As humourous as Genesis was, Exodus has me laughing out loud. My working title for the book is coming from this part. It starts out a little less funny so, bear with me.
For Book 1 click here
Exodus1
The twelve tribes of Israel, cursed or not, are: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Joseph, Benjamin, Dan, and Naphtali, Gad, and Asher.
After Joseph dies, a new, not so benevolent Pharaoh takes over who doesn't know about Joseph or why any of the tribes are special. Alternatively, he and the Egyptians think the Hebrews are far too large in numbers and breeding fast. One might say he saw them as the first plague of Egypt... if one didn't know better. They made them into slaves but the harsher they treated them they more they seemed to multiply. I've never heard Hebrew gospel music but I'm imagining they could run the scales.
The next measure is the eeeevil Pharaoh telling the Hebrew midwives to kill any children they birth who is male. He forgets to add the "or else" part so the midwives claim that the Hebrew women are strong like ox and pop the boys out before the midwives arrive. That makes God happy so He gives them property... as per usual.
The Pharaoh ends a little drastically, declaring that every male Hebrew child born is to be tossed into the river by anyone who sees them. We know how people like a good citizen's arrest so I'm sure there were an abundance of baby tossers.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 2
A son of Levi has a child and the mother can't stand to see him river tossed so they set him adrift in a basket, hoping he'll find safety floating down the river in which all the other babies are being tossed. Yeah, not a great idea. God must have stepped in because the baby tossers don't find the basket, the Pharaoh's daughter does.
While washing her self in the dead baby water, she finds the basket and isn't a tosser so she takes him home, gets him a good Hebrew wet nurse, and miraculously claims him as her own when he's weaned. Me thinks Mary wasn't the first virgin birth. She calls the child "Moses".
Hey.... wait! Moses is that big time God chosen dude! But... he's the son of Levi... one of the cursed ones. What happened to Joseph's being the chosen one? Guess he lit one too many "Ra" candles and lost the job. I'm sure there was a non-cursed tribe of Israel that should have filled in. There's a crack in the foundation. I tremble. Anyway...
Moses grew up as an Egyptian but must have known his heritage as he slew a guard for abusing a Hebrew. He was really stealthy about it too: "And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand." Those Egyptians might be pretty easy to slay.
Or not. Apparently he needs stealth lessons and the real kicker is that the Hebrew he was avenging is the one who tells on him. The Pharaoh is pissed. Moses is not so easy to slay, he runs away. He goes to a classic pick up spot: A well. "Why, let me help you water your sheep, fair lady." He gets invited home to the dwelling of a priest of Midian (bloody pagans again) and weds Zipporah, one of his daughters who bares him a son. He stays in Midian 40 years.
The eeeevil Pharaoh dies and a sigh rises up from the Hebrews to the tune of "Oh, thank God!" God hears it and remembers he's supposed to save them.
A son of Levi has a child and the mother can't stand to see him river tossed so they set him adrift in a basket, hoping he'll find safety floating down the river in which all the other babies are being tossed. Yeah, not a great idea. God must have stepped in because the baby tossers don't find the basket, the Pharaoh's daughter does.
While washing her self in the dead baby water, she finds the basket and isn't a tosser so she takes him home, gets him a good Hebrew wet nurse, and miraculously claims him as her own when he's weaned. Me thinks Mary wasn't the first virgin birth. She calls the child "Moses".
Hey.... wait! Moses is that big time God chosen dude! But... he's the son of Levi... one of the cursed ones. What happened to Joseph's being the chosen one? Guess he lit one too many "Ra" candles and lost the job. I'm sure there was a non-cursed tribe of Israel that should have filled in. There's a crack in the foundation. I tremble. Anyway...
Moses grew up as an Egyptian but must have known his heritage as he slew a guard for abusing a Hebrew. He was really stealthy about it too: "And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand." Those Egyptians might be pretty easy to slay.
Or not. Apparently he needs stealth lessons and the real kicker is that the Hebrew he was avenging is the one who tells on him. The Pharaoh is pissed. Moses is not so easy to slay, he runs away. He goes to a classic pick up spot: A well. "Why, let me help you water your sheep, fair lady." He gets invited home to the dwelling of a priest of Midian (bloody pagans again) and weds Zipporah, one of his daughters who bares him a son. He stays in Midian 40 years.
The eeeevil Pharaoh dies and a sigh rises up from the Hebrews to the tune of "Oh, thank God!" God hears it and remembers he's supposed to save them.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 3
Moses is out on a sheep-about when the Lord appears in a burning bush. It would have been a normal burning bush but the bush wasn't actually burning. He does a little double take "Say wha?" but the voice of God booms "Don't look! ...and take off your shoes! This is a holy place. Were you raised in a barn? Oh, scratch that." I only joke because God never cared about shoes before... unless this is the first time he's seen them.
God asserts that he's the real God of Moses' ancestors, not one of those freaky Gods they worship at home. Moses quakes... because there's a chance he's in the polytheism game. God explains the situation. He's promised to deliver the children of Israel out of Egypt and Moses looks like his best chance of making a grand entrance.
"Who am I?" Moses asks, in the eternal question that plagues humans forever after.
"Oh, have at it, I just told you I'm on your side"
"I don't think they'll believe me, it might help if I knew your name."
"I AM THAT I AM" (Ehyeh asher ehyeh: the translation sounds too much like a Dr. Seuss poem) "So go tell them we talked and I'm ready to deliver them to the land of milk and honey." pause "Oh, I know, and tell the Pharaoh that the people of Israel need to go sacrifice to their God, I mean, Me, and y'all need three days. He won't let you do it but the look on his face will be priceless. Don't worry about what he says, I'll smite him later. Oh, and we'll work it out so you can take off with a bunch of their stuff too."
um... why do I feel like I'm listening to a teenager coming up with a prank phone call?
Moses is out on a sheep-about when the Lord appears in a burning bush. It would have been a normal burning bush but the bush wasn't actually burning. He does a little double take "Say wha?" but the voice of God booms "Don't look! ...and take off your shoes! This is a holy place. Were you raised in a barn? Oh, scratch that." I only joke because God never cared about shoes before... unless this is the first time he's seen them.
God asserts that he's the real God of Moses' ancestors, not one of those freaky Gods they worship at home. Moses quakes... because there's a chance he's in the polytheism game. God explains the situation. He's promised to deliver the children of Israel out of Egypt and Moses looks like his best chance of making a grand entrance.
"Who am I?" Moses asks, in the eternal question that plagues humans forever after.
"Oh, have at it, I just told you I'm on your side"
"I don't think they'll believe me, it might help if I knew your name."
"I AM THAT I AM" (Ehyeh asher ehyeh: the translation sounds too much like a Dr. Seuss poem) "So go tell them we talked and I'm ready to deliver them to the land of milk and honey." pause "Oh, I know, and tell the Pharaoh that the people of Israel need to go sacrifice to their God, I mean, Me, and y'all need three days. He won't let you do it but the look on his face will be priceless. Don't worry about what he says, I'll smite him later. Oh, and we'll work it out so you can take off with a bunch of their stuff too."
um... why do I feel like I'm listening to a teenager coming up with a prank phone call?
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Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
I can't wait till you get to Chronicles....that ought to be a real laugh riot!
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
recovering conservative;1338975 wrote: I can't wait till you get to Chronicles....that ought to be a real laugh riot!
Ecclesiastes could be a laugh a minute too
Ecclesiastes could be a laugh a minute too
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 4
"Yeah, there's no way they're gonna believe me," Moses says with trepidation.
God turns Moses' walking stick into a snake. It turns back to a stick when he picks it up. Neat party trick. God asserts that if they don't believe him He'll create some threatening illusions. Moses still doesn't want the job. As it turns out he's got a speech impediment: at best a stutter, at worst he's a mute.
Gosh, God really knows how to pick 'em.
Angry, either at His own oversight or because Moses didn't ask to be healed, He reveals that Moses' brother, Aaron, will meet up with him and be the interpreter.
I'm assuming Moses was circumcised before the basket incident which led him knowing he's Hebrew. Maybe he found his birth mother before the following fleeing incident. After a quick recap of how the plan is supposed to work, Moses finally accepts God's task and heads down the mountain to gather his wife and child.
There is a strange and dramatic emergency circumcision of Moses' son along the way. Can't say Moses' wife, who ultimately saves the day, is all too happy about it.
I'm kind of voting for Moses being mute as Aaron spoke for him "and did the signs in the sight of the people." I know they mean the magic trick "signs" but I can't help thinking that the people would be less disturbed by seeing the two men signing than listening to Moses stutter his way through each bit while waiting for the translation. Shattered are my epic images of Moses giving dynamic speeches from atop a rock.
