I am Sorry for bothering you!

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 3:20 pm

Oh, Susie, I'm SOOOO sorry you have one of "those" mothers. Here's what I would do: Pay for the reception yourselves. Get help from your dad, get help where you need it, but DON'T take money for this party from your mother. It takes away all her say-so, and then, if she dosen't go, it's on her. Explain that you want her there, but are not going to have several receptions to keep her out of sight from your father. This is inexcusable. This day is YOURS AND TIM'S. NOT HERS!!!! She should put her petty B.S. attitude aside, make your day easy for you, and not deal with your dad at all! Is it going to be such a small gathering that she will be forced to talk to him? Here's another suggestion: Tell her to jump on the Garden, here, and we can tell her what a selfish person she is being.

Seriously...Don't let her pay for a thing, plan your party, invite EVERYONE, and tell your mom: "This is how it is, like it or lump it." I'd wager a whole month's worth of tips that if you take the power from her, she'll be at your reception. Just don't let her lay the guilt trip on you. I've been going on my mom's guilt trips for 34 years...It's just not worth it. If you have to, just SNAP. Flip out in front of her and tell her how much harder she is making things for you!

And by the way....This IS the "Advice and Relationships" forum, right? How could you be bothering anyone coming here for advice??? Luv ya! :yh_hugs

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 4:25 pm

Isn't your mom remarried? Then she needs to get over the divorce and learn to deal with it. Remind her this is YOUR day and not hers.

samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 9:56 am

JUST REMEMBER THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY, YOU MAKE THIS DAY THE WAY YOU AND TIM WANT IT. YOUR MOTHER OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD UNDRSTAND THAT.. DONT LET ANYONE SPOIL THIS FOR YOU... GOOD LUCK AND CONGRATS

Erinna1112 · Post by **Erinna1112** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 10:07 am

You're absolutely right...this is your day. You can't please everyone, and you have to decide where the boundaries are. Speaking of which, that's the title of a great book - "Boundaries" - it's by Dr. Henry Cloud...I enthusiastically recommend it.

BabyRider had some great advice. Don't take any money from her; that removes her from the decision-making process.

You have to stand up for yourself. She can't dictate the guest list at YOUR reception, and you need to tell her this now. You have every right to have whoever you want there, especially your father.

Tell her, "This is the guest list. I'm inviting these people because I love them and want them to share my special day. You're invited; whether you show up or not is up to you." Then leave it.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 10:44 am

tmbsgrl wrote: I wrote her a letter lastnight, She has not said anything to me yet. But she is probably busy with work. I do not see her all the time. I live 2000 miles away from her.

Wow girl it looks like you are in need of some stress relief

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:49 am

purple wrote: I recently had a similar situation, and it was very stressful.

What we decided is to invite everyone we wanted. People's issues/conflicts with each other are just that--things with EACH OTHER, not with us. Those issues had nothing to do with us, and we were not about to adopt the issues by choosing sides.

Of course, your mom should be a grown up and attend your wedding. It's pathetic for her to bring her own personal issues into this. Once she decided to have kids, she gave up the right to avoid your dad forever and ever. And anyways, no one is asking her to forgive him or act all chummy with him. All that's being asked of her is to just be in the same room with him and refrain from acting out. That's well within reason to request from an adult. But you know this already, and us saying it changes nothing.

We were really glad we invited everyone, and don't regret it for a minute. 1 parent refused to attend, and it was very sad. She tried to make us accept her point of view that she didn't want to be around her ex, but we weren't going to agree. Our relationship with her won't be the same again. We lost some respect for her. But like I said, we don't regret it at all. It was HER behavior, HER choice, and SHE must accept the consequences for that.

Yep Parents no matter what.... my ex and I call it co-parenting and for life he and I are tied together because of our children. It does not mean I have to like the guy (god forbid) but it does mean we have an obligation to guide our children jointly.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 12:45 pm

Well Hon I hope you tell her just that, you love her, and accept her decision because you have no other choice. Let her know she will be missed and tell her you will send pictures.

greydeadhead · Post by **greydeadhead** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:20 pm

1) you are not overreacting

2) you are right.. it is yours and Tims day

3) invite her. If she doesn't show up.. it is her loss

4) don't let her guilt trip ya..

I gotta hand it to you both. You are being way more patient than I could ever be with my parents.. stick to your guns and do it your way...

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 2:33 pm

tmbsgrl wrote: Yesterday was a HORRIBLE day for me! I am sorry i let it all out on you all. I just needed outside opinions. Today is a lot better. My Daughter is SOOO much better today! We intend to invite whoever we want. And if my mom doesn't show up then that is her problem. I love her so much and it hurts me to think that she would not be there on the most important day of my life. All i can do is invite her and if she doesn't come then oh well i guess!
Absolutely!!!! I'm SOOO glad to hear this. You're right about your mom, and you can't let this ruin this day. Again, I'd be willing to bet that she shows anyway. She wants control, and when she sees she can't have it, she'll fall in line. Good for you, Susie.

And I'm glad your daughter is doing better. That's too much stress for you to be dealing with all at once.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 3:06 pm

Listen Susie. You CAN'T live your life for your family. They have zero compunction about blowing off the biggest day of your life, because they can't let go of petty arguments and ancient friggin' history. The problems these people have with each other are not your problems, and you are not responsible for their actions. They are asking you to choose sides, and that is UNFAIR and WRONG. I will NEVER be able to tolerate people who use their children as pawns in their stupid, vindictive, bitter mind-games. You win if you invite everyone you want there and don't concern yourself with the ones who can't let go enough to be there for you. Don't beg, don't cry, don't try to moderate this fight. IT'S NOT YOUR FIGHT!!! Just invite who you want, and be done with it. Tell the rest to go pi$$ in a high wind.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 3:23 pm

I say make love and have peace and thats it! Just do it. :-4

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 3:56 pm

tmbsgrl wrote: Ok i am sorry for bother you again with my problems. But i have more family issues. I talked to my mom & my sister.. Both REFUSE to be there. They are willing to give me up then go in the same room with my dad. He is not a bad person, Just a bad divorce. I have done everything that i could and now i am out of options. I have given up on my family since they have given up on me. Am i doing the right thing?

Perhaps you could have them read this thread and have them think about what they are doing to you. Gawd it isn't like you are asking your mother and father to hold hands and walk you down the isle.

Barring all that hun I say just have your wedding and do your absolute best to enjoy

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 4:29 pm

If some-one is saying SORRY for BOTHERING U, they have bothered you for nothing? Susie you don't have enough to do, you are focused on one thing in your life, thats not good. Get into something that keeps you so busy you forget what day it is, nothing will ever bother you again!

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 5:53 pm

If you invite them put them at a table far away from the head table. Thats what we did, the problem people in the far back of room. or just don't invite them? don't dwell put them in the back...hahahahaha :wah: