Wrong Words

[Sheryl]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

First Testimony: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

Second Testimony: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Third Testimony: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

Fourth Testimony: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Fifth Testimony: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "See mom, it's just farts!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

Last Testimony: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard

:wah:

[lady cop]

this was my best buddy Pam, down in the Keys...it's kind of "you really had to be there" but i was laughing for years...we were at the tiny airport in Marathon, she was flying to Miami and then on to PA. to visit her sister. she had a large box of lobsters we had caught out diving on the reef, packed in dry ice. security guy asked her what was in the box, and to my SHOCK and HORROR she said a BOMB!!! OMG i was riveted in disbelief!! (you'd have to know Pam, kind of nuts)...well the guy called for the police immediately, (i was not a cop in that county) and the next thing we know the federales are there! i just KNEW she was going to the federal pen in Miami! i had to do some very fast talking, i dumped out her purse and showed them she was on all kinds of medications for depression, and that she had no clue what she was saying, i essentially had to convince them she was droolingly INSANE!!! so the locals took the lobsters for "evidence" (yeah, right!) and let her board the plane. thankfully this was before 9-11, or i'd still be trying to get her out of the Krome detention center!! LOL

[devist8me]

A male co-worker and I stopped by a hardware store real quick at lunch. He was doing some repairs or something in his bathroom and needed some caulk. Once we got there, I picked out some flower seeds, then went to find him. As I walked up to him, he was trying to decide if he needed a small or large tube of caulk. We were short on time so I said, "Get the big one, I can use some extra caulk". Apparently it was loud as he got beet red.

And I'm the type not to catch onto stuff for like 5 seconds. Once that hit me, I let out a big laugh, which drew even more attention.

I hate when I do that stuff!!!