I Couldnt Keep It Any Longer So I Sat My Husband Down And Told Him The News Not Expecting What Would Happen Next He Let Me Know That He Had Cheated Too, Twice.... I Know What You Are Thinking I Was Wrong And I Have Beat Myself Up Over This For 4 Years.. But When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot It Hurts!!!!!!! We Are Still Together Because It Wouldnt Be Fair To Leave Him B/c He Wasn't Leaving Me. Things Are Great We Are Happier Than We Have Ever Been. He Used To Stay Out All Night And Now He Comes Home After Work And Is Daddy Of The Year. My Problem Is Not With Him Its With Me. He Has Proven I Can Trust Him Again. The Problem Is I Can See Him With These Other People Everytime I Close My Eyes I Dont Sleep Or Eat Much And I Feel Like I Have To Spend Every Waking Moment Trying To Make Him Want Me, And He Does Want Me. I Just Cant Get Over This... I Love This Man More Than Anything And I Want To Stay With Him And Keep Our Family Together, But I Know Im Going To End Up Tearing All That Apart If I Keep Hanging On To This.... I Need Some Advice Please Help Samantha :-5

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 11:14 am

Wow, what a tough spot you have put yourself in! Here's what I believe: people who cheat always suspect cheating of their partner. It's a guilty conscience at work. When you KNOW it has happened, on both sides, it's even harder. Women approach sex as an emotional act, men approach it as a physical one. It's one of the basic differences between us.

Since you seem to now have an open, and understanding relationship with your husband, (good for you, working at it, and not giving up), you really need to talk to him about this. Sit him down and say "Honey, I know we have worked our way past this, but I still see things I don't want to see when I close my eyes." You seem to be looking for reassurance, most women do. I do all the time. We need to be reminded that we are wanted, sexy, that only we turn our man's head. Flat-out TELL him that you are feeling less than confident and need his assurances. My fiance is very aware of what I need when it comes to things like this, and tells me all the time how much he loves me, wants me, how wonderful we are together.

This has given your faith in him, and yourself a good shake! He needs to know how you're feeling. Things like this, when left alone to fester in your mind, will only lead to resentment. I know, because I've done it. It will eat away, a little at a time, at your mind and at your relationship. It has to be talked out, and you will get over it, in time. But when one half of a couple has thoughts like this and does not share them, it's not fair to the other half, because as the resentment builds, the other partner is unaware as to WHY, and begins to question themselves. Talk to him. TODAY.

Cass · Post by **Cass** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 11:19 am

I think the two of you need some family counselling. Sit down together with a professional that can help you talk out your feelings about betrayal and guilt ~ a third party can help you keep to the real issues and not get on to other topics and escalate the problems...

Do you think your husband would be willing to go to a few sessions with you?

You sure were married young, only 22 now and married 6 years? best wishes to you both.

samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 11:33 am

>>^..^ I think the two of you need some family counselling. Sit down together with a professional that can help you talk out your feelings about betrayal and guilt ~ a third party can help you keep to the real issues and not get on to other topics and escalate the problems...

Do you think your husband would be willing to go to a few sessions with you?

You sure were married young, only 22 now and married 6 years? best wishes to you both.
MY HUS BAND SEEMS TO THINK IM CRAZY AND HE HAS ALMOST COMPLETLY FORGOTTEN THAT I EVER CHEATED ITS LIKE HE DOSENT EVEN CARE... HE DOSENT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES EITHER I GUESS B/C THE ISSUES ARE B/C HE DID SOMETHING WRONG. AND THE HARD PART ABOUT THIS SITUATION IS ONE OF THE GIRLS WAS HIS BROTHERS GIRLFRIEND AND I STILL HAVE TO LOOK AT HER ON HOLIDAYS AT MY INLAWS (WHO I LOVE VERY MUCH AND AM NOT GOING TO LET HER COME BETEWEEN) PLUS MY BROTHER IN LAW DOSENT BELIEVE IT HAPPENED SO SHE GOT OFF SCOTT FREE..

samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 11:37 am

You Guys Are So Great!!!!!!!!!!! I Havent Had Any One To Talk To Since He Slept With The Only 2 Friends I Had. I Wish I Had Found Yall Sooner

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:16 pm

Samantha...You didn't say that the 2 girls were friends of yours. Wow. Even tougher! You can't allow him to ignore this. Pretending it never happened when it's still so heavy on your mind will not help the situation.

