children only a parent can love

Post by **Victor Meldrew** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 1:12 am

Jimbo I am so sorry to hear about your situation and what has happened to your daughter.

I know what she says may hurt but just be there for her when she needs it, let her off load on you, listen to her and show her that you do care and that you will be there for her.

Hang in there buddy.

Regards,

VM

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 1:47 am

Jimbo I really feel for you. I bought my son up as a single mum for the first4 years of his life and then his dad took him away overseas. I had no way of fighting him as I didnt have the money he had. Anyhow he sent him back to me at the age of 10 because he had met someone and she didnt want my son. He came back in a dreadful condition health wise and was very angry and rebellious. He tried to stab his sister on many occassion got into drugs broke into peoples homes etc all this nearly broke me. I cried buckets, it just broke my heart to see. Anyhow to cut a long story short he is now 33 has a partner and 3 beautiful children and a full time job. He dosent go out of his way to contact me but when I go over to visit he is always nice to me but I know he still blames me and has a small chip on his shoulder but i will always love and adore him no matter what. He is now a good father and a descent human being. So Jimbo there is a light at the end of the tunnel so hang in there and just love your daughter. Good luck :-4

Bored_Wombat · Post by **Bored_Wombat** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 1:59 am

Is she still seeing a psychologist or at least a councillor Jim?

I've got no kids myself, but I've heard that going into the teen years can be a lot of stress for everyone even without the raped at 13 issues and subsequent dependency issues. I suspect that this won't get better for a bit ... certainly not on its own.

But certainly hang in there, as best you can. You've got a difficult situation to envy, mind.

Carolly · Post by **Carolly** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:03 am

Jim let me tell you something.I was pushed around from pillar to post as a child.I never ever knew who my father was except he was meant to be no good.I knew the love of foster parents for 5 years and then I was just dragged away and put in an orphanage and then one day my mother collected me to live with her. Live with a woman who at that point was bitter and twisted and a heavy drinker.She made my life hell and lost me so many friends.But ye know what Jim.........all it did was make me strong.None of this feel sorry for me thing as I haven't a father and he is out there and dont give a stuff.People at that time looked down on me and some showed it.Jim I had a real crap childhood with no love and a woman who took out her bitterness on me.When I hear about kids doing this an that because of their loveless upbringing or only one parent sorry but it just dont wash.It made me a survivor.....it made me go out and show em..... it also made me realise that love is so important to give and to recieve.

Your daughter has been through a rape and has been to hell and back because of it Im sure.Heaven knows how it must have destroyed her faith in people and yes you Jim as in her mind you wasn't there to protect her from this.Her being as she is is not your fault Jim because you wasn't there..........its because of what shes been through in that rape and even the people she has mixed with.To have only one parent does not turn anybody into a monster........only circumstances.....so called friends.....and of course your inner self can do that.Stop punishing yourself Jim and just hope that one day she will be again your happy little girl.Until then just show her the love that she is so in need of without feeling the guilt you feel.......true love and love of guilt are two different things and knowing how much you love your daughter hopefully one day she will see that.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:27 am

Victor's right, Jim. Let her unload on you. You've got big shoulders and she knows you're strong. Most kids only lash out when they know it's safe. She sees you as safe. Keep her safe.

Several of my students are like this. Parents are at the end of their ropes. Some are ready to give it up. Some already have (one student lives with his sister). At the beginning of the year a couple of them dumped years of bitterness and abuse on my head, as if I'd done all of it myself. When I didn't budge, didn't let up, but also didn't leave and didn't push them away, our relationship changed. I'm told I'm tight, really tight most of the time ... and that's a good thing in their slang.

They still screw up, legally as well as academically, the first question to me is usually something like, "I guess you don't think I'm such a good kid now, do you?" But I'm Mr. Consistent. I never budge, never let up, but also never leave and never push them away. No matter what.

Be the one consistent person she can depend on. No matter what. :-6

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:53 am

Just keep loving her Jimbo ... keep being strong for her ... keep being someone she can (and eventually will) rely on .... just keep loving her and letting her know it.

And those days when she is acting up (being a big sh1t, and sh1tting back on the world she feels let her down) .. be strong, show her where she's going wrong, show her you are the strength for her right now, as you guide her .... and slowly show her that there are some great people out there, and they are not all just waiting to hurt her.

Believe me Jimbo, I know the attitude she has ... as child you can only put up with so many people sh1tting on you, then you kick back!

Just keep showing her you love her, and guide her back to trusting. :-4:-4

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:09 am

Hang in there Jimbo - don't have kids, but have great respect for the way you are trying to deal with this issue.

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:15 am

Oh and in answer to you OP question .... she might be acting like a big sh1t right now, but she's your big sh1t :wah::-4 And anyone who has had children, and knows the love they cause in your heart, will understand. :-4

She's riding some rough waves right now- help her keep her head above water - show her how to swim - and ignore those show-offs on their surf boards. :wah::-4:-4

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:29 am

You can’t fix the past Jimbo, you can only build the future.

Be there for her now.

Don’t dwell on what went wrong, she is still young and you can influence her future.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:33 am

Those times when you want to throw up your hands and give up, that's when she needs your love the most. Those times when you want to throw up your hands and give up, know there are people here who will let you vent. It's not just you she's angry with. It's the world. Just never give up. :-4

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 7:23 am

I have no idea what you are going through Jimbo, but wish you the best. Most circumstances like this that I have witnessed seemed to get better as the child ages. I have a 24 yr old son who is very taxing at times but I know he has a good heart and will grow out of it eventually. I am sure Chantelle probably has a very good heart also, which is a great starting point for a brighter future.