The children of Israel were impressed by the snake act and also were probably pretty keen on seeing if anyone could save them from their slavery hell. With Moses' "can't speak" condition I could imagine there was a little skepticism.
"Yeah, there's no way they're gonna believe me," Moses says with trepidation.
God turns Moses' walking stick into a snake. It turns back to a stick when he picks it up. Neat party trick. God asserts that if they don't believe him He'll create some threatening illusions. Moses still doesn't want the job. As it turns out he's got a speech impediment: at best a stutter, at worst he's a mute.
Gosh, God really knows how to pick 'em.
Angry, either at His own oversight or because Moses didn't ask to be healed, He reveals that Moses' brother, Aaron, will meet up with him and be the interpreter.
I'm assuming Moses was circumcised before the basket incident which led him knowing he's Hebrew. Maybe he found his birth mother before the following fleeing incident. After a quick recap of how the plan is supposed to work, Moses finally accepts God's task and heads down the mountain to gather his wife and child.
There is a strange and dramatic emergency circumcision of Moses' son along the way. Can't say Moses' wife, who ultimately saves the day, is all too happy about it.
I'm kind of voting for Moses being mute as Aaron spoke for him "and did the signs in the sight of the people." I know they mean the magic trick "signs" but I can't help thinking that the people would be less disturbed by seeing the two men signing than listening to Moses stutter his way through each bit while waiting for the translation. Shattered are my epic images of Moses giving dynamic speeches from atop a rock.
The children of Israel were impressed by the snake act and also were probably pretty keen on seeing if anyone could save them from their slavery hell. With Moses' "can't speak" condition I could imagine there was a little skepticism.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 5
Moses and Aaron managed to get audience with the Pharaoh and tell him the entire Hebrew population (slaves) has to leave for three days to appease their God. The current Pharaoh must have changed the regional outlook of "argh, look how many there are, we have to get rid of them" to "wow, are they ever useful" as his response is:
"Bwahahahaha.... heehee... um... No."
He decides to punish the Hebrews for the insolence of asking for time off by demanding they make bricks without any supplies. Obviously they can't make them as fast if they have to go find the ingredients themselves so... beatings all around. The Hebrew spokespeople ask how the Pharaoh can punish them for his own decision he replies "oh, I thought you had time to go worship a God so I figured I'd fill it." Of course the Hebrews find Moses and say "You *******! Look what you've gone and done now. Stop helping us!" (paraphrased :p)
Moses relays the message to God.... pretty much verbatim.
Moses and Aaron managed to get audience with the Pharaoh and tell him the entire Hebrew population (slaves) has to leave for three days to appease their God. The current Pharaoh must have changed the regional outlook of "argh, look how many there are, we have to get rid of them" to "wow, are they ever useful" as his response is:
"Bwahahahaha.... heehee... um... No."
He decides to punish the Hebrews for the insolence of asking for time off by demanding they make bricks without any supplies. Obviously they can't make them as fast if they have to go find the ingredients themselves so... beatings all around. The Hebrew spokespeople ask how the Pharaoh can punish them for his own decision he replies "oh, I thought you had time to go worship a God so I figured I'd fill it." Of course the Hebrews find Moses and say "You *******! Look what you've gone and done now. Stop helping us!" (paraphrased :p)
Moses relays the message to God.... pretty much verbatim.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 6
God's reply to Moses' anguish is "Look, I made a promise to give y'all a bunch of land and I plan on doing it. Bear with me, it's going to get fun soon."
Moses tried to explain about the plan to the people of Israel but they were sore and said "**** you."
Moses took the bad news back to God and reasserted that he just wasn't a good enough talker... pick someone else, please. God told him and Aaron to go back to the Pharaoh and started naming the family tree until they stopped arguing. So all two of them were sent back to the Pharaoh. Moses kept muttering "Wh-wh-why m-m--me?" (or signing it) finishing with "We're doomed" (finger drawn across throat, eyes rolling)
God's reply to Moses' anguish is "Look, I made a promise to give y'all a bunch of land and I plan on doing it. Bear with me, it's going to get fun soon."
Moses tried to explain about the plan to the people of Israel but they were sore and said "**** you."
Moses took the bad news back to God and reasserted that he just wasn't a good enough talker... pick someone else, please. God told him and Aaron to go back to the Pharaoh and started naming the family tree until they stopped arguing. So all two of them were sent back to the Pharaoh. Moses kept muttering "Wh-wh-why m-m--me?" (or signing it) finishing with "We're doomed" (finger drawn across throat, eyes rolling)
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 7
God explains to Moses that they're one step ahead since he's reminded Pharaoh that the Hebrews have a different God. Of course the Pharaoh won't listen to him, but it will give God an excuse, because apparently he needs one now, to smite him. "First we'll do the rod turns into a snake routine."
So Moses and Aaron go back and throw the rod at Pharaoh's feet. He's impressed so he gets his magicians to see if they can do it too. Moses' snake eats their snakes but, presumably they all turn back into sticks again whereupon they hit Moses with their sticks saying "Nice trick, now get outta here!"
God has Moses and Aaron follow Pharaoh to the river the next morning to turn the river to blood, killing all the fish so it stinks. The Pharaoh calls his magicians who can also turn water to blood whereupon the Pharaoh says "Nice try." The river continues to be blood so I can't think of many people who are happy God did this. It lasts for seven days. Obviously there are other water supplies as the magicians wouldn't have been too impressive turning blood into blood.
God explains to Moses that they're one step ahead since he's reminded Pharaoh that the Hebrews have a different God. Of course the Pharaoh won't listen to him, but it will give God an excuse, because apparently he needs one now, to smite him. "First we'll do the rod turns into a snake routine."
So Moses and Aaron go back and throw the rod at Pharaoh's feet. He's impressed so he gets his magicians to see if they can do it too. Moses' snake eats their snakes but, presumably they all turn back into sticks again whereupon they hit Moses with their sticks saying "Nice trick, now get outta here!"
God has Moses and Aaron follow Pharaoh to the river the next morning to turn the river to blood, killing all the fish so it stinks. The Pharaoh calls his magicians who can also turn water to blood whereupon the Pharaoh says "Nice try." The river continues to be blood so I can't think of many people who are happy God did this. It lasts for seven days. Obviously there are other water supplies as the magicians wouldn't have been too impressive turning blood into blood.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 8
The plagues kind of evolve into each other. Frogs make for the hills from the blood river so they swarm Egypt. Hard to say whether Moses' rod is drawing them forth as he waves it over the river or if he is just using it to count them as they jump out. Of course the Egyptian magicians can just as easily point at the bloody, dead fish water and catch a jumper at the same pace so the Pharaoh isn't impressed.
The Pharaoh isn't enjoying the games so much anymore so, when Moses claims he can make the frogs stop, Pharaoh agrees to let them go on their little three day trip. God, in all His wisdom, makes Pharaoh change his mind.
From all the rotting frog corpses we get an infestation of lice next. God chuckles from the sidelines "Nice touch, huh?" When the Pharaoh asks his magicians if they can do this they ask him why he'd want more lice.
In anticipation of what's coming next, God arranges for Moses to confront the Pharaoh again right before the swarm of flies shows up to feed on the fish and frog corpses. Pharaoh finally agrees to let the Hebrews go if they don't go far away. The flies are ended either by God or clean up crews.
I think Pharaoh caught Moses and Aaron with a shovel crew because he changed his mind again. Oh, right... God decided it would be more fun if the Pharaoh continued "asking for it."
The plagues kind of evolve into each other. Frogs make for the hills from the blood river so they swarm Egypt. Hard to say whether Moses' rod is drawing them forth as he waves it over the river or if he is just using it to count them as they jump out. Of course the Egyptian magicians can just as easily point at the bloody, dead fish water and catch a jumper at the same pace so the Pharaoh isn't impressed.
The Pharaoh isn't enjoying the games so much anymore so, when Moses claims he can make the frogs stop, Pharaoh agrees to let them go on their little three day trip. God, in all His wisdom, makes Pharaoh change his mind.
From all the rotting frog corpses we get an infestation of lice next. God chuckles from the sidelines "Nice touch, huh?" When the Pharaoh asks his magicians if they can do this they ask him why he'd want more lice.
In anticipation of what's coming next, God arranges for Moses to confront the Pharaoh again right before the swarm of flies shows up to feed on the fish and frog corpses. Pharaoh finally agrees to let the Hebrews go if they don't go far away. The flies are ended either by God or clean up crews.
