No flaming, please

Post by **spot** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 9:34 am

I'm exploring a possible business venture.

Nobody locally appears to offer a pet-cremation service for sub-kilo departed companions.

I've found a suitable propane-cylinder oven on eBay which will reduce anything up to a kilo in under ninety minutes. For treasured friends weighing less than 150 grams I also have an open barbecue which gives equivalent results whenever I use it.

I have a trading name in mind, "Urn It", and a one-price-fits-all £35 including a ceramic pot in the shape of a hen. That's the only shape I could find but it's very tasteful in a subdued pale green. I can get them for £50 a hundred.

What I haven't yet decided is whether this should be a collect next day operation. I might alternatively put tables and chairs outside and serve tea and cake (£3.50 extra), with the crematee handed over as they leave.

The other problem is that I have no small mammals or birds to practice on, and I really can't start trading until I iron out unanticipated snags.

Smaug · Post by **Smaug** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 9:44 am

spot;1481293 wrote: I'm exploring a possible business venture.

Nobody locally appears to offer a pet-cremation service for sub-kilo departed companions.

I've found a suitable propane-cylinder oven on eBay which will reduce anything up to a kilo in under ninety minutes. For treasured friends weighing less than 150 grams I also have an open barbecue which gives equivalent results whenever I use it.

I have a trading name in mind, "Urn It", and a one-price-fits-all £35 including a tasteful ceramic pot in the shape of a hen. That's the only shape I could find but it's very tasteful in a subdued pale green. I can get them for £50 a hundred.

What I haven't yet decided is whether this should be a collect next day operation. I might alternatively put tables and chairs outside and serve tea and cake (£3.50 extra), with the crematee handed over as they leave.

The other problem is that I have no small mammals or birds to practice on, and I really can't start trading until I iron out unanticipated snags.

Attention all budgie-lovers and pidgeon-fancier's, Spot's after yer birds!!

Sorry, couldn't resist it Spot. Are you serious about this D.I.Y.- style pet cremation? If you are, then maybe you should stop short of cremating it, as it will taste pretty bad! :yh_rotfl

Post by **spot** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 10:18 am

This is a professional service, not DIY!

I'm getting business cards printed with my phone number, email address and a line in italics underneath: "Let your pet enjoy stretching out next to one last hot fire". Subtlety always sells well.

The odd thing is that any domestic animal the size of a cow or upward is just a phone call away from being taken off to feed a furnace, but I reckon nobody round about has ever aimed at the smaller end of the market before.

Smaug · Post by **Smaug** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 11:45 am

spot;1481296 wrote: This is a professional service, not DIY!

I'm getting business cards printed with my phone number, email address and a line in italics underneath: "Let your pet enjoy stretching out next to one last hot fire". Subtlety always sells well.

The odd thing is that any domestic animal the size of a cow or upward is just a phone call away from being taken off to feed a furnace, but I reckon nobody round about has ever aimed at the smaller end of the market before.

How about "Carcked-it-Cremations"?

"Let your pet enjoy stretching out next to one last hot fire" I always find they cook better OVER the fire!

Strange that you can get a cow cremated easier than a small pet. Beats trying to do it on the barbecue, I suppose!

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:11 pm

spot;1481296 wrote: l.............................. but I reckon nobody round about has ever aimed at the smaller end of the market before.

Because they are all buried in the back garden beside the rhubarb.

Smaug · Post by **Smaug** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:14 pm

Bruv;1481300 wrote: Because they are all buried in the back garden beside the rhubarb.

The cows? Big rhubarb patch...:wah:

FourPart · Post by **FourPart** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:27 pm

Would you be handing over the Crematee with or without pickles?

Post by **Betty Boop** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:27 pm

You've been beaten to it

Penwith Pets Crematorium

think again...

Post by **spot** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:39 pm

Betty Boop;1481304 wrote: You've been beaten to it.

Oh rats.

and gerbils. Shrews. All at £102 plus the price of an urn? And VAT?

I'd be a whole load cheaper and you'd get tea, cake and an appropriate level of sympathy thrown in.

Actually if you don't want to stop and wait their price isn't outrageously more, it's just the £60 surcharge for hanging around crying while the equipment's fired up that makes it higher. And the urn. I found cheaper urns.

I wonder whether you could show up there with a dozen gerbils and have them all done at a single "under 9 kilos" price.

Post by **spot** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:41 pm

And what do I do now with this propane-fired ceramic oven I've ordered off eBay.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:42 pm

spot;1481307 wrote: Oh rats.

and gerbils. Shrews. All at £102 plus the price of an urn? And VAT?

I'd be a whole load cheaper and you'd get tea, cake and an appropriate level of sympathy thrown in.

Actually if you don't want to stop and wait their price isn't outrageously more, it's just the £60 surcharge for hanging around crying while the equipment's fired up that makes it higher. And the urn. I found cheaper urns.

I wonder whether you could show up there with a dozen gerbils and have them all done at a single "under 9 kilos" price.

I shall ask the owners next time I see them.

I shall also warn them they have competition.

Smaug · Post by **Smaug** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:44 pm

Wonder if they do them with relish...

Must admit, I wouldn't like it! :yh_wink

FourPart · Post by **FourPart** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:48 pm

Betty Boop;1481310 wrote: I shall ask the owners next time I see them.

I shall also warn them they have competition.
You could also palm them & put in empty caskets & flog the real ones to the pet shop as snake food.

Smaug · Post by **Smaug** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:53 pm

spot;1481309 wrote: And what do I do now with this propane-fired ceramic oven I've ordered off eBay.

Gimme strength!!:yh_rotfl

FourPart · Post by **FourPart** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 1:09 pm

There's always the Budget version...

Introducing the HERC Oven: Powered by Tealight Candles - Prepared Housewives

Smaug · Post by **Smaug** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 1:31 pm

FourPart;1481314 wrote: You could also palm them & put in empty caskets & flog the real ones to the pet shop as snake food.

You lot are a terrible influence on me....good way of getting "double bubble", eh!:yh_rotfl

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 3:54 pm

spot;1481309 wrote: And what do I do now with this propane-fired ceramic oven I've ordered off eBay.

See what you could cook on it ?

Far better healthwise than that self stirring monstrosity you currently use.

Post by **spot** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 3:58 pm

This propane-fired ceramic oven reaches 2600°C and vapourises granite.

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Fri Jun 26, 2015 5:10 am

spot;1481344 wrote: This propane-fired ceramic oven reaches 2600°C and vapourises granite.

Even better

Smaug · Post by **Smaug** » Fri Jun 26, 2015 3:36 pm

spot;1481344 wrote: This propane-fired ceramic oven reaches 2600°C and vapourises granite.

Would you like some "politicians" to try your oven with? You'll have to be patient with them though, as they're 'wet'....