Medicating Cats

[Chookie]

1) Pick up cat from in front of fireplace, cradle it in the crook of left arm (right arm if you are left-handed). Position thumb and forefinger on either side of cats' mouth and apply gentle pressure to cats' cheeks while holding pill in other hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into cats mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Clean dust from pill, retrieve cat from behind sofa. Repeat step 1.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw away soggy pill. Immobilise cats back legs, force its jaws open, push the pill to the back of its mouth and hold there for a count of 10.

4 )Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, retrieve cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse for assistance.

5 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, ensure that you have immobilised both front and rear paws. Ignore noises being made by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly whilst forcing wooden ruler into mouth, drop pill down ruler and massage cats throat vigourously for a minute.

6)Retrieve cat from under bed, take new pill out of packet. Make note to buy new ruler and replace curtains.

7) Wrap cat in large towel, get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible. Put pill on end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down straw to propel pill into cat.

8) Mime spouse to thump you on back to prevent choking. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to get rid of taste. Apply dressing to spouse's arm and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

9) Retrieve cat from neighbours roof. Take another pill out of packet. Stuff cat in cupboard and close door, leaving only head showing, force mouth open with dessert spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10) Fetch screwdriver and put door back on hinges, apply cold compress to cheek, check date of last tetanus shot.

11) Call Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Take last pill out of packet.

12)Tie cats front and back legs to heavy dining table, don heavy-duty gardening gloves. Force cats mouth open with metal object. Push pill into mouth followed by large daud of cat food. Hold cat vertically by front legs and pour half pint of water down its throat to wash down pill.

13)Get spouse to drive you to A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches up your fingers and forearm before removing fragments of pill from you eyes. Call in at furniture shop after leaving hospital, order new dining table.

14)Arrange for vet to make house call.