I think Pharaoh caught Moses and Aaron with a shovel crew because he changed his mind again. Oh, right... God decided it would be more fun if the Pharaoh continued "asking for it."
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 9
Next plague: Moses gets the heads up on the sickness that flies cause. The animals start dying. Notably, the cattle of the Hebrews don't die so Moses has a bonus point there. They learned from the river incident and moved to an area called "Goshen." Next are boils and sores which also don't affect the Hebrews. There is possibly some sort of divine interference now, protecting the Hebrews. Still the Pharaoh isn't as troubled by skin conditions as the modern man so he holds out.
Moses declares the next plague to be hail stones, mixed with a bit of fire, because the Pharaoh holds himself above God. Sure enough, kablewie! Fields destroyed, all the ripe crops are wiped out. Pharaoh admits he doesn't have supreme power and says he'll let the slaves go. Moses says he'll stop the hail when they get out of town but God doesn't wait that long because the Pharaoh has time to change his mind again as soon as it stops.
Pharaoh's a gambler. He thinks there are no more aces up the sleeve.
Next plague: Moses gets the heads up on the sickness that flies cause. The animals start dying. Notably, the cattle of the Hebrews don't die so Moses has a bonus point there. They learned from the river incident and moved to an area called "Goshen." Next are boils and sores which also don't affect the Hebrews. There is possibly some sort of divine interference now, protecting the Hebrews. Still the Pharaoh isn't as troubled by skin conditions as the modern man so he holds out.
Moses declares the next plague to be hail stones, mixed with a bit of fire, because the Pharaoh holds himself above God. Sure enough, kablewie! Fields destroyed, all the ripe crops are wiped out. Pharaoh admits he doesn't have supreme power and says he'll let the slaves go. Moses says he'll stop the hail when they get out of town but God doesn't wait that long because the Pharaoh has time to change his mind again as soon as it stops.
Pharaoh's a gambler. He thinks there are no more aces up the sleeve.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 10
God's pretty pleased with Himself. "See what I did there? That was freakin' awesome! They'll be talking about that for generations, they will be... make sure of it."
Next up, they threaten locusts. Pharaoh only agrees to let the men go. The Egyptians are starting to question the Pharaoh for playing this game but he's worked something out: Moses keeps falling for the "make it stop and I'll let you go" line. The locusts are followed by blotting out the sun. Pharaoh will let them go now but not with their livestock. Moses points out that it's rather pointless to try and offer sacrifice without livestock.
Pharaoh goes all gangster: "If I see you again, I'll kill you."
Moses, who never claimed to be good with words says "oh, yeah, well... me too!"
God's pretty pleased with Himself. "See what I did there? That was freakin' awesome! They'll be talking about that for generations, they will be... make sure of it."
Next up, they threaten locusts. Pharaoh only agrees to let the men go. The Egyptians are starting to question the Pharaoh for playing this game but he's worked something out: Moses keeps falling for the "make it stop and I'll let you go" line. The locusts are followed by blotting out the sun. Pharaoh will let them go now but not with their livestock. Moses points out that it's rather pointless to try and offer sacrifice without livestock.
Pharaoh goes all gangster: "If I see you again, I'll kill you."
Moses, who never claimed to be good with words says "oh, yeah, well... me too!"
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 11
The final stage in the Egypt sting begins. Moses announces that God's going to kill all the firstborn in Egypt at midnight. Presumably announced by town crier as Pharaoh won't see him anymore, though I admit feeling the linear sequence of events was temporarily lost.
Moses starts a whisper campaign to assure the Hebrews won't be afflicted. God is very excited. "Ze plan is working perfectly!" "People are going to bow down and be all 'oh, God, you're so cool' and Pharaoh will be all 'I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that divine God."
Spoiler: Somehow the plan doesn't end up being as simple as waving a rod over the land.
The final stage in the Egypt sting begins. Moses announces that God's going to kill all the firstborn in Egypt at midnight. Presumably announced by town crier as Pharaoh won't see him anymore, though I admit feeling the linear sequence of events was temporarily lost.
Moses starts a whisper campaign to assure the Hebrews won't be afflicted. God is very excited. "Ze plan is working perfectly!" "People are going to bow down and be all 'oh, God, you're so cool' and Pharaoh will be all 'I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that divine God."
Spoiler: Somehow the plan doesn't end up being as simple as waving a rod over the land.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 12
God's simple plan: Ok, it's really freakin' detailed and complicated. In fact, God gets really attached to details of slaughter and food preparation from this point on. "Your lamb shall be without blemish, a male of the first year: ye shall take it out from the sheep, or from the goats:" At the risk of sounding stupid... how do you get a lamb out of a goat?
Let's start out with this: God decides to start a new calendar. He moves the "midnight" slaughter time til later to allow for "And ye shall keep it up until the fourteenth day of the same month: and the whole assembly of the congregation of Israel shall kill it in the evening." Though they're actually killing more than one but not one for every house as some people don't have that many people in the house to feed. "Eat not of it raw"... usually good advice for meat. "thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your staff in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste:" eating fast... not such good advice. Not sure what the shoes do and I fear finding out how to gird my loins. Oh, it just means "wear a belt." Phew. Apparently he has an aversion to yeast too. There are bread requirements.
They have to smear blood on their doorways to mark their houses because God might not see as well as he smells blood. This is called "Passover" and takes seven days of unleavened bread. He passes over their houses with his smiting mission. Hence "Passover."
When all the firstborn in Egypt die, including Pharaoh's son, he finally sobers up and tells them to get out... like NOW.
Also, according to God's plan, the Egyptians let the Hebrews "borrow" all their gold and silver and linens with a "y'all don't come back now, ya hear?"
So, after 430 years, the Hebrews left the strange land of Egyptian slavery. Over 600, 000 people. As they walk away, exhausted, God's voice can be heard talking to Moses "make sure you circumcise anyone you buy too, darn this flatbread is good, watch out for strangers, don't share your bread with them. I know, I'll make two different laws, one for Hebrews and one for strangers. We've got lots of laws to make... lots of laws. (fade out) I think I'll start with refining the slaughter techniques...." Moses: "Alright, already! I'm tired!" God: "I'm just sayin'..." Moses: "We'll talk about it tomorrow."... "God: "I could smite you, you know. If I wanted."
God's simple plan: Ok, it's really freakin' detailed and complicated. In fact, God gets really attached to details of slaughter and food preparation from this point on. "Your lamb shall be without blemish, a male of the first year: ye shall take it out from the sheep, or from the goats:" At the risk of sounding stupid... how do you get a lamb out of a goat?
Let's start out with this: God decides to start a new calendar. He moves the "midnight" slaughter time til later to allow for "And ye shall keep it up until the fourteenth day of the same month: and the whole assembly of the congregation of Israel shall kill it in the evening." Though they're actually killing more than one but not one for every house as some people don't have that many people in the house to feed. "Eat not of it raw"... usually good advice for meat. "thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your staff in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste:" eating fast... not such good advice. Not sure what the shoes do and I fear finding out how to gird my loins. Oh, it just means "wear a belt." Phew. Apparently he has an aversion to yeast too. There are bread requirements.
They have to smear blood on their doorways to mark their houses because God might not see as well as he smells blood. This is called "Passover" and takes seven days of unleavened bread. He passes over their houses with his smiting mission. Hence "Passover."
When all the firstborn in Egypt die, including Pharaoh's son, he finally sobers up and tells them to get out... like NOW.
Also, according to God's plan, the Egyptians let the Hebrews "borrow" all their gold and silver and linens with a "y'all don't come back now, ya hear?"
So, after 430 years, the Hebrews left the strange land of Egyptian slavery. Over 600, 000 people. As they walk away, exhausted, God's voice can be heard talking to Moses "make sure you circumcise anyone you buy too, darn this flatbread is good, watch out for strangers, don't share your bread with them. I know, I'll make two different laws, one for Hebrews and one for strangers. We've got lots of laws to make... lots of laws. (fade out) I think I'll start with refining the slaughter techniques...." Moses: "Alright, already! I'm tired!" God: "I'm just sayin'..." Moses: "We'll talk about it tomorrow."... "God: "I could smite you, you know. If I wanted."
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
koan;1339126 wrote: Pharaoh agrees to let them go on their little three day trip. God, in all His wisdom, makes Pharaoh change his mind. That, really, is the key to all this braggadocio at the start of Exodus. Time and again Pharaoh's done with arguing and says fine, go, do it, let's finish arguing, and each time God says he'll harden Pharaoh's heart so that "the Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord". It's Shock and Awe BC, Pharaoh simply doesn't have air supremacy, he's on a hiding to nothing.
