Child Custody-Just how F***ed up the system is

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:27 pm

Godiva Girl wrote: When my parents divorced in the early 80's my mother had us during the week and my father got the standard every other weekend and 1 night a week visitation of my sister and I. I was 8yrs old at the time and most of my friends parents who were divorced their fathers had the same type of visitation. It just made sense. Know more and more I hear about this joint custody where the child spends 1 week with one parent and 1 week with another and is just shuffeled back and forth every other week. I do not understand this system. If I had been moved back and forth every week I think that I would have been greatly affected. Imagine spending 1week in 1 home and sleeping in one bed and then the next week sleeping in another bed in the other parents home on a different schedule, never being able to settle in. How can a child have a stable homelife under those circumstances? How did this joint 50%-50% custody start and what does everyone out there think of it?

50 50 custody is crap especially 1 week here 1 week there. A child has adjustment time and it skews them all up. My daughter tried this arrangement with her father and it was pure hell. She would go off to dad's and then come home sunday and sunday nite and monday nites were pure hell as she faught like a banshee with her sister and I, she was making adjustments from dad's to my house. She would just settle enough to be happy and come sunday again she was shuttled off to dad's house. She was a mess. Finally she asked it to stop and moved back full time with me and it took her over 2 months to settle. She nearly burned my house down, nearly flooded me out, and ruin my hardwood flooring, she left burn marks on her bed, my couch and my back deck. All out of frustration. What makes it even more difficult is she had her sister with me full time so she would come to my house and try and fit in and that was tough on both girls, then she would go to her dad's and be confronted with his g/f's children and try and fit in there and it was very tough on her. Not to mention she has ADHD on top of all this.

I think if it is to be a 50 50 split go a month at a time. It offers up time for the child to settle in to both places. It is a tough call mind you kids really are in a no win situation here.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:50 pm

sometimes parents are so determined to enforce their legal rights they are not concerned with the effect on the child. if there is a significant problem arising from the custody orders one may go back into court and ask that they are modified IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD, which is the legal standard in the US.

LottomagicZ4941 · Post by **LottomagicZ4941** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 5:01 pm

Perhpas divorce would not be so common if the kids of divorced parents were just put up for adoption.

Lotto

http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/ ... elcome-344

MagicZ4941A

cars · Post by **cars** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 5:19 pm

LottomagicZ4941 wrote: Perhpas divorce would not be so common if the kids of divorced parents were just put up for adoption.

Lotto

http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/ ... elcome-344

MagicZ4941A

Unfortunately, the "children" in a divorce sometimes are the ones who really suffer the most of all. It's a sorry state of affairs! :-5

(Maybe Lotto has a point!)

Cars :driving:

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Mar 10, 2005 8:58 am

lady cop wrote: sometimes parents are so determined to enforce their legal rights they are not concerned with the effect on the child. if there is a significant problem arising from the custody orders one may go back into court and ask that they are modified IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD, which is the legal standard in the US.

In an ideal world this is the way it would be. In reality, the courts don't always seem to have the best interest of the child in mind.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Mar 10, 2005 10:38 am

LottomagicZ4941 wrote: Perhpas divorce would not be so common if the kids of divorced parents were just put up for adoption.

Lotto

http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/ ... elcome-344

MagicZ4941A

Ouch that would be just plain mean

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Thu Mar 10, 2005 10:41 am

minks wrote: Ouch that would be just plain mean

Uuuhhhh....YEAH!! I'm thinking that was tongue-in-cheek. I'm HOPING it was. That's just crazy....

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Mar 10, 2005 10:47 am

BabyRider wrote: Uuuhhhh....YEAH!! I'm thinking that was tongue-in-cheek. I'm HOPING it was. That's just crazy....

Yep cause some times divorce is emminent and god forbid the children are taken from the caring parent. That would have been my undoing to have to have faught for my children when I divorced their father. I conveniently have the other problem I can't get the jerk to see his own kids. hehehehe (i really dont' call it a problem for me but you know what I mean)

jahamaa · Post by **jahamaa** » Thu Mar 10, 2005 10:51 am

My first marriage ended when my son was 18 months old so I have some first hand knowledge of this subject.