I have a feeling he may feel vindicated in his cheating because you did too.

And as far as the girl you still see, this is what I would do, however, I am a very stubborn, fearless type person, and this may not be the appropriate action for you: I would go to her the next time you see her, ask to talk to her alone, (don't confront her in front of the family or your husband), and tell her you KNOW what she did. Just that you know. No threats, no screaming, but tell her. Tell her she hurt you, you can't trust her, but TELL HER YOU KNOW!!! If she has even the teeniest conscience at all, she will have the grace to be ashamed of herself, and empowers you, as well. Again, this is what I would do, and you may not feel in a position to take such a strong stand.

By the way, welcome to the Garden. I hope you stick around here, because you can get a lot of good insight from some very wise people here. They are great!

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:51 pm

If your husband won't go with you, go by yourself. I think it will still help.

Just getting your feelings out here with all of us should make you feel a

little better, too.

Hun I don't think there's a single one of us here who hasn't done something

that they regretted later. It happens, especially at a young age. Don't

beat yourself up OR your husband. He sounds like a keeper to me. And

time will help you get those images out of your mind. Time and your husband

continuing to act in a forthright manner.

And as far as BabyRider's suggestion that you talk to this woman, if you

can find the gumption to do it, it might make you feel a little superior.

I know it did me when I was in a similar situation once. (With a BF, not

my husband but still). For all you know, she might be thinking ha-ha she

doesn't know what I did with her husband. Be sugar sweet and say

something along the lines of "My husband loves me enough to tell me

what he did". That'll disavow her of the notion she's got one over on you!

angeleyes · Post by **angeleyes** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:56 am

Spam,

Isn't this just what I've been telling you. But I guess it helps to hear it from others who know what you are going through. I love you and you take care of this how you see fit. We are all behind you. Talk soon.

Angel eyes,

Austin says Hi

samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 7:56 pm

this is great advice but i have already talked to both of these girls they both denied the fact to begin with and 8 months later one confessed but claimed he scared her into doing it... the brothers girlfriend hasent confessed she swares that he only said he cheated to make me mad for cheating and that it wasn't true.... we had a wounderful littel cheaters get together where everybody was there except the brother.... it lasted about a week somebody wanted info about the situation everyday but it finally calmed down.. i made sure they knew that i knew.... so what now... my husband actully told the other girls husband that it happened right in front of her.... so they know i know and hate them......

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 3:44 pm

Samantha, just the fact that they know YOU know is big. It gives you power. And if these girls DON'T have the grace to be ashamed, you're better off knowing the truth about them. The truth may not always be pleasant, but at least you're not sitting there, in the dark about the whole thing, and looking like a fool in the eyes of these girls. They can deny from here till the Second Coming, and it dosen't matter. Find some new friends, stay faithful, and forget them. They are not worth the agony or the effort. Join some new discussions here, (I think you have, right?) and enjoy. The guilt they will suffer, even denying this to you is sweet justice. Be polite yet cool, keep your head and this attitude will see you coming out on the other side with your head high.

Thanks for the email by the way! I have been having problems with Yahell and just got it a little while ago. And feel free to contact me anytime, okay? :yh_peace

samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 9:41 am

Thank you all so much, your advice has really helped me to realize how stupid it was for me to hold on to this for so long... starting today im letting go....youll never know how much of a weight that has been lifted, its amazing how people you dont even know will go out of their way to help and make you feel better..I guess there are still a few good people left in the world.... thank you, but please dont go anywhere i have a feeling this is going to be a long hard road......THANKS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!