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
At this point, it seems rather prankish for God to punish Pharaoh and his people for what He, Himself, made them do but in the past he would've destroyed the whole place in one swoop so He is just having fun with it this time. He doesn't take credit for making the last two Pharaohs turn the Hebrews into slaves so the Egyptians are actually being punished for the last 430 years, not just the current plague games. In a bold move God lets some of them live.
If it was cat and mouse we'd chide the cat for playing with its food first.
If it was cat and mouse we'd chide the cat for playing with its food first.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
koan
I can't wait until you get to Revelation. Now that will be as funny if not moreso.
Shalom
Ted
I can't wait until you get to Revelation. Now that will be as funny if not moreso.
Shalom
Ted
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 13
God told Moses "I've decided you should give me all the firstborn males 'both of man and of beast' " (don't tell me "sanctify" means other than sacrifice because we know what happens to the animals and He used the same verb.)
So Moses told the people of Israel "Bring bread... unleavened." Then he reminds them that the Lord has saved them before he mentions sacrificing firstborns but adds that the firstborn children can be "redeemed" via offering other animals instead. He probably intends on working that part out with God later, because what God said didn't involve that many words.
The groups chooses the road less traveled and heads for the wilderness instead of following the paths through the towns. God doesn't want them to be frightened back to Egypt by the wars raging around them, nor tempted by strange Gods of other lands... and their leavened bread. I think it also has to do with all the Rules He has to fill them in on and He wants a good mountain to speak from. I also suspect that they are headed back to the mountain of the burning bush, but we'll get to that later.
Moses brought Joseph's bones with them to honour a promise.
God told Moses "I've decided you should give me all the firstborn males 'both of man and of beast' " (don't tell me "sanctify" means other than sacrifice because we know what happens to the animals and He used the same verb.)
So Moses told the people of Israel "Bring bread... unleavened." Then he reminds them that the Lord has saved them before he mentions sacrificing firstborns but adds that the firstborn children can be "redeemed" via offering other animals instead. He probably intends on working that part out with God later, because what God said didn't involve that many words.
The groups chooses the road less traveled and heads for the wilderness instead of following the paths through the towns. God doesn't want them to be frightened back to Egypt by the wars raging around them, nor tempted by strange Gods of other lands... and their leavened bread. I think it also has to do with all the Rules He has to fill them in on and He wants a good mountain to speak from. I also suspect that they are headed back to the mountain of the burning bush, but we'll get to that later.
Moses brought Joseph's bones with them to honour a promise.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
oh, part of why I think they are going back to the burning bush is that they have a cloud by day and fire by night to follow and there is extremely good reason to suspect Mount Sinai was a volcano.
eta: and Moses' father in law shows up when they get there because he lives close by.
eta: and Moses' father in law shows up when they get there because he lives close by.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 14
God tells them to camp out in a particularly woody area near the Red Sea that will make it look like they're lost. Even though the Egypt sting was completed as per plan, God's going to send Pharaoh after them one more time to give a right proper smiting, in homage to the old days. Now, it's not said but I'm convinced that Pharaoh, distracted by all the dead people, forgot to pay the Hebrews their final wages and all that gold and silver they took was what they figured they were owed in wages. It's the only reason good enough to send the Pharaoh in pursuit with hundreds of troops on chariot. He found his crypts empty.
The people of Israel see the Egyptians in mad pursuit and their faith is shaken to the point they wish they were still slaves instead of dying in the wilderness. Moses assures them that God will save them.
As the Egyptians draw near, Moses holds up the mighty staff and the sea parts, the Hebrews make a dash for it. Pharaoh's chariots, close behind, probably stop for a moment, check out the walls of water, think "hmmmmm" then follow. As soon as the whole of Egypt's troops are in the path of destruction, Moses lowers the rod behind them and the sea comes crashing down to smite their enemies.
Nice finish.
The people of Israel proclaim their faith that God is really "I AM" and fearfully rejoice. I'm left feeling a little unnerved because I believe the Pharaoh just wanted his stuff back but okay with it all because he probably would have killed them all for taking it. Also, good dramatic special effects from God so I'm willing to believe it happened. I've been asked to believe much stranger things by the likes of Steven Spielberg and who the heck is he in comparison?
God tells them to camp out in a particularly woody area near the Red Sea that will make it look like they're lost. Even though the Egypt sting was completed as per plan, God's going to send Pharaoh after them one more time to give a right proper smiting, in homage to the old days. Now, it's not said but I'm convinced that Pharaoh, distracted by all the dead people, forgot to pay the Hebrews their final wages and all that gold and silver they took was what they figured they were owed in wages. It's the only reason good enough to send the Pharaoh in pursuit with hundreds of troops on chariot. He found his crypts empty.
The people of Israel see the Egyptians in mad pursuit and their faith is shaken to the point they wish they were still slaves instead of dying in the wilderness. Moses assures them that God will save them.
As the Egyptians draw near, Moses holds up the mighty staff and the sea parts, the Hebrews make a dash for it. Pharaoh's chariots, close behind, probably stop for a moment, check out the walls of water, think "hmmmmm" then follow. As soon as the whole of Egypt's troops are in the path of destruction, Moses lowers the rod behind them and the sea comes crashing down to smite their enemies.
Nice finish.
The people of Israel proclaim their faith that God is really "I AM" and fearfully rejoice. I'm left feeling a little unnerved because I believe the Pharaoh just wanted his stuff back but okay with it all because he probably would have killed them all for taking it. Also, good dramatic special effects from God so I'm willing to believe it happened. I've been asked to believe much stranger things by the likes of Steven Spielberg and who the heck is he in comparison?
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 15
I know I promised I wouldn't do a rap but... Moses and the people sang a victory song after the parting of the Red Sea and the rap version goes like this:
Now, here's a little story 'bout God, our Lord,
Who promised all of us a divine reward.
We were walking in circles waiting for a sign,
nothing to dine but an unleavened bread line.
The Pharaoh behind coming after our kind
Faith undermined, people almost resigned
but it was all in the mind
and He opened our eyes like we had been blind.
Wonderwalls answered our calls
creating a path that went all Niagara Falls.
He let us get through then the army he slew,
now we cling to the Big I AM, not you, the Egypt crew.
Your gods are too few to screw with the One True
He's a 5 star restaurant, you're just a drive-thru.
Sorry.
Ok. So they walked for three days until they found water but it wasn't drinkable. The people started complaining. God told Moses to throw a certain kind of tree into it and it became sweet, then reasserted that if they believe and follow God's ways he won't afflict them with the Egyptian plagues. That's a round about way of saying, stop complaining or He will afflict you with plagues.
I know I promised I wouldn't do a rap but... Moses and the people sang a victory song after the parting of the Red Sea and the rap version goes like this:
Now, here's a little story 'bout God, our Lord,
Who promised all of us a divine reward.
We were walking in circles waiting for a sign,
nothing to dine but an unleavened bread line.
The Pharaoh behind coming after our kind
Faith undermined, people almost resigned
but it was all in the mind
and He opened our eyes like we had been blind.
Wonderwalls answered our calls
creating a path that went all Niagara Falls.
He let us get through then the army he slew,
now we cling to the Big I AM, not you, the Egypt crew.
Your gods are too few to screw with the One True
He's a 5 star restaurant, you're just a drive-thru.
Sorry.
Ok. So they walked for three days until they found water but it wasn't drinkable. The people started complaining. God told Moses to throw a certain kind of tree into it and it became sweet, then reasserted that if they believe and follow God's ways he won't afflict them with the Egyptian plagues. That's a round about way of saying, stop complaining or He will afflict you with plagues.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
whew, koan's getting-away-with-it-isness has saved me once again. :p
Exodus 16
The children of Egypt traveled on. They had no food, just a bunch of livestock. Don't ask.
The new complaints were of the variety that they'd rather have died as slaves with lots of bread than of starvation in the wilderness. The livestock, presumably, keep their mouths shut. Seeing how much they miss bread, God rains bread from the heavens and the miracle of manna occurs. If only they'd said they'd rather have died with lots of fruit. We don't know how big these bread crumbs are, or if they are tree lice, but they live on them for awhile, so it is nutritious. Current manna bread recipes use wheat sprouts but that doesn't seem to be what they're talking about here. He also gave them quail to eat in the evening. Originally, for some reason I thought the "bread" was quail eggs. Just because you got lots of quail followed by lots of white things on the ground. I was wrong because it later says they were the size of seeds and tasted like honey on crackers.
