An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies!!!!
joke thread
-
chocoholic
- Posts: 5819
- Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 7:02 am
joke thread
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm
The rottie queen
-
chocoholic
- Posts: 5819
- Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 7:02 am
joke thread
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.:wah:
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.:wah:
joke thread
chocoholic;692249 wrote: I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.:wah:
:wah::wah:
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.:wah:
:wah::wah:
The rottie queen
joke thread
Stroller;694837 wrote: A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the busty waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order?"
Again, he says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance - what do you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche.":wah:
:wah:
She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order?"
Again, he says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance - what do you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche.":wah:
:wah:
The rottie queen
joke thread
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in
the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.
"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse
me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich
as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a
tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in
the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.
"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse
me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich
as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a
tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The rottie queen
-
chocoholic
- Posts: 5819
- Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 7:02 am
joke thread
:wah: love it!
joke thread
I was just looking through the threads, enjoying some really funny posts, when I came across one which I was going to 'quote' and make a comment about. However, I felt that I could not repeat this particular post.
Stroller are you OK ?
POST NO.45 by 'STROLLER' 23 August 07 at 01.16 AM.
I am not a prude, I enjoy risque jokes, as long as they are actually funny.
This particular post by 'Stroller' is, in my opinion, rather sick, sad, and definitely not funny. I do not think it is suitable stuff for a site like this. Sorry but you may think differently.
Perhaps the moderators would check it over.
Stroller you seem to think that it was so funny! However I think that it just reflects on the person who posted it ! MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Stroller are you OK ?
POST NO.45 by 'STROLLER' 23 August 07 at 01.16 AM.
I am not a prude, I enjoy risque jokes, as long as they are actually funny.
This particular post by 'Stroller' is, in my opinion, rather sick, sad, and definitely not funny. I do not think it is suitable stuff for a site like this. Sorry but you may think differently.
Perhaps the moderators would check it over.
Stroller you seem to think that it was so funny! However I think that it just reflects on the person who posted it ! MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I'm a Saga-lout, growing old disgracefully
joke thread
I was just looking through the threads, enjoying some really funny posts, when I came across one which I was going to 'quote' and make a comment about. However, I felt that I could not repeat this particular post.
Stroller are you OK ?
POST NO.45 by 'STROLLER' 23 August 07 at 01.16 AM.
I am not a prude, I enjoy risque jokes, as long as they are actually funny.
This particular post by 'Stroller' is, in my opinion, rather sick, sad, and definitely not funny. I do not think it is suitable stuff for a site like this. Sorry but you may think differently.
Perhaps the moderators would check it over.
Stroller you seem to think that it was so funny! However I think that it just reflects on the person who posted it ! MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Stroller are you OK ?
POST NO.45 by 'STROLLER' 23 August 07 at 01.16 AM.
I am not a prude, I enjoy risque jokes, as long as they are actually funny.
This particular post by 'Stroller' is, in my opinion, rather sick, sad, and definitely not funny. I do not think it is suitable stuff for a site like this. Sorry but you may think differently.
Perhaps the moderators would check it over.
Stroller you seem to think that it was so funny! However I think that it just reflects on the person who posted it ! MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I'm a Saga-lout, growing old disgracefully
joke thread
One Smart Puppy
A local business was looking for office help...
They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
A local business was looking for office help...
They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
joke thread
G#Gill;698584 wrote: I was just looking through the threads, enjoying some really funny posts, when I came across one which I was going to 'quote' and make a comment about. However, I felt that I could not repeat this particular post.
Stroller are you OK ?
POST NO.45 by 'STROLLER' 23 August 07 at 01.16 AM.
I am not a prude, I enjoy risque jokes, as long as they are actually funny.
This particular post by 'Stroller' is, in my opinion, rather sick, sad, and definitely not funny. I do not think it is suitable stuff for a site like this. Sorry but you may think differently.
Perhaps the moderators would check it over.
Stroller you seem to think that it was so funny! However I think that it just reflects on the person who posted it ! MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
i did read it myself self gill and i also thought it was near the bone:-3
Stroller are you OK ?
POST NO.45 by 'STROLLER' 23 August 07 at 01.16 AM.
I am not a prude, I enjoy risque jokes, as long as they are actually funny.
This particular post by 'Stroller' is, in my opinion, rather sick, sad, and definitely not funny. I do not think it is suitable stuff for a site like this. Sorry but you may think differently.
Perhaps the moderators would check it over.
Stroller you seem to think that it was so funny! However I think that it just reflects on the person who posted it ! MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
i did read it myself self gill and i also thought it was near the bone:-3
The rottie queen
joke thread
Mary Poppins was driving home one night when she got caught in a terrible storm, instead of carrying on she decided to book into a nearby hotel.
After checking in Mary asked if the restaurant was still open, the receptionist said no but there was room service available but all they had left was cauliflower cheese so Mary said fine and also ordered scrambled eggs for breakfast.
Next morning Mary came down to check out and the receptionist asked if everything was OK, Mary said she loved her supper but wasn't keen on the breakfast so the receptionist said feel free to leave a comment in the visitors book - Mary scribbled something down and left.
