joke thread
joke thread
this got me thinking as jimbo posted what i thought was a funny joke. Would it be poss if we could start a joke thread up
The rottie queen
joke thread
neffy;677441 wrote: this got me thinking as jimbo posted what i thought was a funny joke. Would it be poss if we could start a joke thread up
Neffy are you feeling alright sweetie? I only ask 'cos you used the words Jimbo and funny in the same sentence.......
Neffy are you feeling alright sweetie? I only ask 'cos you used the words Jimbo and funny in the same sentence.......
Originally Posted by spot
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
joke thread
Imladris;677442 wrote: Neffy are you feeling alright sweetie? I only ask 'cos you used the words Jimbo and funny in the same sentence.......
Immy - you took the words out of my mouth....:wah::wah:
Immy - you took the words out of my mouth....:wah::wah:
Very nearly perfect ... 
joke thread
pinkchick;677443 wrote: Immy - you took the words out of my mouth....:wah::wah:
Heh heh! Great minds and all that
Heh heh! Great minds and all that
Originally Posted by spot
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
joke thread
Uncle Kram;677451 wrote: Is that a euphemism? :-3
Ummmmmm..........
Oooooppps:o
:wah:
Ummmmmm..........
Oooooppps:o
:wah:
Very nearly perfect ...
joke thread
Imladris;677442 wrote: Neffy are you feeling alright sweetie? I only ask 'cos you used the words Jimbo and funny in the same sentence.......
do i need to remind you that its only 5 weeks till the daddy long legs (crane flies) spawn in their masses :sneaky:
mwaaaooohhhh mwaaaooohh mwaaaooohhh mwaaaoooohh mwaaaooohh mwoooaaaahh mwaaaoooh mwaaaooohh ,repeat 10 times or untill you are scared sh1tless which ever comes first :p:D
do i need to remind you that its only 5 weeks till the daddy long legs (crane flies) spawn in their masses :sneaky:
mwaaaooohhhh mwaaaooohh mwaaaooohhh mwaaaoooohh mwaaaooohh mwoooaaaahh mwaaaoooh mwaaaooohh ,repeat 10 times or untill you are scared sh1tless which ever comes first :p:D
joke thread
neffy;677441 wrote: this got me thinking as jimbo posted what i thought was a funny joke. Would it be poss if we could start a joke thread up
i thought it was really funny oh well neffy you cant please them all :rolleyes::rolleyes:
i thought it was really funny oh well neffy you cant please them all :rolleyes::rolleyes:
joke thread
Uncle Kram;677451 wrote: Is that a euphemism? :-3
yzgi came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded yzgi , "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
yzgi was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
yzgi was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking Around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies yzgi, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never" replies yzgi. "Well just relax and let it happen".
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was Overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg He
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"yzgi, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sh*t the bed!!"
:wah::wah: i owed him that one
__________________
yzgi came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded yzgi , "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
yzgi was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
yzgi was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking Around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies yzgi, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never" replies yzgi. "Well just relax and let it happen".
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was Overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg He
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"yzgi, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sh*t the bed!!"
:wah::wah: i owed him that one
__________________
joke thread
jimbo;677475 wrote: yzgi came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded yzgi , "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
yzgi was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
yzgi was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking Around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies yzgi, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never" replies yzgi. "Well just relax and let it happen".
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was Overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg He
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"yzgi, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sh*t the bed!!"
:wah::wah: i owed him that one
__________________
Jimbo you're priceless:wah::wah:
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded yzgi , "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
yzgi was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
yzgi was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking Around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies yzgi, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never" replies yzgi. "Well just relax and let it happen".
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was Overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg He
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"yzgi, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sh*t the bed!!"
:wah::wah: i owed him that one
__________________
Jimbo you're priceless:wah::wah:
Very nearly perfect ...
joke thread
oh uh a god squad joke :-3:-3
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that *******!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a ******* fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge *******" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is Gods house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that ******* and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this ******* for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" She exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a *******, " says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that ******* tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the *******!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the *******!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the *******!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You ****are alright."
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that *******!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a ******* fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge *******" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is Gods house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that ******* and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this ******* for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" She exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a *******, " says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that ******* tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the *******!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the *******!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the *******!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You ****are alright."
joke thread
ok moving swiftly on :wah::wah:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball
hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony,
lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence,
however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell!"
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball
hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony,
lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence,
however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell!"
-
[love]light
- Posts: 338
- Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2007 6:04 pm
joke thread
jimbo;677475 wrote: yzgi came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep......
.....The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg He
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"yzgi, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sh*t the bed!!"
:wah::wah: i owed him that one
__________________
BURN!!!
.....The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg He
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"yzgi, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sh*t the bed!!"
:wah::wah: i owed him that one
__________________
BURN!!!
The most important things in life are:
laughter, love, and a healthy appreciation for the dark side!
laughter, love, and a healthy appreciation for the dark side!
joke thread
'[love wrote: light;677499']BURN!!!
