Separated

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Sun May 01, 2005 10:34 am

I went through one divorce when I was young. Bad scene, I caught her with another guy. I was devastated. I didn't go out with anyone again for years, I didn't get married again for 17 years.

But now I'm tremendously happy!

I have a wonderful wife, a fine sone, and two gorgeous grand-daughters!

jahamaa · Post by **jahamaa** » Sun May 01, 2005 10:38 am

Been there. the best advice I can give you is to not let it make you crazy. All the problems you are facing will pass.

If you and your ex work together the kids will be fine but even if the ex won't help or tries to use the kids against you, you will survive.

.Just remember that you are in charge of how you feel.

I know it sounds corny but this is an end and a beginning there will be another person in your life sooner or later and in a few years you will wonder why your divorce got you so upset.

Stick around and get into some other discussions you can't sit and just think about your situation. That will just make you feel worse and you may blow up small problems to larger than what they really are. Make the choice to enjoy life.

Oh and by the by, Nice to meet ya.

john8pies · Post by **john8pies** » Sun May 01, 2005 10:49 am

I wish you all the very best in coping with what is obviously a very difficult and trying situation. If it`s any consolation at all, it happens to a lot of people, it doesn`t mean you`re a "bad" person, and, even if it doesn`t seem likely now, you may come through all this and at some time in the future actually feel better than you did before.

jahamaa · Post by **jahamaa** » Sun May 01, 2005 11:27 am

flopstock wrote: First unsolisited bit of advice... Leave the kids out of it! Force yourself not to be negative when the kids are within earshot. If you can, find something to back the ex up on regarding the kids, because presenting a united front can only help the kids. No irate messages left on an answering machine that the kids could potentially playback, with devastating results..kids just don't understand that a parent is going through a rough time and will get back to 'normal' soon.

Then come here and let me give you a hug. Because whether it's your idea or his/her idea, it sucks. No doubt about it.

Hang in there. And do come play in the other threads...you'd be surprised at how distracting some of these goofballs can really be. LOL

welcome aboard,

diane

goofball, goofball airhead maybe, dumb blonde OK simpleton sure... but goofball

that hurt

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Sun May 01, 2005 11:29 am

As a representative of the WorldWide Union of Goofballs, I must ask you to pay the royalties you owe us for using the copyrighted term, "Goof balls" without our permission.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sun May 01, 2005 1:01 pm

Ouch. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's always the kids that get caught in the middle isn't it? But the good news is, they are more resilient than we give them credit for. While it doesn't make it ideal, kids now are so exposed to single parent homes, it's pretty common to them. The "normal" family of Mom, Dad, and 3.7 children is no more. If you and your wife can be amicable where the kids are concerned, and not use them as pawns in the whole ordeal, you'll be doing a lot better than most. My parents never played my sister and me, and I didn't do it with my son. When we wanted to see my dad, we saw him. When my son wants to be with his dad, he goes. None of that crap about trying to "punish" your ex by not allowing the kids to see them. Do right by the kids, be there for them, tell them how much you love them, and you'll be way ahead of the game. Being a parent just automatically comes with oceans of guilt. It's hard, but it's just another thing parents have to deal with. Putting the children's welfare above everything else is the most important thing. And it sounds like you already have that part figured out. Good luck to you, and like the others have said, don't dwell on negative things. Join some other discussion here, too! Welcome to FG!! :yh_peace

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun May 01, 2005 3:33 pm

anewlife wrote: That's good to hear. I have feelings of guilt as I know there were things I did wrong - For a good two years I let the marriage flounder as i worked and went to B-School. She did the same the previous 3 years. There was not much left. I also have to admit I believe I was depressed (our newborn at the time, when I was in B _School was very sick) and I just lost flavor for life. I have recently started medication and feel better - more alive. I keep telling myself it is time to start over and use the experience I have to make a better life.

Hey Anew, if there is anything I learned in my recent divorce it was this

1)keep the kids out indeed

2)keep the laywers out, if you have to go at each other take it out of the home and deal with it just the 2 of you. Lawyers will eat up everything you may end up fighting for.

3) love yourself.

4) it takes about a year to realize that you can do it alone.

5) know it is one of the most stress filled things a person can go through.

6) take baby steps and enjoy every success

7) do not look at it as an ending but merely a turn in the road.

It isn 't easy and I wish you well and love those kids lots and lots.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sun May 01, 2005 8:24 pm

It sounds as if you and your wife both have the best interest of the children in mind so that is a very good thing. It's frustrating when life gets in the way of love. You may not have as much time with your children, but the time you do have will be quality time. That's what matters most.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon May 02, 2005 5:17 am

Right now, I wouldn't even worry about dating. That'll come with time. Is she talking the chance of getting back together to ease your pain, or to apease you for now, or does she mean it? If she means it, you two either need to stay together, or stay apart. Going back and forth together, seperated, together again, etc. would be worse on the children.

greydeadhead · Post by **greydeadhead** » Mon May 02, 2005 6:07 am

Hey NewLife..

Sorry to hear bout your problems. Went thru it myself long ago and yep.. that dating thing is scary as all get out. First thing.. don't rush right back into the dating game. You need time for yourself and to heal. Surprizing how much this will take out of you.. and honestly the feelings that you have right now about seeing another woman and such are natural. Took me like a year before I even felt comfortable asking another woman to go out for dinner or something. This is going to be rough on the kids but as everyone has stated.. you and the ex have to reassure them that they had nothing to do with this. Continue to love them and tell them that often. Continue to remain united with your ex when they ask something.. like ohhhhh.. Dad.. I want to get a tattoo or my belly button pierced. Talk it over with your ex and make sure you agree on a course of action. Hang in there... it will get better.. I know it sounds like a cliche.. but it will... Take care and be well...