There was a little disappointment that the people weren't able to follow simple quail and manna gathering instructions but no one got smote over it. I can see why God gets annoyed, but I think the problem is that he's never told them why he's making these rules. Sometimes understanding why makes all the difference.
Meanwhile, they've got strange bread and lots of livestock.
Exodus 16
The children of Egypt traveled on. They had no food, just a bunch of livestock. Don't ask.
The new complaints were of the variety that they'd rather have died as slaves with lots of bread than of starvation in the wilderness. The livestock, presumably, keep their mouths shut. Seeing how much they miss bread, God rains bread from the heavens and the miracle of manna occurs. If only they'd said they'd rather have died with lots of fruit. We don't know how big these bread crumbs are, or if they are tree lice, but they live on them for awhile, so it is nutritious. Current manna bread recipes use wheat sprouts but that doesn't seem to be what they're talking about here. He also gave them quail to eat in the evening. Originally, for some reason I thought the "bread" was quail eggs. Just because you got lots of quail followed by lots of white things on the ground. I was wrong because it later says they were the size of seeds and tasted like honey on crackers.
There was a little disappointment that the people weren't able to follow simple quail and manna gathering instructions but no one got smote over it. I can see why God gets annoyed, but I think the problem is that he's never told them why he's making these rules. Sometimes understanding why makes all the difference.
Meanwhile, they've got strange bread and lots of livestock.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 17
The people went back to "chiding" Moses because they lost their water supply again. I'm imagining "chide" used to mean threaten with violence and use demeaning language because he reported to God that he feared being stoned by them. Perhaps inspired by the choice of words, God decided to have Moses smite a stone and have it spew forth water.
The Hebrews got watered just in time, because the Amalekites show up and a war ensues. Amalekites are descended from Esau, Moses' clan is descended from Jacob. Esau was supposed to be able to whip Jacob in a sword fight so Moses has to use the rod of divine intervention to overpower Isaac's blessings. When his arm gets tired the people start losing the war so Aaron helps prop up Moses' arm with a stone. The whole battle comes out of nowhere, I hardly even noticed it happened until I went back to write the summary. And how lazy is Aaron that he didn't prop Moses up with his self? What is Moses, a Dali painting? Just give him a forked stick and put him next to a melting clock.
It was a tough time. Moses was obviously exhausted as he recorded in bible history that he wanted to erase the memory of the Amaleks. Doh.
The people went back to "chiding" Moses because they lost their water supply again. I'm imagining "chide" used to mean threaten with violence and use demeaning language because he reported to God that he feared being stoned by them. Perhaps inspired by the choice of words, God decided to have Moses smite a stone and have it spew forth water.
The Hebrews got watered just in time, because the Amalekites show up and a war ensues. Amalekites are descended from Esau, Moses' clan is descended from Jacob. Esau was supposed to be able to whip Jacob in a sword fight so Moses has to use the rod of divine intervention to overpower Isaac's blessings. When his arm gets tired the people start losing the war so Aaron helps prop up Moses' arm with a stone. The whole battle comes out of nowhere, I hardly even noticed it happened until I went back to write the summary. And how lazy is Aaron that he didn't prop Moses up with his self? What is Moses, a Dali painting? Just give him a forked stick and put him next to a melting clock.
It was a tough time. Moses was obviously exhausted as he recorded in bible history that he wanted to erase the memory of the Amaleks. Doh.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 18
Starts with a reminder that we haven't heard much about Moses' wife and kids; he has two now. That's because they went back to his father in law, Jethro, who now shows up. It lends to the idea that Moses has gone back in the direction of the burning bush. Jethro, who is a pagan priest, listens to the tales of their escape properly enthralled, then offers a sacrifice, presumably to the correct God.
Moses begins sitting as judge before the people, listening to their grievances against each other. It must be like watching Judge Judy because Jethro comments "this is not good." Intriguingly, Moses claims he must because he represents God. Jethro insists that he can't do it alone... Jethro is a polytheist... connections? Moses listens to his father in law and sets up multi-tiered panels of judges. Jethro is satisfied and leaves.
I dunno but I think Jethro just poly messed with God. Though I don't blame Moses for going along with it. I've tried to watch Judge Judy.
Starts with a reminder that we haven't heard much about Moses' wife and kids; he has two now. That's because they went back to his father in law, Jethro, who now shows up. It lends to the idea that Moses has gone back in the direction of the burning bush. Jethro, who is a pagan priest, listens to the tales of their escape properly enthralled, then offers a sacrifice, presumably to the correct God.
Moses begins sitting as judge before the people, listening to their grievances against each other. It must be like watching Judge Judy because Jethro comments "this is not good." Intriguingly, Moses claims he must because he represents God. Jethro insists that he can't do it alone... Jethro is a polytheist... connections? Moses listens to his father in law and sets up multi-tiered panels of judges. Jethro is satisfied and leaves.
I dunno but I think Jethro just poly messed with God. Though I don't blame Moses for going along with it. I've tried to watch Judge Judy.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 19
Moses and his people come to Mount Sinai, which is obviously not in Sinai as it is clearly a volcano. They pitch tent on a platform, which is much like the one at Mount Bedr, at the base of the volcano. What better way to impress and scare the crap out of the people than to spit fire, rumble, and emit a lot of smoke? God decrees that people should not touch the mountain lest they die. Then he calls Moses atop to tell him that no one else should come up there except Moses and anyone specifically requested. Moses asserts that since no one is allowed to touch the mountain, they can hardly go up it.
Moses tells them that they have three days to prepare for God appearing so they should clean themselves up a bit. Sure enough, mountain rumbles and God makes His presence known. Aaron is invited up the mountain but not the priests.
Moses goes down and speaks to the people. I'm noticing that Moses is doing a lot of speaking for a guy who couldn't speak before. I wonder briefly if this is why the people have been not such good listeners.
Moses and his people come to Mount Sinai, which is obviously not in Sinai as it is clearly a volcano. They pitch tent on a platform, which is much like the one at Mount Bedr, at the base of the volcano. What better way to impress and scare the crap out of the people than to spit fire, rumble, and emit a lot of smoke? God decrees that people should not touch the mountain lest they die. Then he calls Moses atop to tell him that no one else should come up there except Moses and anyone specifically requested. Moses asserts that since no one is allowed to touch the mountain, they can hardly go up it.
Moses tells them that they have three days to prepare for God appearing so they should clean themselves up a bit. Sure enough, mountain rumbles and God makes His presence known. Aaron is invited up the mountain but not the priests.
Moses goes down and speaks to the people. I'm noticing that Moses is doing a lot of speaking for a guy who couldn't speak before. I wonder briefly if this is why the people have been not such good listeners.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 20
Faced with God's impressive fire and smoke, the people of Israel begin to receive a series of commandments.
I AM
There is one God, the one who saved you from Egypt, and He gets really angry if you acknowledge any others via sculptures, pictures or thoughts. This includes beings that exist either in Heaven, underground, or in the water.
Don't use God's name in any sentence that conveys complaint because, quite frankly, He's sick of your whining.
Only work six days a week because God knows that if you don't take a break on the seventh you just want to trash the whole project.
Honour your parents as they brought you into this world and they can take you out... also, that's where your inheritance is coming from.
Don't kill. (This soon gets confusing)
Don't commit adultery, steal, lie, or want what isn't yours.
God punctuates this all with a volcano fart. The people say "it'd be okay if that never happens again" and ask Moses to resume his role as the go between... then everybody backs away as Moses ventures into the black cloud.
God repeats to Moses that he doesn't want any images made of God(s) and then places an order for a sacrificial altar... because He changed His mind about "Don't kill"
Faced with God's impressive fire and smoke, the people of Israel begin to receive a series of commandments.
I AM
There is one God, the one who saved you from Egypt, and He gets really angry if you acknowledge any others via sculptures, pictures or thoughts. This includes beings that exist either in Heaven, underground, or in the water.
Don't use God's name in any sentence that conveys complaint because, quite frankly, He's sick of your whining.
Only work six days a week because God knows that if you don't take a break on the seventh you just want to trash the whole project.
Honour your parents as they brought you into this world and they can take you out... also, that's where your inheritance is coming from.
Don't kill. (This soon gets confusing)
Don't commit adultery, steal, lie, or want what isn't yours.
God punctuates this all with a volcano fart. The people say "it'd be okay if that never happens again" and ask Moses to resume his role as the go between... then everybody backs away as Moses ventures into the black cloud.
