I need some encouragement please....

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:38 am

Today marks the six month anniversary since my hubby died. It's like being in an ocean but I can't see the shore. The ocean waters are warm and comforting, yet I can't stay in the water to long because of the dangers that lurk under the surface just waiting for me to give up. I really need encouragement and hope that I'll see the shore soon, and prayers to give me the strength to reach it. :-1

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:46 am

shelbell;1239487 wrote: Today marks the six month anniversary since my hubby died. It's like being in an ocean but I can't see the shore. The ocean waters are warm and comforting, yet I can't stay in the water to long because of the dangers that lurk under the surface just waiting for me to give up. I really need encouragement and hope that I'll see the shore soon, and prayers to give me the strength to reach it. :-1 As you know Shell... I very nearly went through what you did and probably should have if not for a damn fine surgeon. I really don't know what to say other than that I know that your husband is alive every time you think of him. This is the poem that my father left us when he knew he was going to die. It has helped

:-4:-4 You are in my thoughts :-4

If I should die and leave you here awhile,

Be not like others, sore and undone,

Who keep long vigils by the silent dust, and weep.

For my sake - turn again to life and smile

Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do

Something to comfort other hearts than thine.

Complete those dear unfinished tasks of mine

And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

ANON

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:09 am

Donâ€™t pressure yourself to get over your loss, the loss is great and it will be with you a long time. It must seem like the world just continues to move on and people expect you to heal as time passes. Not the case, you only learn to live with the loss, you never really get over it.

The thing that must keep you going is the constant reminder that you must continuously give to yourself: what would your husband want for you? Cherish his memory by not by giving up, but by continuing on.

You feel that you are in an ocean and there are dangers underneath, when in fact it may be that you are swimming in an area where you can actually stand, and it is firm ground beneath you and the shore is all around you which you will see when you stand, where you can, if you allow yourself, absorb yourself in the beautiful sunset, and dream you are hand in hand watching it together.

You are not alone, he is still with you and so are we.

Wick3d D3vi4nt · Post by **Wick3d D3vi4nt** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:14 am

i do know the feeling Shelbel having lost my mom when i was young and had those feelings resurface when my dear friend G-man was ill earlier this year. it can become overwhelming i know--it feels just like drowning.

i believe in what is called the timekeeper theory, especially for women as we tend to have more difficulty than guys in maintaining a schedule (due to loss of external clues having to do with day-to-day routine) after such a loss. basicly we just need to establish a schedule. you should also spend time with loved ones shelbell.

G also said something that i felt was very eloquent and beautiful to our IRL friend Rachel, who also recenlty went through this, that really touched her and immediately put her at ease.... something like continue to love him.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:58 am

shelbell;1239487 wrote: Today marks the six month anniversary since my hubby died. It's like being in an ocean but I can't see the shore. The ocean waters are warm and comforting, yet I can't stay in the water to long because of the dangers that lurk under the surface just waiting for me to give up. I really need encouragement and hope that I'll see the shore soon, and prayers to give me the strength to reach it. :-1

It's still really early days, maybe you are expecting too much of yourself? You will keep slowly moving along and one day you will be on the beach and be able to look back without hurting quite so much. Make sure that along the way you take care of yourself, do what you need to do when you need to do it and not when others tell you you should :-4

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 10:15 am

sis, stop pressuring yourself to get over Grant as this can take many years.

Grant would want to see you happy and enjoying life, and not always being so down.

-it is a milestone.....6 months...........but have you looked at just how far you have come and the things you now do?

so stop being so hard on yourself sis.......its normal.

Your tough and you can do this.:-4

:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 11:53 am

I have no words to make things easier for you but all the strength and prayers I have to offer are yours.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 2:37 pm

oscar;1239488 wrote: As you know Shell... I very nearly went through what you did and probably should have if not for a damn fine surgeon. I really don't know what to say other than that I know that your husband is alive every time you think of him. This is the poem that my father left us when he knew he was going to die. It has helped

:-4:-4 You are in my thoughts :-4

If I should die and leave you here awhile,

Be not like others, sore and undone,

Who keep long vigils by the silent dust, and weep.

For my sake - turn again to life and smile

Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do

Something to comfort other hearts than thine.