:wah::wah:
:wah::wah:
joke thread
love it so tombstone what do you say? a joke thread ? i think it would be good laugh:wah::wah:
The rottie queen
joke thread
Guy walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder.
"What's his name" Says the barman.
Man.."His name's Tiny".
Barman.."Why's that".
Man.."Cause he's My Newt".......
"What's his name" Says the barman.
Man.."His name's Tiny".
Barman.."Why's that".
Man.."Cause he's My Newt".......
My dog's a cross between a Shihtzu and a Bulldog... It's a Bullsh!t..
joke thread
dubs;677532 wrote: Guy walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder.
"What's his name" Says the barman.
Man.."His name's Tiny".
Barman.."Why's that".
Man.."Cause he's My Newt".......
:wah::wah:
"What's his name" Says the barman.
Man.."His name's Tiny".
Barman.."Why's that".
Man.."Cause he's My Newt".......
:wah::wah:
The rottie queen
joke thread
dubs;677532 wrote: Guy walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder.
"What's his name" Says the barman.
Man.."His name's Tiny".
Barman.."Why's that".
Man.."Cause he's My Newt".......
cool :wah::wah:
"What's his name" Says the barman.
Man.."His name's Tiny".
Barman.."Why's that".
Man.."Cause he's My Newt".......
cool :wah::wah:
joke thread
'[love wrote: light;677499']BURN!!!
i have thought about this for a few hours now
what does burn have to do with my post
does it mean i should burn in hell
why dont you americans talk the same english as we do :wah::wah:
i have thought about this for a few hours now
what does burn have to do with my post
does it mean i should burn in hell
why dont you americans talk the same english as we do :wah::wah:
joke thread
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
good night even i dont find me funny antmore :rolleyes:
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
good night
even i dont find me funny antmore :rolleyes:joke thread
jimbo;677605 wrote: A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
good night even i dont find me funny antmore :rolleyes:
I DO JIMBO keep the jokes coming :-4
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
good night
even i dont find me funny antmore :rolleyes:I DO JIMBO keep the jokes coming :-4
The rottie queen
joke thread
AN OLDIE BUT GOODY no not me the joke :wah:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys . The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 8:00 AM .
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena
surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The
2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo 's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys . The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 8:00 AM .
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena
surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The
2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo 's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
-
RedGlitter
- Posts: 15777
- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 3:51 am
joke thread
jimbo;677583 wrote: i have thought about this for a few hours now
what does burn have to do with my post
does it mean i should burn in hell
why dont you americans talk the same english as we do :wah:
:wah:
It means an extreme insult. A good one. Like "owned."
"Oh man, what a BURN!"
"Ha! You got BURNED!"
Or just simply "BURN!"
It means that was a good one on poor YZGI.
But watch out....I know he's fixing to get you back!
what does burn have to do with my post
does it mean i should burn in hell
why dont you americans talk the same english as we do :wah:
:wah:
It means an extreme insult. A good one. Like "owned."
"Oh man, what a BURN!"
"Ha! You got BURNED!"
Or just simply "BURN!"
It means that was a good one on poor YZGI.
But watch out....I know he's fixing to get you back!
joke thread
RedGlitter;677788 wrote: :wah:
It means an extreme insult. A good one. Like "owned."
"Oh man, what a BURN!"
"Ha! You got BURNED!"
Or just simply "BURN!"
It means that was a good one on poor YZGI.
But watch out....I know he's fixing to get you back!
thanks red
yup old wise guy will get me back tenfold
i kinda like that he just has a joke with me ,now soberanal has gone even more so
how long till i get burned .... if thats the correct use of american lingo :wah:
It means an extreme insult. A good one. Like "owned."
"Oh man, what a BURN!"
"Ha! You got BURNED!"
Or just simply "BURN!"
It means that was a good one on poor YZGI.
But watch out....I know he's fixing to get you back!
thanks red
yup old wise guy will get me back tenfold
i kinda like that he just has a joke with me ,now soberanal has gone even more so
how long till i get burned .... if thats the correct use of american lingo :wah:
-
RedGlitter
- Posts: 15777
- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 3:51 am
joke thread
That's the right lingo, all right.
Yeah it is a big loss to not have Soberano here. He was a quality person and if you get to talk to him, you can tell him I said so, that and I wish him well on the bluegrass. I miss him.
Yeah it is a big loss to not have Soberano here. He was a quality person and if you get to talk to him, you can tell him I said so, that and I wish him well on the bluegrass. I miss him.
joke thread
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF :wah::wah:
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF :wah::wah:
The rottie queen
joke thread
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
The rottie queen
-
[love]light
- Posts: 338
- Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2007 6:04 pm
joke thread
A mushroom walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and orders a beer.
Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
The mushroom sighs and says "Look I have had a really tough day and all I want is to drink a cold beer."
Bartender: "We don't serve your kind here."
Mushroom loses it, and starts to cry "Plllleeeeeeeeeeease give me a beer."
Bartender shakes his head.