God repeats to Moses that he doesn't want any images made of God(s) and then places an order for a sacrificial altar... because He changed His mind about "Don't kill"
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 21
The first commandments are criminal law. The next chapter is tort law. We get an idea of what Moses was sat there listening to while Jethro tsked from the sidelines.
how to deal with slaves
how to deal with unhappy marriages
specific examples of 'don't kill'
appropriate payment for grievous wounding
owners of oxen are responsible for any damage they do
From the sound of it, there is a lot of damage done by oxen pushing things about with their horns, resulting in oxen traps being laid, resulting in retaliation for oxen traps.
I was a little surprised that there was slavery going on since that's what they were supposed to have been saved from. Guess not even God can save people from themselves.
The first commandments are criminal law. The next chapter is tort law. We get an idea of what Moses was sat there listening to while Jethro tsked from the sidelines.
how to deal with slaves
how to deal with unhappy marriages
specific examples of 'don't kill'
appropriate payment for grievous wounding
owners of oxen are responsible for any damage they do
From the sound of it, there is a lot of damage done by oxen pushing things about with their horns, resulting in oxen traps being laid, resulting in retaliation for oxen traps.
I was a little surprised that there was slavery going on since that's what they were supposed to have been saved from. Guess not even God can save people from themselves.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 22
More tort law.
theives have to pay double for what they stole
you can't steal back what you give someone
return borrowed items in the original condition
if you sleep with a virgin, you bought her
kill witches
That last one pops up in a strange place. Kind of sounds like a good way to get rid of a virgin you don't want to buy.
don't have sex with animals or sacrifice them to another God
don't oppress strangers, widows or fatherless children
don't charge interest on loans
all the firstborn everything belong to God after 7 days
if it's dead when you find it, don't eat it
There were two bits I didn't really get. Something about taking someone's clothes and not giving them back before bedtime. And: "Thou shalt not revile the gods, nor curse the ruler of thy people." It's pretty straightforward except for the "s" on the end of god. That's a pretty big typo.
I'd also note that the firstborn rule was focused around not delaying, and He sets a time limit before the offering should be made. He specifically reminds that firstborn male children are supposed to be offered to him as well. It sounds as if the people are not rushing to throw their children into the sacrificial pits.
More tort law.
theives have to pay double for what they stole
you can't steal back what you give someone
return borrowed items in the original condition
if you sleep with a virgin, you bought her
kill witches
That last one pops up in a strange place. Kind of sounds like a good way to get rid of a virgin you don't want to buy.
don't have sex with animals or sacrifice them to another God
don't oppress strangers, widows or fatherless children
don't charge interest on loans
all the firstborn everything belong to God after 7 days
if it's dead when you find it, don't eat it
There were two bits I didn't really get. Something about taking someone's clothes and not giving them back before bedtime. And: "Thou shalt not revile the gods, nor curse the ruler of thy people." It's pretty straightforward except for the "s" on the end of god. That's a pretty big typo.
I'd also note that the firstborn rule was focused around not delaying, and He sets a time limit before the offering should be made. He specifically reminds that firstborn male children are supposed to be offered to him as well. It sounds as if the people are not rushing to throw their children into the sacrificial pits.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 23
... Don't lie, be nice to each other, don't take gifts...
There is some repetition happening but new events include the announcement that God is giving them an angel who will speak for him, judge them and forgive sins on God's behalf. God will soon be driving out the other folks from the promised land via hornets. He warns that all strangers are to be thrown out quickly so their false gods won't be a temptation.
There's also a reminder about Sabbaths, unleavened bread and sacrifices. It's hard not to skim read this part. I'm glad I didn't or I would have missed the Angel bit. It becomes a bit of a mystery as to who or what this Angel is. I've seen some claim that it is Christ but Christ comes later... you can't just go inserting him into the story prior to his birth.
... Don't lie, be nice to each other, don't take gifts...
There is some repetition happening but new events include the announcement that God is giving them an angel who will speak for him, judge them and forgive sins on God's behalf. God will soon be driving out the other folks from the promised land via hornets. He warns that all strangers are to be thrown out quickly so their false gods won't be a temptation.
There's also a reminder about Sabbaths, unleavened bread and sacrifices. It's hard not to skim read this part. I'm glad I didn't or I would have missed the Angel bit. It becomes a bit of a mystery as to who or what this Angel is. I've seen some claim that it is Christ but Christ comes later... you can't just go inserting him into the story prior to his birth.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 24
Moses tells the people God has summoned him and few select others up the firey mountain and everyone else must stay away. They all readily agree not to go near the hot, smoky, dangerous place. Before they leave, Moses constructs an altar with twelve pillars that represent the twelve tribes of Israel, kills a whole bunch of animals and sprays the people with it to make all the laws a blood pact. The people have sworn not to drink blood but it's entirely cool to wear it.
The chosen few ascend the mountain and "see" God. I put that in quotes as no one is actually supposed to see God and survive. They were all very impressed. Then God told Moses to go up the mountain alone to record the law of God on some stone tablets. "And the sight of the glory of the LORD was like devouring fire on the top of the mount in the eyes of the children of Israel." Brave Moses went, all by himself, into the heart of the black smoke to talk to God. He was gone 40 days and nights. Little throwback to Noah there.
He left Aaron in charge while he was gone. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Moses tells the people God has summoned him and few select others up the firey mountain and everyone else must stay away. They all readily agree not to go near the hot, smoky, dangerous place. Before they leave, Moses constructs an altar with twelve pillars that represent the twelve tribes of Israel, kills a whole bunch of animals and sprays the people with it to make all the laws a blood pact. The people have sworn not to drink blood but it's entirely cool to wear it.
The chosen few ascend the mountain and "see" God. I put that in quotes as no one is actually supposed to see God and survive. They were all very impressed. Then God told Moses to go up the mountain alone to record the law of God on some stone tablets. "And the sight of the glory of the LORD was like devouring fire on the top of the mount in the eyes of the children of Israel." Brave Moses went, all by himself, into the heart of the black smoke to talk to God. He was gone 40 days and nights. Little throwback to Noah there.
He left Aaron in charge while he was gone. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 25
Mostly an inventory list and preliminary instructions on how to build a) a good tabernacle b) a most excellent ark
"...And blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine linen, and goats' hair, And rams' skins dyed red, and badgers' skins, and shittim wood,..." lots of gold, silver and copper. How long, how high, where the rings go. Cherubims on top, facing each other, wings touching. Gosh, God sure knows what he wants.
Mostly an inventory list and preliminary instructions on how to build a) a good tabernacle b) a most excellent ark
"...And blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine linen, and goats' hair, And rams' skins dyed red, and badgers' skins, and shittim wood,..." lots of gold, silver and copper. How long, how high, where the rings go. Cherubims on top, facing each other, wings touching. Gosh, God sure knows what he wants.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 26
God's a seamstress too. "And thou shalt make loops of blue upon the edge of the one curtain from the selvedge in the coupling;" how many people nowadays know what a selvedge is? God only wants eleven curtains on his tabernacle. I wonder if that's because curtains, or veils, block vision and He always chooses one relative at a time to show Himself to out of the twelve tribes. Might be reading a bit too much metaphysical ***** into it.
"And thou shalt make a vail of blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine twined linen of cunning work: with cherubims shall it be made:" God is sounding a little like a fashion designer.
I'm disconcerted.
God's a seamstress too. "And thou shalt make loops of blue upon the edge of the one curtain from the selvedge in the coupling;" how many people nowadays know what a selvedge is? God only wants eleven curtains on his tabernacle. I wonder if that's because curtains, or veils, block vision and He always chooses one relative at a time to show Himself to out of the twelve tribes. Might be reading a bit too much metaphysical ***** into it.
"And thou shalt make a vail of blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine twined linen of cunning work: with cherubims shall it be made:" God is sounding a little like a fashion designer.
I'm disconcerted.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 27
If you plan on building a tabernacle, this is an important chapter. If you don't, the main point of interest that I found was: "And thou shalt make the horns of it upon the four corners thereof: his horns shall be of the same: and thou shalt overlay it with brass."
Horns, eh? Interesting choice. As we'll soon see, Aaron was already working on this part. God doesn't seem to happy about it though.
If you plan on building a tabernacle, this is an important chapter. If you don't, the main point of interest that I found was: "And thou shalt make the horns of it upon the four corners thereof: his horns shall be of the same: and thou shalt overlay it with brass."
Horns, eh? Interesting choice. As we'll soon see, Aaron was already working on this part. God doesn't seem to happy about it though.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 28
God explains how Aaron should dress as the High Priest and, playing fashion designer again, describes in thorough detail what these vestments should look like.