Complete those dear unfinished tasks of mine

And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

ANON

Thanks Jules...that is a lovely poem and something to take to heart. :-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 2:45 pm

mikeinie;1239503 wrote: Donâ€™t pressure yourself to get over your loss, the loss is great and it will be with you a long time. It must seem like the world just continues to move on and people expect you to heal as time passes. Not the case, you only learn to live with the loss, you never really get over it.

The thing that must keep you going is the constant reminder that you must continuously give to yourself: what would your husband want for you? Cherish his memory by not by giving up, but by continuing on.

You feel that you are in an ocean and there are dangers underneath, when in fact it may be that you are swimming in an area where you can actually stand, and it is firm ground beneath you and the shore is all around you which you will see when you stand, where you can, if you allow yourself, absorb yourself in the beautiful sunset, and dream you are hand in hand watching it together.

You are not alone, he is still with you and so are we.

Very wise and comforting words Mike...thank you for putting a different perspective on what I was saying. And the dream you mention...that really hit home for me. Our dream was to grow old together holding hands the whole way...except it feels like that dream has now been ripped from me. But now I will hold onto that dream knowing he is with me even if I can't touch or see him...but he'll still be holding my hand. :-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 2:59 pm

Wick3d D3vi4nt;1239508 wrote: i do know the feeling Shelbel having lost my mom when i was young and had those feelings resurface when my dear friend G-man was ill earlier this year. it can become overwhelming i know--it feels just like drowning.

i believe in what is called the timekeeper theory, especially for women as we tend to have more difficulty than guys in maintaining a schedule (due to loss of external clues having to do with day-to-day routine) after such a loss. basicly we just need to establish a schedule. you should also spend time with loved ones shelbell.

G also said something that i felt was very eloquent and beautiful to our IRL friend Rachel, who also recenlty went through this, that really touched her and immediately put her at ease.... something like continue to love him.

Thank you WD...Some of these things are very true...I do know that I will never stop loving him and I do have my girls which we help each other.

My dad died over 13 years ago, he was my best friend and we were so very close...I thought that was the worst pain in the world, and for that time, it was. Then when my husband of almost 18 years died, the world just fell out from under my feet. He was the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend and my entire future...all of our plans ripped apart. The pain of losing a parent is very real and very intense...but the loss of a spouse took me by surprise...I pray you never feel that pain. Thank you again WD. :-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:04 pm

Betty Boop;1239524 wrote: It's still really early days, maybe you are expecting too much of yourself? You will keep slowly moving along and one day you will be on the beach and be able to look back without hurting quite so much. Make sure that along the way you take care of yourself, do what you need to do when you need to do it and not when others tell you you should :-4

Thank you BB...one day I will reach that beach and will find comfort in the time and love we had together, and the love that I will always have in my heart for him. I know time will help heal some of the pain, and then the wonderful memories will kick in and take hold of me...I look forward to that time. :-4

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:05 pm

:-4 Prayers and hugs for you during this difficult time. We are all here to encourage you.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:08 pm

Odie;1239531 wrote: sis, stop pressuring yourself to get over Grant as this can take many years.

Grant would want to see you happy and enjoying life, and not always being so down.

-it is a milestone.....6 months...........but have you looked at just how far you have come and the things you now do?

so stop being so hard on yourself sis.......its normal.

Your tough and you can do this.:-4

:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs

Thanks sis. I think I should go back thru some of my journaling and see what I've been able to do since that 6 months has passed. Thanks for being here for me sis...I don't know how I would have made it without you. :-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:10 pm

Bryn Mawr;1239556 wrote: I have no words to make things easier for you but all the strength and prayers I have to offer are yours.

Knowing of your prayers Bryn are words of comfort for me...sometimes the less that is said, is better that a thousand words. Thank you. :-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:14 pm

chonsigirl;1239688 wrote: :-4 Prayers and hugs for you during this difficult time. We are all here to encourage you.

Thank you chonsi...it's so good to know who true friends are at times like these. :-4

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:42 pm

shelbell;1239690 wrote: Thanks sis. I think I should go back thru some of my journaling and see what I've been able to do since that 6 months has passed. Thanks for being here for me sis...I don't know how I would have made it without you. :-4

you came out of a deep shell........you rose slowly, day by day, you took care of things you had to do, remember how long it took you just to do paperwork and to find it?

Remember us laughing as you didn't know how to take care of Grant's spring flowers?:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

I watched and listened to you ...everyday....as time went on, you laughed with Jessi and Megan one night and said just how good that felt. You learnt that it was okay to laugh again.

each month on that date.......and the pain you felt and how you couldn't sleep

You went and seeked Jessi the help she needed and you were and always will be there for her.

