my 'little' brother, aged 40 died 11 weeks ago tomorrow. He suffered from bipolar disorder and during a manic episode he climbed over my father's 7th floor balcony and plunged to his death. My father couldn't get to him in time to stop him.
This all happened in Cape Town, South Africa and now I am back 'home' in London. I am lucky to have a couple of good friends, but at night time the horror and grief come on me and I feel desperately lonely and wish I had someone to cry with. I don't feel able to phone friends at 2am so I am hoping this forum and the people in it can offer some support.
Having lost my mother unexpectedly too over 13 years ago I am not new to mourning and grief, but somehow this is different. I am still finding it hard to believe that my brother is dead.
I had some counselling in Cape Town which was wonderful and was pleased to find that counselling was available here in London. However, I didn't like the counsellor here, felt she was too cold, intellectual; I was unsure as to whether or not she had ever experienced a close death or not, which somehow seems to make a difference to me. I decided to stop seeing her after two sessions and feel it might be better for me to write about my grief and pain here in a more welcoming and empathetic forum.
I had one of those horrid moments today when I was watching the news and saw that Federer had won the French Open and I just wanted to pick up the phone and chat to my brother about it - he once trained to be a professional tennis player and continued to follow it keenly - it was just awful realising that I couldn't have that conversation with him. Does anyone else get annoyed when people say, things like 'you can still talk to him/her/them' and feel that the truth is 'NO, YOU CAN'T'?
Has anyone in the UK phoned the Samaritans when they have felt the grief was too much?
Well, thank you for reading this, it helps me to cry when I write. I need to cry and cry and cry.
-1-1-1-1
:o