All in all, there's a breastplate, an ephod, a robe, coat, a mitre, and a "curious" girdle. Small details are not left unattended. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs they shall reach." Whew. That could have been a little awkward if He'd left that part out.
God explains how Aaron should dress as the High Priest and, playing fashion designer again, describes in thorough detail what these vestments should look like.
All in all, there's a breastplate, an ephod, a robe, coat, a mitre, and a "curious" girdle. Small details are not left unattended. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs they shall reach." Whew. That could have been a little awkward if He'd left that part out.
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Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
I'm loving this it's funny ...that's why I'm not posting ........carry on .
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 29
God outlines how to properly smear sacrificial blood on the priests to anoint them.
Exodus 30
God gives instruction on the building of his sacrificial altar and how to properly use it.
Exodus 31
God selects some craftspeople to imbue with sufficient talent to construct the ark and tabernacle. Then he summarizes a few of the points made at the beginning of the 40 day chat and ends by etching all of the directions on stone tablets for Moses to take back.
Seriously, there is no way he could be expected to remember all that. All the measurements, colours of linen, design details, which animal to kill for what purpose,... It would have taken 40 days just to chisel the basics into the stone. The only thing that might have helped out a bit would have been if God had given him a trolley or wheelbarrow to carry the stones back. Assuredly he didn't curse so I'm thinking it was a serious of loud praises all the way home.
"Oh, Lord, I'm so glad you think me so strong!"
"Oh, thank the Lord this all fit onto two stones!"
"Oh, Lord, can we invent shorthand next?"
God outlines how to properly smear sacrificial blood on the priests to anoint them.
Exodus 30
God gives instruction on the building of his sacrificial altar and how to properly use it.
Exodus 31
God selects some craftspeople to imbue with sufficient talent to construct the ark and tabernacle. Then he summarizes a few of the points made at the beginning of the 40 day chat and ends by etching all of the directions on stone tablets for Moses to take back.
Seriously, there is no way he could be expected to remember all that. All the measurements, colours of linen, design details, which animal to kill for what purpose,... It would have taken 40 days just to chisel the basics into the stone. The only thing that might have helped out a bit would have been if God had given him a trolley or wheelbarrow to carry the stones back. Assuredly he didn't curse so I'm thinking it was a serious of loud praises all the way home.
"Oh, Lord, I'm so glad you think me so strong!"
"Oh, thank the Lord this all fit onto two stones!"
"Oh, Lord, can we invent shorthand next?"
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
fuzzywuzzy;1340123 wrote: I'm loving this it's funny ...that's why I'm not posting ........carry on .
Glad you're reading and enjoying it
I really am trying to get the story right while making it more fun to read for people with limited reading time.
Glad you're reading and enjoying it
I really am trying to get the story right while making it more fun to read for people with limited reading time.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 32
All this dictation takes a fair amount of time and the people of Israel, knowing Moses hadn't gone that far, decide he's been smote. They turn to Aaron, the next in charge, and problem solve. "Alright then, make us another God to worship. We seem to have lost the other one." So Aaron makes a golden calf, probably for the Egyptian god, Apis. When he'd finished they had a little pagan party. God hears the beatboxing below.
"What's this?" God tells Moses to get a move on it. "I leave them alone for a minute and they give Apis all my credit! Why, I oughta smote them. In fact, I think I will!"
Moses pleas with God, "If you kill them the Egyptians will laugh at us. It would look kind of bad if you save us then kill us." Then Moses hurries the rest of the way down the mountain to work out what the heck is going on. Joshua, his manservant, is apparently waiting for Moses part way, but close enough to hear the noise. "Sounds like war... no... crying... no... Oh, crap, they're singing." (Why does this sound Grinchy?)
Moses bursts onto the scene but no one notices him waving his arms about and the music is too loud so he raises the stone tablets of the Lord over his head and smashes them to the ground. (Not his best idea yet) They look up and Aaron tries to hide the golden calf behind his back. Moses takes the idol from him to which Aaron says, "They made me do it."
Moses destroys the golden calf, makes them drink it somehow, then notices the people are naked and probably a little drunk. He draws a line in the sand and tells them to choose sides. Aaron jumps to Moses' side along with the other children of Levi and they go about slaughtering the 3 000 Hebrews that were too drunk to figure out which side of the line meant living.
Moses apologises to the Lord who says He won't kill them but He's going to plague the Israelites for a while.
All this dictation takes a fair amount of time and the people of Israel, knowing Moses hadn't gone that far, decide he's been smote. They turn to Aaron, the next in charge, and problem solve. "Alright then, make us another God to worship. We seem to have lost the other one." So Aaron makes a golden calf, probably for the Egyptian god, Apis. When he'd finished they had a little pagan party. God hears the beatboxing below.
"What's this?" God tells Moses to get a move on it. "I leave them alone for a minute and they give Apis all my credit! Why, I oughta smote them. In fact, I think I will!"
Moses pleas with God, "If you kill them the Egyptians will laugh at us. It would look kind of bad if you save us then kill us." Then Moses hurries the rest of the way down the mountain to work out what the heck is going on. Joshua, his manservant, is apparently waiting for Moses part way, but close enough to hear the noise. "Sounds like war... no... crying... no... Oh, crap, they're singing." (Why does this sound Grinchy?)
Moses bursts onto the scene but no one notices him waving his arms about and the music is too loud so he raises the stone tablets of the Lord over his head and smashes them to the ground. (Not his best idea yet) They look up and Aaron tries to hide the golden calf behind his back. Moses takes the idol from him to which Aaron says, "They made me do it."
Moses destroys the golden calf, makes them drink it somehow, then notices the people are naked and probably a little drunk. He draws a line in the sand and tells them to choose sides. Aaron jumps to Moses' side along with the other children of Levi and they go about slaughtering the 3 000 Hebrews that were too drunk to figure out which side of the line meant living.
Moses apologises to the Lord who says He won't kill them but He's going to plague the Israelites for a while.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 33
God tells Moses he's not going with them to the promise land. He's sending an angel instead. He figures He'd just get angry and smite them all if He goes along.
Moses, still a little sore that his people made him look bad, picks up the tabernacle tent and pitches it further away. Then he goes inside, amidst lots of sulfuric smoke and the people bite their fingernails waiting to see what happens next.
Moses and God have a little face to face to work things out. "You gotta throw me a bone here, God. If you don't come there's no way I'll be able to convince everyone you're still protecting us. I know, we screwed up. But you gotta understand, you keep promising us stuff and I know you're good for it but we haven't really gotten any useful information yet. And we're running out of animals to feed you."
God crosses His arms and kicks the sand a little.
Evidently, their face to face convo doesn't actually involve faces as, they come to an agreement that Moses will be granted a vision. God will pass by while covering Moses' eyes "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen." And thus God mooned Moses.
God tells Moses he's not going with them to the promise land. He's sending an angel instead. He figures He'd just get angry and smite them all if He goes along.
Moses, still a little sore that his people made him look bad, picks up the tabernacle tent and pitches it further away. Then he goes inside, amidst lots of sulfuric smoke and the people bite their fingernails waiting to see what happens next.
Moses and God have a little face to face to work things out. "You gotta throw me a bone here, God. If you don't come there's no way I'll be able to convince everyone you're still protecting us. I know, we screwed up. But you gotta understand, you keep promising us stuff and I know you're good for it but we haven't really gotten any useful information yet. And we're running out of animals to feed you."
God crosses His arms and kicks the sand a little.
Evidently, their face to face convo doesn't actually involve faces as, they come to an agreement that Moses will be granted a vision. God will pass by while covering Moses' eyes "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen." And thus God mooned Moses.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 34
So Moses chips out two more stone tablets to replace the ones he broke and hauls them back up the mountain for another 40 days and nights. This time God prefaces the commandment dictation with "Oh, I am longsuffering. And good and true... and merciful."
Moses might have had a "Huh?" face because God explains how He forgives iniquity, transgressions and sin in a way that doesn't relieve guilt and transfers punishment for the iniquity onto the children and grandchildren for three or four generations. Moses immediately hides his head and agrees with the choice of "merciful".
God offers a covenant to the Israelites in the form of "thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee." This doesn't sound like a good deal to me but Moses apparently takes the offer.
"For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God" They hadn't invented the thesaurus yet. But to clarify, the main warning is not to "go a whoring" after other gods. For that very reason, the Israelites are to drive out or otherwise smite all the people who currently inhabit the promise land. Specifically, "But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves."
I'd be thinking that sounds like a lot of work for something that's supposed to be a gift.