The mushroom whines "Why not??? I'm a fun guy!"
(get it? Fun guy = Fungi. Oh yes, its a funny funny joke.)
Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
The mushroom sighs and says "Look I have had a really tough day and all I want is to drink a cold beer."
Bartender: "We don't serve your kind here."
Mushroom loses it, and starts to cry "Plllleeeeeeeeeeease give me a beer."
Bartender shakes his head.
The mushroom whines "Why not??? I'm a fun guy!"
(get it? Fun guy = Fungi. Oh yes, its a funny funny joke.)
The most important things in life are:
laughter, love, and a healthy appreciation for the dark side!
laughter, love, and a healthy appreciation for the dark side!
joke thread
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know.":wah::wah:
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know.":wah::wah:
The rottie queen
joke thread
neffy;678521 wrote: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF :wah::wah:
:wah::wah: I especially like number 11
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF :wah::wah:
:wah::wah: I especially like number 11
FOC THREAD PART1
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr.
joke thread
a moron jimbo joke 
:D
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." :wah::wah:
:DA man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." :wah::wah:
joke thread
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
just say stop folks :wah::wah:
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
just say stop folks :wah::wah:
joke thread
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
joke thread
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
joke thread
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "Where's my Rolex???"
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "Where's my Rolex???"
joke thread
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says
joke thread
ok last one ...good night
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".
- That's Direct Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?".
- That's Advertising.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow mop up her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
- That's Tele-Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
- That's Customer Relationship Management.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You put on your spring boots and walk around playing Mr. Busy. You put on your best smile and walk around being Mr. Congenial. You fresh all the Thesaurus links in your memory and play Mr. Polished. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
- That's Hard Selling.
You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
- Now THAT is the power of Branding.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".
- That's Direct Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?".
- That's Advertising.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow mop up her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
- That's Tele-Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
- That's Customer Relationship Management.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You put on your spring boots and walk around playing Mr. Busy. You put on your best smile and walk around being Mr. Congenial. You fresh all the Thesaurus links in your memory and play Mr. Polished. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
- That's Hard Selling.
You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
- Now THAT is the power of Branding.
joke thread
jimbo;679406 wrote: a moron jimbo joke :D
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
loved all of them jimbo but this made me laugh:wah:
:DA man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
loved all of them jimbo but this made me laugh:wah:
The rottie queen
joke thread
True Australian ghost story
This story happened a while ago in Sydney, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand
repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and
... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John,
were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce ?? there's that
freakingidiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
This story happened a while ago in Sydney, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand
repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and
... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John,
were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce ?? there's that
freakingidiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
joke thread
Mia;679894 wrote: True Australian ghost story
This story happened a while ago in Sydney, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand
repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and
... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John,
were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce ?? there's that
freakingidiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
:wah::wah:
This story happened a while ago in Sydney, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand
repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and
... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John,
were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce ?? there's that
freakingidiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
:wah::wah:
joke thread
God says to Adam:
'Adam, I have a great idea to create for you a perfect companion.
Someone who will care for you, love you, meet your needs in every way and make you the happiest creature that I have created....
There is only one thing though,
I will require from you one testicle and a lung to make this happen'
Adam thinks about and says:
'What will you give me for a rib?'
and the rest is history!!!!
:wah:
'Adam, I have a great idea to create for you a perfect companion.
Someone who will care for you, love you, meet your needs in every way and make you the happiest creature that I have created....
There is only one thing though,
I will require from you one testicle and a lung to make this happen'
Adam thinks about and says:
'What will you give me for a rib?'
and the rest is history!!!!
:wah:
joke thread
mikeinie;680340 wrote: God says to Adam:
'Adam, I have a great idea to create for you a perfect companion.
Someone who will care for you, love you, meet your needs in every way and make you the happiest creature that I have created....
There is only one thing though,
I will require from you one testicle and a lung to make this happen'
Adam thinks about and says:
'What will you give me for a rib?'
and the rest is history!!!!
:wah:
:wah::wah:
'Adam, I have a great idea to create for you a perfect companion.
Someone who will care for you, love you, meet your needs in every way and make you the happiest creature that I have created....
There is only one thing though,
I will require from you one testicle and a lung to make this happen'
Adam thinks about and says:
'What will you give me for a rib?'
and the rest is history!!!!
:wah:
:wah::wah:
The rottie queen
joke thread
Einstein: My wife doesn't understand me....
joke thread
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would
like some more.
I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!'
'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde 'Do you have the
container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' She returns
with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it
and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container.........
....(Wait for it).....
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'
Sorry blondes:o
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would
like some more.
I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!'
'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde 'Do you have the
container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' She returns
with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it
and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container.........
....(Wait for it).....
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'
Sorry blondes:o
FOC THREAD PART1
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr.
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chocoholic
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joke thread
Three Women -- one German, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly, were sitting in a sauna, suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager, she said. " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech, not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that,..... I'm gettin' a fax."...............
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech, not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that,..... I'm gettin' a fax."...............