Why is being single so bad?

koan · Post by **koan** » Mon May 23, 2005 10:13 am

So many people find themselves in bad relationships because they were so desperate to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It seems to make people feel like they have more value when they have a significant other. I've known women that wanted little to do with me or acted like I had a contagious disease when I told them I wasn't dating anyone at the time. What is up with that?

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Mon May 23, 2005 10:31 am

yeah, isn't that weird? I've always been extremely choosy about who I go out with. If they are too "high maintenance" I just call off the relationship.

Honestly, I was a bachelor for 12 solid years and I never missed the whole cohabitation thing. As a matter of fact, it was very nice to be able to just go home and not deal with people sometimes.

Besides, I had my kitty cat for companionship, and funny thing about that was, he liked all the same TV programs I did!

koan · Post by **koan** » Mon May 23, 2005 10:43 am

I wonder sometimes if the high cost of living creates a sense of urgency to live together. Maybe, to relieve the pressure of surviving, people feel they need a partner just to make it in the "real world".

john8pies · Post by **john8pies** » Mon May 23, 2005 11:00 am

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, or being in a relationship. Both have pros and cons. If you want to stay single, good luck to you!

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Mon May 23, 2005 11:00 am

Well, there is that whole 'two salary" thing. You can't easily have the kind of standard of living you would like by working yourself anymore.....

But that said, my poor wife has been out of work due to illnes for the last five years or so, and we seem to get along fine. We really don't need every cable channel known to man, or new clothes every week.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Mon May 23, 2005 11:02 am

I have a pair of elderly Aunts that have been single all their lives. They were buddies in college and teachers in the same school for over 25 years.

Most people assume they're lesbians, but they aren't. They just never wanted anyone else in their lives and they had a great time being together.

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Mon May 23, 2005 11:32 am

I was single for five years after the death of my first wife. The kids were out of the house and on their own. I loved it and thought I would just stay single. I enjoyed doing everything my way, from cooking to cleaning, decorating & furnishing, but alas, I met that one lady that I wanted to share the rest of my life with, and now, I must be considerate again and not so self centered. I love it!!! Nothing wrong with some folks staying single permanately. One of the daughters will probably never marry.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Mon May 23, 2005 12:59 pm

Once youve gotten over the fear of the financial thing.. being single becomes second nature. You discover running your own life is very satisfying. I say this still believing that The man of my dreams will turn the corner at any moment. However if he doesnt I could never ever involve myself with someone.. just to have someone.

koan · Post by **koan** » Mon May 23, 2005 6:55 pm

it's the fear of not having someone to share life with - I know that sounds silly but it's how I feel.
I don't think that's silly at all.

I usually meet the most interesting people when I'm not looking though. I think too many people get depressed actively looking for the right person instead of waiting for it to happen on its own. All the heartache and disappointment because they are trying to force a situation.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon May 23, 2005 7:06 pm

I was a single Mom for 13 years. I don't know if that counts because I had my daughter - so I didn't get very lonely - very frustrated - but not lonely. I didn't mind not having a relationship because she was more important. Now she's gone and I have a relationship that is very good. I suppose everything works itself out in the end.

David813 · Post by **David813** » Mon May 23, 2005 7:17 pm

I love being single! Being attached to the same person all the time would drain me of all inner spirit. I have no regrets! SINGLE'S RULE!!!

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue May 24, 2005 2:23 am

anewlife wrote: It's tough - I have never been alone - high school - college - living with someone - marrying someone else- 19 years. It is scary as hell now to be alone. Money is not the issue - it's the fear of not having someone to share life with - I know that sounds silly but it's how I feel.

Perhaps it i has something to do with validation. Someone else says we are important, funny, good looking, etc. than you are - now you have no one to tell you those things. Odd isn't it.

My last breakup was 4 and a half years ago... I had a nervous break down over it.

During the process of trying to save myself..I would examine.. Why? am I feeling so so bad? I realized, I hadnt been alone in 25 years. Not only had the relationship with my partner ended... My children were gone also, Very very tough pill to swallow, While struggling to adapt to the way life now was... a metamorphisis took place. Subconciously I decided I never wanted to visit that pit of pain again.. so you change and begin the process of embracing life the way it is. I definately understand the validation part you mentioned though. I crept around thinking I was ugly because I so missed the feeling that my partner appreciated the way I looked, and who I was. Interestingly. it was me who left him. Made the choice to leave.. found myself drowning in those murky waters of pain, and so wanted him back for a very long time. Since arriving on a new shore.,

I try to help others make the transition by pointing out some of the lessons I learned on the journey. Age.. or the stage of life your in has a lot to do with how enthusiastic you can feel about the future. But that is another subject.

Wolverine · Post by **Wolverine** » Tue May 24, 2005 9:06 am

I just got out of a 3 half year relationship. We were engaged. Lived together for 3 years. Ended 6 months ago. I am still not used to sleeping alone. how long does that take to get used to?

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue May 24, 2005 9:23 am

koan wrote: So many people find themselves in bad relationships because they were so desperate to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It seems to make people feel like they have more value when they have a significant other. I've known women that wanted little to do with me or acted like I had a contagious disease when I told them I wasn't dating anyone at the time. What is up with that?

Because society shoved it down our throats we are to make ourselves beautiful for a mate, and without a mate we are nothing yada yada yada. Blame media. Advertising for beautiful you, movies about love and romance, etc. Heck even a lot of social functions are geared to the couple's world. Your thought as odd to show up as a single. For years when I was married the ex went to all his company functions alone because I could not stand the social clique. For years he was thought to be single. Very few people thought he was married. The reaction from those folks when some finally did meet me was utterly hilarious.