You helped her with her boyfriend when they broke up....

you continued doing things you always did......late night drives for your chocolate milk.:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

You conquered the long stage of waiting for Grants autopsy report and lived through that....that was a tough one sis.

those lonely days and nights of crying endlessly.....not knowing how you would survive.

those nasty phone calls.:-5:-5

we talked on the phone each month and laughed and laughed.......you weren't laughing the first time I phoned you...

so many doctors appointments you went through, only to find out that painful one did no good.

helping Jess get through having her tonsiils out......you were sooooo worried and the next day she was at the movies with her girlfriend.:wah:

look what you have gone through with Crystal?

now.......you have an apnea machine.....so for once in your life.......you sleep better......

don't beat yourself up sis, trust me, you have come a long way in a short time.

xo

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:53 pm

Thanks odie, seems lke you've beem keeping track for me than I haver been. You're right, I have come along way...more than I realized myself. Thanks hun for reminding me of some of the accomplishments I have had and didn't even realize I had made.

I haven't sslept well, so I'm going to try another nap...I can barley see the screen and have been messing up so much that I have to keep going back and fix things I've typed.

Thanks sis...

xo

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:56 pm

Your sister is wise and family is most important during this rough time. Grant is still with you always will be just take your time, go at your own pace and listen to your heart. Some days will be rougher than other just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. You are doing remarkable at 6 months after such a loss give yourself some credit and take it a day at a time.:-6

luciferjohn · Post by **luciferjohn** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 6:09 pm

shelbell;1239487 wrote: Today marks the six month anniversary since my hubby died. It's like being in an ocean but I can't see the shore. The ocean waters are warm and comforting, yet I can't stay in the water to long because of the dangers that lurk under the surface just waiting for me to give up. I really need encouragement and hope that I'll see the shore soon, and prayers to give me the strength to reach it. :-1

hang in there kiddo, it takes awhile to get through this stuff and you sound strong and logical about it, my prayers and mantras are with you;):)

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 6:40 pm

shelbell;1239745 wrote: Thanks odie, seems lke you've beem keeping track for me than I haver been. You're right, I have come along way...more than I realized myself. Thanks hun for reminding me of some of the accomplishments I have had and didn't even realize I had made.

I haven't sslept well, so I'm going to try another nap...I can barley see the screen and have been messing up so much that I have to keep going back and fix things I've typed.

Thanks sis...

xo

and remember.......Grant is always with you in spirit.....

remember the night I phoned you and you answered woof woof?:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

and the first time we talked on the phone and you told Jessi it was Odie from Canada?

and she said, omg mom, she's way up north with the igloos!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

you get some rest.

xxo

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 10:50 pm

CARLA;1239746 wrote: Your sister is wise and family is most important during this rough time. Grant is still with you always will be just take your time, go at your own pace and listen to your heart. Some days will be rougher than other just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. You are doing remarkable at 6 months after such a loss give yourself some credit and take it a day at a time.:-6

Thank you Carla. I'm so glad the day has passed now. I slept thru most of it, just couldn't handle it. I do know that Grant is always with me, and will always have my heart. Somedays it's the memories that keep me going...there are so many good ones. I thank God for every second we had together. :-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 10:54 pm

luciferjohn;1239751 wrote: hang in there kiddo, it takes awhile to get through this stuff and you sound strong and logical about it, my prayers and mantras are with you;):)

I'm a very logical and analytical person, sometimes I know that works against me cuz I've never been one to be able to deal with feelings...he was the emotional one, I was the common sense one. Thanks for the prayers. :-6

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 10:57 pm

Odie;1239763 wrote: and remember.......Grant is always with you in spirit.....

remember the night I phoned you and you answered woof woof?:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

and the first time we talked on the phone and you told Jessi it was Odie from Canada?

and she said, omg mom, she's way up north with the igloos!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

you get some rest.

xxo

I personally liked the woos woos better. :wah: Thanks for giving me so much support thru all this sis...it means the world to me. :-4

mrsK · Post by **mrsK** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 11:41 pm

Love & Hugs to you:-4:-4

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 2:35 am

((((hugs))))

just

((((hugs))))

love,

Clodhopper xx

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 4:00 am

Hello my Shell:-4

You are going through a very rough time right now, and it takes a long time for the pain to ease a bit. You have to give yourself much more time to grieve. With help from your loved ones and friends the pain will lessen a bit, but your love will always be there.

