Courtroom humor

[hoppy]

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are

> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

> published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while

> these exchanges were actually taking place.

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> WITNESS: I forget.

> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

> ___________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> _________________________ ___________

>

> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

> ___________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

> _________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> WITNESS: .......?

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> WITNESS: None.

> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a

> new attorney?

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> WITNESS: By death.

> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> WITNESS: Take a guess.

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard..

> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

> _____________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

> people?

> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

> ____________________________ _____________

>

> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

> WITNESS: Oral.

> _________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

> ____________________________________________

>

>

>

> And the best for last:

>

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

> pulse?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

> began t he autopsy?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

> nevertheless?

> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

> law.