Some people see singles as a threat as in ooo my partner may go after her cause she is single. Some folks see singles as oooo i like their life style and may want out of their stale relationships.

It seems endless the opinion of singles.

Agnes · Post by **Agnes** » Tue May 24, 2005 12:54 pm

being alone when young is okay, its as you get older, no-one will be there to take care of you? it is not like you are diseased, you may be difficult to please or you want to be alone? later in the life, it is tough, make sure you have a lot of family and neighbors?

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue May 24, 2005 12:58 pm

Wolverine wrote: I just got out of a 3 half year relationship. We were engaged. Lived together for 3 years. Ended 6 months ago. I am still not used to sleeping alone. how long does that take to get used to?
Sleeping alone is kind of sad... I dont know if you ever get used to that.. Because in the night people, like animals kind of like to snuggle up together... funny how we dont think about that when we think about breaking up,,,

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Tue May 24, 2005 2:53 pm

koan wrote: I usually meet the most interesting people when I'm not looking though. I think too many people get depressed actively looking for the right person instead of waiting for it to happen on its own. All the heartache and disappointment because they are trying to force a situation.I just said this to a mate, before reading this post... I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my current man, couldn't be happier now :-6

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Tue May 24, 2005 3:02 pm

Wolverine wrote: I just got out of a 3 half year relationship. We were engaged. Lived together for 3 years. Ended 6 months ago. I am still not used to sleeping alone. how long does that take to get used to?

Truly I think it takes about 2 yrs to get over love....and the sleeping part, well that is tough, but I had a teddy bear my love had given me and I slept with it all the time. We dated 10 yrs. It helped after we broke up and I always slept with it for years...even after I was way over this guy. OK...the funny part--when I got married, LOL..well my husband kicked the teddy bear out of the bed! It was really hard learning to sleep a different way but that took only a few weeks. I guess you could call the bear my "transitional object"!!!

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Tue May 24, 2005 3:18 pm

koan wrote: So many people find themselves in bad relationships because they were so desperate to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It seems to make people feel like they have more value when they have a significant other. I've known women that wanted little to do with me or acted like I had a contagious disease when I told them I wasn't dating anyone at the time. What is up with that?

I agree with you Koan...too many people desperate to find love and settling for something when the really great true love might have been right around the corner. Many people even settle into abusive relationships because they are afraid of being alone. That is so sad. They actually decrease the quality of their own life.

That said, it seems I was always with someone myself. At times, when I look back I think I may have settled w/ different situations. But with my hubby, I truly know I am the lucky one. Our 10 yr anniversary is in July and we have 3 beautiful children. We are so fortunate and yet things weren't always easy. Our second baby was born premature and died in the delivery room. And our little girl, only 3 suffers from Juvenile Diabetes and must take 2-3 shots a day for the rest of her life. My husband and I have endured these things TOGETHER. I am glad he has been there and know I could not be doing it w/out him.

Now, on a humorous note, that said....most of my girlfriends know because I have told them...(and I love my husband dearly) if anything ever happened or we divorced I would NEVER marry again. No offense to him, but I remember living alone and it was peaceful. I love being married to him and our life with the kids, but I must say at times I feel like Cinderella!! Nobody does anything around here but me. As I sit and type at 5:15 pm, I am taking a rest from what I started at 9 am......today I have cooked 3 meals, done 6 loads of laundry, vacuumed , shampooed the carpets, dusted 3 rooms, and done 3 loads of dishes!!! Also, pulled weeds, planted plants, fixed 2 toys, made 4 beds, and the list goes on........being alone would not be so bad!!!! LOL

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Tue May 24, 2005 3:21 pm

Oh I forgot--I also trimmed 3 trees, watered the plants, and tried to fix the dishwasher. Ugh!!! Did I mention HE took out the trash?! LOL

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue May 24, 2005 3:30 pm

i spent 10 years quite contentedly alone. very happy to have my place and my life to myself. working 12 hour shifts and really no time for anything else. i am one of 27 female deputies among 450 very macho men, opportunities abounded. i was too exhausted to care! i really accepted that was it, romance was over in my life. then the old lightning bolt struck, i met my soulmate and i still can't believe it came so "late" in life when i was not looking. the person i have belonged with my entire life simply appeared. i think i must have done something good, to quote the song in "sound of music". Bothwell...the finest man on earth.

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Tue May 24, 2005 3:47 pm

Oh that is sooo sweet! I am very happy for you Ladycop! Just remember what my mother told me right before I walked down the aisle (and this is no lie).......

"Don't ever touch the lawn mower/mow the lawn!" I stood there in my wedding dress confused...yet I have followed her advice on this even going as far as to pay a kid to mow if necessary and I now know why. If you read my post above, you would see that if I had touched the mower it would only be one more of my "jobs"!!!! So I can happily sit back and say....."I can't--I don't know how!"

PS..I know you already mow the lawn though...so pick something else! Good luck!

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue May 24, 2005 4:26 pm

LOL nope, i have a handy-man mow the lawn. it's too hot here and i do enough tough stuff....rather get in a street brawl than mow grass!

koan · Post by **koan** » Fri May 27, 2005 11:08 pm

I find there are lots of times when I don't think I'm going to make it. Then I do. Somehow. Usually when things get rough it's because I depended on someone else. Yet, I know that there are people who I can rely on. I just haven't met them yet.

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Sat May 28, 2005 3:24 am

ive been happy single, ive been miserable single

ive been happy in a relationship, ive been miserable in a relationship

we come in this world alone & we leave it alone, its about loving yourself first isent it? oh dear does that make sence to anyone :-3

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Sat May 28, 2005 9:53 am

Excellent reply.. That does simply sum it up, doesnt it.