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:01 am

You cant make other people like her Jimbo, thats down to her really, but you love her because she is your daughter and you know her better than anyone, as long as she knows that, always, theres not much more you can do. You cant change the past, but you are there for her now. Dont worry about other peoples opinions, if they dont love her they dont matter:-4:-4

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:11 am

Darnitt...I had a long post and the phone rang and I musta hit a wrong button and poof it was gone!!:-5

I know you just want to hold her until the hurt goes away, all of us do for our children. I can't tell you how many times I've told my kids that I would love to take their hurt away and feel it for myself to spare them of suffering. I know it hurts to see her so angry, I have a son with major anger issues, and I've found that the calmer I am, the more it calms him down. We've been through the fighting and screaming, it isn't productive. My son hasn't been through half of what Chantelle has been through, but he does have bitterness and anger that go a flying without a warning. I even try humor at times, but that usually backfires that I don't care about him enough to be serious....

Fact of the matter is my friend, she is your baby girl, and she needs to heal...she's not going to heal by being rejected by everyone. Blaming you for not being there is all she can do, she has to blame someone.....and I can understand that, but it isn't fair to you either....but you know all this to be true in your heart already.....just hold her when you can, let her know that you won't give up on her and love her un-conditionally....:-4

My prayers are with you at this trying time my friend!

Skylar · Post by **Skylar** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:26 am

Hi Jim, sorry about your problems. good advice in this thread.

mikeinie;844570 wrote: You can’t fix the past Jimbo, you can only build the future.

Be there for her now.

Don’t dwell on what went wrong, she is still young and you can influence her future.

I'm with Mike. the past is behind you both, leave it there and work on your future now. She is who she is because of it, so dwelling on the past is no good.

Once she can learn to trust again, her anger will disappear and then she'll have friends. No one wants to be around an angery person.

She's come back to you, so make a difference for her now.Laughter is good medicine, listen to her and give her a shoulder to lean on or hug when she needs it. it'll take time, but there is much hope for her. Others have been thru worse and made it.

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:11 pm

Might I be the unwelcome voice of caution.

Much as Chantelle is your daughter and, of course, you have to do all that you can to help and heal her, you cannot forget Suzy and your other children - they deserve of your time and love also.

Whilst you have to do all you can for Chantelle, you must also ensure that you do not risk hurting the rest of your family in doing so.

It's an unenviable position to be in and may you have the strength and wisdom to find your way through it.

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:46 am

jimbo;846101 wrote: i had a great day with chantelle yesterday perhaps the best i've had in thirteen years or so , she actually hugged me a couple of times and said she loved me .... not much to shout about there you might say but for me it was fantastic i really welled up big time

i really thank every one for all your advice , i get like a dog chasing its tail i really do ....it all just goes round and round in my head till i get exhausted

Good to hear you and Chantelle had a good day ... here's wishing you more days of fun together. Each day is one step closer. :-4

Now about you acting like a dog ....

I hope the tail chasing is the only similarity ...... I mean you do wash your 'parts' like humans don't you? ....

just checking

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:53 am

jimbo;846144 wrote: if only i could wash them in a doggie like way pheasy if i only could :wah::wah::wah:
wouldn't that be considered self induced beastiality..

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:46 pm

Awww, great news about the good day with Chantelle!! I am so happy to hear/read that report, and here is hoping many more days like that one to come for you and Chantelle!!!:-4:-4:-4

As for the dog analogy, I ain't touching that with a 10 foot bone...nuh uh...not me!!

cars · Post by **cars** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:52 am

jimbo there's a saying that goes:

You always hurt the one you love the most!

"Be strong", but that's much easier said then done! In time, your daughter (still really a child now) will mature, and should eventually begin to understand the magnitude of the entire situation from all sides.

Untill then, Best Wishes mate!

Post by **spot** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:30 am

She sounds as if she's bored and unmotivated at the moment. Nobody can force interests on her but maybe she has some she'd like to build but doesn't know how to start. I'm not sure that just asking her straight out would discover what but it would be good to help her get a focus on them.

Post by **spot** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:42 am

The common conversation is "what do you want", "don't know stop going on all the time". You know better than "you'll have to change your attitude young lady" which improves her chances. She doesn't believe there's a magic button she can press which grants wishes, if she did then she might work out what to wish for. Apathy's a dreadful time-waster.

Or am I wrong? Is there something she wants and she knows she wants and she can't work out how to get?

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:47 am

Jimbo, is she still getting help? Has it worked at all?

Post by **spot** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:13 am

You're giving her your time and your attention, that's something nobody can buy. I bet she stands a lot more chance of a healthy mind with you than she had elsewhere.

Life's not meant to be easy.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 2:09 am

Oh Jimbo I'm sorry all this is happening, but like others have said you have to be there no matter what. Everytime she throws anger at you, you have to respond with love, everytime. You have to become the one person she can trust, eventually that trust will extend to other people.

Is she seeing a psychologist regularly? She needs rehabilitation, is she getting any? Did she have any counselling after the rape? You also need support, and you could come to my house for coffee together anytime. :-4

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:00 pm

Just keep loving her.

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:08 pm

End of the day no matter what at least she knows you love her and want her. She knows you will do anything for her and you cant buy that. Keep strong my friend:-4

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:35 pm

Don't neglect yourself, take time to just be Jimbo, not Chantelle's dad, Suzy's punchbag (!), the puppy's soul mate or FG's resident moron, if you forget to look after your own welfare/mental health you'll crack up and be no good to anyone.

Kettle's on if you're passing any time - may even be fart cake in the cupboard.

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:24 pm

Jimborooni,

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you are doing your very best!

You re there for her and you love her!

That's what's important :-4:-6