Then they carve the commandments again, Moses drags them back down the mountain and puts a vail over his face to go over all the rules again. Moses must have stood a little too close to God's backside because his face got... altered. It "glowed" most likely due to intense lava heat and some sputtering flames.
So Moses chips out two more stone tablets to replace the ones he broke and hauls them back up the mountain for another 40 days and nights. This time God prefaces the commandment dictation with "Oh, I am longsuffering. And good and true... and merciful."
Moses might have had a "Huh?" face because God explains how He forgives iniquity, transgressions and sin in a way that doesn't relieve guilt and transfers punishment for the iniquity onto the children and grandchildren for three or four generations. Moses immediately hides his head and agrees with the choice of "merciful".
God offers a covenant to the Israelites in the form of "thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee." This doesn't sound like a good deal to me but Moses apparently takes the offer.
"For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God" They hadn't invented the thesaurus yet. But to clarify, the main warning is not to "go a whoring" after other gods. For that very reason, the Israelites are to drive out or otherwise smite all the people who currently inhabit the promise land. Specifically, "But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves."
I'd be thinking that sounds like a lot of work for something that's supposed to be a gift.
Then they carve the commandments again, Moses drags them back down the mountain and puts a vail over his face to go over all the rules again. Moses must have stood a little too close to God's backside because his face got... altered. It "glowed" most likely due to intense lava heat and some sputtering flames.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
koan;1340112 wrote: All in all, there's a breastplate, an ephod, a robe, coat, a mitre, and a "curious" girdle.And Urim and Thummim. They turn out to be rather vital components. They're a form of Godly dice and the High Priests from Aaron onward all use them to get answers to questions like "is he guilty" or "should we smite the Philistines tomorrow". The prophets never needed them - God carried on talking to the prophets - but the High Priests rapidly lost all other direct access to the Divine Will. Urim and Thummim are a big oracular deal. Nobody knows where they ended up, you'd make a small fortune if you recognized them in a downtown junk shop.
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
spot;1340149 wrote: And Urim and Thummim. They turn out to be rather vital components. They're a form of Godly dice and the High Priests from Aaron onward all use them to get answers to questions like "is he guilty" or "should we smite the Philistines tomorrow". The prophets never needed them - God carried on talking to the prophets - but the High Priests rapidly lost all other direct access to the Divine Will. Urim and Thummim are a big oracular deal. Nobody knows where they ended up, you'd make a small fortune if you recognized them in a downtown junk shop.
Ah! I missed that completely. Had to look it up before I remembered reading about them in the novel The Alchemist. I suppose there are quite a few things like that which can slip past until you get to later books in the story.
Ah! I missed that completely. Had to look it up before I remembered reading about them in the novel The Alchemist. I suppose there are quite a few things like that which can slip past until you get to later books in the story.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
koan;1340151 wrote: Ah! I missed that completely. Had to look it up before I remembered reading about them in the novel The Alchemist. I suppose there are quite a few things like that which can slip past until you get to later books in the story.
I'm worried that you're going to have spells of thinking nobody's interested before you get to the end. Do you really want to get there single handed or can we throw in the occasional chapter while you're asleep?
I'm worried that you're going to have spells of thinking nobody's interested before you get to the end. Do you really want to get there single handed or can we throw in the occasional chapter while you're asleep?
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
spot;1340154 wrote: I'm worried that you're going to have spells of thinking nobody's interested before you get to the end. Do you really want to get there single handed or can we throw in the occasional chapter while you're asleep?
It's a generous offer. I fully intend to get through the whole thing though. And, if I do, then it will have been a great accomplishment. Just reading it is one thing, the work, as you're pointing out, is getting all the impressions written down. I'm eager to catch all the humour of it too so I'm trying to stop when I get tired.
I'll be pleased with the occasional comment here and there when I miss something. Even if no one was reading I'd still keep going.
It's a generous offer. I fully intend to get through the whole thing though. And, if I do, then it will have been a great accomplishment. Just reading it is one thing, the work, as you're pointing out, is getting all the impressions written down. I'm eager to catch all the humour of it too so I'm trying to stop when I get tired.
I'll be pleased with the occasional comment here and there when I miss something. Even if no one was reading I'd still keep going.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 35
This is really just a repeat of instructions with the overtone of "You'll give it and you'll be happy about it!"
Exodus 36
The people are taking things more seriously "For the stuff they had was sufficient for all the work to make it, and too much."
They start with the tabernacle. Lots of repitition which, again, you don't need to worry about unless you plan to build one... or want some decor ideas.
Exodus 37
Next they make the furniture: the ark
Now, I've heard the ark described as an ancient battery. They put specific stuff inside that could create a reaction and the cherubs on top with their wings facing could be the points where the electricity would jump back and forth. If that was true it's a pretty good way to carry God around.
Let there be light!
(and I'm off to bed for the night... so, lights out :p)
This is really just a repeat of instructions with the overtone of "You'll give it and you'll be happy about it!"
Exodus 36
The people are taking things more seriously "For the stuff they had was sufficient for all the work to make it, and too much."
They start with the tabernacle. Lots of repitition which, again, you don't need to worry about unless you plan to build one... or want some decor ideas.
Exodus 37
Next they make the furniture: the ark
Now, I've heard the ark described as an ancient battery. They put specific stuff inside that could create a reaction and the cherubs on top with their wings facing could be the points where the electricity would jump back and forth. If that was true it's a pretty good way to carry God around.
Let there be light!
(and I'm off to bed for the night... so, lights out :p)
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Bravo!!
I had never thought about Gods butt until reading this.
Side note: God invented mooning. I knew he had a sense of humor.
I had never thought about Gods butt until reading this.
Side note: God invented mooning. I knew he had a sense of humor.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
YZGI;1340198 wrote: Bravo!!
I had never thought about Gods butt until reading this.
Side note: God invented mooning. I knew he had a sense of humor.
Huh?? Where does it say that? YZZGGIII, you been readin' Tobacco Road again? :wah:
I had never thought about Gods butt until reading this.
Side note: God invented mooning. I knew he had a sense of humor.
Huh?? Where does it say that? YZZGGIII, you been readin' Tobacco Road again? :wah:
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
koan;1340136 wrote: Exodus 33
Evidently, their face to face convo doesn't actually involve faces as, they come to an agreement that Moses will be granted a vision. God will pass by while covering Moses' eyes "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen." And thus God mooned Moses.
ZAP;1340256 wrote: Huh?? Where does it say that? YZZGGIII, you been readin' Tobacco Road again? :wah:
It says it alright. :p
That "back parts" quote is actually direct from the KJ version
Evidently, their face to face convo doesn't actually involve faces as, they come to an agreement that Moses will be granted a vision. God will pass by while covering Moses' eyes "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen." And thus God mooned Moses.
ZAP;1340256 wrote: Huh?? Where does it say that? YZZGGIII, you been readin' Tobacco Road again? :wah:
It says it alright. :p
That "back parts" quote is actually direct from the KJ version
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
koan;1340295 wrote: It says it alright. :p
That "back parts" quote is actually direct from the KJ version
Too funny! You learn something everyday.
That "back parts" quote is actually direct from the KJ version
Too funny! You learn something everyday.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 2 - Exodus
Exodus 38
Lots of detailed description of Bezaleel building the Ark
Exodus 39
Detailed description of making the priestly garments for Aaron.
When they are done making everything to spec, Moses looks at it all, sees that it was done right and probably wants to cry with relief.
Exodus 40
So they play kindertoy assembly with all the pieces until the tabernacle is put together, Aaron and his sons are annointed to carry out priestly duties, the stone tablets are placed in the Ark making it the Ark of the Covenant, the sacrifices are made and God descends into his travel box. It's all fire and smoke so that Moses can't go into the tent for a bit. The people are impressed and glad they remembered to anoint the curtains.
So the journey begins. When the Ark is smoking like a tepee at a peace pipe ceremony they wait. When it eases up they travel.
so ends Exodus
Lots of detailed description of Bezaleel building the Ark
Exodus 39
Detailed description of making the priestly garments for Aaron.
When they are done making everything to spec, Moses looks at it all, sees that it was done right and probably wants to cry with relief.
Exodus 40
So they play kindertoy assembly with all the pieces until the tabernacle is put together, Aaron and his sons are annointed to carry out priestly duties, the stone tablets are placed in the Ark making it the Ark of the Covenant, the sacrifices are made and God descends into his travel box. It's all fire and smoke so that Moses can't go into the tent for a bit. The people are impressed and glad they remembered to anoint the curtains.
So the journey begins. When the Ark is smoking like a tepee at a peace pipe ceremony they wait. When it eases up they travel.
so ends Exodus