All of my best wishes and thoughts are with you right now:-4

Lots of love and hugs to you and daughter (((((Shell))))))

Love,

Kathy

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 4:35 am

Clodhopper;1239837 wrote: ((((hugs))))

just

((((hugs))))

love,

Clodhopper xx

Thank you Clodhopper...sometimes it's as easy as that. :-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 4:47 am

Kathy Ellen;1239847 wrote: Hello my Shell:-4

You are going through a very rough time right now, and it takes a long time for the pain to ease a bit. You have to give yourself much more time to grieve. With help from your loved ones and friends the pain will lessen a bit, but your love will always be there.

All of my best wishes and thoughts are with you right now:-4

Lots of love and hugs to you and daughter (((((Shell))))))

Love,

Kathy

Thank you so much Kathy...I'm so glad to be able to call you my friend. :-4

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 3:53 pm

shelbell;1239853 wrote: Thank you so much Kathy...I'm so glad to be able to call you my friend. :-4

Oh Shell....I really cried last night when I read your thread because I know exactly how you feel:-4 I know how you're suffering.....Only time thought will heal wounds....

Don't give up hope Shell......things will get better if you can only give it time:-6

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 4:42 pm

shelbell;1239825 wrote: I personally liked the woos woos better. :wah: Thanks for giving me so much support thru all this sis...it means the world to me. :-4

remember what I said...the firsts of everything are the hardest.......so expect and accept this...your not alone in these feelings.

when dad passed so young at age 40, I was only 13 and we were extremely close and had fishing in common and he taught me everything I know about our sport.....

......I never ever thought I would get through that first year..

.....after that first year......things became just easier, not so cloudy, confusing, always asking myself question and after question, not taking everything so hard, life was just much easier..........

still to this day..... I visit my dad and think about him everyday.... 44 years later.:-4

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 5:31 pm

Kathy Ellen;1240114 wrote: Oh Shell....I really cried last night when I read your thread because I know exactly how you feel:-4 I know how you're suffering.....Only time thought will heal wounds....

Don't give up hope Shell......things will get better if you can only give it time:-6

Time heals wounds, they say,

And time takes the pain away.

I wonder why it never happened for me.

It's years since you went away,

But I miss you night and day.

Why you had to go is a mystery to me.

What seemed important then

Becomes trivial when

Fate deals the cards

That forces your hand.

All the places we've been,

All the things we have seen,

No more in the future,

It just isn't planned.

It's all very strange,

But when you went, I changed.

It just seemed to happen

With the passing of each day.

I don't understand.

Is it part of a plan?

Does one person grow

When another fades away?

Time heals wounds, they say,

And time takes the pain away.

I wonder why it never happened for me.

It's years since you went away,

But I miss you night and day.

Why you had to go is a mystery to me.

Small things you do,,

Weave pictures of you.

They're printed for life

On the back of my mind.

I was always so sure,

Your life was so pure.

To the faults and the bad times

A loved one stays blind.

I always found,

When you were around,

You helped me with worries

And eased all my fears.

You always had time

For problems of mine,

A shoulder to cry on,

A listening ear.

Time heals wounds, they say,

And time takes the pain away.

I wonder why it never happened for me.

It's years since you went away,

But I miss you night and day.

Why you had to go is a mystery to me.

Keith hancock

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 5:49 pm

Bryn:-6,

That was truly lovely.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 5:55 pm

Kathy, Joan, Bryn...Yesterday was the day, I didn't think I'd get thru it, but I did make it thru and somehow I never shed a tear...I'm not sure how or why. Now today I know why...I was waiting for your posts, and now I sit here bawling like a baby. Thank you all so much.:-4:-4:-4

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:06 pm

Kathy Ellen;1240147 wrote: Bryn:-6,

That was truly lovely.

it was just truly lovely.:-4

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:07 pm

shelbell;1240150 wrote: Kathy, Joan, Bryn...Yesterday was the day, I didn't think I'd get thru it, but I did make it thru and somehow I never shed a tear...I'm not sure how or why. Now today I know why...I was waiting for your posts, and now I sit here bawling like a baby. Thank you all so much.:-4:-4:-4

hello sis, its what good friends are here for.

and we will always be here.......just for you.:-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:22 pm

I am tired and sick...my emotions are running wild....i think i really need some sleep. :-4

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:53 pm

shelbell;1240166 wrote: I am tired and sick...my emotions are running wild....i think i really need some sleep. :-4

Have a good sleep Shell:-4

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:57 pm

As one that lost his first wife 23 years ago quite unexpectedly, I can understand where you are coming from. You mention that you are logical and analytical. Those two qualities will enable you to get on with your life and yet hold dear those precious memories.