As was said in a different thread, the problem comes when parents use the children against each other.

Everything I read, and I read alot when this happened to me, told me that the number one thing that affected kids in divorce was they thought the noncustodial parent had abandoned them and that they were at fauld.

I would never have exposed my son to this type of custodial arrangement and no one would find it nessessary to come up with this system if parents would keep the needs of the kids first.

This means that the custodial parent, usually the mother, takes on, wether she likes it not, the job to see that the child knows they still have another parent and make it possible for the other parent to be a parent.

When the parents are not adult and they don't meet their responciblities in this area, in my opinion this is were the problem really starts.

And when they come up with an idea like this custody arrangement unfortunatly the good people who want to do what is right for their kids and by their ex's get caught up.

I actually did a paper on this for a course I was taking at our local university and could say more on the subject but I don't like long posts so please know, I understand the subject is more complex than what I have written here and some of what I wrote should have been qualified and wasn't to keep this as brief as possible.

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Mar 10, 2005 9:51 pm

I've seen one arrangement where they let their five year old daughter decide how much time she wanted to spend with which parent. It would be one week here then one week there. Then three weeks here and three weeks there. She made sure to make it even. What horrible pressure to put on a five year old. She had two different schools and attended them randomly. Twisted.

Then there was an incredible woman whos ex accused her of all kinds of things, paid for a fancy lawyer and had her custody and visitation revoked out of spite. She finally found a lawyer to appeal it and has full custody again...after two years.

I've always been on friendly terms with my ex. We work together. He still only sees her on weekends and holidays. It is appropriate. I'm lucky.

Post by **kensloft** » Thu Mar 10, 2005 11:06 pm

When my ex and I separated the kids were the issue. I could become a gone parent or I could be a there parent. We decided that fighting over the kids would be stupid because it wasn't their fault. All I had to do was keep them from want and I could visit them whenever I wanted. It turned out to be almost everyday for years. She had custody, by our decision, I had access and the kids didn't have to hear stories about their evil dad or mom. It was not fun but they appreciated that I cared.

LottomagicZ4941 · Post by **LottomagicZ4941** » Fri Mar 11, 2005 4:33 am

Some of you already know my wife has already threatoned to divorce me.

She took a vow to love me in sickness and in health but now she puts me down for the health condition that I had the whole time we have been married and were dating.

It is not my fault that my sleep is all messed up.

I've taken melatonin, made the room dark, changed shifts at work.

Divorce should be a last and very rare thing. And divorce takes a parent away from a child. A parent should have a mom and dad not mom or dad.

My wife has not threatoned divorce since I basically told her mom on her. I would not choose to have my sleep messed up. Put in for work man's comp again. We had a sever staff shortage and I was promiced not to have to stay over twice in a row. I would stay over every other day. Then one day a different supervisor made me work a second day in a row and it totally destroyed my sleep.

Lotto

http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/ ... elcome-344

MagicZ4941A

Post by **kensloft** » Fri Mar 11, 2005 5:42 pm

LottomagicZ4941 wrote: Some of you already know my wife has already threatoned to divorce me.

She took a vow to love me in sickness and in health but now she puts me down for the health condition that I had the whole time we have been married and were dating.

It is not my fault that my sleep is all messed up.

I've taken melatonin, made the room dark, changed shifts at work.

Divorce should be a last and very rare thing. And divorce takes a parent away from a child. A parent should have a mom and dad not mom or dad.

My wife has not threatoned divorce since I basically told her mom on her. I would not choose to have my sleep messed up. Put in for work man's comp again. We had a sever staff shortage and I was promiced not to have to stay over twice in a row. I would stay over every other day. Then one day a different supervisor made me work a second day in a row and it totally destroyed my sleep.

Lotto

http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/ ... elcome-344

MagicZ4941A
Sure this person didn't have an eye on your significant other?