After she'd driven off the receptionist couldn't resist having a little peek at what she'd put - can you guess what it said..................................................................
SUPERCAULIFLOWERCHEESEBUTEGGSWEREQUITEATROCIOUS :wah:
After checking in Mary asked if the restaurant was still open, the receptionist said no but there was room service available but all they had left was cauliflower cheese so Mary said fine and also ordered scrambled eggs for breakfast.
Next morning Mary came down to check out and the receptionist asked if everything was OK, Mary said she loved her supper but wasn't keen on the breakfast so the receptionist said feel free to leave a comment in the visitors book - Mary scribbled something down and left.
After she'd driven off the receptionist couldn't resist having a little peek at what she'd put - can you guess what it said..................................................................
SUPERCAULIFLOWERCHEESEBUTEGGSWEREQUITEATROCIOUS :wah:
joke thread
:-6
The visiting preacher got up to speak in the pulpit.
"I have just asked your paster what like the congregation is tonight and he has just told me,'..about average..'"
"This reminds me of a joke I once heard.
When the recording of "Twenty Tiny Fingers And Twenty Tiny Toes" came out in the shops one young man driven desperate by the lack of it in every shop he visited.
He started telephoning around instead of driving or walking.
One place he called and asked "Have You Got Twenty Tiny Fingers And Twenty Tiny Toes.?"
'No. But I have a wife and twelve children.'
'Is that a record?'
'No. But it is above average.'
God Bless All
randall
:)
The visiting preacher got up to speak in the pulpit.
"I have just asked your paster what like the congregation is tonight and he has just told me,'..about average..'"
"This reminds me of a joke I once heard.
When the recording of "Twenty Tiny Fingers And Twenty Tiny Toes" came out in the shops one young man driven desperate by the lack of it in every shop he visited.
He started telephoning around instead of driving or walking.
One place he called and asked "Have You Got Twenty Tiny Fingers And Twenty Tiny Toes.?"
'No. But I have a wife and twelve children.'
'Is that a record?'
'No. But it is above average.'
God Bless All
randall
:)
joke thread
Well Stroller, in that case, why on earth didn't you PM me, instead of spoiling Neffy's joke thread. Sorry Neffy love but he seemed to want to say things in public. He is right on one thing, this is a JOKE thread, and some of them are very funny, and I've enjoyed them.
I'm a Saga-lout, growing old disgracefully
joke thread
:-6
Carla44,
Do have a "Great Big Book Of Favourite Jokes." like one famous English comedian - who incidentally kept turning two pages instead of one - or do you just have a bottomless memory like some church ministers and priests???
God Bless All
randall
:)
15/10/2007
Carla44,
Do have a "Great Big Book Of Favourite Jokes." like one famous English comedian - who incidentally kept turning two pages instead of one - or do you just have a bottomless memory like some church ministers and priests???
God Bless All
randall
:)
15/10/2007
joke thread
This bloke gets tugged for speeding, he's been caught bombing past a school at 80mph.
The copper walks up and says "Excuse me sir do you realise the speed you were doing?"
"Yes officer"
"Is it you vehicle sir?"
"No officer, I've carjacked it"
"Eh?" says the copper
"Yeah, fu**ing nicked it just now. But she put up a fight so I had to shoot the bitch. Thats why I'm speeding I gotta get rid of the body from the boot"
"You shot her?!" Says a stunned and slightly scared officer of the law.
"Aye, I got me gun here" And the man leans over to the glove box.
"Stay there!" screams the policeman as he runs for his own car.
A breif radio conversation and blue light run later the man's car is surrounding by armed police who call the man out and pat him down. After this they search the car, find nothing and start to question him about the gun and the body.
"So where's the womans body?" syas one officer
"What body?" replies the man
"My colleague said you admitted to shooting a woman and were going to dispose of the body. He said you shot her, stole her car and had the gun in the glove box"
"What" says the man looking rather stunned "He'll be telling you I was Rudy doing 80 past a school next". :driving:
The copper walks up and says "Excuse me sir do you realise the speed you were doing?"
"Yes officer"
"Is it you vehicle sir?"
"No officer, I've carjacked it"
"Eh?" says the copper
"Yeah, fu**ing nicked it just now. But she put up a fight so I had to shoot the bitch. Thats why I'm speeding I gotta get rid of the body from the boot"
"You shot her?!" Says a stunned and slightly scared officer of the law.
"Aye, I got me gun here" And the man leans over to the glove box.
"Stay there!" screams the policeman as he runs for his own car.
A breif radio conversation and blue light run later the man's car is surrounding by armed police who call the man out and pat him down. After this they search the car, find nothing and start to question him about the gun and the body.
"So where's the womans body?" syas one officer
"What body?" replies the man
"My colleague said you admitted to shooting a woman and were going to dispose of the body. He said you shot her, stole her car and had the gun in the glove box"
"What" says the man looking rather stunned "He'll be telling you I was Rudy doing 80 past a school next". :driving:
http://zuluentertainment.ning.com/ http://www.onbux3.com/?ref=ritz
This is my so proud of Zulu Entertainment Site/Now known as ( Lets Make a Diffrence)
This is my so proud of Zulu Entertainment Site/Now known as ( Lets Make a Diffrence)