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 8:05 pm

shelbell;1240166 wrote: I am tired and sick...my emotions are running wild....i think i really need some sleep. :-4

sleep well sis, when you wake up tomorrow, I hope you like your tags.:-4

mrsK · Post by **mrsK** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:52 pm

Just thought I would drop by & leave a hug for you ((((:-4))))

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:54 pm

((((huggs))))

as well.

I hope you find Peace in your heart when the time comes.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:06 am

Lon;1240173 wrote: As one that lost his first wife 23 years ago quite unexpectedly, I can understand where you are coming from. You mention that you are logical and analytical. Those two qualities will enable you to get on with your life and yet hold dear those precious memories.

I don't know Lon. I think being logical and analytical can cause some problems. We also have to go thru the emotions of the loss, which is difficult for me...I'm not a very emotional person. Also not knowing why he died is very hard for me to come to terms with since I'm the type of person that needs to know why things happen. But I do understand about being able to hold on to the great memories and me and my girls talk about them quite often.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:13 am

Kathy Ellen;1240172 wrote: Have a good sleep Shell:-4

Odie;1240182 wrote: sleep well sis, when you wake up tomorrow, I hope you like your tags.:-4

mrsK;1240200 wrote: Just thought I would drop by & leave a hug for you ((((:-4))))

I sure did try to sleep, but the dogs had other ideas. Yes odie, I really like my tags. And thanks for the hugs mrsK...I need all I can get.

:-4:-4 and thanks to you all!!!!

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:16 am

minks;1240201 wrote: ((((huggs))))

as well.

I hope you find Peace in your heart when the time comes.

thanks minks...I know the time will come when i am ready for peace...and I know it's going to be a long process. I do get times of peace when I know that one day we will be reunited and actually have our forever together...the one we didn't get here in this life. :-4

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:31 am

shelbell;1240352 wrote: I don't know Lon. I think being logical and analytical can cause some problems. We also have to go thru the emotions of the loss, which is difficult for me...I'm not a very emotional person. Also not knowing why he died is very hard for me to come to terms with since I'm the type of person that needs to know why things happen. But I do understand about being able to hold on to the great memories and me and my girls talk about them quite often.

Wasn't there a cause of death stated on his Death Certificate?

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:51 am

Shell you are doing so well darlin. You are such a strong lady.

Lots of love to you :-4:-4:-4

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:55 am

Lon;1240357 wrote: Wasn't there a cause of death stated on his Death Certificate?

Nope...they checked everything and could give me no reason as to why he died. The death certificate reads "Unable to determine"...how messed up is that?

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 12:00 pm

pinkchick;1240360 wrote: Shell you are doing so well darlin. You are such a strong lady.

Lots of love to you :-4:-4:-4

Thanks pc....I'm doing my best. I think with things like this we have no choice but to be strong...i really don't want to end up in the psycho ward of some institution. My faith is what gets me thru so many rough periods...the promise that we will be reunited someday. :-4:-4

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 12:03 pm

shelbell;1240363 wrote: Thanks pc....I'm doing my best. I think with things like this we have no choice but to be strong...i really don't want to end up in the psycho ward of some institution. My faith is what gets me thru so many rough periods...the promise that we will be reunited someday. :-4:-4

Good girl :-4

Don't forget that you have all of us to help you through it when you need us :-4:-4

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 12:08 pm

My husband lost his first wife very suddenly nearly 18 years ago. We've talked often over the years about her, about their children, about the circumstances of her death etc. The underlying message he's given me is that eventually, in your own time, you will get to a point when the pain isn't so raw.

You'll always miss him, you'll always wonder what if, but you will get to a stage when you can look forward with hope.

Keep talking but only when you want to, if you want to shut the world out and let the grief take hold for a while then do it - there is no right way and no wrong way to grieve just your way.

Much love.